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June 14, 2008 @ 8:38 pm | 9 comments

I confess, I am not who I am. Did you expect something different?

By: Mona
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As hours pass by I just spend it thinking and thinking; as a result, my head ends up spinning in a million directions. I woke up this morning from my 3 or 4 hours of sleep with nauseating pain in my chest and head. I don’t know what is wrong with me and how I ended up this way. Why did I end up this way? I don’t ever want to discuss my real problems on my blog and I never will. Yet, I hit the surface on many of them and discuss the ones that I feel the time is appropriate for me to talk about them.

I ask my self these constant questions which many of you pretty much ask your self or even asked me about; who am I? Some of you even hate my guts and still come back, subscribe to my Twitter or RSS or email subscriptions.

But why?

I then keep reading my latest blog posts and guest posts and some of my controversial posts and wonder, why? I keep asking my self what have I done and why is everyone so interested? I wouldn’t be interested in me, and pretty much I would hate half the crap I have written here and never come back. However, I wrote it and I published it. I wrote how I felt as a person. Sometimes about the most mundane issues that make me question why? Many times people email me thanking me that I had the courage to speak out. Am I speaking out? What am I speaking out against? Me being an Arab? Me being a girl? Or just life in general?

As time flew, my writing changed dramatically. I became more of a curious real life diary that people are expecting to read every day. I don’t even want people to read it sometimes. Yet, I feel there are great expectations that I have to live up to.

Great expectations?

The past few days I have been getting many emails with so many questions about me, suggestions and self help tips, yet, the most obscure emails where the ones that said that I am not what they expected. What did you expect? What am I giving to people that they expect in return? A funny post? A rebellious political or religious post? Some post that defies the norm and so shocking? I am not writing for you or anyone. I am just writing. I had no other way left. I don’t do this for entertainment purposes. If my intention was to write about how I felt and about my life for entertainment purposes then I would come up with better content, but I am not a comedian. Dark and sarcastic, yes; comedic, no.

Do I care what you think?

I have been noticing a very negative view point from Arabs towards me. Yes, I am not perfect. Yes, I loved once and twice and three times. Is that a crime? I am not 100% religious but I don’t do anything that defies religion either. I don’t like being an Arab sometimes because I don’t agree with the Arab mentality that I find so repulsive.

Why?

I think that I did it for my self. I could have easily made it a simple diary blog with no people interaction what so ever. I have been doing that lately. Closing comments on certain posts because it is not necessary for me to read a comment by some stranger about how he/she thinks I am messed up or the most famous line, “your not the only one, so what?”

So what?

I didn’t plea for people’s help. I don’t mind the feedback, but I didn’t ASK for it. Also, don’t expect that I am writing for an “audience.” If I was, then I would be writing a fictional entertaining blog about how awesome it is being an Arab. I would take all the things that I think are negative, and leave the world with the 1% which is funny. Yes, we are funny people.

Am I like this in real life? What I am really portraying?

Remember this is a diary. A personal diary. I have one focus and that’s telling a story about me. Something I can’t do in real life. I am a good writer, and I express my self very well. In real life, I am the same in everything except expressing my self. I hide in real life. I am quiet. I really don’t talk much but if I do I am very defensive and I retaliate quickly. I don’t think when I talk. Not in a bad way at all. I am just honest if I don’t agree with something. I will not be fake about it and “satisfy” people with the proper answer.

Satisfaction not guaranteed.

I have no need to satisfy people. Would they satisfy me if I did? No. This is reality. This is life and people. Yet, people chose to read it. I wouldn’t personally read it. I don’t find it entertaining but heart breaking. Why would I read something like that? Yes, that’s the written part of me. Many people have things written about them, yet I chose to write about me. However, reading people’s opinions about me was devastating, yet, I chose to accept it. I chose to publish it to show the world what everyone else thought of me.

I confess, I am not who I am. Did you expect something different?

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Depressed, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!

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Comments (9) Trackbacks (0)
  1. Lee Doyle
    June 14th, 2008 at 20:57 | #1
    Reply | Quote

    This post reminds me of the Eminem song “The way i am”

  2. Mona
    June 14th, 2008 at 21:10 | #2
    Reply | Quote

    Or Timbaland’s, “The Way I Are.”

  3. Eric
    June 14th, 2008 at 21:36 | #3
    Reply | Quote

    You know what? You are one kick ass writer. I think you just come across as being REAL – and that is something sorely lacking in the blogosphere.

  4. Mona
    June 14th, 2008 at 21:52 | #4
    Reply | Quote

    Thank you. Much appreciated.

  5. Markus
    June 14th, 2008 at 22:10 | #5
    Reply | Quote

    You can write down a lot of things others even can’t think about properly and I guess this is why we / they are reading your blog / diary.

    Next to this, your diary is probably one of the most personal blogs on the internet. Even if you’re not who you are. :grin:

  6. mama’s losin’ it
    June 15th, 2008 at 00:53 | #6
    Reply | Quote

    I haven’t spent much time reading your posts, but now I’m intrigued. I don’t know what it is people would not like about you. You sound real and genuine…qualities I find lacking in most others.

  7. Danny
    June 15th, 2008 at 19:56 | #7
    Reply | Quote

    Keeping it real , so hard to find in this plastic society we live in. You are different that is why your site is successful. :sweat:

  8. Moey Halawaty
    June 16th, 2008 at 16:12 | #8
    Reply | Quote

    I don’t think I expected more at all. Yes, I am fully aware that this is a personal diary, and yes its in my RSS feeds, because I always want to check whats up with you. Your blog has the daily dose of ranting I need.

    You always have your own point of view about everything, you pretty much don’t like a lot of stuff, you never conform. You’re rebellious, and I take that dose of rebellion to push my tiny inner rebel to do something different.

    I like the realistic nature of your posts, and thats why I (and many others) come back. Keep it real and keep going, write your diary and don’t give a damn about anything or anyone.

  9. Sapphire
    June 16th, 2008 at 20:54 | #9
    Reply | Quote

    I like your style of writing and your blog and yes you do express feelings that many of us are thinking but don’t openly express. I read your blog even when some of your posts are dark and depressing. That is life. It is not all sunshine and lollipops. I read your recent post about taking a break from blogging. It couldn’t hurt. Everyone needs a break once in while but don’t take too long coming back ok. :smile:

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