The Arab forbidden love

Well, I don’t know about the gulf, but in Egypt its perfectly normal, not 3eeb or forbidden! I mean come on, think about it, its the topis of almost all Arab movies and songs!!!

And arrange marriage has decreased alot, although still present…

Arab men wants to go out with girls and have fun, but when it comes to marriage they say those girls are not the ones.. we want our moms to look for a girl and arrange something traditional (thinking that this girl would not be like the girls they dated).. when in reality there’s nothing like this!

In Poland, I am lucky that I have incomparably more freedom. It’s wonderful that we can stay alone in the room with my boyfriend and talk and get to know each other close.

Still, there is a bit of a similar mentality, especially among the older generation. Poeple are so afraid of the 3eeb they just wanna eliminate it at any cost and forget the rest.

I hate that, as it becomes degenerated, people think “we can’t leave boy and girl together in a room because they will start having sex as soon as we close the door”. Hello, not everyone is like that!

Some people are like that. Some girls get pregnant in school with boys who don’t even know them. But if you’re so stupid, no rules or restrictions can help you.

I have always been told to respect myself and demand respect from the boys. This wisdom has given me way more than any rule.

I believe that God has given us the comandements. But that’s not all. He also gave us wisdom. Strengh. And most of all, love.

I think from what you write that Arab emigrants are more afraid from the 3eeb, because they are so many wrong influences and examples in western countries (I am so sick of nudity in almost every film!). They need to believe that God’s love, strengh and wisdom are way stronger than any 3eeb.

Hi Mona I hope you’re well.

My opinion is slightly different about Arabs and Love.

When you compare the different societies, you’ll see that the most conservative societies are less subject to have what we have in the West (young pregnant girls=out of marriage; love stories that often end up by a separation and Allah knows what else; and so on so forth…)
I am generalizing but it is often the case in here.

Now, a question: who is sane enough to want what Westerners have? who is sane enough to want these societies (okay ours are not better though).

Marriage should be about compatibility, because you’re gonna have to live a life together… I don’t see the point in being with a man who is completely different and who have different goals in life. All these end up by a divorce in most cases and that is prooved.
Why? Because you’ve chosen him by love and this love is what blinds you. Even if the person is a total looser, you’ll still want him and won’t be able to realize how bad he could be.

Another question dear Mona: Before marriage and any intimate relationship, is it really love?
No, it is not love at all, it is purely shahawah, desire. Love is something deeper.

Arranged marriages work for most people, the Islamic definition of arranged marriage is that you can talk to the guy in front of your dad,bro… the person has to be very open and when things have been discussed and agreed upon, then the 3aqd or nikaa7 is done, afterwards you have the right to go out with him, to touch him with limits though (sexual acts are forbidded)and this is the time where you gonna be able to know him more (it’s 100% halal). All that until a party is done, which completes the wedding.

So I don’t know about you Mona, but I don’t wanna feel guilty about things and have a guy feeling proud about having me and then throwing me away like a dirty sock and talk about me behind my back… and if Allah forbided datings it’s for a reason and this reason you have it all around you, open your eyes.

take care

From Britain,

@r@b @lgi g@l

Hey,

Arabs in North America you say. I suggest you get out of your circle, and really delve into the arabs circle outside of the little city you live in. I dont like it when people make generalizations and give wrong impressions to those who know very little about the culture. I live in North America, Specifically, Montreal. I have a bunch of friends here, In Toronto and In Ottawa. I have never encountered anyone having trouble loving someone, going out with someone because they love them or even telling someone they love them just because they do.
I dont even remember the last time I ever heard “you will learn to love after you get married” because this sounds like someone in their late 50s. Young arabic people are capable of love, are very enduring and careful about the feelings of the people they love. Your Post is very Biased and just affirms the wrong stereotypes that are exist about us, and that is just shameful.

“You will be surprised how life is here in North America for Arabs. Things don’t change or people here become more conservative than they would ever be back home”- It seems to me like you were talking about North America, and that statement is biased.

P.S- You should be more open and accepting to other peoples opinions. It allows you to grow and nourish your ideas. Maybe that is something arabs are known for and could be generalized- Closed Mindednes. Think About it.

Hey R,
So do you have arab love stories? Because that’s how the whole topic started.

Anyway, I’m glad you found a community you feel good in and we all wish Mona finds such friends too, don’t we?

Hey Lilavati,

I am actually in a Love story myself. I have been with my arabic boyfriend for about 4 years now. I have met both his parents, and noone seems to mind anything. A couple of my friends are in a serious relationship (in love), both in North america and at home.
I do wish everyone falls in love with a person they truely deserve, But in order for those very conservative of the arabs to move on, we need to break down the stereotypes that are being made about us. After all, as Moe said, all our songs and movies are about love. Also, one of the biggest poets of the arabs is nizar qabbani wrote about love endlessly, therefore, love is not taboo in our culture.
Maybe this song will explain things better(it says how people from various arabic countries fall in love)
http://youtube.com/watch?v=_lTJ-04wy0M

I am a western woman and am contemplating marrying an Arab man after nearly eight years. We have never lived in the same place and most of our relationship has been conducted on the phone, msn, or e-mail. I know him like I know myself and both of us are faithful to the other in the hope that we can find a way to make our families accept that what we have is good.

During this time, we have tried to get married once before, but neither set of parents would allow it. I understand what has been said about common interests and goals etc but there is also something to be said for a meeting of souls. It sound’s like a fairy tale – when it has been anything but- however, sometimes you meet someone and although all the facts and the details seem wrong, they themselves are right for you and you are right for them. I know that although the man I may marry is a strong arab man, who often drives me crazy! He does so in the best possibly way. He is my equal and he is my world.

It is only when I am with him that I feel like I have come home. You are lucky to find this type of love once in lifetime. And I think we all live in hope of just finding it let alone keeping it. I don’t necessarily have anything against an arranged marriage – after all, they are not the same as a forced marriage, and it may be that you will love your spouse deeply during your life together. But the chances of it being the passionate (please don’t mistake this word for desire), partnership that ‘looks on tempests and is not shaken’ are slim to none.

For me, a marriage is about the legal joining of two lives before God- the completing of my soul. I don’t want children just to have children, I want them to be made in love, a product of my love for my husband. Neither will I marry for economic security – I am an independent woman. I marry to share my triumphs and tribulations with another. To have my successes and failures witnessed by someone who loves me and to do the same for him.

Families sometimes do know best but it is untrue to suggest that they always do what is in the best interests of the child. Sometimes they act out of fear, sometimes out of disapproval, sometimes out shame and embarrassment for themselves. I won’t be as cliched as to suggest that happiness is all that counts. But if your child does find love and it is a respectable love, a safe love (e.g not with a married man etc), parents need to support their children as adults to make the best of their decisions rather than to make the decision for their children in the misguided belief that they are saving them from themselves.

I have also seen many of my arabic friends divorced after 2-3 years. They have chosen someone who on paper seems exactly right but in person is missing that special something that makes them special and just for you. It is not for want of trying – playing at marriage. A type of love can grow after long enough but is it the type of love you want to build your life upon? And how many people in marriages (arranged or not) that are based on companionship wouldn’t, if possible, turn back the clock and do it differently in the hope of finding the kind of love that sees two 80 year old’s still holding hands, years after their parents are gone, their children have left and their looks are no longer an issue.

I understand that sexual intimacy between couples is haram in the Arabic world but you can love without this. Some of that love may be desire (it should be celebrated! God made us to find each other attractive!), but most will be built on common interests, admiration, respect, a mutual sense of humour… I could go on.

I don’t see why this is not encouraged in the Arabic world.

I am sorry to go on – this is the first comment I have ever made on a blog but it is a conversation worth having.

“Not only that, Arab men tend to be rough and they grow up, especially in their 20’s to not be able to interact with females at all. They are rough and just treat girls like crap, but in reality, they are still children and just acting like school aged kids around girls because they don’t know how to act or talk with them around!”

Boy you said it all right here! Exactly!

Hi Mona,

This is something I always think about. I do not pretend to understand what life for Arab people are like so this is coming from what you may call a Westerner (UK Though).

I have never understood the whole arranged marriage thing. I had a friend who had his marriage arranged for him and could see how unhappy him and his wife were. It was I think a sad day when it happened… The only people who looked happy were the parents.

He said what you quoted “You learn to love someone” but in my “culture” you love someone then marry them.

I know its all culture and traditions and I do not understand them… So I guess I cant judge… or can I? If I was to judge I would say its ruining lives and ruining many happy relationships that could have been.

One thing I do notice is family life is very different in the Arab families I know. They are closer in general but also keep many secrets from each other… So in a way its not all that good.

I am happy to read this… Your brave.

Hi Mona,

I am a Lebanese that has lived in southern ontario almost my whole life. i have seen alot of those arabs you talk about. however, i have 4 sisters, all are married. they all loved their husbands before they married them. they all met their men either in school or through friends, got to know them before confronting the parents. My parents have always taught us what to look for in a man/woman. eg: someone that fears god, comes from a respectable family that fears god, someone with goals in life, someone who has self respect, someone who respects others, etc etc. i have always thought of these as guidelines. When i meet a girl i’m attracted to i find out more about her. see if she meets these guidelines. one of the main things i look at is her family. if she comes from a family that has no fear of god, that has never taught her right from wrong i automatically move on to the next girl. i have yet to meet a girl that comes from this type of family that met all my other guidelines. so that is one of the first things i look at when i meet someone. There have been a few that have passed my guidelines that i continued talking to but we just didnt click. i always let my parents know when i am seeing someone and always hear what they have to say (i dont always take their advice). I use them as support but the final decisions are always mine. That is also how it has been with all my sisters. Eventually when i meet someone thats for me that i am sure of i will introduce the families to each other. My parents have yet to meet any of the girls i have talked to. I have fallen in love before to the point where it blinded me completely. The girl was the opposite of my guidelines. however i learned quickly that there is no way i will be able to live with her for the rest of my life. when the right girl comes i will love her before i marry her. my parents would not allow me to marry someone i don’t love. i think that you just have to love smart. when you fall in love with someone sometimes you get blinded by the love. But being “in love” doesnt last forever. I think that you have to find the right person, someone you will be able to live with and then allow yourself to fall in love with them.

Anyways, just so you know, not all arab parents have the final say. I have the final say…all my sisters had the final say. as matter of fact one of my sisters was about to marry the son of friends of the family. when she decided (almost last minute) that he was not for her my parents did not force her to marry him. they adviced her and tried to find out what the problem was but they did not have the final say. she still left him and as a result the 2 families dont talk anymore….but she still had th final say. another one of my sisters wanted to marry a shiia ( i am sunni). my parents gave her advice but did not force her not to marry him. she made the final decision. and she is married to that man today.

I think this all has to do with being open minded.Not all North American arabs are closed minded. not all are open minded….the same goes to whites, blacks, hispanics, asians etc. every culture has closed minded and open minded people. it has nothing to do with being arab. NOT ONLY ARAB GUY TREAT THEIR WOMAN LIKE CRAP. if you ever look at the population of jails you will see that half the people in there are white and are in there for domestic violence. these are problems that ALL cultures deal with not just arabs.

I totally respect your opinion. Thanks for taking the time to read mine.

Hey, this conversation has been very eye opening for me, a Western male. I didn’t realize just how different marriage was between Arab and Western society. I feel more connected to some of the Arabs I have known in college, seeing that they probably dealt with these problems and that is must have been very hard for them. Thank you for helping me see.

You all do know that many Westerners regard God and Love as one in the same, right? Jesus’s teaching often focus on the loving and forgiving nature of God. If you could make Westerners see your struggle over Love they would realize that we all have this in common.

May be then we could end the war.

i totally agree with you. arabs don’t know how to love.
i am a Filipina and i am staying currently here in UAE for work. i have a local boyfriend (arab) and i think he doesn’t know how to love and is experimenting with me because in their culture they are not allowed to date the local women. i am currently searching for some articles about what is it like to have an arab as a boyfriend. and this blog came up. now everything they have warned me about arab men were confirmed here. thanks so much for this article.

love is just a dirty trick of nature to get you to reproduce. you may tell yourself otherwise but we are all just monkeys with a few extra neurons thats it. what matters is how many healthy kids you had to spread your genes.how you had them.. love marriage arranged marriage no marriage ..these things just don’t matter to me because they are meaningless expressions

and put your hands in your heart and tell me what is a Muslim, who is a Muslim, is this what Islam has taught for the last 1400 century

You guys are blushed with Western sceptism, follow it like a bunch of sheeps, no questions to ask, it just “sounds cool” deception has taken people like this to a different life, a life that has no life – no meaning just curious in their nefs, exploring their other side.

There is nothing to hide if you love someone, but be honest with that person, are you there just to have fun and then be nice for couple of sweet months then all goto bin after a single argument, because there is nothing that holds you together.

People like this dont survive and i know so many of them. Just an idea, just think for a minute. STOP and say who im i, is this me, what im i doing.

Of course, you wont ask that question because there is no bravery within you.

May Allah open all your eyes and hearts to the world sorrrunding you with big deceptions.

And im coming from that area so i know very well how it feels but trust me, its all a wonder, a one minute equation with means nothing but only one.

Brothers and Sisters, please leave the idealogies behind for a minute not 2 minute 1 minute and think honestly.

again May Allah open all our (inc me) eyes and hearts so we can see the dangers sorrounding us.

Baki, I am not a Muslim and I do not not believe in any god or higher being… But you can believe what you like

We all live in a different world to day then they did 1400 years ago. You can not just stay in the past because things move on… I do not know what you have been brought up to believe or practice… But in my world you can say what you see… And if Mona thinks these things then I am sure it is happening.

I know a lot of Muslims here in England… And I know 3 close friends who are married through organised marriages and are so unhappy. One even tried to commit suicide because he never wanted to marry… He was later disowned by his family and is now happily married to someone he was not forced to try to love.

Things change… People change… And most the time its for the better.

Lee, i agree with you, here is the biggest deception of all that somehow people manage to relate culture with Islam. There is nowhere on the grounds of Islamic law that states women to be chosen by someone other than themselves to marry and Prophet SAW disowned this and forbid this such cultural act.

This is totally against Islam but cultures seems to divert these people from the true guidance of Islam.

Making arranged marriages is not what Islam teaches, Islam never changes on law ie it has always been that women must make the final decision and women has more rights in Islam than a man but people just dont do this, they go into their own mind.

i have heard things like that before and i try to explain to people that please whatever you do dont say its Islam thats causing it, because there is NO SPACE for such a thing.

Please look into Islam and point a part or bit that forces to get a female married to someone without her decision because i havent found one yet.

I agree with change, change is good but it depends on what change is.

Prophet SAW said whomever takes an orphan child and looks after them as if their own:

“Whoever caresses the head of an orphan (in affection), solely for the sake of Allah, a good deed will be written to his account for every hair over which he passed his hand, and whoever treated an orphan (boy or girl) with goodness and kindness, he and I will be close to each-other in Heaven as these two fingers”

Yes i understand you dont believe, but Lee think for a minute, you are here, are you here to wake every morning and goto bed at night? Do you really think that you are here for nothing or for you to work?

Have you ever looked into Islam without knowing what it is and please dont judge something without knowing what is actually is because that is the biggest arrogance of all humans.

Many Many Thanks and May Allah open your heart.

Baki, I have looked int many religions. I even now go to many religion meetings and love to debate on it.

I think a lot of what I believe would offend you and many of the readers here. I am a Atheist and am very happy with believing in no after life, and having nothing rule the way I think to evolve.

I believe Religion is the biggest killer and biggest evil in this world… But I also believe it has done a lot of good… Just not enough to make up for the evil.

This is how I see most religions
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russell’s_teapot have a read

But i have nothing against any single religion… I see no more evilness in Islam then I do in Christian religions (I do see Scientology as 100% evil though

Lee, I love to debate aswell.

first of all as a Muslim, i would like to congratulate you. why? Because When a man makes its own judgement based on what he thinks or learned or being thought it a man with honesty.

In Islam, often said many times, even to Muslims that it is your families that make you being Muslim, but you must find it yourself aswell.

The First part of the the Shadah(Testimony that There is no god but Allah and Propeht Muhammad is His last Messanger)

The first is that you have completed and agreed on which is There is no god. So 50% of my job is done. dont get me wrong what i meant by that is that i dont have to tell you you believe in false or misguided stuff. but you made a clear decision.

I respect your thoughts at all times, Openness is great. Prophet Muhammad Peace be upon Him always debated and allowed people to say their views and thinking, He (saw) never stopped a man to thinking about what they wanted to say.

Islam is no evil, it is man that make or follow Evil, If Islam had a tiny bit of Evil perception, i doubt anyone in the world will be living now. why? Look at the History of Spain, Turkey, Abassinians and how they ruled under one Book, the Quran.

Allah says in the Quran :

“And seek not occasions for mischief in the land: for Allah loves not those who do mischief. ” (28:77)

So man cause mischief not Islam.

Trust me, look into Islam, not so that you can believe or anything but for research purposes, if you find anything, please enlighten me aswell.

Quran says:
2:256 There is no compulsion in religion, for the right way is clearly from the wrong way. Whoever therefore rejects the forces of evil and believes in God, he has taken hold of a support most unfailing, which shall never give way, for Allah is All Hearing and Knowing.

Many Many Thanks

Baki, I like you ! You think very well. Assalaamu Alaikum

Thanks cariad. Knowledge is by Allah and we must use it wisely.

The other day i read a blog about the Muslims and how they “effect” the world in a manner of destruction.

I cracked up, If true Muslims were here to destruct as i mentioned before, i do not think a single person will be alive today or they would all become muslims forcefully if we were bad unlike what the Christians done in the past in Aftica and still using their tactics to gave money to people to convert and then use them against Islam.

Joke,big fat Joke.

I would like to remind everyone of this verse in Quran:

(O people of the Scripture (Jews and Christians)!
Do not exceed the limits in your religion, nor say of Allah aught but the truth.

The Messiah ‘Iesa (Jesus), son of Maryam (Mary), was (no more than) a Messenger of Allah and His Word,

(“Be!” – and he was) which He bestowed on Maryam (Mary) and a spirit (Ruh) created by Him; so believe in Allah and His Messengers. Say not:

“Three (trinity)!” Cease! (it is) better for you.

For Allah is (the only) One Ilah (God), Glory be Him (Far Exalted is He) above having a son.

To Him belongs all that is in the heavens and all that is in the earth. And Allah is All-Sufficient as a Disposer of affairs.) 4:171

May Allah protect us from Evil Iblis.

My message to everyone with a Media version of Islam in their minds, please look at Islam the way you look at yourself on the mirror, and just ask yourself not the media not the Imam and not a Muslim. Dont ask a Muslim about Islam, find out yourself. Yes he can tell you Islam is good and all that but can also get you deluted with his concept of Politics because the biggest problem muslims are facing around the world is division, seperation of nationalism and the perception of East or West.

And to Him(Allah) belongs the East and West.

I had many arguments with some of Muslims brothers regarding Women and nearly all of them are trapped in their Culture, so they stop becoming a Muslim at that time and then become a Muslim again. WHATS THIS! Jokeee.

I saw alot of Muslim man in London go out with girls and chat with them and all that stuff done here. So i asked one of them, Brother, can i have your sisters number?

He went ballistic, man if he had a gun, he probably shot me straight, no questions. The anger on his face.Phew.

But i smiled and he straightaway realised what he was doing. I said now think that this girl is your sister and think that im sitting in your place now.

He said nah nah i wont allow that and im like why? How come your are doing it, why cant She enjoy life the way you do?

He stopped and looked at me like he had nothing to say, The girl next to him was listening, she didnt say a single world.

So Brothers and Sisters think about it, Put yourself in the place of the opposite and think from their point, that is a true Muslim. Understanding both sides.

Make sure you understand that person, no MAtter what who they are. Just listen. Prophet SAW always listened, never stopped a person of them talking.

One day Prophet Muhammad was in he desert going to Makkah city. An angry women came near Him(SAW) and start shouting at Him, accusing Him and thinks that you wont be able to think of saying.

After the women went. The Sahabah said, O Messenger of Allah, that women said very bad things and you didnt say a word even though you know it was wrong.

He SAW said, (i cant quote the exact words)when a person is angry, be calm, listen understand the opposite and put yourself into their position and feel their anger.

My Point is, today, when someone writes about Islam in a bad way in a way they understand, Its OK, its their view, just because someone said and drew something about Islam, Let them do it, but there is a limit to how far they can go.

So i would gently and go speak with those people, explain them this is not ideal and calmly express your opinions. A TRue Muslim will not get posters out saying goto hell, well Allah only knows who will go Hell not you!!!!!. So you cant say that.

We are humans and As Muslims, we cannot express our Islam by anger, killing, suicides, Wallahi this is not Islam but rahter a opposite of Islam.

May Allah protect us from all Evil around us and Around everyone.

Sorry for talking for long.

Argh! I found this website… thank heavens.
I’m an american but living in South Africa (my career).. I met an Arab (1/2 Saudi 1/2 Lebanese – holding a Palestinian passport / Lebanese) quite awhile ago and we’re in love.
I’m out of a 8 year marriage… Ihab is a few years younger than me. Divorced last year.
Ihab and I want to get married…. he’s working and living in Dubai.
I’m so battling with the culture. He’s so attentive of me when I’m with him ( I travel once a month to be with him… too difficult to keep doing a visa each month for him to come here plus his work restraints). We have a great relationship. But, the way he communicates to me is so odd from the way I’m used to with Western men. He responds to my sms’s but never timely… sometimes doesn’t answer his phone, etc. The moment I see his sms’s or calls, I immediately answer. But with him, it seems that everything else can be priority…. especially if he has a lot going on his life… I seem to take a back seat in his thoughts. Is that normal? Getting him to talk (moreso on the phone) and have a conversation about our relationship is hectic. It’s so frustrating. Is this a culture thing or just a ‘him’ thing?

Hi Britt

If you connect every mens behaviour to culture than there is about 2bn cultures in the Muslim world. Its Him, He is not taking responsibility on you, which probably as you said what makes you second prioriry and also because you to live in different places and dont see each other often, He should be communicating alot.

Some men are like that and i know few of them. Its best not to try to communicate with him and gave him some time, if he doesnt get back, then he probably is not interested and only after a lough or something but if He does care about you then He will definetely get back to you.

He thinks because you are keep on calling texting etc, i dont have to. So stop this and get him to think about you other than opposite.

Which of course doenst mean you forget about Him no, i just want you to teach Him a lesson and remind Him about what Islam tells him about how to care for a woman. If he is geniuenly a believer then he will take his relationship very seriously if his not interested than he only carries a label with no value on it.

Hope it Helps.

sorry Britt, when i said “Him about what Islam tells him about how to care for a woman” i ment tell him NOT THIS CULTURE but his Religion.

If he tell him about his culture, boy then thats next level forget it. Look into it and remind Him on few Islamic quotes about Women in Islam. Dont get me wrong im not trying to seduce you to Islam or anything, i just want you to remind him of what he should be responsible for.

Hope it helps

The worst thing is these Arabic social practises then mix with a supposedly international Islam and perpetuat to others who take it as values from Islam and implement them in their own way of life.
After year of Islam and internationl Arabism I have finally learnt to open my mind.

I am a US college student currently dating a foreign exchange student [a shiite saudi woman!!!] =X Yea I know!!

When we first began dating we were both not quite sure how to act in each other’s presence. But I have started to learn how to really treat a woman. And I have also never found someone as amazing and perfect as her. Two people from COMPLELTELY opposite backgrounds and lifestyles can click so well and make everything seem so perfect!! Idk why I am saying this but I thought I would kinda get it off my chest how amazing she is lol!!!!

Hi Mona, I am so glad you opened up about this issue. I am a Muslim but I was brought up in a non-Muslim country whereby 4 different races live amicably together. When I moved to Dubai, I fell in love with a Palestinan guy who seemed to be a perfect soul mate for me. After 3 years together, he is reluctant to fight for our love even though he loves me deeply. He said that in his culture he is not allowed to marry any other girl except from within his family or one that is chosen by his mother. I was completely heartbroken upon hearing this. I saw the tears in his eyes upon breaking this news to me and he is the sort who never cries.

I had loved him like no other and I had supported him in many ways in particular, financially, when nobody was there to support him, not even his family as they relied heavily on him. I told him that when somebody loves you, she will sacrifice everything for you however if you marry someone else, she (your wife) will be heavily dependent on you. He said if that is the case, he will go back to the family for support. I am just wishing him the best because obviously he did not remember who had always been there for him when he needed help most. Strangely even until now I am the giver and he is the taker. I am not surprised if he comes back to me for more help after his marriage.

Whilst going through this episode in my life, I realised that the only true love I have is Allah. He is the One True Love for He is All Hearing, All Knowing and He gives Sustenance to whoever He wills. Maybe Allah is saving me and guiding me to the right path and is saving me from heartaches later in my life. For whatever is the reason, I put my Trust in Allah (Tawakalallah).

He also said that if his wife does not listen to him, he will divorce her. I find it strange..how easy it is for him to utter the word divorce. And at the same time, he said that the number of divorce rate amongst the arranged Muslim marriages is lower than western marriages which is based on love. Isnt that very contradicting? His idea of a wife is just to stay at home and take care of the children. And funnily, I know many Arabs and his friends even, who are married with children and yet still have girlfriends for sinful purposes/acts.

For now I only pray to Allah that He gives me happiness that I truly deserve and to forget the pain I am going through. The only medicine that could heal me is through prayers and Al Quran and so far alhamdulilah I am in the midst of recovering spiritually.

Also, I found out that amongst the Arab, there are some (eg. Lebanese) who believes love before marriage (no indencies)builds a stronger foundation, these people are more liberal and realistic in their thinking about love and marriage. And many of them are not into arranged marriage. They also accept if their wives are far better than them in terms of education and work profession. There is hardly inferiority complex on their part which is very pleasing.

Hi Kathryn!

I agree with you 101%.
In my search for an answer to the question “DO ARABS KNOW OR FEEL LOVE?” I have read quite a lot of articles & spoke with a lot of Arab people that somehow put an end to my quest and the answer is “NO, ARABS DON’T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS, MORE SO THEY DON’T FEEL IT”. I have a lot of friends (ladies) who are married with Arab and ALL of them are sharing the same sentiments that they are being treated as a “Sex Object”. Can you imagine the feeling of a mother who was not even invited to her own son’s birthday party because the family of this Arab guy does not acknowledge her? I mean, where is the “Love will Conquer All” thing in his heart? That�s just one of the thousands of stories I know from different people I encountered who are into a so called �Relationship with Arabs�. Lastly, I want to share with you this, I happened to had a chance to ask question about �loving someone� from different Arab (men) individuals on different occasions surprisingly they gave me the same answer �We don�t love, we just make love & be happy!!!�. God bless them.

Non-Arab in ME Here!

oh i really dont know about arabs exactly
me being somali
we kind of
let the two people find eachother
then talk wteva
tell their parents
den get his parents 2 ask for her hand in marriage
nd pay the mehr etc
though
wat is considered 3eeb is
internet dating (which is think is 3eeb)
and like going out with a guy and stuff before your parents know you are intrested in him
coz somalis gossip
WAAY 2 much
and they suspect er
ur not clean

after i read all you wrote, i want ask a favor you let me say that i had story love with muslim man and it was the love more beautiful and it was more 5 years via internet, in the same time i met him, and i came visit the uae and we were living like married in the same home, we were not married, that time i was not having religion, so i let me go for my feelings, for the love i feeled in my heart for him, well like i am from mexico and i was born with free desitions in the familly, well for me the natural was think , like i was living with him, i will be living like a matriage without be marry. after we tryed marry and was impossible because i was not muslim, they told that in the court, they finished our relation because i had back to home again, it was the most sad story love, and until i was waiting 2 years more for be with him, his familly married him wiht other lady, i dont know say if he is happy or not, but i remember still he told,, if i dont marry withyou i wont do that wiht any other, and now i am in shock of that, i dont believe more in any man, i can hear the same words and only dont believe that, i felt me i comited big mistake because i was not born muslim and because here islam not exist, all are cristians. until i came be muslim now, well anyway i dont understand why beeing so sweet like i was, his mother and father never liked me. well i write this for only you see one exemple of life. i dont like disturb them, sorry me, i felt so deep all messages than i felt the necesity share with all of you this.

I can totally relate to this article. I used to live in an Arab country all my life and I came to Canada for university. Before coming, I was expecting to find a group of Arab Canadians who would be just as cool as my multicultural friends I had back home (I was raised in a British private school with people from all over the world). Instead, I found a group of people with the mentality of 5th century Arab peasants.

What Mona says about people trying to be more conservative is true. Sometimes, it’s just messed up. So far I’ve been in 2 secret relationships because we were scared of what everyone will think (this is supposed to be in Canada!!!!!!!) or her older brother will kick my ass if he finds out his baby sister is dating. I mean honestly, and it wasn’t like we were doing anything “wrong”.

I think Arabs need to grow up from this 7th century bull. Our cultures have become gods that can’t be argued with and puny things like “what people would say” and “honour” have become a part of our permenant character.

There are people who have criticised Mona citing that they themselves are Arabs living in North America and do not face these problems; cool. I acknowledge that; I visited my high school friend only recently who was studying in another part of Canada and his crew didn’t seem all that bad and there’s like a handful of people who are cool where I’m at but we can’t ignore the people who are messing this up for all of us. I stopped hanging around with my Arab friends because I didn’t want to be part of this backward mentality. I hope I can find the cool Arabs someday though

PS. These conservatives, from my opinion, are not motivated by religion. Although, with some hard work, they can find a verse or two in the Quran that will justify their understanding or how they see the world. These guys’ main motives are purely cultural. To them this is the best way to deal with the culture shock they go through and that’s how we get a dysfunctional society within this society.

I think it’s important to have people understand that Arabs do indeed know what love is. It’s unfortunate to read that several ppl here agree that we Arabs and love don’t go hand in hand. It’s enough that we have to deal with other stereotypes (ignorant,backward, stubborn, uncivil etc) Being unable to love or love-back shouldn’t be another! If you read the stories of Qais & Layala or Antar & Abla, these were historic love stories that clearly show Arabs are able to feel such affection. Not all of us are cold-hearted.

Hahaha i live in Canada.. And i 80% of my friends are arabs! They are not like that! Hell i was at some arab girls houses just now. Just came back! its 4am! And they are respectable and polite! we were just chilling watching a movie! And its not strange or 3eib or anything its cool. Im there in a friend capacity and they have me over cuz we have become overtime real close friends. And 2 days ago me and a few of my friends were over at my house, with my sis and mom and commonnnn. You say arabs dont love before marriage! Go watch some egyptian movies! Lol thats all they talk about now! (Egyptian moveies came a long way btw its amazing now) Not so sexual like the clips hailing from lebanon these days lol (haifa w dana and so on..) But actual loving caring stuff. Actual touching stuff that makes the girls tear… Us guys dont cry, we dont have feelings afterall! lol. (take in good humor) I really like your blog btw find it interesting and i dont find blogs interesting in general!!

I am an Arab female, born in the Middle East, but has lived in NY for about 19 years now. Both my parents are Middle Eastern. Although I live in the US, I consider myself very much Arab (or Arab-American) and know that I eventually want to be with and marry an Arab man. I met an Arab man and we dated, with both our parents’ permission (because we wanted to do things “the right way”), for months. I liked this man, but most importantly, I dated him because he was within the sphere of men that I could date and he was well within my parents very high standards…being he’s middle eastern, of the same religion..and most other qualities that girls dream to find in a husband. I, however, wasn’t sure if he was for ME�whether I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I ended the relationship because I was pressured by my father to either commit (get engaged) or end the relationship�because “I was given sufficient time to decided whether I want to marry this man or not”. I, however, felt otherwise and so I chose to end the relationship (I was not in love). Two years later he contacted me and we dated again for a very short while. Soon thereafter, he proposed and we got engaged (although I still was not in love). The reason I accepted his marriage proposal was also be because of pressures to make a hasty commitment �pressures from my family, his family and other outside pressures..mostly because I was an Arab girl who isn’t engaged or married�”..but is parading around with some ‘boyfriend’..”. He was, after all, everything my parents were looking for for me. In their eyes, he was the perfect, self-respecting Arab man for their daughter to marry, and didn�t want to see anything else.

During my engagement period, I went through hell because I KNEW that I would be “stuck” in an unhappy marriage. For a while, I tried to convince myself otherwise. I was loosing weight, became unhappy, depressed, angry, and most of all, resentful towards my family because I was now “an engaged woman, and must not end the relationship due to insignificant factors”. Although my parents reminded me everyday that this is my decision and that they will not force me to marry anyone that I didn�t want to marry, I knew deep down inside that their ways made this happen (because I wanted to do things “the right way”). I was afraid of ending my engagement because I didn�t want to go throught the stigma of “not being engaged anymore”. Approximately one month before our wedding day..I woke up one morning, called my fiance, and told him that I can not go through with marrying him. That day was the happiest day of my life!!! This is when I truly made a decision on my own�where I truly felt free�as though a huge mountain has been lifted off my shoulders. All I had to do was say it�all I had to do was express my heart’s desire

The point of my story is this: As soon as I told my parents my final decision, they accepted it right away. No questions asked. I know that, in the end, they want to see me happy. I do not blame my parents. I was pressured to get engaged because they were pressured�our society pressures us to conform with this way of thinking and to accept that this is “the right way”. Everything else is considered blasphemous. I still ask my parents for advice because I understand that they are wiser, more experienced than I am�but now, as opposed to before, take my parents advice into consideration but make my decisions based on ME. As conservative Arabs, we forget that this is key�we forget what we want for ourselves.

I was actually looking for a site which would explain to me what had happened in my inter-racial relationship.
To start it all of, I would say Mona, that your view is generally correct. Though there maybe some Arabs who are a bit more liberal (ie, Lebanese and Egyptians). Anyway, here’s my story:
Have been with an Arab for 3 years. First year, we broke up because he replaced me with a Moroccan married woman, I forgave him and got back to him, next he went on a trip outside our country of residence without me and he ended up having a one night stand with a western lady, still I forgave him. We went through with the relationship. I met his family and he met mine. He talked about marriage which he said we would have at the end of this year. Just a few weeks back, he called it off and told me that he is not willing to get married. I found out from a friend of ours that he has been talking and saying that he WILL NEVER marry a non-arabic lady. Sad isn’t it? I mean I have always discussed this inter-racial relationship with him and asked him whether it would be a problem or not because if it is, I would like to end the relationship and find someone else who will stay with me and marry me because he loves me, to which he replied that there was no problem with our relationship. I’ve got other friends as well who went through the same thing.
In totality, I guess, these arabic men think more like an Arab is for an Arab. If this be true, then it simply means that Mona is right. They do not know how to love because love, goes beyond boundaries.

Great article as I happen to be in this very predicament right now. Actually, its been ongoing since March 2008 when his father said no. I have children already (who are 15 & 17), he is Moroccan, I am Caucasian-American, and let me see… what was the 3rd reason??? Oh yeah, I’m 4 years older. (me 34 & him 30) I’m sure 4 years younger wouldn’t be a problem.

I have gone through tremendous efforts to make this relationship work. I flew to Morocco to stay with him and his family for a week and I was his first and only sexual experience. Then, I left everything behind in the US, my kids, my home, my job, my pets. (thank god for supportive family) I converted to Islam, not just for him, but because it makes more sense than Christianity and I know it is crucial for two people to share the same beliefs. I moved here to the so-called muslim country at his request.
But, the topic of our future is too much pressure for him. Our relationship has finally ended 10 days ago with these words… “Family is against that marriage, Should we ignore them and do what you want?”

We spoke a little here and there, but basically I am now ignoring him and moving on with my life. I know he still loves me because it shows and even still, I only see the positives for why we are good together. but this pressure to chose and go against his father’s opinion (which isn’t even an islamic one) is too much for him. his respect for his parents is part of the reason i love him, because I have seen his tears, and have felt his pain about this. but he is torn, so here we are.

so, I am still here in the UAE, living and working and wondering what the hell am I doing here!? Although I promised my love I would not write his father again, I did. I am very real with his father. Real and respectful. I pleaded with him to give his son the opportunity for a better life, as life here in the UAE is hard for non-natives. I also asked him to keep my letter between me, him and Allah and so far he has. I asked him to just go to his son and give him his support for the decision he wants for his life.

Maybe he’s hoping that his non-response will be the solution to our break-up, but his family did not know i was living here. my love will go vacation with his family in about 2 weeks and I have nothing to lose. Without his father’s approval (his mother and other family likes me and approves by the way) anyway, without the chief’s approval, its the end, so I have nothing to lose by writing him.

The funny thing about discriminating people is that THEY PRODUCE THE VERY RESULTS THAT THEY BASE THEIR CLAIMS ON!!! My love and I have been together almost 1 year and our struggles have not been due to age difference, race/culture, or my kids. The sole source of our problem is his father’s opinion.

anyway, good topic, thanks for posting it.

I think your relationship issues have nothing at all to do with race / culture. NOTHING AT ALL! true as it may be that Arab men don’t know how to love, the problem is really in the TYPE of man YOU PICKED. You could’ve gotten this BS from any man on the planet, this one just happens to be Arab. LET HIM GO…today, right now. DO IT!
Go get the book, “Why Men Marry Bitches”, suck it up, find your ovaries and drive on sis. If a man doesn’t know he’s found gold, when he sees it, HE DOESN’T DESERVE TO HAVE IT! as much as your love for him would like to CONVINCE him that he does. men like this think of women as OPTIONS. they are confused by the teaching that it is acceptable and expected that they will HAVE lots of options. they feel it is their birthright since they ended up with a penis, instead of a vagina and all the prophets (pbut) did it and said its ok. this is the reason they have no conscience about it.

hello mona!

thanks for addressing the “issue”, i like it

i love my bf, he is an arab. i hope your article will give him the courage to tell his parents/family about me.

i am hoping the same to all the arabs dating non-arabs/non-muslims.

arabs wake up! =)

Thanks, i wish my muslim arab bf would read this.

goodluck to you too!