I think the past week was a bit hectic and depressive, but I guess I need a brake. I really do. I can honestly say that my job has caused me the most stress in my life, more than anything because I let it be, because it was a part of me.
So I forgot about that for today. I tried to just be normal and enjoy my time, although I am suffering from extreme anxiety and I don’t know when it will ever stop and I can’t even get my self to mentally stop it. I wake up in the morning to a variety of emails from readers feeling bad for me and to tell me that they feel the same sometimes, or they have gone through this before. However, I think to my self, “do any of you really know how I feel?”
I sometimes look at my self in the mirror and see those black lines under my eyes, and the white hairs that creep out from my skull, and think to my self, “am I old or I made my self look old?” It was bad enough the sudden weight gain of about 30 pounds in 1.5 months back in 2004 from extreme depression, but still, what have I seriously done to my self?
Lately, as I mentioned the other day that I have been chatting to a really nice guy, that is so ideal to the picture I drew to my self a few months ago of a guy I want to be with. I know many of you seriously bitched at me and though I was crazy, but I made mental adjustments of what I want. Obviously it wasn’t perfect or exactly the same, but I really can’t get my self to change my entire life just like that. Not only that, he doesn’t live where I live but two hours away, and I haven’t met him, and the meeting would probably not happen for months, and I am a bit skeptical about his financial problems, although he is an engineer. However, I always asked my self this, “why the hell are Engineers attracted to me? Is it because I have super powers and I know what standard deviation and Pascal’s Law really mean? And I know how to use Autocad?” :hmph:
So anyways, I am just not in the mood to like anyone anymore or even bother. I strictly said that I wanted friends, and this really was my problem all along. I tried so hard in the past to find love and relationship that will last, but I was lacking friendship. What’s wrong with being friends? It’s so hard for people to understand that I just want to be friends, and being in any relationship or even thinking of liking a guy again is pretty much impossible at this point. I am really not in a mental mood to go through this again, and I think it would be a big mistake if I did this soon. I need to solve my life’s problem’s first before I commit to anything or try to go on to another step in my life that really I am not ready for and I don’t want to be in at all in the present time.
I once heard the quote “they say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself” and I agree with it.. I went through a rough period last year after I moved out west where I loved it for a while but then something changed and I got really homesick, couldn’t sleep at all which obviously pretty much ruins you and any chance you have at a normal life or happiness or a functioning relationship.
I knew that I had to come home and being out there was not for me, I am very close to my friends and my family and I knew that I couldn’t replicate that there, my boyfriend was working until 2 in the morning every day and sleeping during the day and it was just not the lifestyle I wanted or was used to. A year later I feel great and he is back home and feeling great too and our relationship is better than it has ever been.
So I agree that you need to concentrate on YOU first before you can make anyone else happy. Anything else is just asking for trouble.
Ah, I’ve never understood relationships. To me there are two kinds of relationships, those in High School were everyone wants only one thing
and the other kind that can happen at any momen, a best friend that would never leave you, never harm you, and never try and forcibly change you.
But what do I know, I’m lonely…
But yeah, take a break. Hmm… being that it is (supposedly) spring, going to the park would be fun. It’s always great to watch birds poop on innocent bystanders, just stay out of sight
Or watch a movie, the crappier the better. If my gamertag was still valid I’d offer up a game of Halo 3 so we could go pwn some n00bs! But it died 
Or just chill and listen to some music and draw whatever comes to mind, can get rid of some stress even if its just a bunch of scribbles and/or bad words.
What kind of music do you like? Power Metal? Gangsta Rap? … Pop or Emo?
I would pursonally suggest a form of Metal. Nothing really gets you loosened up like a killer guitar solo and headbanging riffs. Or even a Symphony/Metal mix band like Epica. \m/
You use AutoCad… Wow, I can never force myself to open AutoCad and actually learn anything. I’ve had it for 2 years and every tutorial I find just makes me close it! :laugh:
Also noticing additions in the layout every now and then. Pretty cool. :yes: