I have been pretty down lately from life and people. At times I feel that I cannot control anything in my life anymore. It has been very upsetting and very depressing for me. Out of depression and being sick and tired, I tend to remember the happy times that I had in the past and see if I can turn back time. I have been trying to get in touch with people from the past. Just to say “hey, how are you. Do you still remember me?” Nothing. No replies, nothing. I tried email, and even Facebook. No answer. On Facebook they even removed their accounts and I cannot search for them anymore, or maybe they just blocked me. I don’t know. I don’t understand people anymore and why they hate me so much. Was I ever that bad?
I look at my life now and I can honestly say I am at an all time low. I wish I can just meet new people or try to be more open and have fun in life. I am so scared now a days from talking or trying to interact much with people because I am afraid they will hate me if I said anything. So I just stay quiet and just listen. I don’t know what to do anymore. I think the past haunts me, the present is not a place I want to be in, and I cannot even think of the future anymore.
The other day, my dad was sitting there in the living room with my mom one morning before I was going off to work, and he was so sad. Then I said, “what’s wrong?” My dad said, “I keep dreaming about you.” I said, “ok?” Mom then said, “he wants you to get married. He is worried about you.” Then my dad’s eyes started watering and was about to cry. I just got up and left. I couldn’t stand it. I don’t know what to do with my self anymore. Everything in my life is so wrong and nothing is going the way it was supposed to be and everyone is sad and upset cause of me. At times I wish I just never existed.