I think we have two fears in life: fear of death, and fear of dreams. I don’t mean hopes and aspirations, on the contrary, I meant real dreams. That other realm and other life we inevitably live in every day. We do live in our dreams and have a separate life. We spend one third of our life sleeping and dreaming. That’s just the way us humans were created.

Dreams come true. Without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them.
- John Updike

But why dreams? I mean we already suffer in this life while we are awake, why have dreams then? What do they mean?

I dream really bazaar dreams. Things that I would never in my life imagine, and I tend to be a creative imaginative person in real life. I think my dreams are at another level of unbelievability. However, my dreams lately have had a common theme. I am always a watcher. I always stand there and see other’s actions and not do anything about it. No matter how wrong the other person is, I just sit there and watch.

What does it mean? Am I becoming that person in real life? I think I am. I just watch, and that’s it. I see people doing things wrong or acting in a foolish manner and I just sit quietly and watch. Is it that I don’t care, or I am helpless?

I don’t know, I just can’t imagine my self being that way, or maybe I am and I am just in denial. Maybe I don’t care about anyone at all anymore and my dreams are a reflection of that.

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, They said what?

You know when you have this need to explain things in extreme terms; it’s either this or that? I don’t understand why life has to be that way. I used to be that way. I used to be the either black or white person in thinking. I saw life that way, and I agreed with it because it was safe. Anything beyond those two spectrums was deemed wrong and unconventional. Was it wrong? Was I wrong? I think I was, and that’s why I changed. I forced my self to change and I became who I am today.

What exactly I am talking about? Life as an Arab Muslim girl. I think I stuck together too many adjectives there. I didn’t add the Palestenian part, well, maybe because in the end, I am just Arab. I tried so much to keep classifying my self to different categories just to be different. In the end, what will people call me? I don’t know. What do I want people to call me? I don’t know. I guess I am not the judge of that.

I think when people see that I am Arab and Muslim they assume two things, I am either conservative or extremely liberal. It depends on where I live, and since I live in the western world and I adjusted to life here, then I must be extremely liberal because I accepted it. I am neither. I removed the neither. However, the past few days I been just trying to remember who I am. I try so hard. I think living in the western world has given me constant questionings of who I am. I came young. Too young that I lived through so many phases. Around age of 14 or 15, I forgot how to speak Arabic. I didn’t speak it at all because I had no one to speak it with. I forgot Arabic completely. I didn’t forget my religion though. Religion is not easy to forget. Religion is mostly actions and the way one is raised. I can speak Arabic now since the age of 20/21, and still read because I keep reading and practicing.

I don’t know. I tell my self that all the time, why did I purposely forget who I am? I was distant from Arabs and Arabic culture and who I was supposed to be. Then I moved to Canada when I was 16 from USA to a city where there were more than 4 or 5 other people who were Arabs, but 100’s. When I first arrived here in high school, Arabs didn’t want to talk to me. They didn’t want to be friends with me, and I didn’t know why. So I ignored it and just went on with life because it wasn’t important to me, and I didn’t question it. However, when I was 18, and the number of Arabs increased in my high school, some wanted to talk to me. I was in the end Arab to them.

I wasn’t like them though. I was neither conservative, or liberal. I didn’t care about anything even though I did like being an Arab. I even had a guy I liked who was Arab at that age that I was constantly talking to and seeing. For me, life was normal and I didn’t care. However, others saw it as a negative thing. Saw me as the Arab girl who didn’t speak Arabic at all and fluent in English like she was born here, and didn’t care about other Arabs.

So I forced my self to change. Maybe I should act like the rest, and be accepted by my people. So I changed to be liked. I changed who I was and I became what others wanted to me to be. I saw life as black and white and that’s it.

Soon, I grew out of that phase, but the hard and painful way. I hated how I became. I hated who I was. I was fake. I was so fake that I couldn’t stand my self. I thought to my self, what was I doing? Who am I?

Then the years after in my early 20’s have changed me. I didn’t know what I wanted or what am I to do? Who was I to satisfy? Who would like me? I didn’t adhere to standards at all. I didn’t like going to all girl gatherings. I didn’t like going to Arabic parties. I didn’t like even watching Arabic TV or listening to Arabic music. I just thought, well, why?

I lost my culture, and I kept it that way. Then I decided to love someone because I thought he was like me. I thought he didn’t like the standards that our culture made us follow. I thought that a liberal Arab was maybe better. I didn’t know what liberal Arabs were or what they did. I never lived to that extreme and I was so unfamiliar with it that it kept shocking me. I didn’t know that liberal Arabs do whatever they want, and portray to the world that they are cultural and religious for the sake of talk. They were fake, and they dragged others with them. They lied to everyone didn’t they? So lying to me was not any different. I was also pressured into being liberal, and that’s when I changed and said I have enough! I didn’t want to be part of anything anymore. I didn’t want to lie and hide my other life and portray to the world I am a good Arab.

I did crazy things I have to admit. It wasn’t for the sake of love. Screw love. I never believed in it. I just believed that it could have been better if there was some understanding and acceptance of differences. Some communication and honesty. I lost trust in people; I really did. I wanted to be alone. I broke up with him 3 times. The third time was the killer. I didn’t just tell him to leave me alone, I told him I couldn’t stand his lying, his fakeness. I couldn’t stand him being a typical ARAB and hated Arabs!

That’s when I died as an Arab, and I proclaimed my self as Rebellious. I wanted to be something different. Something that is neither here or there. Something that is too unbelievable and not part of what I am supposed to be. I was forced fed religion and culture. Islam, I believe in it. I believe its goodness and morals and the way it shapes our lives. If all Muslims follow Islam properly, then life would be better. But they don’t. I don’t. I don’t know how. So I relied on culture as another guide to life, but it made my thinking worse. It made me more angry and hateful of what I have done in my life. What I became. I became lost between cultures. Lost between religions. Lost between worlds.

I don’t know what I am anymore.

However, people are judgmental and think because I don’t follow the standards than I am westernized and I am bad. I would go to the extreme of not only disobeying culture, but also religion. It’s like the two are intertwined. Are they? If you loose your cultural believes than it means you lost your religion as well?

Why am I asking all these questions? Why am I analyzing who I am again? I have been trying for the past week to remember who I am. To actually be happy and proud of being an Arab and there will always be good and bad. I can’t till this day speak it too well, and probably cannot write it much, but I am who I am. I argue with people about it. I made a site about it. I have no shame. I have nothing to hide. I never did anything wrong in my life. I follow my religion because I believe it is right and I was raised this way and I agree with it. I just don’t want people to keep stereotyping me in groups. I am neither this or that. I am not what people typically think I should be because of religion and culture. Thinking is different than actions. I am open minded. I am extremely open minded because I am tolerant. Why can’t the rest of you be tolerant as well?

Random Thoughts

I decided today after I got so sick of hearing about moving again at work to bring Squibby my turtle home. We have to move again at work to another room. I guess they got us a bigger room than we used to have originally, but again, no windows. I was pissed because it is in the farthest away nastiest place. It is near the building’s garbage disposal area with signs saying, “keep door closed!” I was like what the fuck! I feel like I am trash. We are trash and we are treated like one with all this crap. Not only that, the room has an extension and we have to share it with grad students??? And people wonder why I hate this job so much for sitting and doing nothing and getting paid for it. It’s a horrible environment!

I just told my dad and bro about it. My dad said, “3am bey7awlo yitafshookom be ay taree2a?” Meaning: (Are they trying to get you so bored to death in any way possible?)

I said, “YEP!”

He said, “don’t worry. Be patient and God is there.”

Oh I have been patient. So patient to the point I want to take my arm and bite it from my patience! I want it to see it bleed so I will feel physical pain instead of the emotional catastrophic pain I have been suffering. Fuck this job. It really has sucked the life out of me that I am willing to take anything right now. I don’t care if it pays less, as long as I fucking leave! 6 years of experience is shit to people! I am willing to start all over than stay at this job that is deteriorating every cell in my brain and sucking my soul!

Angry, Blah Blah, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, Squibby

I told my self I wouldn’t talk about job interviews or any job hunting at all because I don’t want to discuss it. However, I have been going insane the past 3 months in trying to discover what I want and what do companies interview me for. What do I want to do with my life? I even got suggestions to go to a career councilour to try and figure out what I want to do.

I don’t need counciling, but I need time to find something that won’t drive me insane from boredom and suicidal attempts in 5 years.

Today, I went to an interview for a job that pays less than what I am getting now. However, I went in and thought, ok, there are benefits to this job in the long term, and the position is NOT programming. Will I go through with it? I was almost late to the interview. I am spatially challenged and I get confused from roads and signs and buildings really fast that I keep thinking, “shit.. I think I missed the road.” In reality, I would be thinking ahead of my self and I didn’t even reach the spot yet. So what do I end up doing? I walk, then I think, no no, then I WALK BACK! Then after crossing a block or two, I think, shit, that’s not right, and I walk back the other way. Oh God, NEVER ASK ME for directions. I am no navigator!

Anyways, we will see. I am not going to hope much for anything right now. I mean I thought about it. I get paid for sitting at a job and do nothing. Most people would die for such a job. However, I am NOT like normal people, and it sucked the LIFE out of me. For those that follow me have seen the drastic change in my writing from moderately sarcastic to completely negative! I died inside from the boredom and I felt useless. It changed my whole personality and I became this uncaring person to the point that I don’t even complete any tasks or do anything that has meaning anymore.

However, and I mean it, however, I still have a bit of determination. I determine to be something important. I think I always had this inner need to be popular and be known for something really important. I want to do something with my life and people will say, “Mona did it! She was a part of it!”

I think that bit of determination is what kept me sane till now. With all the ups and downs in my life, moving from one country to another, having numerous friends that came in and out of my life, and meeting some of those that will forever be in my heart; I learned that life needs an objective and real friends to share it with.

I haven’t set an objective yet. I haven’t even began to make a plan, but I know that I will try my best to reach that point and never give up. I will never give up as long as I have faith in my talents, have faith in people I love to always stand by my side, and a tiny bit of hope to be something important in this life and make a difference.

Anyways, to a more lighter subject, I Twittered yesterday about my crazy idea of me marrying Ramy Ayach. I got so many messages from people asking who he is or why him! :love: I am shallow and I need a target to keep my mind busy with an obsession for a while. He was a good target. Very very very good looking Lebanese man and looks like the guy I used to stalk back when I was 19/20. :lol:

This is my favorite song for him “I miss you”:

Advice, Random Thoughts, Video

Time and time again, I keep asking my self, “why did I start this fucking blog?” We all know that sometimes we impulsively react to certain situations because some of us are a bit hysterical and end up WRITING about it. Welcome to my world. One thing that my blog has suffered from is this particular article, that till this day I get comments on. Moreover, every time I want to close the comments on that post, I think, well, let the argument continue and see how far stupidity gets. Obviously, people who comment are unaware that the article is old. I don’t comment on posts that are more than 2 weeks old, and I lost track of why there is a constant need for people to insult me or tell me I am wrong.

I am never wrong unless I SAY I am. Yes I am a bit self centered and I write impulsively 90% of the time, but that’s why my blog is truthful and SUCCESSFUL! Warning: I am writing impulsively starting 10 minutes ago. SO! if I had a bad day and I said that Arabs are shit, then I had a reason and I backed it up and case closed. I know most of you hate the generalization, I do too! I don’t want to be part of the shit Arabs that I talk about. But I don’t go back and think, oh, I think I was a bit harsh. Of course I was harsh! Of course I said a few things that I shouldn’t have said. What am I to do? Change my personality completely?

Moreover, Arabs search for a lot of nonsense on Google and somehow arrive to my site and land on that particular article. That’s understandable. The title is harsh. Extremely harsh. I get those neo-conservative Arabs saying that I bring shame to Arabs and I should stop pretending to be one. Ok. I will go scrape the name of my site with my teeth and feed it to the wolves. I will go get brainwashed so I will forget completely how to speak Arabic and even being an Arab. I will go get skin surgery to change my olive skin colour to something different like dark mahogany with streaks of black. Will that satisfy your desire?

Listen to me people for the first and final time. I AM ARAB. I fucking have the title of my site as being an Arab girl. If I was fucking ashamed of being an Arab, then why the hell I have it as my site’s URL and title. Explain that to me because I am completely mystified. I haven’t seen many Arab bloggers carry the name of their ethnicity in the name of their site. Most label them selves with the country they are originally from somewhere in their About Me section. That’s fine in most people’s standards. However, my standards are high. TOO HIGH! I label my self as an Arab and I AM FUCKING PROUD TO BE ONE!

When the hell did any of you low lives ever stood in front of some foreigner and actually told them with your head high that you are ARAB! Not Palestinian. Not Kuwaiti. Not Jordanian. Not Lebanese. Just ARAB!

I doubt that many of you ever did. It’s funny how saying the word Arab is so hard for most of you. Yet, I carry it in the name of my site, inside my heart, and through the words that permeate in this site!

Am I ashamed of being an Arab? NO!

Am I ashamed of being an Arab because I associated my self with Arabs like you? YES!

You know why I am Rebellious? Because I AM FUCKING sick of people like YOU!!!

Case closed. Fucking drop the subject. No one gives a shit.

Advice, Angry, Idiots