My Life’s To-Do List
I am currently at work and I have zero motivation to be sitting here. I am just browsing the net and reading everyone’s comments along the way. I do read everything, even from my mobile phone, but I just don’t feel like I have anything constructive to say back to everyone right now. I know there are people supporting me, and I am thankful for the private emails I have received too. I also know there are people who wish that they knew me in real life and hopefully can hear my pain better than reading it. I don’t even like writing half the crap I have written on my site for the past 28 months of its life.
Most of my writings have been based on depression. I thought to my self, well, a shrink will cost me over $100 bucks an hour to give me advice on stuff I know, so I made a website to do that instead. I allowed people to comment and tell me how they would cope with things. How they would handle it. Best remedy is getting advice from those who probably share the same feelings as me and actually understand. I honestly don’t even re-read what I have written at all, and tend to forget the pain over time because I feel that I have written it out. It is gone out of my system and someone else heard it as well and I don’t feel as depressed anymore.
However, that hasn’t worked at all. It was all but a lie. Rebellious? What is rebellious? Rebellious because I actually made a website and I said to the world, “fuck it!” You are not better than me, and probably I am better than you and you just have not realized it yet but I am telling you. I am very arrogant at times. I support nothing, and I represent nothing on my site but my self. People need to understand one thing. I am ME. I am a human being who has a online diary. How many of you ever wanted to steal someone else’s diary when you were young? Or even now? It’s not because it is fun or you want to know one or two secrets. You are doing it because you know that someone else may be suffering as much as you, and they had the guts to write it out. Do you?
Can you say I am depressed? Yes.
Do I cope with depression well at all? No.
Do I handle stress very well? No.
Do I usually cry for no reason? Yes.
What really makes me more depressed is how others react to it. Some people are logical and pretty understanding and try to help, and others well… What happens when you have two people on the opposite side of the spectrum and are only joined at one spot? And that spot is the one that brakes everything apart?
Great times I am living right now. I didn’t sleep at all last night. I tried. I even listened to my friend for not taking sleeping pills and trying to just sleep on my own. Did not work. Did not sleep at all and my head is pounding like it was struck by a sledge hammer. I think I need an extra dosage of something. Prozac? Zantac? What’s the -ac for anyways? Some Latin syllable? I would look it up, but if I did, then I would have to write about what it REALLY means, and I honestly don’t give a shit right now. Maybe it means PAIN KILLER! How can you kill pain? What if your entire body, mind, and soul is in pain? Does that mean you would totally be killed by such atrocities? I say no to drugs. No to shrinks. No to everything! I will just write, and I will just listen until I figure out if I want to just pack up everything in my life, put it in a box, throw it out, or just keep staring at it for the rest of my life until it rots.
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I know how you feel
I know it, because I feel exactly like that right now. The only difference is that it is my own fault (as if it is anybody’s fault to be depressed), not that of any shitty work environment. Sleeping? I don’t go to bed until I feel so tired that I can’t keep my eyes open, sometimes 1 AM, sometimes even 7 AM… I spend more and more times on the net, or reading, regardless how good the weather is or what I should be doing.
I find it very brave of you to tell us all this about yourself.I admire you for that. I wouldn’t be able to do it. As for your depression, It will eventually disappear someday soon, as will mine. I have a loong experience with that.
oh and don’t start with sleeping pills (if you didn’t already) unless a doctor prescribes them for you.
First of all, thank you so much for your comments, it means more to me that you could ever know. Shakaraallahu Sa’ayakom, may dad R.I.P.
Moey.. don’t mention it. I hope your father R.I.P.
7ayatak al-baqyah, Moey. Illahi, may he rest in peace.
Guys, you all managed to depress me. Ya Allah.
Spring is springing! Get out and enjoy some sunshine!
Life is beautiful! BTW – I really like the new layout, as I believed I mentioned before, but it bears repeating. Try reading a book that always helps me, ‘Oh! The Places You’ll Go” by Dr. Suess. At this point I cannot promise you it will help – but it doesn’t look like it can hurt. Mind you, I’m kinda screwing the pooch myself at work today. Ah well, on it goes …
I can’t say that I’ve gone through a prolonged period of depression, but there have been times in my life where I’ve felt like I’ve just been thrown down a deep well, and there’s no one to help, and I feel my hands are tied. I turn to my faith in these times. There’s a certain relief that comes with the realization that you are not always in charge of your life, that things happen and you have no control over it, and that’s okay, because when you feel lost and alone and depressed, there is someone to guide you and keep you company. It’s definitely not always drugs and shrinks that are the solution, sometimes, all you need is a little bit of faith.