It has been a really long time now. Few months, maybe even years. Who knows. I lost count long time ago. At times I just feel that everything was wrong. That so many things happened that kept breaking apart. I tried to fix and glue it back together, and then, after a while, everything just fell and shattered to many pieces. Too many that nothing can put it back together.
At times I think that when everything shatters, the heart shatters as well.
What I mean is that I can’t force my self to like the idea of someone else in my life. I try to even just think of it as fun, but I can’t. I think I completely lost every emotion that has to do with loving someone again. Is it fear? At times I think it is fear of rejection again. Fear of wasting my time and life again. It is enough I wasted all these years, and now all I can do is nothing really. I am just living day after day. Nothing to look forward to. Nothing at all.
I have changed so much. Really a lot. I changed physically, mentally, and emotionally. I have become a person trapped in that distorted mirror. I keep looking at it and it changes the second I look at another place in that mirror. Nothing is staying put. Nothing is going as I have planned. That’s why I never plan anymore. I never look forward to anything anymore. I just don’t have the desire to do anything at all anymore.
I used to be really nice and very innocent. I lived life simply and just acted like everyone else. However, I kept getting pushed, and pushed till I no longer controlled my anger and emotions. I used to be really nice. I used to be a very different person. A person I want to be again and just think life is simple and just think that everything will be fine if I really thought it would be.
At times, without even thinking at all, I act the way I was without realizing it. I suddenly become nice, and compassionate to others with no reason. Sometimes I do feel that I am bipolar and I act as two different persons. I don’t even realize it at times, but I am trying a new thing. When I am mad and angry to not say a word. Just keep my mouth shut and accept anything and ignore it too. I can’t change anything or anyone. I cannot control anything but my self. I just have to accept life and just live day by day and maybe .. well no maybes. Seriously, how do you mend a broken heart?