Blank dreams
I spend my time sitting next to my bedroom’s window, and looking outside at the sky.
The last time I went outside of the house was Monday. Yes, a week ago almost. I have been sitting at home in my PJ’s for the past 7 days. I don’t have the ability to even go outside. I just don’t want to look at people. I don’t want to see anyone.
When I did walk outside, I saw people around me walking with someone, talking on the phone, walking in groups, or holding someone’s hand. Now, I ask, why me? Why am I always alone? I can’t even talk to anyone anymore. I feel like no one wants to talk to me, or even asks about me.
I think at times that it really is my fault. I am the one that doesn’t call, email, or ask how you are doing. It’s my fault. I was always the one that did that and I guess people got used to it. But at times I think to my self, why doesn’t anyone do the same? Why don’t people ask about me? Why am I always the one initiating every step? Why do I feel that I have to work so hard to just talk to someone?
Then, I tell my self that it is my fault. It really is my fault. I am the one that is not happy with my life, and I don’t have the ability to look at someone or talk to anyone anymore. I even got tired of writing on this blog. People out there don’t understand me. They judge my entire life from a post that they land on from Google, and they think they can miraculously solve my problems. No one can solve my problems, because I don’t even know what they really are.
All I know know, lately, it has become hard to wake up in the morning aimless, and have no idea what to do with my life. No one out there wants me. I can’t find work, I can’t find someone to like me, I just can’t find anyone that even cares to ask how am I doing. When people hear my story or just read what I just wrote, then I am sure deep in their heads they think I am a failure. A total failure. Maybe I am. I really am.
I may sound weak, and so unlike my self. But I am tired. I really am. I can’t even cry anymore. My tears dried up long ago.
When I see the grey hair on my forehead, I look at the rest of my face and ask my self, did I really waste my life? Did I really waste my young life? I want to convince my self that I am like everyone else. I am a girl who just wants a chance in life. To do something. To be someone. To be liked by people. To be loved by someone. However, I can’t. I can’t even think there is a chance that it may happen. I don’t have any dreams anymore.
Now I know I will get many emails, comments, or someone message using whatever technological way of communication there is to tell me that they want to help. Or that they have amazing advice that they want to share. I am tired of reading everyone’s advice and stories. Most of you tell me the same thing. Most of you give me either the conservative view from an Arabic perspective, or give me advice from the open minded highly liberal life view that everyone should be living. Why can’t someone think of the middle ground? Why can’t I find someone that actually understands what I am saying? I am just looking for the simple things. I swear to God I am really a simple person.
However, lately, I just feel that I am but a simple person with blank dreams that I can’t fill.
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One cares about you. i make du’at for you when i can. its the little things that matter. like the sky, the miracle of it being perfect blue…and the birds; the simple way they chime their hearts away. i like looking at the sun through the leaves, how it only shows you the tiniest pieces of light without showing you the whole thing…aka mona.
I’m not writing this from a foreign country hoping to get a green card.
I’m not going to tell you you’re going to hell for writing this blog.
I’m not going to give you advice.
I just wanted to thank you.
You write what you think. And even if people don’t agree with it, at least you’re honest to yourself.
So don’t be depressed or sad. Some of us actually appreciate what you do, even if we don’t write comments about it on every post. But I’m writing now so that even when you’re feeling down about your life I hope you remember that some of us appreciate you.
-Sophia
As usual, a nice post. I spend a lot of time feeling like the above. I don’t really want friends right now, I just want a job.
I spent a lot of time not even _knowing_ that I really needed to have more like minded friends. I got some, but then I moved 3,000 miles or so away, and I need to start over. A job first.
I agree that advice is annoying. Nobody can choose to implement all this great advice except for you.
I enjoy reading this blog. I like the notion of the third way of thinking between conservatism and liberalism.
I hope the job search is going well.
No”open-minded, liberal” advice this time (although it’s tempting! lol. Instead, just a big cyber- *hug*. I liked your post because I have felt like that in the past — one summer several years ago I was staying awake all night in my apartment reading books or doing computer stuff, and sleeping in the days — then I noticed that for a week I hadn’t been outside in the daylight! It was a low point — after that I met an Arab girl who cheered me up.
“People piss me off, because there are two types of them. The good ones that stand by your side and are always honest with you, and the other type that are full of crap. However, I like neither.”
So you don’t like good ones and you don’t like the not so good ones? Those in the middle are rare breed.
Live and be free, don’t bother about what others am thinking about you as long as you don’t hurt anyone or yourself in whatever you do. Do or don’t you’ll be damned anyway, so don’t be bothered.
First question – If I wrote a long comment, will you read all of it?
If no, then scroll to the end of the comment, and read the one liner.
If yes, well… here goes!
I’m not even going to try and “make you feel better”. I think that’s what everyone else will try and do. I want to try something else.
Each person is an individual in terms of personality, and how they deal with things. As easy as it is to tell a person “Don’t worry about what other people say” or “Cheer up” it is generally quite hard for the person in question to actually bring those changes in a short period of time. It’s like sending an alcoholic to AA and expecting them to be fixed overnight – it just doesnt happen.
So what can you do?
Well… you obviously wrote this post because you know that there is that middle ground which you want to follow – your ‘chosen path’ which will bring you happiness. I read somewhere recently that one should never say that life is short, because it IS the longest experience which you will face. Period. Sometimes dealing with life involves biting the bullet, sometimes being aggressive, sometimes standing up for things you believe in, and sometimes accepting things which happen; but thats what life is – a combination of all those, and many more things.
For what it’s worth, I love reading your blog because of how your view on life stands out amongst others. It may not necessarily be the common concensus, but it is reality nonetheless. If people don’t appreciate it, then so be it; but it is not a reflection of what or how you think or say things.
Hope you get out of your funk soon….
*If you chose no*
All I said above was general advise, you’ve probably heard it all before. All I can offer is comfort food… Chocolate Ice cream?
dont say that about urself! that is the problem! ur not giving urslef a chance…its not people who are not giving u a chance no! sometimes i feel that way and i blame everything…try and pick up the phone once..u ask about people…u do what u want to do..dont sit and wait…no one will do for u what u want for urself..u want to find work get some clothes on and go for it..go look for work in person..it wont come to you and applying from distance isnt the same as going there in person…and yea u guessed it people are going to try and help…u want us to just read and not comment? and there are people who like you…I DO
smile girl..u have many readers..and we wont follow ur blog everyday if we didnt..believe me
I can’t even begin to give advice, as my life is a mess, but I wish you well. I hope, truly, that you find something that gives you happiness and peace.
First time in days I read everyone’s comments.. I still have several emails to read. I appreciate everyone’s non-biased comments.
I am the exact same way. I had many friends back over seas. I came here and it was hard to fit in, when I did get friends we had to move, we have moved 3 times since I have been in America. Now I have been in this new city for a year and still dont have real friends, I don’t feel like they care about me much.
No one understands the things you go through. Ive also been so sad lately.
Like life isnt worth living.
Your blog is one thing that makes me smile still.
Thank you for making my life a little better.
I mean it!!
I actually feel very sad for you sometimes when I read your posts, but then I’m old and I look back at my life and understand where you’re coming from because I have felt many of the same things as you during my life time, as I’m sure many others have.
Hopefully your blog helps you to release a lot of pent up anger and frustration which I’m sure it does judging by how I chuckle at a lot of your tirades or diatribes. Lots of people live their lives to give advice, but who really wants to hear it? Not Me. I would wish for you some happiness though.
Well if it is any consolation you’re not alone in feeling like that, I feel like that most of the time and it isn’t a nice feeling at all.
I’m not writing from the conservative view, or from an Arab(
) perspective (I think). I’m not telling you to do anything. You don’t have to do what I suggest.
Have fun.
That’s all life’s about, right?
But why really bother with all that? Just live your life the way you want to live your life…comfort food works too 
Day after day, we’re bombarded with work and orders.
But hey. What would I know? I’m just some highschool kid who should really be doing her homework.
Mona, as you’ve said yourself you’re not even sure yourself what your problems are. Have faith in yourself as you’re an intelligent and insightful person. Once you figure out exactly what you mean about your ‘middle ground’ (such a broad term!) you’ll get your second wind and pick up the motivation to go for it.
Salaam, I was mugged a few days ago… I thought I wouldnt be able to sleep because I was angry….so angry. I read the Palastinians News which I got in the mail that day, my anger dissipated, I felt grateful.
*****HELP YOURSELF*****
TAKE A FAST WORKING ANTI-DEPRESSANT AND THINK OF YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN GAZA
Hey !
You know…I didnt think there were other people that felt like this.
I know exactly what you mean about the having to initiate things, most of the time its like that with me too.
Every once in a while I meet someone where it seems to go perfectly, but after time it stops again.
I wonder about the point of life sometimes…but have come to the conclusion that there is no point.
We just live, and can do what we want..but not really because we are limited by rules and money (or lack thereof)
The best might be find a place where you can start over and have a new beginning…new friends, new people, new places.
Im not trying to change your life…just making you smile:)
hehehe *poke*
Are you smiling now?
I too stare at the sky for hours. For the past week I have had 3-4 ‘UFO’s hovering around my house, they followed me home – kinda cool/long story.
“open minded highly liberal life view”
I can take a hint… ;_;
Though I don’t consider myself ‘liberal’ nor ‘conservative’, I am open-minded and more obscure than the typical replier. *sigh*
I know you probably don’t read my comments anyways but…
You are NOT alone, NEVER have been and NEVER will be. The world around you tells you that you are, but in the REALITY of life – you are not.
Get over it, you are not the only lonely internet-junkie dreaming of a better world.
And, ‘No pain, no gain’, it fits in sooo many ways…
Mona,
I don’t think there is anything wrong with being anti-social. I’ve been that way all my life. I spent years trying to force myself to go out when all I really wanted to do was stay home and read a book, sit on the computer, or watch tv. One day when I wasn’t expecting it I met this gorgeous, lebanese, extremely anti-social guy. We started hanging out at his house, because he hated going out too. Now we’ve been married 10 years, have three kids and we still sit around the house and bitch whenever we have to go out around other people. Stop beating yourself up. There isn’t anything wrong with you. You’re a hot, smart, Arab woman and one day you’ll meet the right guy and no amount of bitchiness will scare him away.