Still trying to figure out what I want
Have you ever wished you were someone else?
I have that feeling every single day. I think I always wanted to be someone else, and doing lots of great things other than the nothing that I ended up doing so far in my life. Yes, I am educated. Yes, I have work experience as a computer programmer, but do you guys know how many sanity brain cells you loose cause of it? Crazy is not strong of a word to describe how I ended up being. I was so normal before I was a programmer, and I went crazy cause of it. I ended up going to psychologists, and I constantly felt I was not treated fairly because I was a girl stuck in a computer world of mostly males. I pretty much was done for, and I was seriously depressed. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy programming, but I wish I felt I was doing a job worth something in the long run, and I can look back and say that what I did was awesome.
I think most people at my old age want to get married and have a family, but I don’t. I think it has to do with me not believing in this thing called love anymore. However, I do believe in obsession with gorgeous looking guys (thank the Lord All Mighty for Facebook. Amen!), but marriage, no way!
I don’t know what I want, and I have been out of work for over 3 months, and I still don’t know what I want. I know I don’t want to work for the man. I don’t want to be enslaved in a desk at a 9-5 job doing something that is not worth anything, and no room for me to improve or climb the ranks. I don’t want to be tied down to anything really, and I want to do something that is so new and great. I think I want to invent something, or create something new, but crap that is worthless, I am not doing that again.
So, what do I really want? What kind of person should I have been, wish I was, or should I try to be?
I don’t know. I am still trying to decide that, but I know that I don’t want to do what everyone else is doing. I find it boring. Life is supposed to be a fun journey where we make the best of it and strive to make great new things. I need to focus on THAT, and stop obsessing with the past. I am drug free, worry free, and I can sleep most days. And NO! my insomnia happens once in a blue moon, but not every other day like it used to be. God, I don’t even want to remember all that. I keep wanting to read my blog posts from the beginning (almost 3 years ago), to remember all the crap that I wrote, but I am scared to read it and realize that I was TOTALLY crazy.
Do you think only crazy people have blogs? 
Do you guys feel that I am writing to my self or to you guys? I read this over and thought, Dear God! I am crazy and I am writing what is really in my head, and should not say out loud or in public. Man, cookoo.. cookoo..
Loading ...
Thanks for your... 
Mona, I hate the fact that u are indirectly putting urself down…ur stronger than that…besides ur not crazy! I think ur just going through a quarter life crisis that everyone in their mid/late 20ies go through.
Which is in fact normal. IT would of been ab-normal if you didn’t.
I think u just need to take it easy on urself..
Besides have u ever though of entering the “journalism” world, I think u should give it a shot! Free lancing would be a great opportunity, and besides you have a lot of experience in writing anyways..
Cookoo…No…Desperate to make a real difference in some way shape or form that can give you some sort of satisfaction and validate your presence on this earth…yes. Trust me; we’re all fighting ourselves because of something we’re just not happy about.
Good blog.
I think your writing for both yourself and others, in this case, asking both your questions, and seeking at times the reader’s feedback, and at tother times, their approval.
Interesting though, and it gives insight into you as a person, and your humanity.
The answer is yes, only crazy people write blogs, cos otherwise the craziness has nowhere to go.
btw I thought you’d get to this point when you quit to do NOTHING. But I think it’s a good thing, it’s all on the path to more greatness.
I think you’ll figure it out
I think you need a vacation right now. As for your thoughts, I think life will take its turn one day or the other. I think you’re doing all the right things. Like you’ve now started another online magazine. Things have started piling up for you I guess.
Oh yes, many thanks to facebook from my side as well.
Cheers
keep your chin up and dont sweat the small stuff.
My cousin works for a software company in Germany out of his home in colorado. a job like this might be the answer your looking for.
when i encountered your blog, i thought.. wow must feel great to be established in a field, an expert at something! computer programmer and graphic designer nice!…. and here you echoing my sentiments! wow i never would have thought!
You are screaming to be heard.
TO LET THEM KNOW IN WORDS other than just illusions.
I DO THE SCREAM MOST OF THE TIMES and it feels out of this world.
as for no belief in some cases, i’d ssay it is just a phase which will pass! it always does!