Why am I like this?
I am not going to label my self as weak, or think too much of the past. I honestly don’t like thinking of the past at all. However, I feel like it is always creeping up on me and making me think of other possibilities, in other words the inevitable, “what if?”
You may wonder what I am talking about, and at times I have no idea what I am talking about. I got some people emailing me in the past saying that my site is a perfect study for a psychological in depth analysis of human thought. In other words, vividly expressive.
Am I expressive or just plain talking nonsense? Nonsense is a great term. I learned that nonsense is one of the most important genre of children literature, and that’s why it is so attractive to a young audience. However, my site does not have a genre, or maybe it does and I am just in denial. Maybe I didn’t grow out of this nonsense thought process and I am always living in denial. I don’t know what is wrong with me and I feel I am back to square one. I thought I got rid of all the negativity in my life by quitting everything and removing the past. Quitting my job was the last hurdle in that mess called past life.
Lately, all I have been thinking about is my age. My life. What have I done with my life. I feel everyone is moving on with their life and doing new and exciting things. Unlike me, who decided to quit everything because I got sick of the same continuous lifestyle that I was stuck in. I am in an idle stage right now trying to figure out how to relieve the past trauma that permeated my thought process.
Moreover, people think I have all the free time in the world. Believe me, I had all the time in the world, I just didn’t use any of it because I was brain washed into what society wanted from me. Also, I wonder why people get married. I also wonder how people get married. Maybe I should have gotten married long ago at a young age so my thought process is not skewed by the agony of life. What am I talking about? Me gotten married? Who would want me?
Strangely, I don’t believe in love. I find it absurd, this concept called love. That’s why some of you think I am so negative when I speak of love and relationships on my site. I have seen it. I have experienced it. I have heard about it. I have seen people suffer cause of it. In the end, they either take the route to satisfy their desires, or the route to satisfy those around them in the expense of living a lie.
Maybe I do have a negative view of life. I thought I grew out of it. I tried to get rid of everything that made this view so melancholy, but you can’t change a person over night. I think I need to find a cure to my mental psychological disease. It is taking over my life. I was fine last week. I was fine a month ago, but today, of all days, I feel so down. I want more, but I can’t seem to find a starting point. Is it a starting point that I am really looking for, or a new tangent from an end point?
My sister is not normal, or maybe she is and I am the one that refuses to understand this messed up generation that is so materialistic and demanding. I cannot speak to my sister without her replying back with a smart ass remark that shows the ultimate form of hatred towards me. Once my brother left two months ago, her wise ass remarks increased ten folds. She repeatedly tells me that she wished that I left and not him. When I try to ask her to do anything, she says that I am not her mother and she doesn’t have to listen to me at all. She is pretty much trying to take my brother’s place with her sharp tongue, but I am impatient and get angry in a second because of my broken fuse. 
