Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

A few weeks ago we were forced to move at work to two small offices. We were given 1/3 of the space that we used to have. Each room is a bit smaller than my bedroom. Anyways, we were supposedly a group of programmers who are meant to work in one room together on various projects. However, the split ended up really bad. Horribly bad. It became more evident as my ex-boss left and we were bestowed with another manager who doesn’t understand what management means.

I haven’t been doing any work. Does my idiotic new manager care? Last time I saw him was sometimes last week. He was asking for something. Well, does he even know or bother to ask about our work? Nop. And I am not going to even tell him. Till this day I refuse to go to his office or even talk to him unless he addresses me and comes upstairs him self. I don’t have time to play suck up. I hate him so much because he took my position. He is supposedly more qualified for a position he never applied for. That’s what happened 2 months ago. Although I didn’t want to talk about it till I left this place, but I decided to do so anyways. It seems I am cursed to stay here till I die! So, he was hired without anyone’s knowledge because he was best friends with the manager of the place. Although I officially applied for the position stating the obvious that I have been here 6 years, and I can do it! However, NO! I work in a high school. Not the administration of a high school, but a group of teenagers and I am not part of the clique! How can a manager be hired with no interview or notification? After what happened and my utter devastation of the injustice of this horrible place that I work in, I decided to give the guy a chance. I watched his every move. Saw how he conducted “management,” and so far, nothing. Nothing that impressed me or made me say, “he is not a bad leader.”

So my head grew bigger and I became hateful of this place. So hateful, that I cannot even stand my co-workers that much either. Although they didn’t do anything, I just refuse to even look at them sometimes or talk to them. It’s not like they care, and the split is so obvious that I feel that I work in a separate group that constitutes me and them. It got to the point where I don’t want to even have lunch with them anymore because I can’t stand listening to their stories or be around them. I just quit caring. I have been at this job for too long and my departure is long over due.

However, what can I do? My sanity has been maintained by seeing my ex-boss every week and having some hope that I can leave this horrible place too. Yet, that hasn’t worked out and most of the jobs that I applied for and interviewed for I was told I was overqualified after. What am I to do? Overqualified? That’s how bad my life has gotten. I cannot even manage to get a simple technology/software job. I am overqualified!

I think I am even over qualified to have a blog. Maybe I should have my own sitcom. My life surely made me crazy and people need to be amused by the comedic drama.

The human heart is very weak. I noticed that a lot from various types of people. People cannot handle difficult situations very well. I know. I am the queen that holds that title. Yet, I learned the hard way to not act irrationally or try to end a difficult unpleasant situation by doing something completely unjustifiable. I remember one day, hmm, about 6 years ago, I was very pissed. I was completely pissed and depressed that I couldn’t handle it. So I bought a pack of cigarettes. I tried to light one and I inhaled and I just fell off my chair coughing violently. I threw it out and threw out the pack. I thought to my self why the fuck would anyone do this to them self? It’s purely disgusting. Worse than kissing a smoker. Aghhh!!

I learned my lesson then. Don’t do anything stupid when you are pissed. Hitting your head against the wall is less damaging than inhaling toxic fumes.

That was my absurd reaction, but was it?

I know people who have done worse things. Worse reactions to situations that they cannot handle. One of them is desperately finding a mate. By mate I don’t mean an immediate satisfaction by having a new girlfriend/boyfriend. No. It is an instant need of a marriage partner. That I never understood. That’s actually worse than breaking up with someone.

I know many people who went through that route to “get over” someone or to “prove” to them selves and everyone they are desirable by someone else. On the contrary, they are not. They just want “anything” and are satisfied by anything. Due to their ill judgment and need to be loved by “someone” so badly, the result is seldom gratifying. It is usually worse than the first time, a lot worse.

However, I don’t feel bad for those people. I pity them for making such decisions. It’s usually a decision influenced by their family members and friends. “Get over him/her and prove to them you are better and you can find someone else so quickly. Unlike him/her.” Typical reaction.

Try taking time to your self to figure out what you really want from life and what type of person you want to love and love you back.

Why I was never put in this situation? Although I was told numerous time to get over it and just find someone else, but yah.. and? My problem is that I mentally cannot stand it anymore. I don’t want anyone, and the need to find someone else ever so quickly doesn’t cross my mind. I tried it before. I wasn’t satisfying my self when I did that. I was only satisfying the situation. It just doesn’t work that way. It’s not as easy as just packing up everything in a suitcase and moving to another unfamiliar place and excepting to just “fit in” and life would just return to normal. It doesn’t work that way. It never does.

Each of us has their own way of dealing with any difficult situation. Some of us don’t know what to do and rely on others to guide us. However, how do they know what we are really feeling to give us such advice? I give advice to people sometimes, but I just end up saying, “do what you want. It’s your life. No one else’s.”