Sense of purpose
I shudder in my chair while looking at the screen every time I think of the future. Images in my head start to unravel of many possibilities, yet, none of them seem to be realistic or plausible. None of them seem to be what I feel I am supposed to be doing in this life. I feel that I need someone or some people to give me a chance. A chance to prove my worth in this life.
What do I think I want?
I am not specifically talking about a career or marriage or any of that. I think it is more than that, and I am not sure what. Maybe in my head, I just want someone to say, “This is Mona. Do you know who she is? I will tell you.”
However, I just feel alone. I really do. I feel that my friends are moving on in their own little worlds and forgot about me. Most of them don’t even ask about me or say hello anymore. Others don’t talk to me unless they want something and underestimate my true worth in this life. I see all these people that add me to Facebook, email me daily and comment on my site, and I wonder . . . do these people really care about me? Will these people remember me in a year or two? Even a month from now?
I can’t really express my self in real life. I learned to keep my mouth shut and not bother anymore with people. The more I know about anyone, the more I feel that I can’t have what they have. I feel this utter uncontrollable discontent with my self. Yet others, have the life that I don’t ever want, which makes me wonder if they have been hit by an insanity truck, and if that truck had any insurance.
What do I really want?
I don’t know what I want from life. At times I think I want a career. Other times I think I want to find someone who won’t treat me like crap and does not live a double life. I know I can’t have both. I feel at times I can’t have both and never will. The past 3 years have changed so much. I woke up and saw the world for what it really is, and I can’t seem to tell my heart to accept it. I think I am one of those people that does not have the capability to use both of her main organs. The heart or brain. I seem to only use the latter and cannot use the former.
I met so many people in my life, and no one seemed to be really interested in who I really am. Many of them don’t listen to me, cut me off when I talk, and think what I say is not really that important. Maybe that is one of those unconditional reasons why I have this blog. Maybe to write out what I can’t really say in real life.
I ask my self, who am I really? The more I tried to figure out and to pursue either one, career or love, I can’t seem to get them. I feel that I am not meant to get either, and my purpose is something else. So what exactly is my purpose in life? I am very much in an idle stage now. Trying to figure out people, life, my purpose, but instead, I feel that I am dangled by a string.
Cold hearted
I was told I was cold hearted. Maybe. I am nice on the outside, but in reality I am a very cold heartless person. I just don’t seem to care about anyone. You can say that my heart was struck by a cold icy tip and remained frozen. I am very much cold about everything. When I say I don’t care, is because I honestly don’t care. I actually mean those words when I say them. I think for some people that is enough justification to their beliefs of analyzing my personality. Is that good enough for you? Is that what you wanted to read? There ya go. I fed your ego and your stubbornness.
Maybe in the past I spent my life caring about others, and giving others more than what they are worth. It was not to gain friendships. It was not to gain love. It was not to gain anything but respect. Yet, people did not know what that meant. I feel that the reason I don’t get along with 99% of the world is due to the lack of respect they have towards me. I think I try too hard to explain things, but I can’t seem to understand why us humans don’t have the ability to respect one another. Why is it so hard?
Respect to me is the glue to everything in life. I think the moment you gain the respect that you deserve, everything else comes into place.
Everyone’s question. Why Rebellious Arab Girl?
I think I answered this question many times, or tried to. I tried to explain why I chose those 3 words. Why I labeled my self as a controversial person, yet, where is the controversy?
I grew up. I grew up the hard way. I saw so many wrong things in my life, and I had no shame or fear of speaking about them. I don’t censor my self. I don’t need to when speaking the truth. Why should I? Really?
Many labeled me as a non-Arab or an Arab hater. Some even said that my site is a lie and I am actually a Zionist running this site in the name of an Arab girl. Others said that I should be ashamed of being an Arab, because Arabs are a parasite to the world. Others, well, the list goes on. It keeps going on and will continue going on. You know why? Because people will never accept the difference. They will never accept the truth that they have been avoiding.
When a girl or guy out there emails me saying, “you are speaking exactly what is on my mind, but I never dared say it,” makes me extremely happy. I don’t care anymore who I hurt or who I offend. Do they care about me? I learned to be selfish. I learned to just think of my self because no one else will. No one will go and say, “this is Mona. Do you know her?” No. I have to earn it and make people say it. They will say it because they have to say it, and will always remember it. They will forever say, “she dared say what I can’t say!”
I think that is one of my purposes in life . . . To just say it because I got tired of being quiet. I think you did too.
Who am I kidden . . . I could be just lying to my self again and suffering from denial . . . Like I have always been. Like I have always been doing all along.
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I had a hard time getting people to respect me too. My american side of the family (mainly cousins my age) treated me like I was a 15 year old because I don’t drink, smoke, date or do the stuff they do. I didn’t like them joking with me or being around them much.
My arab side thought I was mutakabera and that I thought I was all that, Which I never thought. I just didn’t know how to communicate well and didn’t agree with them on some culture issues. I then learned to fit in better with my arab side and accept the way they think, and made my american cousins realize I’m 22 yrs old so treat me like it. I started joking and talking more with them and they have fun with me now without all the drinking and stuff. Now I feel like fit in, have more respect, and I’m liked better on both sides, lol.
The bottom line is for me I had to change my way of thinking and try to earn respect.
I’m sure you didn’t want my life story but thats what came up lol.
@Lela
No I don’t mind. I love it when people share their life experiences with others. I think it build a trust between people.
@Lela Hun aren’t you younger than22 LOL? As I recall reading ur blog before you disabled it saying otherwise??? Correct me if i’m wrong LOL. Mona my darling your not cold hearted whoever gave u that impression must of been mistaken… U learned the tough way how to survive in a corrupt society… Ur characteristics shape who u and if people don’t like it then they should kiss ur behind…. U weren’t placed on earth to please others u should be pleasing yourself @ the end of the day u only have itself n the selected few AND BTW I CARE
Mona,
AA. I feel sorry for you. I love your blog because of your deep honesty. You are trying to figure out your role in life because you have a fitra but there is something preventing you from either accepting the truth or you might be culturally confused? I am not saying this to judge you but to just bring it up as discussion. Career…marriage…whatever floats your boat. I think the thing that will thaw your heart will be if you become a mother (if ever). I know when my son was born I cried (and I am a guy). Careers dont fulfill this emptiness inside people. Family does. Allahu alim. I’ll pray for you (and all of us). Take care.
the only “person” who you have to prove yourself to is Allah Subhanna wa ta Allah. screw everybody else; if thats the way you feel.
quoting from the AWESOME Nasheed Medley II by 786:
Wa Salem Dae Manabadana Allah Chabibi.
when you pray give god a request….tell the one what it is you desire. be it humble and modest allah, always listening, will grant it. but heres the catch….ya gotta be patient.
I don’t wanna seem to be the wise girl right here but from a personal experience..My advice to you is to focus on your career now.This will really make you some one and other will respect you through it.
Prove to the world that you have the fiercest brain ever and you can do many stuff they can’t even dare to think about.At that moment,believe me,everything will change and you will also find love and that one who likes you are simply “Mona the rebellious Arab girl”.
Keep it up girl and keep not to care.
I do the same. I’m a very soft spoken person in life, but online, I have a voice.
For what it is worth, I respect you, and frankly, I care. It’s strange to me, but I do, I wonder if you are happy today and like to know how you are doing. Your voice on your blog is powerful & I’m sure you are the same in real life, but if you are like me, it takes people a little time to get that to come out. In my experiences, once someone knows who I am, they listen much more intently to what I have to say because they respect my opinion. People often judge too quickly and I just keep moving past, I don’t have time to waste on them.
I honestly don’t think you say anything that’s highly offensive. I like to hear the opinions, etc.
One thing that I did that may seem cold hearted was people hacking. I spent years learning science and computers. One day, I woke up and realized that if I wanted to get what I wanted out of life, I needed to learn how to hack people. I started treating people like computers. I studied them and tried to push the right buttons. The scary thing is that it worked! I felt so shitty doing it, but I was successful at this. At least I was doing better than I had been than before.
@Ibrahim
First off, I didn’t ask you for be sorry for me. So spare me your pretend sorrow.
Secondly. (If ever?) If I ever become a mother. And you call me a pessimistic person? Look at you people who assume the worse in people. I suggest you take your fatherhood and your happiness and go somewhere else. Don’t put down and feel sorry for people cuz you think you have it all.
@Samar
Mwaah! A kiss for your wise words from the Rebellious Arab Girl.
@Professor Mikey
You sound like me.. In a male version.
@Leeroy Glinchy
Where you reading my previous diary on how to hack people’s personalities or something? lol
Jeez. I am scared now. Some of you guys are so similar to me, personality wise, and I am a bit scared. lol
haha oh my I just noticed how crappy my comment was..excuse me and my mistake..I was actually typing it up on my phone..:P I was to lazy to sit on the pc..
@jade
No hun I’m 22. I think I’m pretty sure of my age, lol.
I care….people (you and your friends) go through different times in their life; some good and some bad…But at the end of the day you’ll have to exclude all those good and bad times, all those people, all those viewpoints, all those judgements, all that culture and sit down with YOURSELF, in all blatant honesty and absolute truth , with no sarcasm and no “denial”, all past behind you, and think of who you really are and what you really want.
When you look around, you will see people who are trying to be someone, people trying to folow some one… if you look closer, you will see that they are all trying to conform and be that same one person!
Society(online or otherwise) does not like a sore thumb sticking out; people may find it hard to accept your views because either they are narrow minded or are not used to such views. You can be dull, or a box of fireworks, at the end of the day, you always have to look after number one, you always have to look after you!
Well, you were certainly talkative in this one… I feel rather chatty too.
Rise my Wall of Text!
@ para 1
I feel the exact same way. I’m drifting though college trying to decide what I need to do to get where I want to go, and seeing as what I want is termed as ‘impossible’ or ‘unrealistic’ I have to sit on my hands waiting for the perfect moment to exploit. But I feel my window is coming close, maybe yours will too.
@ para 2-4
Plenty of people are alone, again, I am too. I haven’t had a friend to physically talk to in about 4 years now, even then I only had one. But I have found that friends are not based on a certain time scale or a certain form. I’ve met many cool people that I’ve seen for only a couple days and then never again. I’ve meet many cool people online who I’ve never met at all, but still share a ‘friendship’ bond with. We are all family, so we are all naturally connected with each other. Though we have PLENTY of assclowns in the family too.
As for your friends leaving you behind, I don’t know what to tell you really. But I HAVE to say something so… We are all moving in different directions as individuals, so in our own perspectives it may seem as others are moving when in fact You may be the one moving. Damn, I’m so smart. lmao
@ para 5-7
Again, exactly how I feel. I’m an introvert who will help others even if it kills me (if certain conditions are met) but will probably never find anyone who I can ‘be with’ on a relationship level.
The past 4 years of my life have been a roller coaster. I have left High School, enrolled in 2 different colleges, lived in a different state, returned back home, found out EVERYTHING I was previously taught were nothing more than lies, found out a good amount of the food/water/air I cosume are posioned, and found life on another planet (as well as over my own house).
Nothing has ever been ‘normal’ in my life but the past 4 years have been really strange, though purely natural when you’ve read and connected the things I’ve read/seen/feel. Things are changing for a reason, and things will continue to change but faster – I hope you are ready.
Continue to question people, the world, and everything in it. You are questioning it because there is something you are picking up on that has broken the pattern. Something is not right and you know it, in 5 seconds I’m sure you could list quite a few things you know are wrong with this world. Follow that feeling into even the most obscure realms and you will be rewarded.
@ para 8-9
The real You isn’t cold-hearted, unless that is what You choose. Yes, I have no doubt people have shit on you in the past – the same has happened to me and many others. People these days have no respect, and many never will.
But the people with no respect are lower than You, to hell with ‘em! You are better off without them and dealing with their shit. Do not let something lower than you, something that has no value to the world, drag you down with them, you are better than them even if you don’t think so.
@ the rest
“Because people will never accept the difference. They will never accept the truth that they have been avoiding.” These words are so true! People have always been afraid of the word, so they make up ridiculous ways of living to cope with it. An example would be the early American ‘invaders’ claiming people were witches using Satanic powers. lol It’s the same way with people and 9/11. They can’t believe the fact that a power-hungry government would kill a couple ‘low-lifes’ to get what they want – instead they believe a couple of people, all surprisingly ranging from little to no flight experience, hijacked some planes and caused this in the name of Allah… not to mention that many of the ‘suicide terrorists’ are STILL ALIVE!
The point I’m trying to make is, People can’t handle the truth. They don’t like the cold, gritty face of reality. They love to live in a fantasy land where the sun revolves around them, the world is flat, gravity doesn’t exist, the president is the messiah, and Britney Spears is more important than the children in Gaza being run over by tanks. People can’t stand the fact that they don’t have the power of God, they can’t stand being imperfect (which is in fact a very good thing). They can’t stand the fact that they still cannot survive the wrath of the planet, a ‘lifeless rock’. They still cannot stand the fact that they are not the only thing created by God, nor the center of the Universe. People are afraid of life, and because of that they seek death and destruction. These are the same people who will happily pick out someones flaws and never admit to their own. They are unstable.
As for the whole labeling and Arab bit. I don’t know what to say. I come from America, the most hated people on the Earth right now. I have a mix of Eastern Band Cherokee and an bloodline that I cannot trace. I also come from a Southern Christian family, which get really lively when you question everything about their ‘authoritative’ view on God and life/death… I have come to the conclusion that I am Me, screw the labels. I follow no ‘standardized’ religion, nor a cult like Scientology, and I’m more of a ‘Patriot’ then the new President. I’m a human being, I am a living work of God, be it a singular being or a group. I expect no heaven when I die, I expect it now and will do what I can to achieve it.
Some people like being something that is already established (to join a group with a sense of belonging), others like to establish themselves (who can’t pick a comfortable spot to sit or just don’t care). Personal preference really.
“Arabs are a parasite to the world”, as it currently stands every person on this planet is a parasite. We are all leeching from Mother Earth with nothing to return, this isn’t a symbiotic relationship, it is a parasitic one.
“I am actually a Zionist running this site” – I lol’d.
There are many tricky Zions running around, but you don’t give off that vibe. Many of them can’t hold a disguise for shit and under the right set of eyes they can clearly be seen. You haven’t shown signs of feigning anger or confusion towards the recent Gaza genocide, so you are clearly not a Zion in my books.
“I think that is one of my purposes in life . . . To just say it because I got tired of being quiet.”
1) You have a mouth, you were given it for a reason.
2) You have a brain, you were given it for a reason.
You are a social creature, you are not meant to be quiet.
Okay, I’m done. lmao
Lately this has been a habit, where every now and then I just go through all your recent posts. This explains why I comment too late. On the other hand, it seems to be far more effective; I’ll just read a bunch that will satisfy me for a while instead of reading only one at a time. Does that sound like anything familiar??
Drugs –I guess I got myself addicted
– Mona-dictive , lol
Well I guess u already have started out something in your name …this blog!!
Its your voice, and u inspire others to find theirs or at least admit that they are voiceless and useless … so I’ll play a brain maniac for a while now.I just find this too interesting and sooo true !!!
A voice is defined as the unique, personal significance we each possess. Four elements makes up our voice – Need, Conscience, Passion and talent. In short “when you engage in a work that taps your talent and fuels your passion–that rises out of a great need in the world that you feel drawn by conscience to meet–therein lies your voice, your calling, your soul’s code”…Okay I copied the last part – isn’t it damn gd !!
Soo don’t u think u have the “Voice”??
Here is why…
1)You sensed a human need: the world stupidty, shallowness and ignorance, whether by Arabs or the rest of the world.
2)You responded yo your conscience: tadaaaaaa – you made this Blog !!!
3)You applied your talents and passion …. I wont say anything here because nothing will justify it !
Soo based on what u said, obviously you are trying to do is achieve your purpose in life – or more to “Leave a Legacy”. Not necessarily by this blog only, but in all aspects which happen to be the topics you discuss; whether regarding your career or relationships or your identity. It what makes you!! Since I only have acess to one part of your life or more your thoughts being this blog, one can easily see that u matter and u really do stand out. Soo now I wonder who who will question who the heck is Mona?? No one can question this, unless they contributed or put enough effort to their cause. Man, I admire YOU, your words are gold. I can relate to many things, plus you’re funny, and have a unique writing style, that’s 3 in 1, you can grab the attention of anybody !!
Also I do think you are a great inspiration, and YES you are a Arab-phenomena!!! You speak exactly whats on my mind, and even for the ones who deny it, at heart they know it !!
I don’t think you should focus on using only one whether your heart or brain, because u already do whats MORE – Your Heart, Brain and Soul !!! Maybe its just the matter of time!!
Well, I don’t think you are cold-hearted, actually a hot-hearted, lol. More like a volcano, soo you had enough all those years, and just exploded at the end,now thats what makes you more ALIVE!! Since u decided to direct the “lava” in a more productive path, by making this blog and allowing the rest of the world to see that a person like you can exist, and to see what they have missed out..Soo they are left with two options, if they couldn’t grasp it and remained close-minded – it will Burn them , on the other hand it will more heart-warming for the sane people!!
Appernetly people do not disrepsect the weak or the unfortunate, they just pity them. So I guess the reason why people disrespect is due to fear & jelousy !!
Fear from the unknown,the different or something they don’t know and are not capable of, or even fear from someone who is stronger and can excel in areas they cant. So they disrespect you out of jealousy and fear from coming to a conclusion that they they are the worthless ones.
Well, I have a big test in less than 7 hours, still haven’t covered half of the material, because I lost track of time reading your blog ;D..Soo even though if this might sound a bit corny or unbelievable -I guess I do fit under the “I care” catogorery – ;D
Aaah man, I just read one of your post, u said u wont read more than 2 paragraphs. My bad, but I’m posting it anyways. ;p