It is heart breaking, but maybe you won’t understand.

So why have I been pissed, angry, depressed, want to seriously just stop life and not think or do anything anymore?

The worse thing about life is realizing that things will end, and the future is so uncertain, so unclear, that tomorrow is shit scary.

So why was I so out of it?

My boss is leaving the end of this month. He got another job and he had serious problems with his boss and co-workers to the point that instead of giving him the raise that he deservs, he got a contract that was less than what he made and honestly, anyone would get so pissed. Not only that, he had enough.

So now, I have no boss. We are a group of programmers with no manager, and what the hell is going to happen to us? No clue. So I was mad, sad, furious, depressed because now I feel that my worst nightmare has come true. I mean seriously, I have complained about my job constantly, and always wanted to get out of it because the environment sucks and I know that I could be making more money, working with a lots of projects and more deadlines, and feel like I have accomplished many great things in a day. Now, I just don’t know what’s going to happen at all.

Why am I complaining about all this? Well, I am not loosing my boss, but also one of my best friends. He knows it, and I know it. Now, I am scared of the people around me. I have no one to defend me and no one to control me. I mean I fought with him ridiculous fights that we seriously wanted to kill one another because I got my own stern opinion and so does he and trying to bend each others view points was never easy, but in the end of the day, we are at this job for a purpose.

So what is my job? I never mentioned what the hell I do. Yes I am a programmer. Yes I am a graphics artists. I got the skills of two people. How many people out there are programmers and graphics artists and actually are good at both? I have a lot more skills but pretty much that’s what the main aspects of my job are. So why am I needed? I create software for children with hearing problems and speech problems. I actually do something humanitarian in the end of the day, and that’s pretty much why I stayed this long. My job has a purpose, and now, no manager, no one to really be a buffer zone between researchers and everyone else to get the info we need and be a contact, and everything is now so unclear that it is scary.

I have been talking to my friends and one said, “well, isn’t it time to step up and be a project manager like you always wanted?”

No. I am scared. I am unsure and I really don’t want to be responsible for all this. Not this way.

Now I am just confused, sad, heart broken, and I really just don’t know what to do. I keep looking for jobs, but nothing yet.

I got this job 6 years ago, when really I had serious financial problems and no income in my family, and I was confused and wasn’t even looking for work and was just a summer student worker. Then the job was pretty much handed to me. And now, when I have no idea what to do and what’s going to happen to me in the next few weeks, or even days, I feel that things slowly lost all meaning and I am going to loose everything.

I seriously need a change or just a miracle. I don’t know what to do anymore. I never been more depressed in my life, and I have been depressed A LOT, but this tops them all.

Random Thoughts