I think the past week was a bit hectic and depressive, but I guess I need a brake. I really do. I can honestly say that my job has caused me the most stress in my life, more than anything because I let it be, because it was a part of me.
So I forgot about that for today. I tried to just be normal and enjoy my time, although I am suffering from extreme anxiety and I don’t know when it will ever stop and I can’t even get my self to mentally stop it. I wake up in the morning to a variety of emails from readers feeling bad for me and to tell me that they feel the same sometimes, or they have gone through this before. However, I think to my self, “do any of you really know how I feel?”
I sometimes look at my self in the mirror and see those black lines under my eyes, and the white hairs that creep out from my skull, and think to my self, “am I old or I made my self look old?” It was bad enough the sudden weight gain of about 30 pounds in 1.5 months back in 2004 from extreme depression, but still, what have I seriously done to my self?
Lately, as I mentioned the other day that I have been chatting to a really nice guy, that is so ideal to the picture I drew to my self a few months ago of a guy I want to be with. I know many of you seriously bitched at me and though I was crazy, but I made mental adjustments of what I want. Obviously it wasn’t perfect or exactly the same, but I really can’t get my self to change my entire life just like that. Not only that, he doesn’t live where I live but two hours away, and I haven’t met him, and the meeting would probably not happen for months, and I am a bit skeptical about his financial problems, although he is an engineer. However, I always asked my self this, “why the hell are Engineers attracted to me? Is it because I have super powers and I know what standard deviation and Pascal’s Law really mean? And I know how to use Autocad?” :hmph:
So anyways, I am just not in the mood to like anyone anymore or even bother. I strictly said that I wanted friends, and this really was my problem all along. I tried so hard in the past to find love and relationship that will last, but I was lacking friendship. What’s wrong with being friends? It’s so hard for people to understand that I just want to be friends, and being in any relationship or even thinking of liking a guy again is pretty much impossible at this point. I am really not in a mental mood to go through this again, and I think it would be a big mistake if I did this soon. I need to solve my life’s problem’s first before I commit to anything or try to go on to another step in my life that really I am not ready for and I don’t want to be in at all in the present time.