The weekend is here, and I honestly am tired. Mentally tired that is. Like I had bad days or a bad week before, but this week was just horrible. I can honestly say that I am just tired of life. I want time off from life.

When I was in my teens I felt all the time in high school that I needed time off or was really sick of my life. I mean it got so bad that I swallowed an entire bottle of some medicine that I can’t remember what when I was 17. I don’t know why I did it, but it did get to a point in my life where I questioned my self and I gave up. What happened after? Hmm. I threw up the entire bottle. It was disgusting. I was sick for the next two days. My white blood cells were working over time.

Another time when I was 22 I over dosed on Advil. I just kept taking one after the other waiting to feel anything. I felt that I had an ever lasting head ache and won’t go away. What happened to me? Nothing. That’s what amazed me. Headache medicine does nothing to you. I just sat there swallowing, and my EX kept looking at me thinking I am nutz, then he took the bottle from me and I laughed. I told him, “what’s the point? Life sucks.”

I guess I am crazy, or was crazy, or just totally crazy. However, I kept my head together and stopped thinking about my self. I just decided one day to stop thinking about my self and think about other people instead. Thinking about other people is not a good idea. The reason is because you spend your entire time worrying about someone else that you forget who you are. You forget what your purpose of life is. We all question our selves at times, and want to just focus our lives on someone else to forget our problems, to forget our pain. Why do we do that?

So what have I spent the past two days doing? Moping around. Trying to put a smile on my face or to think positively about anything, but I can’t get my self to do it. I try, but being fake is so hard. That’s the one thing that I can’t do. I guess I would have sucked as a lawyer.

There are just far too many thoughts in my head.

What I have done the past two days was just browse the net. I did some searching for my website on Google and see who is linking to it and what people are saying about me, and I found a Palestenian website that has nominated me for best female blogger. I didn’t know about it, and the contest is practically over. They picked the top 10. If I knew I would have at least advertised it on my site or something. I need to seriously keep up to date with the world. However, just the thought that someone out there thinks I am the “best” just gives me hope. That I feel that I made this website for a reason. There are obviously people I love talking to and know in person too who read my blog and that makes me happy because they care. Knowing that complete strangers out there who recognize me and nominate me for being the “best” was just amazing. I don’t think I have ever been honoured like this before at all. I was honoured for being my self.

I also went to other blogs that mention me and they talk about me and also say that I am a famous blogger. The best thing about that that I am not famous amongst Arab bloggers. I am recognized or talked about in non-Arab blogs. I like that. Most of the visitors and commentors are not Arabs. Honestly, that’s what I was trying to represent from the beginning, and maybe it is what everyone from any race or culture has to say, “I am me, and you are you. We are different, but we can have the same thoughts, the same feelings. Those are not any different. It’s human.” I got an email yesterday from a guy in the States saying that he was shocked to just read the title of my site. He asked if my name is allowed in my culture? My name? Rebellious? Ah? Was I trying to represent my culture or am I representing to the world that I am what I am. It just happens that I am Arab. So what? I am sick of the stereotypes really. So what if I was Arab? I am Palestenian would that make it any different or worse? I just want people to realize that I made this site to tell people that I am Arab, yes, but I think and share my feelings like any body else. I am not afraid to speak out and you can relate to me as I can relate to you. I am not different really, but it just happens I am born to this culture. Is it my fault?

Blah Blah, Depressed, Random Thoughts

What is your definition of being a leader?

I want lots of different view points on this issue, cause I am confused and would like to know what you think.

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

So why have I been pissed, angry, depressed, want to seriously just stop life and not think or do anything anymore?

The worse thing about life is realizing that things will end, and the future is so uncertain, so unclear, that tomorrow is shit scary.

So why was I so out of it?

My boss is leaving the end of this month. He got another job and he had serious problems with his boss and co-workers to the point that instead of giving him the raise that he deservs, he got a contract that was less than what he made and honestly, anyone would get so pissed. Not only that, he had enough.

So now, I have no boss. We are a group of programmers with no manager, and what the hell is going to happen to us? No clue. So I was mad, sad, furious, depressed because now I feel that my worst nightmare has come true. I mean seriously, I have complained about my job constantly, and always wanted to get out of it because the environment sucks and I know that I could be making more money, working with a lots of projects and more deadlines, and feel like I have accomplished many great things in a day. Now, I just don’t know what’s going to happen at all.

Why am I complaining about all this? Well, I am not loosing my boss, but also one of my best friends. He knows it, and I know it. Now, I am scared of the people around me. I have no one to defend me and no one to control me. I mean I fought with him ridiculous fights that we seriously wanted to kill one another because I got my own stern opinion and so does he and trying to bend each others view points was never easy, but in the end of the day, we are at this job for a purpose.

So what is my job? I never mentioned what the hell I do. Yes I am a programmer. Yes I am a graphics artists. I got the skills of two people. How many people out there are programmers and graphics artists and actually are good at both? I have a lot more skills but pretty much that’s what the main aspects of my job are. So why am I needed? I create software for children with hearing problems and speech problems. I actually do something humanitarian in the end of the day, and that’s pretty much why I stayed this long. My job has a purpose, and now, no manager, no one to really be a buffer zone between researchers and everyone else to get the info we need and be a contact, and everything is now so unclear that it is scary.

I have been talking to my friends and one said, “well, isn’t it time to step up and be a project manager like you always wanted?”

No. I am scared. I am unsure and I really don’t want to be responsible for all this. Not this way.

Now I am just confused, sad, heart broken, and I really just don’t know what to do. I keep looking for jobs, but nothing yet.

I got this job 6 years ago, when really I had serious financial problems and no income in my family, and I was confused and wasn’t even looking for work and was just a summer student worker. Then the job was pretty much handed to me. And now, when I have no idea what to do and what’s going to happen to me in the next few weeks, or even days, I feel that things slowly lost all meaning and I am going to loose everything.

I seriously need a change or just a miracle. I don’t know what to do anymore. I never been more depressed in my life, and I have been depressed A LOT, but this tops them all.

Random Thoughts

Why can’t we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn’t work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos.

-Charles M. Schulz

Random Thoughts

I am currently at work and I have zero motivation to be sitting here. I am just browsing the net and reading everyone’s comments along the way. I do read everything, even from my mobile phone, but I just don’t feel like I have anything constructive to say back to everyone right now. I know there are people supporting me, and I am thankful for the private emails I have received too. I also know there are people who wish that they knew me in real life and hopefully can hear my pain better than reading it. I don’t even like writing half the crap I have written on my site for the past 28 months of its life.

Most of my writings have been based on depression. I thought to my self, well, a shrink will cost me over $100 bucks an hour to give me advice on stuff I know, so I made a website to do that instead. I allowed people to comment and tell me how they would cope with things. How they would handle it. Best remedy is getting advice from those who probably share the same feelings as me and actually understand. I honestly don’t even re-read what I have written at all, and tend to forget the pain over time because I feel that I have written it out. It is gone out of my system and someone else heard it as well and I don’t feel as depressed anymore.

However, that hasn’t worked at all. It was all but a lie. Rebellious? What is rebellious? Rebellious because I actually made a website and I said to the world, “fuck it!” You are not better than me, and probably I am better than you and you just have not realized it yet but I am telling you. I am very arrogant at times. I support nothing, and I represent nothing on my site but my self. People need to understand one thing. I am ME. I am a human being who has a online diary. How many of you ever wanted to steal someone else’s diary when you were young? Or even now? It’s not because it is fun or you want to know one or two secrets. You are doing it because you know that someone else may be suffering as much as you, and they had the guts to write it out. Do you?

Can you say I am depressed? Yes.
Do I cope with depression well at all? No.
Do I handle stress very well? No.
Do I usually cry for no reason? Yes.

What really makes me more depressed is how others react to it. Some people are logical and pretty understanding and try to help, and others well… What happens when you have two people on the opposite side of the spectrum and are only joined at one spot? And that spot is the one that brakes everything apart?

Great times I am living right now. I didn’t sleep at all last night. I tried. I even listened to my friend for not taking sleeping pills and trying to just sleep on my own. Did not work. Did not sleep at all and my head is pounding like it was struck by a sledge hammer. I think I need an extra dosage of something. Prozac? Zantac? What’s the -ac for anyways? Some Latin syllable? I would look it up, but if I did, then I would have to write about what it REALLY means, and I honestly don’t give a shit right now. Maybe it means PAIN KILLER! How can you kill pain? What if your entire body, mind, and soul is in pain? Does that mean you would totally be killed by such atrocities? I say no to drugs. No to shrinks. No to everything! I will just write, and I will just listen until I figure out if I want to just pack up everything in my life, put it in a box, throw it out, or just keep staring at it for the rest of my life until it rots.

Depressed, Random Thoughts