I think it was at age 19 when I realized that I don’t want children of my own. I really don’t. At times I wonder if I ever had kids, would they end up looking at me? That’s the only reason I would EVER want one. Other times, well, I just can’t stand being around them. I think they are only cute because they are children. However, they do have an evil cute addicting smile and giggle, but I learned to not be weak in their presence. They are cute for 5 minute, and the other 23 hours and 55 minutes they are annoying as hell!

Why do I think this way? I think it has to do with my sister being so much younger than me. 14.5 years younger than me. I call her my replacement. I keep telling my mom that she got a second chance to raise a well behaved perfect child that she can control. I turned out really bad according to my mother. She keeps saying this to me, “you are hopeless!” What she really meant, “you are 27 years old.. SETTLE down and find a husband!” (That’s what my dad said right after she said that, because my dad is not only blunt, he is a MIND READER! Like I didn’t really understand what she meant the first time.) :bored:

Well, my sister is no angel. She is not even perfect or exactly what my mom wanted. She has to scream at her 10 times within a 2 minute interval to just clean her room. My sister says, “why do I have to clean it? I don’t want to!” Then my mom would say, “all you care about is expensive brand name clothes.. where will you put all these clothes if your room is garbage!”

Oh the smile on my face when my mom fights my sister. It’s like the chirping sound of a nightingale in my ears. Perfect child? A well behaved better child as my mom wanted, NOP! She did it wrong the first time (as she thinks), and the second time is a LOT worse! I didn’t start talking back to my mom till I was about 20. I think that’s when my head got larger than life and thought to my self one day, “I HAD ENOUGH!” Too bad my sister’s generation is 10 years ahead cause it is quite FUNNY to me, her behavior and big mouth that is.

My sister was cute. She was adorable. She was so behaved when she was little that I would carry her with a smile!

Then, there came another girl. My cutest most adorable niece. I even say how adorable she is in front of my sister and the first thing she asks me, “wasn’t I cute when I was a baby too?” In the back of my head I think, “yes.. she was CUTE and sweet and quiet child.” However, I just tell my sister, “nah.. this one is WAY cuter!” It does the trick of pissing her off and then she whines and complains that I don’t like her. Kids.

Well, cuteness is just a masque in children. Cute is just the way a person looks. People think I am cute. No? I think I am cute but doesn’t mean I am AWESOME or PERFECT or ADORABLE or SWEET. No. It’s just a masque. It really is. I thought I had enough of my sister’s childish behavior and craziness. I really thought it was over. NO! NO! NO! My niece is 100 times worse. She is the most hyperactive child I ever seen. I had to baby sit her yesterday for 2 hours, and those 2 hours were a work out! She is a bit over 9 months old now, she crawl, she screams, and scratches. Just like a cat. I call her my kitten. CAUSE SHE IS ONE! When she sees me, she laughs really loud and screams, then she crawls really fast towards me, and then wants to stand up and climb to reach my face. My face. Oh my face. Those nails. Dear GOD why do her nails grow faster than mine ever did!? Revenge I tell. REVENGE of her looking like me. A lot of people think she is my daughter because the resemblance is uncanny! She looks more like me than my sister ever did.

Not only that, my niece talks back. I say, “Bah!”, she replies back with a smirk on her face and says, “BAAAAAAAAAH!!!!” One times she screamed it in my ear and I fell on the ground from the loud ringing in my ear. The child is mad I tell you, MAD with anger and rage and LOUDNESS!

The more I stay away from those rug rats, the more they keep crawling back. It’s like I am a lovable disease! They love to scream at me. They love to scratch me. They love to talk back. Why would any sane person want children?

Anyways, who cares about them. Looking back at the way I was, I think to my self that I was adorable, behaved and my mom should REGRET ever saying, “I turned out bad!” WHATEVER..

Blah Blah, Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!

It has been 30 months since the birth of my blog. I thought about it the other day and wondered how in the world did this last? I seldom ever have a hobby that grabs my attention for so long. They were more of impulses and sudden interests that lasted a few days or weeks, and that’s it. I always needed a change and I just moved on. However, why blogging? Why this blog?

Why did I keep this blog alive although it caused so many personal problems? Why did I keep it when I knew that I had some people hating me for having it and wondering when will I stop? I think the reason I kept it going is simply because the more someone told me to stop, then the more I wanted to continue with it. Some people couldn’t believe what I wrote about them. (I mean really, I got a personal blog, of course I am going to write about the people around me.) Some can’t even understand why I think the way I do. Some can’t even imagine me ever being like this in real life.

So why this long? Really? 30 months is a lot. I know a lot of famous bloggers have been doing this for years, and their blogs have been the only voice they can speak freely about their life, and … well … I think this blog was my retaliation to everything that I couldn’t say out loud. I couldn’t tell others what I really thought. It was my scapegoat from reality.

A lot of people ask me about the validity about what I have written too. Is it the truth? A million times I have to repeat this, I honestly don’t want to spend my time writing a fictional post and making it all colourful like other bloggers I know, because I have better things to do! Blog is a journal. This is my journal.

Do I ever regret making this blog? Yes. I am just sick of the daily emails from guys looking for porn and want my phone number.

Do I ever regret telling people I know about it? Yes. I am sick of people I know speaking to me about something that I KNOW I never told them about, and they just bring it into a conversation thinking I wouldn’t notice or that I mentioned it before to them and they want a way to “comment.”

Do I ever regret keeping this site for so long? Yes. The longer I kept it alive, the more history there was to read.

Will I ever stop? Someday.

I am just not happy with what I have done. This blog is/was the most impulsive decision that I have ever done, and it continued on for two reasons.

1. I had to tell people off and I couldn’t do it anymore to their face or by email. I thought of it as their well deserved free publicity.
2. There are so many things that bother me in the world, especially about being an Arab, and I wanted to know that I am not the only one with these thoughts.

I didn’t blog yesterday because I wanted to stop. I really did. I wanted to see how it was if I didn’t blog. Would it have made a difference to my daily life? Did I miss it? Will I ever miss it?

Time will only tell …

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Until then, the rebellion has to continue… for the sake of … ? me I guess …

Blah Blah, Categorize this!, Ranting as usual!

I was browsing around for new wordpress blog plugins, and I was reading those plugin developer’s FAQ and blog entries as well just to get some answers. One person’s blog post caught my eye. I don’t want to link to it on my blog because I can’t even fathom that there are human being out there that are so racist, that it makes my dislike of Arab mentality and constant rants seem so modest.

So this guy’s site has plugins and themes. One common theme really that many many many many many many people USE. I think it is part of the theme package if you use the free wordpress.com site for your site. So the guy wrote a blog post to clarify to his visitor’s ranting and constant complaints that he had NO association with Islamic sites that use his template. That he is not part of any terrorist or extremist group and his theme doesn’t support them.

I read it and though, :wtf: do people ask or assume? Holy fuck, and I mean it. FUCK! I was in shock when I read that. Some random blogger who happens to be Muslims and talks about them selves and Islam on their personal site cannot USE a FREE THEME? And the theme creator is being attacked cause of it? Has the world gone mad! MAD MAD! Fuck man. I am so sick of the internet cause of this shit. All these ideas and hate towards us that the media has brain washed into people’s minds.

Jeez, since I am Muslim and Arab, I am automatically thought of as a terrorist. I wonder what people will really think when they realize I am Palestenian too. Oh wait, EVERYONE knows! If YOU think that is a problem, then leave my site! I don’t like you, and I may even hate you!

Angry, Ranting as usual!, They said what?

My life is completely messed up. Seriously.. why do guys fall in love with me that I end up not wanting? I can’t force my self to like someone just like that. I suffered enough in my life that I don’t give second chances at ALL! It doesn’t work that way. It’s an emotional bond between two people. Two.. NOT ONE! There is no “I” in TEAM!

I found this quote a while ago about one sided love:

“I can’t choose who I’m gonna love, but I also can’t just love who chooses to love me…and you can’t blame me in choosing to love you as much as I can’t blame you for not learning to love me.”

Really… “the damage is done, so I guess I will be leaving.”

P.S. yes I am mean!

Angry, Blah Blah, They said what?

I don’t know why right now I feel sad and depressed. I just feel empty inside. I really do. I feel that life is just moving so slow in an unknown direction that I really don’t look forward to anything anymore. I keep saying what’s the point?

Every time something semi-exciting happens in my life I feel that it is too much. It will not last and just a temporary feeling. It turns out that way really. Nothing good comes out of it and just a waste of time. I feel that everyone has moved on with their life. Everyone is doing exciting new things and having a good time, and I am stuck. The more I try to change or do something different, nothing comes out of it. No results.

Examples. I can’t get a guy to like me for who I am. They always question my personality and actions and what I say. That’s what I really can’t stand about guys. Why some guys question every word that I ever said. I say a lot of shit, so do they. Why is it ok for them to say or do whatever they please, and I can’t?

Then there is work. I go to work every day wishing it was my last day. I keep hoping I get a phone call or a magic email that says, “Mona, you want to come work for us?” That didn’t happen, and I think it will never happen. Not with my luck.

I feel so unlucky in my life. Love life sucks. Work life sucks. What’s left? Personal life is mediocre. I don’t know. I just want to sleep tonight, wake up tomorrow with a new life. Wouldn’t that be ideal?

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts