The wait
Over the past six months, my life has taken a different unexpected trajectory to the unknown. I used to always be in control of my life. I made various decisions that I felt were best for me and only me. I tried so hard to follow a certain plan that I thought was best for my life, but that plan started deteriorating two years ago, and it slowly effected the way I think life should be. As a result, everything fell apart and the plan absolutely failed six months ago, and I had to end it and end everything that came as a result of it.
Interestingly, I tell people that I never plan anything, but I do did have a plan. Yet, after so many unexpected events in my life, I had to end that plan with my own hands. It just didn’t work, and the more I waited, the more I was going to loose every ounce of dignity and patience I had.
Throughout the past two years, I learned the most about people. I can tell when someone is lying through their teeth, or someone proudly showing off their status in life, and true meaning of friendships. I also learned that love is a simple word that can be said, can easily lure you to become a victim of, and you cannot escape it till you learn to hate.
I know many of you will jump and scream at me for using such a strong word such as hate. But, what is better? To be strong and express your true emotions in life, or be a victim of people’s heartless emotions towards you? I don’t know if you will pick the former or the latter. Either way, it doesn’t matter. Your decisions in life are really no one’s business but your self.
Moreover, I became more critical of people’s words. I read far too much between the lines. I have to. I have to protect my self and my dignity as a human being. I learned to analyze every word and think of a thousand reasons of why they said what they said, and what is their real intentions. I am purely one critical person. However, some people may think it is offensive, and others, well, they argue back and prove me wrong. Those argumentative people are the ones that I love. They are the people that will never take no for an answer.
As a result, from all these self discoveries, I learned that life is not a plan you can set for your self on a piece of paper and check off every part that was “completed” as intended.
However, over the past six months, I learned a new important lesson in life. To wait. It has nothing really to do with how patient I am. Because I am not. But, what am I waiting for? I think the mystery of finding that out is what drives me to wake up every morning. Just the thought that maybe today something will happen unlike yesterday is suspenseful. My life has become a suspense story. I wait and I wait. It drives any normal person mad, but the more I wait for the unknown, the more alive I become.
I wouldn’t say I am happy, excited, depressed or sad, but nonchalant. If I didn’t care about my well being, I would be smoking heavy cigars and drinking ten cups of coffee a day. Yet, that wait, and nonchalant manner of living is what made my absolute nothing lifestyle a bit bearable. It is supposed to infuriate me, but what can I say, the wait is alluring.
Blah Blah, Confused, Random Thoughts, Sleepy Post, Whatever!
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Check out the song “Something’s Coming” from West Side Story — your ideas about waiting reminded me of the song.
Man.. I have seen that movie far too many times. This is the link to the song, (source). It is exactly how I am thinking.
GOATS! GOATS! That’s it! GOATS! Hasn’t any guy from the Mid East offered your mother any goats for you?! Okay, if it makes you happy……
I’ll offer your family 10 goats…10 goats… Okay, 15 goats, but that’s my last offer….
Now I’m just teasing…. but I’ve got an old girl friend who filled out her Yahoo 360 and put down that she speaks a ton of languages. One was an Arabic language. Boy until she changed that she got offers from all over… And I mean from all over. In like three months she had thousands of hits on her 360 page.
Look, you’re bright, intelligent, well educated and more worldly then most of the people one runs into. That in itself can be a lot for a person to deal with. Now granted you feel you should be moving along in life, but kick back for a moment and take stock of everything. Go read some of those books on your “direction” in life. There was one called, “What color is your parachute.” Not a bad book. Won’t give you the answer to the meaning of life, but it can give you some ideas to mull over about where you want to end up.
Remember…15 goats….last offer…
You need a hobby.
This post confirmed to me what I have been thinking for a couple of years now.. Our generation seem to be going through their mid-life crises a lot sooner than our parents did…
Heya!
Interesting, I’m also going through that phase, where the plan got derailed, and It kind of leaves me floating, just observing what life is going to throw at me next, it’s not all bad, sometimes you get given something good, maybe a new chance, a new life.
People are weird, and when it comes down to it, there may be only a few people you can trust, most of your friends, your family and definetly people you don’t know, will turn against you and probably laugh at your misery, because it seems to be human nature to survive no matter what.
I love your posts:)
Have a great weekend!
@Caledonian Jim
I will work on it!
@Ahmed Masri
mid-life crisis? So I will only live till around 50ish years old?
@dirk
you are so right! thanks for your input.
@G.D. Atheist
I want 30 goats.. please and thank you!
my initial reaction after reading this post is that you are a nutcase. but don’t worry, I think all women are crazy. Some more than others, I almost got engaged to one like that lol. but in a way it is what makes women more interesting.
@mahmoud
And yes, women are more interesting than men. At least we are not afraid to show it.
And I was with a guy for over 5 years, and he was exactly like you. I told him to fuck off when he started acting like an ass!
@Mona
. I like that you act like a hard ass because you are afraid of being hurt. Anyway I enjoy reading your posts.
I don’t think you know “exactly” how I am based on my simple post. And yes I read your past posts about this guy. While he did sound like an ass, it is your side of the story. I don’t know his to make judgments on him nor do I care. Based on your previous posts and the tone of your reply, you sound like you are flirting with me
@mahmoud
Lame answer. Try again.
Nope. Just the crisis part comes earlier. Life stays the same. And I don’t know about you, but I’m going to live till the ripe old age of 88. It’s been confirmed.
Second post I’m reading tonight, and I really enjoy the fullness of your personality in your writing. Your blog has really grown since the last time I saw it (it looked completely different). I am really enjoying this. You’re easy to relate to in a general sense–there’s no way we would have the exact same issues. But the feelings are very recognizable. Good job!