Is it me, or them?

I grew up in different environments throughout my life, and with different types of friends. A selected few because I am the anti-social butterfly. I was always shy, did not talk much, and really didn’t feel like I had something worth talking about. Because of that, I did not have many friends. It didn’t bother me much, because I was a bit logical and kept thinking of why would anyone really want to be friends with a girl who didn’t talk much, or say anything worth listening to?

Throughout high school, I did not have any “friends.” Maybe because I went to different high schools cause of my move to Canada. I was a nerd and a loner. I was too smart for my own good, and was stuck in classes with people older than me, and being born in December and being ahead didn’t help. So technically, I was almost 1.5 years younger. I mean come on, I was so nerdy, I did not study for trigonometry or chemistry tests and got 100%. People seriously hated me, and till now I think science is the best thing on earth.

Well, I tried to have friends in my final grade 13 year with Arabs, but then I discovered that I could not be friends with any Arab just because they are Arab. They are my people, we are foreigners in this strange land, and we should bond together through thick and thin. That’s how I thought, but took me one month to discover that was pure bull shit, and I quickly ended any friendship that was based on talking behind my back and calling me a white washed nerd. They thought I was born here because I had no accent, and I was not like them, and did not understand how it is to be a foreigner. Ok… whatever.

That was then, and eventually I returned to a shy person all over again, but I was a bit more open, and slowly had a clique of selected friends. However, the more friends I had, the more I noticed that people really did not listen to me.

This is one of my biggest pet peeves: people do not listen to me. I listen to them, but they don’t do the same to me. I don’t know why, and they wonder why I am not talkative or ask about them much. What am I supposed to really tell them? Am I to say, “well, I try to talk to you and have a conversation that is more than one minute long, but you slowly ignore me and stop replying back and changing the subject to your satisfaction.” This is NOT through msn or any virtual medium. This is in real life; face-to-face.

I am different. I am an Arab girl who is a total nerd, doesn’t look like one, obsessed with technology and the internet, and creates websites just for fun. I do not care much about shopping for particular things. I like looking like a bum sometimes. I do not talk on the phone for hours, because I hate phones. How many Arab girls like me out there? Or girls in general?

Now, I am noticing that same trend again with some people, and not just Arabs. I think there is seriously something wrong with the way I speak that people don’t give a rat’s ass if they listen to me or not. I see it. I really do see it. Maybe the only satisfaction I get is from this blog. I feel people are actually listening (reading) what I really have to say, but I am not real life friends with them.

Maybe I should start obsessing over girly things and pretend to be normal, but I do not know the first thing about anything to do with the latest trends. Maybe I should gain new interests, but do I really want to change my interests to satisfy other’s personalities to keep or gain friendships? Isn’t that called “fake?”

I was thinking of something fake to do. Dear GOD! forgive me for I had sinful thoughts! Amen!

Phew.. I like being my self, but I wish others did too.

Advice, Culture, Ranting as usual!, They said what?