Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

It has been a really long time now. Few months, maybe even years. Who knows. I lost count long time ago. At times I just feel that everything was wrong. That so many things happened that kept breaking apart. I tried to fix and glue it back together, and then, after a while, everything just fell and shattered to many pieces. Too many that nothing can put it back together.

At times I think that when everything shatters, the heart shatters as well.

What I mean is that I can’t force my self to like the idea of someone else in my life. I try to even just think of it as fun, but I can’t. I think I completely lost every emotion that has to do with loving someone again. Is it fear? At times I think it is fear of rejection again. Fear of wasting my time and life again. It is enough I wasted all these years, and now all I can do is nothing really. I am just living day after day. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing at all.

I have changed so much. Really a lot. I changed physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have become a person trapped in that distorted mirror. I keep looking at it and it changes the second I look at another place in that mirror. Nothing is staying put. Nothing is going as I have planned. That’s why I never plan anymore. I never look forward to anything anymore. I just don’t have the desire to do anything at all anymore.

I used to be really nice and very innocent. I lived life simply and just acted like everyone else. However, I kept getting pushed, and pushed till I no longer controlled my anger and emotions. I used to be really nice. I used to be a very different person. A person I want to be again and just think life is simple and just think that everything will be fine if I really thought it would be.

At times, without even thinking at all, I act the way I was without realizing it. I suddenly become nice, and compassionate to others with no reason. Sometimes I do feel that I am bipolar and I act as two different persons. I don’t even realize it at times, but I am trying a new thing. When I am mad and angry to not say a word. Just keep my mouth shut and accept anything and ignore it too. I can’t change anything or anyone. I cannot control anything but my self. I just have to accept life and just live day by day and maybe .. well no maybes. Seriously, how do you mend a broken heart?

No offense to any Jordanian, but I am not. I keep getting added to Jordanian networks and labeled as Jordanian. I am flattered, but no. I am Palestenian and I have no relatives, or any relation to Jordan what so ever. I am Palestenian from way up north near Lebanon. Sorry to disappoint you guys, but who ever keeps saying I am and adding me to these networks, then please stop. I don’t want to be added to various country networks. I am just a member of a Palestenian network that has been started by the awesome Haitham Sabbah and a Palestenian community site and that’s it. I am not a member of anything else.

Also, I think for those bloggers who start networks such as that, don’t add any blog without the blogger’s consent please. I think it should be a privacy rule! Ask me first! If I didn’t sign up for it, then don’t add me! I choose where I want to belong, and no one makes that decision for me at all!

If there is a general Arabic network out there than it would be a lot better to join. That way I don’t get a specific group of people coming from one source to attack me or criticize my views. I don’t have time or the patience for that.

And yes, I am a stuck up Palestenian and proud of it. Most of you hate me, and I don’t care. I represent only my self as an Arab girl who happens to be of Palestenian origin. That’s it! I could have easily called my self a Rebellious Palestenian Girl, but I didn’t because I didn’t want nationality to be the main focus to what my site is about.

So remove me and make sign up forms from now on or email blog owners. Don’t just ADD THEM!

I was at the gym this morning and one of the songs we danced to was Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie.” Obviously, part of the routine was to belly dance. My sister and I were breezing through it. It is pretty much the only thing we can do with ease. It’s so natural to shake our ass! Then we look around and all these women are barely moving. They couldn’t even twist their hips from one side to another.

My sister then said, “Mona, the only thing you can do is shake. You suck at everything else.”

I said, “yah yah yaaaaaaaaah! It’s too easy. I am Arab and that’s how we dance!”

She said, “no one else was able to. It was hilarious!”

I said, “yep.. too bad.. They need some belly dancing classes. Jeez.. they can’t shake at all!”

The advantage of being an Arab. We can shake it like no tomorrow!

I like watching this video on TV. It has some Egyptian Belly Dancing. Hilarious!

Have you ever had one of those mornings where you say to your self, “why did I wake up? Why can’t I just sleep forever and forget about life and all its miseries.”

I am just sick of life. I just keep having horrible dreams and at times I am afraid to sleep. I keep thinking, oh today, what will I dream today that will wake me up in the middle of the night startled. Why can’t I just sleep and not dream! Why do we humans have to dream?