Did I end up like her?

I knew a girl from high school that used to sit next to me in most of my classes. She is Arabic, and a very nice girl from a well known family here. To me she was normal, well raised, nothing wrong with her, and she was born here.

A couple of days ago, my mother told me that her mother got sick and now has diabetes and heart problems because of her daughter. Because of what happened. Then my mom said, “did you know she was your age, but born in September.” I said, “yes mother, she sat next to me in high school and went to University with me. Not everyone in this world who is not married yet is 5 to 10 years younger than me!”

My mom then said, “well her mother has been asking me if you go out, see people, go to weddings and engagements, have friends, or just sit at home and don’t talk to anyone like her daughter.” I said, “aha.. and what now. You have someone to share stories with who have the same problems as you.. older daughters that are not married?”

The girl now is thin as a tooth pick, very anti-social, smokes 3 to 4 packs of cigarettes a day, and refuses to talk to anyone, not even the friends she grew up with and known since elementary school. At times I feel bad for her, and maybe deep down inside I feel her pain. I understand her pain. Yet, her story is a lot different.

About 7 years ago, her brothers beat up the guy she was in love with in the middle of the street. Her brothers thought he was playing with their sister. They didn’t know that she loved him and they were waiting to finish university to make it official. Well, her backwards brothers, that are born here, beat the living crap out the guy.

She quit talking to her brothers, and her parents kept going to the guy’s house and apologizing. They even wanted him to marry their daughter and that her brothers were just crazy and didn’t know. However, the guy’s pride didn’t allow him, and he refused. Till this day, the girl just goes to work, and back home. Doesn’t talk to anyone. Doesn’t go out. Just sits in the basement, watches TV and doesn’t talk to anyone.

Every time I hear her story, or remember it, I feel bad for her. I want to go over there and tell her, you are not the only one. It wasn’t your fault, but was he really worth it to stop life for him? Maybe he was. Who knew. I don’t know the girl personally, or was ever friends for her, but every time I remember her, I feel pain inside my chest. I feel that some of us were cursed. Life cursed us to feel this utter permanent pain.

You know, I have been complaining all along that I am 28, and no one likes me or wants to talk to me. Wrong. I just lie to my self and live in denial. I am the one that chose that path. Every time I talk to someone new and try to get to know him, I just ran away. I can’t for the life of me trust another guy or think of love again. Every time that I do, I run away. It’s no one’s fault but mine. I feel better this way. I avoid heart breaks before they come.

I know that not all guys are the same. I know and I heard that story a million times. But every time I try, I tell my self that there is no need to risk it. Don’t take risks again Mona. Don’t do it ever again. Because if it happens again, the result is not a heart break, but a heart attack!

I think Valentines day is around the corner. That’s why I am like this. I call it the day of mourning.. Not the day of shitty love. Love? What’s love? Once you fall a victim to it, you are screwed for life. You may end up like me! Who is crazy enough to be like me?

Confused, Culture, Depressed, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!