I have noticed people’s behaviour over time and I wonder why they have a hard time expressing them selves. It is like some people want to talk or to say something, but they find it hard or they don’t know how or they don’t know if it is appropriate to do so. So what can I do? Well, I understand people like that, but all I can do is just wait and see how they behave. Usually the smallest things that people usually disregard, because it is nothing special, is really what describes that person.

So what have I discovered lately? That people who are always joking around and just throwing wise crack comments to other people are really the most defensive, emotional, and saddest people you can ever meet. They use the jokes and sarcasm to push people away or not let others know the real them.

No I am not talking about my self. I don’t joke around much or even talk much. I am the complete opposite. I am the one that people are afraid to approach because I am not as open or talkative, yet mysterious! Muwahaha..

Anyways, back to my analysis. I noticed some people really do act like that and throw jokes or make fun of others sarcastically so people would notice someone else instead of them. However, others use the jokes and sarcasm to get attention because they really don’t know if anyone will like them in any other way. Believe me, no one takes a joker seriously and they are just a “friend” for mere enjoyment. However, they would never trust them as a real friend because they don’t know that person at all other than being a clown or a joke or a person who will lift up their spirit for a few minutes. That’s all.

So this person who just jokes around with others is defensive, has hard time trusting others, and is probably the nicest person you can ever meet and trust. They just have to earn your trust which may take a while. A very long while! Honestly, it is probably a bit of a shock to them knowing that people out there love them for who they really are and not for just joking around.

You will always meet a person like that in your life, maybe you know a person who is like that right now, but seriously, just be patient and watch their behaviour. Trying to talk to them seriously is really hard, and trying to understand them is even harder. In the end, you just have to be patient and take your time. They are worth it.

4 comments

I am getting a bit better now with Photoshop and I tried to do some 3D lettering. So I did my name as a test. I think it looks ok. I need to make it a bit more flashy. I am thinking of making it neon or glittery colors in my next attempt.

Click on image above to enlarge.

10 comments

Yesterday, I went to the mall and I wanted to go shopping. I was like fuzzz it. I want new dark jeans. My sister was with me and kept looking and she said, “try these.” I said, “they don’t have my size in that.” She said, “well this is smaller and it will definetly fit you. You are not that big. You don’t even have a butt.” I looked at her and gave her a dirty look for saying that and she just grinned. So I tried the pants and it fit and it was a bit big too. She said, “see. Mom was right. You did loose weight and you looking good like me.” I said, “first off, you look like me, not the other way around freak. Second of all, I will always look better than you shorty!”

Then a few words here and there and a few smacks to shut her up, and I bought the pants and was happy! Yaay. Now I feel like I am progressing and actually taking care of my self. Hopefully by the summer I will look better and healthier and more confident with my self.

Anyways, I haven’t slept till now. I tried to sleep, but I just had too many thoughts in my head. You can say I was feeling sad and guilty and unhappy with going to work feeling sad all the time. I wanted to do something, but I didn’t know what. So it was around midnight and I barely closed my eyes, and then within 30 min to 45 minutes I woke up startled. I was like what’s going on. It was so windy outside. Then I saw thunderstorms. I was like wtf. Thundering in the midst of winter? It was -14 celcius last night and so cold all day today and windy. Anyways, from the noise of the wind hitting my window, I just couldn’t go back to sleep and I just kept looking at the ceiling. Just sitting and thinking. Sitting and thinking and I couldn’t go back to sleep.

So by the time it was 6:30 am, I got out of bed and just got ready to go to work.

After a couple of hours at work, I just messaged my boss and asked him for guidance. He said, “sure. That’s my job. Come to my office and we can talk.”

So I asked him what I should do. I didn’t want people at work to hate me or think negatively of me. I like them, but what am I supposed to do? He told me that the hardest thing in any managerial position is to talk to people and make sure you can calmly talk to them and get your point across. In the end no one should be fighting, and I know you don’t hate anyone and no one hates you, but you need to just learn to stop being too direct and be calm and nice to people.

So I sat there thinking, and I was like ok. I will try. I will do what I got to do cause I got sick of going to work being sad and people not liking me. So I confronted the situation and I just said what I had to say. In the end, I don’t know if I am still liked or not, but I got it off my chest. I feel better and I can talk to people normally again.

However, what I learned from all this is to just not get too involved with anyone anymore and just keep my distance a bit and only talk to others when I need to. I still like them, but I just hope they still like me as a person. I will just stay quiet and mind my own business and not get too involved anymore. It is better and I can sleep normally again and not feel so bad hurting other people. I never intended to and I don’t want anymore people hating me. I really don’t.

7 comments

I wanted to write about this a few days ago, actually over the past weekend, but I wanted to wait. I decided to send a birthday card to someone, just to see if they would see it or not. If would reply or not.

Nothing.

I just sat there thinking, things do die over time. People forget me. Things just are not the same anymore. A birthday card to remember someone and maybe they would recognize the fact that I still remember. Nothing. Nothing at all. No thanks. Nothing.

After all the crap that has been going on in my life and knowing that people hate me and I have to put up with it every day, I was just hoping that people from the past would still care and remember me. That they would realize that I do care and I do remember.

I guess not. I am the forgotten one, and things slowly died over time and cannot be bought back.

6 comments

Around noon today, I went to eat lunch. I just felt like getting a chicken burger and to sit down in a quiet place alone and eat. So I walked to a burger place and I stood in the empty line. I looked at the menu, and I made my decision of what combo I wanted within 15 seconds. I sat there waiting, where is the cashier? I looked back, and the employees were all back in the kitchen. I heard a bit of murmuring, and then an old lady came up to the cash register. It was off and now she was turning it on. I waited a few seconds, and then she asked me what I liked in a deep unenthusiastic voice.

I told her what I wanted, and I wanted it for here. Not to go.

Another lady in the back was in the kitchen doing the grilling. I waited and waited. She then came up to me and asked who has the grilled chicken and if it was for here or to go. I was like “ah, me and my tray is right in front of me. So obviously here.”

She then went back and kept flipping the chicken.

Then the food was done and she put it under this heater lamp thing. The cashier goes to her and tells her to put the personal garnishing. The grill lady loudly said, “No. My job clearly indicates that I am not to do that and the cashier is responsible for that.”

I looked to the person next to me who ordered right after me and we just stared at each other in disbelief.

The cashier lady went to the back and was so mad, and then went to the sink and washed her hand. Then the grill lady murmured something that I couldn’t hear, so the cashier lady (who seemed to be the boss or manager of the place) screamed at her and said, “excuse me. Are you the boss? Last time I checked I was the boss and you cannot talk to a boss like that.”

I was like what in the world just happened. Holy smokes the women are fighting.

After that I left and I took the first bite of my grilled chicken sandwich and it was barely warm.

I was like great, they fight, scream at each other, and I get a cold sandwich. Can’t people stop FIGHTING over stupid who does what and where and how and work and just get paid so I can enjoy a grilled chicken sandwich in peace! Man. Everywhere I go, people are either fighting or acting stupid. I am sick of it and sick of people.

5 comments

When I am mellow I need music to accompany my mood. I seldom listen to Arabic music because I find most new songs stupid with no meaning. So I always go back to old time classics. Well, just Fayrouz because it is the only music that is ever played in my house and the only songs I was forced to memorize by heart since I learned to talk.

Sorry it is not my usual up beat English music. However, just listening to this music is incredible and relaxing.

Aeteny Alnay - Give me the Flute

Adesh Kan Fi Nas - How many people where there

Al Wadaa - The Goodbye

4 comments

Today was my first day back to work after the bit of fiasco that happened last week. I wasn’t happy to be there, because I love what I do, but people make me so sad and really hurt me for the stupidest reasons.

So my boss was really mad and decided to have a meeting with us and screamed at us. I just sat there thinking to my self that I really did not want him to get mad and so disappointed over this. (He wasn’t there that day) If I wanted him to get involved I would have just told him what happened instead of me taking time off to think and be furious from people at work. I felt bad for him. He was so angry, he threatened to fire us. I just thought the moment he said that, “oh man.. he is so pissed and just talking out of anger.” Plus it was the 3rd or 4th time I got threatened to be fired, and every time I like him more because he finally uses his power of being a boss which I love and respect. Yah I am nutz, but I like people with authority to actually use their authority and not let things get out of hand anymore.

So during the meeting I sat quiet and I didn’t want to say anything till I heard everything that was said. I was completely focused and trying to figure out what has been going on in my absence, and then I decided to speak to him privately and get this problem solved once and for all.

In the end, I don’t think I am satisfied or happy. I wish I had a time machine to just go back in time and avoided any problems from happening. I like my work and I have fun at times, but like I said earlier, I don’t know how people think or how they react. I never meant to be mean or hurtful in any way. I like the quirkiness and craziness and fun that my co-workers bring to the room, but they don’t like me at all. I learned it the hard way, and there is nothing left to do. I mean it is enough that I only have one friend, but she is not even in my city, and I am here all alone and no one likes me or talks to me and work was the only thing that kept me happy. Now, I got nothing.

I don’t know how I will be going to work from now on to a place where people don’t like me anymore. It is sad, but what am I to do? I wish I can go back to my old self and just don’t talk or say anything and just stay by my self and work. It was better. It really was.

11 comments

Blogs are the biggest form of reality tv online life. No need to post videos or stupid edited lines to make your blog interesting. Real life blogs are the most read blogs on the net. Just writing down your thoughts and the things you did for the day is enough. Throwing pictures here and there, or a video of some weird situation just spices it up.

This week I was labeled as the depressing sad blog. I guess some people actually sympathize with me from time to time. I thought people just read my blog to see if today I am crazier than yesterday.

I pretty much lost over 90% of my Arab audience. Most of my visitors and commentors are not Arabs anymore. (Most Arabs hate my blog because I don’t care about what I say.) I guess my blog has reached the masses because I don’t write about just being an Arab. It is about everything. About my life, about my thoughts. It is not hard for anyone to start a blog like mine and just be honest and tell the truth about anything that needs to be said out loud. It is the hardest thing.

However, it was easy for me to do, because I don’t speak out in real life, and I use my blog as a medium of speaking out. I just have a fear that if I speak out or interact with any more people than what I already know, that I would say something that will bite me in the ass in the end. I just learned to just take out all my anger, all my thoughts, all my problems, and just write it out. Then I feel that I got it out of my chest.

I know, it is a bad thing to do. However, I don’t like to hurt people or say anything to anyone because I don’t know how people will react. So I just avoid them, and just avoid headaches. That’s why I just keep saying, “I want to be left alone. Leave me alone.” It is because I can’t handle people anymore. At times I can’t even handle people’s comments.

Like this week, some idiot said that if I had a problem working in Canada, then I should go back to my land and live in the Terrorist camps where I belong. I didn’t want to deal with such morons and I just banned him from the site, but why the hell are people such racist bigots? I mean, if someone said that to me in real life, I would die from shock. It is enough I have received racist comments growing up until now, but that’s just too much. The internet has become a wild zoo.

Media sucks! However, blogs are the only personal mediums where reality shows are a lot more believable and easier to sympathize with.

10 comments

I spent the past week in aww and a bit of jealousy. I kept saying to my self, “how can people make amazing digital art? It looks so complicated and I am just lazy.” I learned to be lazy from being a programmer. So I told my self that I will do it too. I will become a great digital artist too! I don’t care how long it will take me, but I will learn it. I hate Photoshop and all its amazing power, but I will make proper digital art.

I hated photoshop from the beginning. I hated its complicated layering systems, its window within window just so you can do one alteration. I just hated it, and I seldom ever used it. I kept thinking, why would anyone use this crap? It’s not graphical user friendly. I am used to fast paced software that will help me do what I need to design quickly. To me time is luxury, and I don’t want to spend time doing one little thing which I can do with one click on another program.

Then I decided to go into a more complicated life and become a programmer. That requires a lot of patience! But I like it only because I am an analytical thinker and I like to design and code. Coding is fun, it is like solving a jigsaw puzzle. Once it is complete and all together, the result is magnificent!

Then I remembered back in the good old days where I was labeled as a young artist. I used to paint, draw, and make sculptures easily. I had a very artistic creative approach to things, but I was good at math and science, so it made no sense. So I was stuck in the middle and I felt like I can be good at anything if I set my mind to it. Also, I still adore all the art prizes I won over the years growing up. I mean, winning a Polaroid camera when you are 8 years old is amazing! It was a talent that I was happy to have.

So now I want to master being a digital artist. I want to change my direction in life, and learn to use Photoshop. Oh wait, I already did! Took me a day but dammit it, I can use everything in it now! I was like, screw all the beginner tutorials and what each window means and all the options; I am going straight to advanced tutorials.

I just skipped maybe 1st, 2nd, 3rd and almost done 4th year graphics art degree.

Time to make great art using crappy Adobe Photoshop. Oh I hate you, but your power is unruly!

8 comments

I found my weekend therapy that brings me back to sanity and reminds me constantly what my job is in life. I am meant to be a digital graphics artist drawing fun characters and cartoons. It is what I do best and enjoy doing with all my heart. So I decided to make a bunch of iRebel Robots. I make them very simple and barely any movements. However, the movements are enough for each song!

Introducing iRebel robot Stumper.

Here is the wallpaper.

Stumper is dancing to the song “Shut up and Drive” by Rihanna. The background object is actually a robot type vehicle! :P

If you have any suggestions or any songs you want an iRebel to dance to, then please leave a comment. The song has to be high beat dance song.

11 comments