Determination is what kept me sane

I told my self I wouldn’t talk about job interviews or any job hunting at all because I don’t want to discuss it. However, I have been going insane the past 3 months in trying to discover what I want and what do companies interview me for. What do I want to do with my life? I even got suggestions to go to a career councilour to try and figure out what I want to do.

I don’t need counciling, but I need time to find something that won’t drive me insane from boredom and suicidal attempts in 5 years.

Today, I went to an interview for a job that pays less than what I am getting now. However, I went in and thought, ok, there are benefits to this job in the long term, and the position is NOT programming. Will I go through with it? I was almost late to the interview. I am spatially challenged and I get confused from roads and signs and buildings really fast that I keep thinking, “shit.. I think I missed the road.” In reality, I would be thinking ahead of my self and I didn’t even reach the spot yet. So what do I end up doing? I walk, then I think, no no, then I WALK BACK! Then after crossing a block or two, I think, shit, that’s not right, and I walk back the other way. Oh God, NEVER ASK ME for directions. I am no navigator!

Anyways, we will see. I am not going to hope much for anything right now. I mean I thought about it. I get paid for sitting at a job and do nothing. Most people would die for such a job. However, I am NOT like normal people, and it sucked the LIFE out of me. For those that follow me have seen the drastic change in my writing from moderately sarcastic to completely negative! I died inside from the boredom and I felt useless. It changed my whole personality and I became this uncaring person to the point that I don’t even complete any tasks or do anything that has meaning anymore.

However, and I mean it, however, I still have a bit of determination. I determine to be something important. I think I always had this inner need to be popular and be known for something really important. I want to do something with my life and people will say, “Mona did it! She was a part of it!”

I think that bit of determination is what kept me sane till now. With all the ups and downs in my life, moving from one country to another, having numerous friends that came in and out of my life, and meeting some of those that will forever be in my heart; I learned that life needs an objective and real friends to share it with.

I haven’t set an objective yet. I haven’t even began to make a plan, but I know that I will try my best to reach that point and never give up. I will never give up as long as I have faith in my talents, have faith in people I love to always stand by my side, and a tiny bit of hope to be something important in this life and make a difference.

Anyways, to a more lighter subject, I Twittered yesterday about my crazy idea of me marrying Ramy Ayach. I got so many messages from people asking who he is or why him! :love: I am shallow and I need a target to keep my mind busy with an obsession for a while. He was a good target. Very very very good looking Lebanese man and looks like the guy I used to stalk back when I was 19/20.

This is my favorite song for him “I miss you”:

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