As I sat there reading his emails, one after the other I realized that my past life is over. Every time I read one, and saw what my reply was, I thought to my self that the way I wrote to him was the same as I wrote on my blog. Same style and assertive tone. I wasn’t mean. I only became mean in the end. The last few emails and my blog ideology were identical.

I always wondered why I was such an expressive writer. It’s because of all the emails. People who know me in person know that I communicate mostly via writing such as: emails, text messages, and chat. In the final year that I knew him, the only communication that we had was through email or text messages. He didn’t want to talk to me, or see me, but he used email to show his true colours. The colours were a bit faded, but I increased the contrast to see better. I really did.

I pity my self till this day that I used this blog as revenge. Revenge to not only him, but anyone that bothered me. I made it public, and I couldn’t stop. I couldn’t end what I started, and I let it be the tool to end everything. I had to end it. No other method worked. I wanted to end it by hate. It was the only way that I could think of. I became heartless towards him and made him hate me and hate everyone around me. I knew he was weak, and those who are weak are easily manipulated and believe anything you say. He believed it. I ended it.

I spent all day reading, and all day deleting. That’s all I did.

Sleepy Post, They said what?

As hours pass by I just spend it thinking and thinking; as a result, my head ends up spinning in a million directions. I woke up this morning from my 3 or 4 hours of sleep with nauseating pain in my chest and head. I don’t know what is wrong with me and how I ended up this way. Why did I end up this way? I don’t ever want to discuss my real problems on my blog and I never will. Yet, I hit the surface on many of them and discuss the ones that I feel the time is appropriate for me to talk about them.

I ask my self these constant questions which many of you pretty much ask your self or even asked me about; who am I? Some of you even hate my guts and still come back, subscribe to my Twitter or RSS or email subscriptions.

But why?

I then keep reading my latest blog posts and guest posts and some of my controversial posts and wonder, why? I keep asking my self what have I done and why is everyone so interested? I wouldn’t be interested in me, and pretty much I would hate half the crap I have written here and never come back. However, I wrote it and I published it. I wrote how I felt as a person. Sometimes about the most mundane issues that make me question why? Many times people email me thanking me that I had the courage to speak out. Am I speaking out? What am I speaking out against? Me being an Arab? Me being a girl? Or just life in general?

As time flew, my writing changed dramatically. I became more of a curious real life diary that people are expecting to read every day. I don’t even want people to read it sometimes. Yet, I feel there are great expectations that I have to live up to.

Great expectations?

The past few days I have been getting many emails with so many questions about me, suggestions and self help tips, yet, the most obscure emails where the ones that said that I am not what they expected. What did you expect? What am I giving to people that they expect in return? A funny post? A rebellious political or religious post? Some post that defies the norm and so shocking? I am not writing for you or anyone. I am just writing. I had no other way left. I don’t do this for entertainment purposes. If my intention was to write about how I felt and about my life for entertainment purposes then I would come up with better content, but I am not a comedian. Dark and sarcastic, yes; comedic, no.

Do I care what you think?

I have been noticing a very negative view point from Arabs towards me. Yes, I am not perfect. Yes, I loved once and twice and three times. Is that a crime? I am not 100% religious but I don’t do anything that defies religion either. I don’t like being an Arab sometimes because I don’t agree with the Arab mentality that I find so repulsive.

Why?

I think that I did it for my self. I could have easily made it a simple diary blog with no people interaction what so ever. I have been doing that lately. Closing comments on certain posts because it is not necessary for me to read a comment by some stranger about how he/she thinks I am messed up or the most famous line, “your not the only one, so what?”

So what?

I didn’t plea for people’s help. I don’t mind the feedback, but I didn’t ASK for it. Also, don’t expect that I am writing for an “audience.” If I was, then I would be writing a fictional entertaining blog about how awesome it is being an Arab. I would take all the things that I think are negative, and leave the world with the 1% which is funny. Yes, we are funny people.

Am I like this in real life? What I am really portraying?

Remember this is a diary. A personal diary. I have one focus and that’s telling a story about me. Something I can’t do in real life. I am a good writer, and I express my self very well. In real life, I am the same in everything except expressing my self. I hide in real life. I am quiet. I really don’t talk much but if I do I am very defensive and I retaliate quickly. I don’t think when I talk. Not in a bad way at all. I am just honest if I don’t agree with something. I will not be fake about it and “satisfy” people with the proper answer.

Satisfaction not guaranteed.

I have no need to satisfy people. Would they satisfy me if I did? No. This is reality. This is life and people. Yet, people chose to read it. I wouldn’t personally read it. I don’t find it entertaining but heart breaking. Why would I read something like that? Yes, that’s the written part of me. Many people have things written about them, yet I chose to write about me. However, reading people’s opinions about me was devastating, yet, I chose to accept it. I chose to publish it to show the world what everyone else thought of me.

I confess, I am not who I am. Did you expect something different?

Depressed, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!

It’s Friday night, and I am sitting here pondering the reason why I am still here. I really am. I don’t know what my purpose is anymore. What is the purpose of my existence?

My problem growing up that I was always surrounded by negative energy that it made my life miserable. I couldn’t handle it. I didn’t know how to react. I just sit there and wonder, why me?

Doesn’t anyone think like that? Or perhaps like me?

At times I wonder who would care to miss me? Am I worth the remembrance? Did I do anything in my life worth remembering? And if I didn’t, what can I do?

My life has become really closed. Nothing is working to my advantage and I just sit there day dreaming all day. However, I just end up more miserable and crying. I think I suffer from uncontrollable emotions that are causing me physical harm. I have been waking up in the middle of the night with short breaths and rapid heartbeats. It’s like I woke up from a nightmare but I can’t remember anything. Also the lack of sleep is killing me.

I keep asking my self. If I sleep, what do I gain? Nothing.

If I don’t sleep I can avoid the nightmares and the physical pain that I have been suffering from.

It has gotten to that point in my life where I don’t care if it is a week day or weekend or any day of the week. It is all the same. Every day is pointless and I am not moving forward.

The reason I keep writing on my blog is to get some feedback from other human beings. To feel that I am not alone in this world and someone does care. That I am alive.

Depressed

This is a guest post by one of my loyal readers: Lee Doyle. He is from Bristol, England and has a very controversial and honest blog as well.

———–

Everyone loves the “bay boy” image from the movies and who cannot forget the image Sandy had in the ending of Grease… Well this is how I see Mona in the blogging world. She is not afraid to speak her mind and will tell you if she does not like you… But she also has a softer side which we never get to see much.

You sometimes see glimpses of it in her posts from time to time… She reminds me of a rebellious teenager a lot. she moans about her mother and sister and uses the word “Hate” a lot… when she does not mean it.

Of course I do not know Mona in person (At all) so most if this is just what I gather from the few moments I get to read about her life and thoughts. She reminds me of myself in some ways, she loves to complain about anything… She loves to win every argument and will never give up even when she knows she is wrong… She is passionate about her interests and heritage, and she loves to have something to moan about (or will find something if nothing comes to mind).

People like Mona are only ever happy when they have done their fighting for the day, and can look back on their conquests and relive the key moments. This is a great thing but most people will see it as bad thing… But the world needs honest people who never give up even when defeat is staring them in the face.

One day you will read about how much Mona despises her sister or mother, the next week she let out how much she looks up to her mother and how she tries to bond with her sister… But loves to wind her up because she feels it is best for her to do and say these things so she does not turn out like her… I know this feeling myself.

One thing you never hear Mona mention is her Father… I do not know if this is because of something bad or she just does not get on with him… Which ever it is I am sure it is for a good reason.

We always read about how much Mona hates her job, how it is holding her in her past and forever changing in ways she hates. I always read about her ex-boss and wonder if he is seen more than just a boss in her eyes. I think this is one person she looks up to in some way (Older borther? Father she wished she had?)… I am sure it is only in a fatherly way… She confuses me with this one. Maybe it was him keeping her in her current job and now she really has had the push to leave and move on.

The one thing I see from Mona is that she has been hurt by love. When you ever see her mention her ex she will always mention him in a bad light and the normal “I hope he is unhappy”. This shows that she is still very much hurt and is not fully over him, but would never trust him again (I hope). She wants to find love but has a lot of commitments and pressures from her family and beliefs. You can see it in her posts that she hates being alone and has so many friends getting married and she is getting left behind.

She will not settle for second best, and does not want to marry for any reason apart from real love… But she wants love now… And she thinks she is getting older and older and still stuck in her teenage life and living at home and fighting with her sister.

I know plenty of people like this, and they all feel the same… She will hate me saying that she fits into categories but she mostly does… Is this a real bad thing? My guess is she would love to lead a normal life… But she loves to be different and rebellious, but also would not be happy living that normal life (For long).

I hope Mona can find this guy and life she so desperately needs. the only thing I also hope is she will still give us the lovable Mona we all love to read about.

One last thing I would like to talk about is why she has so many stalkers. I think Mona secretly likes having them and she gives a little smile every time she gets a comment or email… But then that smile quickly turns to rebelus mode and she sees something she hates in these men.

Mona has many things guys look for in their dream girl. I will lost some of these:

* She is rebellious
* She is good at arguing
* She will always surprise you
* You know you will never fully control this girl
* She is into many guy things like Programming and techy things
* She is very beautiful
* She pushes guys away
* She has build lots of walls around herself that guys want to break down

The last one may be strange. Mona has a mask she likes to wear and she (I may mind) is waiting for a guy to break down these walls she has build and see the real her… most guys I think know this about most girls but see it as too much of a challenge and give up… but some see it as a good thing and are attracted to it.

She comes across as a guys girl. She loves to keep fit, loves her techy things, and programs so you know she will understand a lot of the things us men like to talk about…

One last thing I think any of these stalkers need to know is to even stand a chance with Mona you need to jump through hoops… and be good at it… You will battle for every square foot with Mona. I also think she is looking for more than just a person to email and come over to marry her… no offense.

So here is to the ever complicated Mona, may your blog forever grace my computer screens in the future.

Don’t change, we love you as you are.

They said what?, Whatever!

I woke up this morning and I was dumbfounded by the fact that it is Thursday. I thought, wasn’t Thursday like two days ago? What happened to the days? I think my stress level has gone to the extreme that at times I see my self crying for no reason and loosing track of time. I would just sit staring at nothing and my eyes start to water and I just break down and cry. I think I am loosing it, big time. At times I don’t understand what my purpose is anymore at what I am doing with my life.

It all started last week when I was rebuffed for maybe the 4th or 5th time as being “over qualified” to be considered for a normal mid level position. I think the shock of rejection for the most bazaar reasons hit me hard. It’s enough I get rejected and feel so low from everything else in life, and I was hoping that I can control one thing, which is work. But I cannot take it anymore. I don’t even ask for a high salary or expect a high salary. I just want a bit more than what I am making now. Something challenging, to be treated fairly, kept busy and to be permanent with benefits. That’s it. I keep reading my resume over and over and try to find a way to change it or dumb it down, but I couldn’t. It was very straight forward and it was what a person with over 5 years experience would normally have. I thought to my self that I was able to get the interview, but why was I repeatedly told I was over qualified during and after the interview?

Am I that ambitious that is so noticeable? I want to move up the ladder. It’s my fate. I hate being in the same spot, it got boring and I will never grow as a person. The rejection hit me hard and I am wondering what will I do now with my life. At times I feel like starting over and just find another type of job that I can start from scratch at. Not really software but something else. I am a good writer, a communicator, very creative and an internet marketer. But who hires for that? I don’t live in California or New York where e-commerce and internet marketing jobs are common.

I was told numerous times that I should consider internet to be my career. Work from home? I don’t think I want to do that anytime soon. It’s too early in my life. I enjoy waking up in the morning and going to work. I feel like I have something to look forward to. I want to experience working in companies with different types of people and learning more about how the world works and making life time friends. People who make a living off the internet are so introverted and so self centered. I don’t want to end up like that. I didn’t make this blog for the money nor to make it a world wide sensation. I don’t want the popularity and money through this. It’s risky and not stable. Blogging is fun, and that’s it.

With software development and big marketing ideas there is always that curve that everyone has to watch out for. It’s a cosine that just goes up and down, and blogging is one of them. Everyone is doing it because it was the “next big thing.” But everything that goes up, must come down. I may not be the best business person or ever will be, but the best thing to do is just keep an eye for the curve. It is exponentially growing so fast right now, and it will go down really hard and I don’t want to take a dive with it. However, I will keep my self entertained with the next big thing out there. I don’t mind. In the mean time, I have to accept the fact that looking for a job is my top priority right now and it hurts. It has been hurting me for months and just hearing the rejection for the stupidest reasons is making my days at my current work dreadful and emotionally devastating.

Depressed, Random Thoughts