I confess, I am not who I am. Did you expect something different?

As hours pass by I just spend it thinking and thinking; as a result, my head ends up spinning in a million directions. I woke up this morning from my 3 or 4 hours of sleep with nauseating pain in my chest and head. I don’t know what is wrong with me and how I ended up this way. Why did I end up this way? I don’t ever want to discuss my real problems on my blog and I never will. Yet, I hit the surface on many of them and discuss the ones that I feel the time is appropriate for me to talk about them.

I ask my self these constant questions which many of you pretty much ask your self or even asked me about; who am I? Some of you even hate my guts and still come back, subscribe to my Twitter or RSS or email subscriptions.

But why?

I then keep reading my latest blog posts and guest posts and some of my controversial posts and wonder, why? I keep asking my self what have I done and why is everyone so interested? I wouldn’t be interested in me, and pretty much I would hate half the crap I have written here and never come back. However, I wrote it and I published it. I wrote how I felt as a person. Sometimes about the most mundane issues that make me question why? Many times people email me thanking me that I had the courage to speak out. Am I speaking out? What am I speaking out against? Me being an Arab? Me being a girl? Or just life in general?

As time flew, my writing changed dramatically. I became more of a curious real life diary that people are expecting to read every day. I don’t even want people to read it sometimes. Yet, I feel there are great expectations that I have to live up to.

Great expectations?

The past few days I have been getting many emails with so many questions about me, suggestions and self help tips, yet, the most obscure emails where the ones that said that I am not what they expected. What did you expect? What am I giving to people that they expect in return? A funny post? A rebellious political or religious post? Some post that defies the norm and so shocking? I am not writing for you or anyone. I am just writing. I had no other way left. I don’t do this for entertainment purposes. If my intention was to write about how I felt and about my life for entertainment purposes then I would come up with better content, but I am not a comedian. Dark and sarcastic, yes; comedic, no.

Do I care what you think?

I have been noticing a very negative view point from Arabs towards me. Yes, I am not perfect. Yes, I loved once and twice and three times. Is that a crime? I am not 100% religious but I don’t do anything that defies religion either. I don’t like being an Arab sometimes because I don’t agree with the Arab mentality that I find so repulsive.

Why?

I think that I did it for my self. I could have easily made it a simple diary blog with no people interaction what so ever. I have been doing that lately. Closing comments on certain posts because it is not necessary for me to read a comment by some stranger about how he/she thinks I am messed up or the most famous line, “your not the only one, so what?”

So what?

I didn’t plea for people’s help. I don’t mind the feedback, but I didn’t ASK for it. Also, don’t expect that I am writing for an “audience.” If I was, then I would be writing a fictional entertaining blog about how awesome it is being an Arab. I would take all the things that I think are negative, and leave the world with the 1% which is funny. Yes, we are funny people.

Am I like this in real life? What I am really portraying?

Remember this is a diary. A personal diary. I have one focus and that’s telling a story about me. Something I can’t do in real life. I am a good writer, and I express my self very well. In real life, I am the same in everything except expressing my self. I hide in real life. I am quiet. I really don’t talk much but if I do I am very defensive and I retaliate quickly. I don’t think when I talk. Not in a bad way at all. I am just honest if I don’t agree with something. I will not be fake about it and “satisfy” people with the proper answer.

Satisfaction not guaranteed.

I have no need to satisfy people. Would they satisfy me if I did? No. This is reality. This is life and people. Yet, people chose to read it. I wouldn’t personally read it. I don’t find it entertaining but heart breaking. Why would I read something like that? Yes, that’s the written part of me. Many people have things written about them, yet I chose to write about me. However, reading people’s opinions about me was devastating, yet, I chose to accept it. I chose to publish it to show the world what everyone else thought of me.

I confess, I am not who I am. Did you expect something different?

Depressed, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!