A lady that I know that I see a lot talks to me about the holidays and stuff. Then she stares at me for a minute and says, “well, Merry Christmas… or holidays…. or whatever you people celebrate.”

I thought to my self, “whatever my people celebrate?” Hmm. I didn’t respond nor I told her happy Holidays and left it at that.

People can be judgmental from the way I look. Good thing I don’t have pointy ears and four arms, then they would seriously stare and wonder.

Blah Blah, Ranting as usual!, They said what?

Have you ever felt that you have no direction in life? Nothing is going in any way that you want it to go. You feel like you are hanging by a thread, and not knowing if you will let go or climb back up. I feel my life has come to that point. I am dangling by a thread and waiting for anything to happen. Just anything that will make me say, “yes.. my life is moving forward.”

I have been thinking that maybe being idle is not so bad. It is just the mystery of not knowing. The wait for something miraculous to happen is what is keeping me at the edge of my seat.

It is also driving me insane. I am seriously loosing my sanity day by day. It is just because I am always stressed and thinking, “I wish I never bothered.” I wish I was worry free careless person. Then I just live life by chance and not hope for anything. That way I never have to worry and feel old and hopeless with no direction in life.

Will things ever get better? I need to sleep.

Random Thoughts

Today we went to the gym and they had a Christmas party/workout thing for an hour then mingling after with food. Since all the women there are 10+ years older than me, my mingling was limited to hi, how are you, bye! So I eat cheese and crackers and FUDGE! They had FUDGE! I was like holy crap.. Gym and health and fudge. Now this is my kind of gym treat. hahahaa..

There is only one Christmas song that I like because it is sung by Madonna and I find it cute!!

Blah Blah, Funny

Have you ever had that feeling of utter loneliness and despair? When you feel that no one is there for you. No one there to love you back. Not being able to hear those words coming out of someone else’s mouth towards you. You sit there pondering the thought that some day, some where, some time, someone will come up to you and tell you truthfully that they love you. However, that it not how things turn end up being at all.

When you know someone for so long and you think, my oh my, maybe there is something special about this relationship. Maybe there is hope for something more vivid and promising. Yet, that day comes. That person tells you that they truly love you. You have waited all that time to hear it, your heart melts, your insides quiver with joy, and things to you seem perfect.

Then, time happens. Days pass, months pass, years pass, but it is nothing more than living a dream that subdues our consciousness. Things are too perfect to be real. You think that love is the answer to all the problems, but it is the cause of every possible misery that you have to endure. You start talking to time. Hoping time will turn counterclockwise and go back to that moment where love started. You want to go back and tell your self that this is wrong. I saw the future and this critical moment in time should have not happened. It was not meant to happen because love is not what everyone claims it to be. It is the end of your emotional life. It sucks every tiny being in your soul into this cursed spell. If you ever believed in magic then love is the epiphany of that.

It is an eternal entrapment of the soul. You will forever be bounded by it and you cannot free your self of such misery. If you try, then you will end up aimless and lonely in life. You try to free your self because your brain cannot fathom the thought of being tortured anymore. Yet, your heart, that poor entity that holds your soul cannot let go. It is forever sealed within its chambers and to open it, to let it go, is to let go of everything else in your world. To let go of everything that makes you who you are.

If you ever were in love, and love is but a term of no physical appearance, but it is more powerful than a dagger that would stab you in the heart. The physical pain is merciful compared to the emotional agony that you have to suffer through. This word. This feeling. This powerful transparent emotional deity is all but a word. A word. Nothing more. A word that we tell our selves to be the cure of all our pain. All we need is love. We need this word.

Why? What has it done to us?

It made us trapped in our own world walking aimlessly in its darkness. This void we cannot escape. If we try, we are left like fallen leaves in the autumn with no one to pick us up. Withered and alone. Waiting to be nurtured again. How can you nurture and bring life to something that has died?

Has your soul died when love ended?

Can we now believe in another word? A word more powerful than love. A word that people don’t take into consideration. A word that has been forgotten and barely used because it is nothing but a mere dream of what reality could be.

Just remember this word. Hope. There will always be hope. Just believe in that because you have forgotten it. You forgot what it meant and it will mask the pain. It will make life bearable. Hope is a dream. And dream is nothing but hope. It is not love. It is hope that we need. It is what we truly wish for and only thing that is truly keeping us alive.

Remember… Only fools rush in.

Random Thoughts

My friend called me at work today depressed from her dad calling her all the way from back home shouting at her for going to her new work’s Christmas party. He kept saying, “how can a respectable Muslim Arab girl be around people who drink and get drunk?” She asked me, “would your parent let you go to a Christmas party for work to meet and hang out with your co-workers?”

Thinking to my self, “party? … my work? Christmas? Isn’t it that the day when people order food and play games all day?”

I said, “Yah, why wouldn’t they?”

She said, “Even if there are drinks served?”

I then remembered an engagement party I went to that was my brother’s Catholic/Orthodox friend and they had drinks and my mom was there. She just said, “move the drinks away from us.” That was it.

I said, “Why would my parents care if there are drinks or not. I am not going to drink. I know my self and my parents never worry about that problem.”

She said, “My parents are crazy. They make a big deal about everything. If I tell the truth about anything and where I am going, they disapprove. I have to keep lying to them. Is this a life?”

I said, “hmm.. your parents are too too religious and your not!”

She said, “I know.. and the more protective they become, the more I have to lie to get away with anything. The truth does not work. I didn’t drink or do anything. Just had dinner and met people. They were all mid-aged people with their significant other.”

I said, “well.. I don’t understand the problem really. You go to restaurants and they have drinks and the table next to you could have people drinking. So what? Your family goes to restaurant.. I don’t get it.”

She said, “me neither. Did you know that I grew up not able to listen to music.”

Wow.. I was in shock.

I said, “hmm.. my parents all they do is sing!! They know every song there is, from back in the old days.”

She said, ” I had to put the volume super low on the radio at night just to listen. They raised us to just not do anything!”

I said, “hmm.. my parents are not that strict at all. Maybe because they trust me and I am pretty mean. I hit people if I have to. ”

She said, “what am I to do. They make a big deal about anything!!”

I said, “I donno.. good thing they don’t even know 10% of your life or you are dead!”

She said, “yah.. how am I supposed to live and have friends and work and meet people if I am required to just sit at home and clean and barely work. My mom is happy if I work 4 hours a day and come home and clean and cook. Stupid life.”

I said, “Hmm.. I want to go home now. I rather be home cleaning and not working.. lool Bye.. loool ”

I don’t understand any of this. Here, in North America every where you go there is alcohol. My dad is simple. We go eat, and he asks the waitress, “does this have pork? Does this have alcohol?” That’s it. And he doesn’t care about anything else. You just have to ask and avoid and not make a big deal!

Thank God my parents are Liberal!!

Random Thoughts