A little bit better.

Yesterday, I went to the mall and I wanted to go shopping. I was like fuzzz it. I want new dark jeans. My sister was with me and kept looking and she said, “try these.” I said, “they don’t have my size in that.” She said, “well this is smaller and it will definetly fit you. You are not that big. You don’t even have a butt.” I looked at her and gave her a dirty look for saying that and she just grinned. So I tried the pants and it fit and it was a bit big too. She said, “see. Mom was right. You did loose weight and you looking good like me.” I said, “first off, you look like me, not the other way around freak. Second of all, I will always look better than you shorty!”

Then a few words here and there and a few smacks to shut her up, and I bought the pants and was happy! Yaay. Now I feel like I am progressing and actually taking care of my self. Hopefully by the summer I will look better and healthier and more confident with my self.

Anyways, I haven’t slept till now. I tried to sleep, but I just had too many thoughts in my head. You can say I was feeling sad and guilty and unhappy with going to work feeling sad all the time. I wanted to do something, but I didn’t know what. So it was around midnight and I barely closed my eyes, and then within 30 min to 45 minutes I woke up startled. I was like what’s going on. It was so windy outside. Then I saw thunderstorms. I was like wtf. Thundering in the midst of winter? It was -14 celcius last night and so cold all day today and windy. Anyways, from the noise of the wind hitting my window, I just couldn’t go back to sleep and I just kept looking at the ceiling. Just sitting and thinking. Sitting and thinking and I couldn’t go back to sleep.

So by the time it was 6:30 am, I got out of bed and just got ready to go to work.

After a couple of hours at work, I just messaged my boss and asked him for guidance. He said, “sure. That’s my job. Come to my office and we can talk.”

So I asked him what I should do. I didn’t want people at work to hate me or think negatively of me. I like them, but what am I supposed to do? He told me that the hardest thing in any managerial position is to talk to people and make sure you can calmly talk to them and get your point across. In the end no one should be fighting, and I know you don’t hate anyone and no one hates you, but you need to just learn to stop being too direct and be calm and nice to people.

So I sat there thinking, and I was like ok. I will try. I will do what I got to do cause I got sick of going to work being sad and people not liking me. So I confronted the situation and I just said what I had to say. In the end, I don’t know if I am still liked or not, but I got it off my chest. I feel better and I can talk to people normally again.

However, what I learned from all this is to just not get too involved with anyone anymore and just keep my distance a bit and only talk to others when I need to. I still like them, but I just hope they still like me as a person. I will just stay quiet and mind my own business and not get too involved anymore. It is better and I can sleep normally again and not feel so bad hurting other people. I never intended to and I don’t want anymore people hating me. I really don’t.

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, They said what?