I do not understand Arabs!

I can empathize. I actually love it when people find out I am moving out of my parents’ home and they ask, “So, you and your fiance live together?” I love saying no, that we’re Catholic and don’t believe in that (as well as a LOT of other “normal” western stuff). I love shocking people and going against the grain. Go conservative traditions!

Hi Mona,

Recent reader and first time poster, I just thought i would reply to this post since you are talking about me.

First off let me start by again apologizing for the apparent miss understanding we had over the chat, I guess chatting is not an idea medium of communication after all. I am also sorry for not starting by making my intentions clear from the beginning, I am not looking to date you (not that I do not think you are great, it is just that I am not somewhere in my life now to date), nor am I looking to get into your pants that has never been my intention with any lady I ever met. As you know I am new to Canada and believe or not I thought it would actually be a good idea to make friends from my own culture.
I really found you interesting, and by the way I always found “interesting” to be a positive word not sure why it offended you I am really sorry for that. I loved the idea that you are using the web to say the things that otherwise you cannot say in your daily life with you family. You used it as a safe haven for your inner thought. While your blog might not reflect you 100%, I do believe it reflects that part of you that you have locked away most of the time.
I am replying to you post because I believe in you and I think you have great potential, the thing is you just need to relax and try to actively listen. Remember to talk is Silver to listen is Gold. I am really sorry i was unaware of the questions that other Arab guys have asked, and even though i didn’t ask any question about you physical relationships or your intimate love life, I apologize for all those other guys who did, that is just wrong, not because you are an Arab and a Muslim but because it is really no body’s business, the way you lead your life it totally up to you and strictly a private issue that i think should not be discussed.

Mona, you seem like a bright lady, smart woman and easy on the eyes, I do not believe you are going to be alone forever, and while the Apple analogy might make you feel better i do not think it is true, that is not to say that you are not a “Top Apple” I just think that it is a matter of time till you find that special someone who you deserve. Just have patience, I asked you about your relationships cause i felt that you where too cynical well at least for your age, I felt like you gave up on the world and started contemplating or accepting the idea that you will live the rest of your life alone, and that made me feel sad, cause you should not give up, look you have not met me and maybe you will never meet me (even though I hope we can become good friends someday) so you can take my words and throw them away or you might take a time out from the rebellion and think of them, People see you the way you see yourself, try and take a vacation from your anger, while life is difficult and tough, it also has its bright side, try to see the positive in any experience you go through and please i beg of you, take your time before you make any judgment, the worst thing you can do is judge people before you really get to know them, I would even recommend not to Judge anyone. To Judge is to be judged and I don’t know about you but I would really dislike being judged.
You say you are confused, I agree, it is great to be opinionated and to stick with your believes that means that you are a strong and smart person. But to have opinions does not mean not to hear others. Remember the quote I gave you from Clinton’s meeting “The problem of the world that everyone thinks they have the truth”. No one has the truth, Not me and not you. Listen to what others have to say you might like it, if you feel like you don’t like what they say ask and make sure you are getting it, maybe the noise in the communication is too high.
I do not see the distinction you try to make between Arabs you lived here and outside. When you talk about who is better, I do not think it is correct to make that distinction, I do not think that I am better than you are and I hope you feel the same.
Finally, for all of you out there, Ladies and gentlemen if you are alone don’t think because there is something wrong with you because it is not and don’t just give up on the world. Remember I cannot stress this enough “People See You The Way You See yourself” have confidence in tomorrow every day the sun shines on you is a good day it is one day closer to your happiness.
Mona, I am really sorry for the miss understanding, sorry if I offended you in anyway, I know you have met a lot of desperate guys over the internet and it can be confusing to know the good from the bad. It has been a pleasure and an Honor to chat with you briefly as it was. Hope we can get over this and still become friends but if not then I wish you all the luck in the world and keep the faith, tomorrow is going to be better.

Cheers.
Mohammed

I understand, I have been there, I know how it feels, but while you need to figure things on your own, I think it helps to have friends around, people who might have been through what you are going through, people who can ask you the right questions and tell you the right stories. Maybe you have all the friends you need and you don’t need to make new friends, I don’t know but if you feel that you could use another friend, someone who might have more experience than you (and yes believe me there are such people and what you are going through is not unique everybody has to go through at least once in their life) if you could use a friend who really listen, who is eager to understand and who every once in a while will give you advice even if you do not ask for it then you have my email.
That same goes for all of you out there, men or women, old or young , arabs or not, if you feel you need such a friend contact Mona and ask her for my email and I will be happy to listen.

Before I end this post, which might be my last, I want to tell you a part of my story, hopping that it might inspire you, maybe give you some answers or at the least entertain you. When I was 22 year old, I moved from Lebanon to Dubai in hopes that I will find a better job there, I started working for a small company as a computer Programmer , it was very small we were only 6 people in the company, I met a very nice Palestinian girl there she was 2 years older than me (I guess older women gets more  ) we started out as friends we had the same situation I was a Palestinian refugee from Lebanon, she was the same, I was living with my father she was the same, we shared a passion for Burger King, so months go by and out friendship starts evolving to Love (I always believe it is great to fall in Love with a friend) , we stayed together for 4 years, everything was going great for those 4 years we were happy, my financial situation was not good enough to think of starting a family but we were together and that what counts. After 4 years I finally get a break, I got hired to work for CNN in Dubai, with a decent salary after 6 month at CNN I Naturally start talking about Marriage we have been together for 4 years so if one had a problem with the other you would think it would have showed by now , anyway I discover that she is not into the idea at all, and for some reason she starts putting space between us, until one day she says that she is going on a vacation to Lebanon and she wants to go alone to give herself more time to think. I am like ok sure, a week after she goes to Lebanon, he sister chats with me on Msn and tells me that her sister is got married to their cousin who lives in the states and is divorced and has 2 kids. That night I thought the sun will not rise on me again. Nights go by and I am laying in bed thinking what is so wrong in my that she choose to marry her cousin who is divorced and has 2 kids, who could I not compare to that guy who could someone in his situation be better than me, and I start playing the tape of the relationship in my head trying to figure out where I went wrong. Till one day while driving back home from the office, I hear on the radio a French song, Loved the music but could not understand the lyrics so one my way home I take a small detour and go to the French cultural center, and register for a French course. A couple of month later I became friends with the teacher, we start going out she was new to dubai and I had a lot of time, all this time we are going out as friends until one night something happened and we kissed and that was the night that changed my life. I had the Answer to the question why did she leave me for her cousin. It was not about me, I didn’t do anything wrong, it was not about her it was not about her husband, it was the way things had to be, it was the path I had to go through to become a better person, for a while I was angry at her, I used to call her names and wish she was dead but from that moment on, I think I loved her more than when we were together. She dumping me for her cousin was the best thing that ever happened to me, it gave me the chance to meet my teacher and more importantly she gave me the answer to why, now 8 years later I am single again but I know there is someone out there for me who even though I cannot imagine now how she will make me happier than I have been with my ex I believe she will make me happier.

So again keep the faith, Love will find you and no one will be forever alone.
Cheers,
Mohammed

I think a person should never judge a big group of people on the actions done by a small portion of them, if 100 out of the 100 Arabs ( who are still living in the Arab world or new in Canada ) were really bad and with shallow mentality that doesn’t mean that the rest of the group who are lets say 1000000 should be gudged on the basis of the actions of the 100

I hope I made my point clear, as for me who lived all my life in the Arab world, I’m 100% sure that there are plenty of Arabs who are living here and never think or look to the Arabs born and lived in the west with this shallow negative view I know hundreds…. so just be optimistic

So I just want to say that this situation works both ways you know. Its not only Arab guys asking western arab girls who’d you love or sleep with before them… Arab girls also ask these silly questions too you know. And God forbid there is a conservative good arab american man in this world. But just because he’s ameriky he’s probably been around the block a few times. I feel your frustration..but its not only yours its ours too. Arab girls get mad because arab guys go back and marry a boater and bring them back here instead of the ones here and then they have to deal with fobs from over there who are all giddy that they married their “ticket” to prosperity… But from what i have seen its the arab girls here who reject them who force them to go back oversees leaving the crappy ones here. They reject them for two reasons:

1) they have a “history”…that being said.. if the community has dubbed him a sakkit then its probably the words of some jealous haters..if they dont have little arab bastards running around then leave it at history and move on. I know some really good muhtaramin guys with “history” who want to better their future..and besides ive been back oversees, they all have “history” too. Guys and girls.

2)Mahr is apparently tied to the NYSE and rises faster than oil prices.. give these guys a chance, they may not be rich and you may have to move out of the mansion and into an apartment for a while but the less he pays for mahr the more you guys have to build a future on.

There are more reasons, and im not discrediting that there are some scumbag arabs out there but there are some decent ones too and hey not all arab girls are squeeky clean either..I just went to a wedding where a mithajba girl married a white american guy..go figure, it actually made me sick to my stomach (it was also the nasty medium rare beef) to see the sight..people are crazy.

I say forget getting married.

Oh and you wanna know what arab is…its being nosey, asking too many god damn questions, befriending you feeling your situation then takling shit behind your back to their friends. And this is non-gender bias.

You have to realize that most people when they leave their home town they also leave behind their values and everything.

Given that these Arab men have finally left their “cage” and are out of sight of shame and family eyes, they think they can do whatever they want and just let loose.

I know a guy who used to tell us to go pray when we are working had on a lab, and he went to Germany and we lost count to the number of parties he goes to and the girls on his facebook and the alcohol bottles features.

You stick to who you are and stay clear from these men, and women for that matter

Salaamz,
After being an observer for a quite a tad, I decided to drop you a little note – in response to “what is an Arab?” question.
Actually, the correct Q is “Who is an Arab?” – but technical jargon aside – some scholars suggest that an Arab is “anyone who speaks Arabic and identifies with some Arab heritage” – of course we can easily argue beyond that – I mean it takes more than speaking your “Khhhhs and being born in some Arabic sounding place” to be a full fledge Arab. I believe it has to do with acknowledging, appreciating and respecting where ‘you’ or ‘your family’ come from, in addition to understanding the importance of cultural values and morals. So my dearest – I truly believe YOU are an Arab

As for Love/Marriage/Relationships – which you’ve addressed numerous times on your blog – as clichés as it may sound – but it WILL eventually come. It doesn’t ‘have’ to come, you know, only if you allow it to.
Good things take time, and as Allah says in his holy book “wa 3asa en takraho shay’an wa howa khayron lakom, wa 3asa en te7ibo shay’an wa howa sharun lakom”. I also, truly believe in that!

Chin up, cheer up, and appreciate the gift of life!

Lots of Iraqi Lovin’ from the other side of Canada
:love:

I have a friend who just moved here (the United States) from Egypt, and he asked me the same freakin questions. Because I’m Muslim, I initially took offense but realized that his perceptions about “the West” are probably highly influenced and skewed. My sister and I came to the same conclusion that instead of getting worked up, us “Western Muslims” should just be ourselves and the Arabs that come here will come to realize we’re actually decent people.

By the way, I’m really impressed by your page. I’ve been meaning to start up an online support community for Muslims interested in medicine (mainly pre-meds) living on this side of the world. I already have a couple of articles written, but I know nothing about the internet. Do you have any advice, or can you direct me to a place where I can get started? Honestly, I’m probably doing all this for myself but I desperately need a place to vent my frustrations and connect with other people in my shoes. Salaam!

Sweet! Is there a way to publicize it or increase traffic to it to promote discussions? What I originally had in mind was something like a website with a forum…but that’s a little bit above my technical savvy. There seems to be a website/forum for everything you can imagine but I haven’t seen this done before for Muslim pre-professionals in the US/Canada.

Ahlain Mona,

Here we go again! :laugh:
I think you got used to some people telling you how “smart” you are and you know so much bla bla…I think that can be dangerous and can lead to vanity somehow, because you start thinking whatever conclusions or assumptions you come up with are the correct ones.
To make my point short: you’re pissed because “some” Arab guys,(God knows how many), that you “chatted” with, have a certain perception of Arabs who were raised in the west,specifically girls, lets say. cuz I don’t think you give a shit about guys lol.Anyway, we can assume that they made these assumptions simply because they don’t know, and they made a generalization based on an “assumption”.Now , a “smart” person like you should figure that out, instead of coming back at them by saying:
“I think the problem is that I don’t understand Arabs back home. I think they are the ones that are messed up. So messed up that it makes us Arabs here wonder who is better? Who is still following the proper Arab way of life anymore?”

Does that sound smart to you?? Remember that you’re talking about a very diverse culture that has people in over 20 countries with a population of nearly 290 million souls!.Furthermore, a “smart” person should understand that the best way to deal with wrong assumptions and stereotyping a group of people is to engage in a dialog with constructive criticism instead of throwing back at them the same ignorance you accuse them with .

Be part of the solution instead being part of the problem.

Peace

do u understand ur self?!
well…
u either do that or change ur name!! :laugh:
just relax

hey,

nice topic!!!! who is an arab??? i can say someone who speaks the arabic language, shares the same culture and mindset in a community of an arab country. you were right people think, when an arab girl travels outside or studies outisde she is open to all ideas!!!. we as arabs are not superior to non-arabs, we all are bani-adam!!! what makes us intresting is our hospitality and the hardship we faced in the early times. We arabs are great travellers, from arabia to india and to spain we have reached. if u go to these countries you will find proof. we have croosed many seas and entered into new lands, and still we form biased opinions on certain people. whyyyyy??.
We, the new generration youth should destroy this stereotype and bring the world closer to us.

Assalamu alaikum.

I’m Pakistani, so perhaps I don’t understand Arab culture. Is it taboo for Arab women to have relationships with non-Arab men?

@Karim,

You can try http://www.freeforums.org/ for free forum hosting and http://pbwiki.com/ for free wiki hosting. I’m not affiliated with either, I have just used them in the past.

hi all,

Just relax girl,and don”t make big deal.now you are making west have no problem with the issues you said and we Arab do.Well i agree about some points,but the guy apologized and explained everything.So relax please,what do you want him to do more than he already did ?
Or maybe as he said,you can”t say what you said here to your family and discuss this with them,so here behind the screen you can say whatever you want !

No more talk please,and be wise ppl

Best Wishes