I was going down to the basement to get something out of the freezer, and I was able to hear my dad’s loud voice on the phone as usual. However, he was talking to those annoying telemarketers that won’t stop bugging the hell out of us. He was spelling out something for her, and yes I knew it was a girl he was talking to …

When I walked back upstairs, all I heard my dad saying, “3omrik ma tifhamy!” (Translate: I hope you “you in the feminine sense” never understand!) I was like huh.. why the heck did he switch to Arabic all of a sudden? Because he is my DAD! I just kept cracking up as I was walking back to the kitchen. He hung up the phone on her and was so mad. I was cracking up so hard. I needed entertainment for the day.. it was purely hilarious!

hahaha.. ahh parents..

Blah Blah, Culture, Funny, They said what?

Like totally funny.. Ah people.. they just lift up my spirit and make me laugh.. really..

Anyways.. enough about me laughing at people.. I want to go shopping for some stuff.. then I have to do a lot of reading for some stuff before Thursday.

Busy busy day!

Blah Blah, Random Thoughts

I knew a girl from high school that used to sit next to me in most of my classes. She is Arabic, and a very nice girl from a well known family here. To me she was normal, well raised, nothing wrong with her, and she was born here.

A couple of days ago, my mother told me that her mother got sick and now has diabetes and heart problems because of her daughter. Because of what happened. Then my mom said, “did you know she was your age, but born in September.” I said, “yes mother, she sat next to me in high school and went to University with me. Not everyone in this world who is not married yet is 5 to 10 years younger than me!”

My mom then said, “well her mother has been asking me if you go out, see people, go to weddings and engagements, have friends, or just sit at home and don’t talk to anyone like her daughter.” I said, “aha.. and what now. You have someone to share stories with who have the same problems as you.. older daughters that are not married?”

The girl now is thin as a tooth pick, very anti-social, smokes 3 to 4 packs of cigarettes a day, and refuses to talk to anyone, not even the friends she grew up with and known since elementary school. At times I feel bad for her, and maybe deep down inside I feel her pain. I understand her pain. Yet, her story is a lot different.

About 7 years ago, her brothers beat up the guy she was in love with in the middle of the street. Her brothers thought he was playing with their sister. They didn’t know that she loved him and they were waiting to finish university to make it official. Well, her backwards brothers, that are born here, beat the living crap out the guy.

She quit talking to her brothers, and her parents kept going to the guy’s house and apologizing. They even wanted him to marry their daughter and that her brothers were just crazy and didn’t know. However, the guy’s pride didn’t allow him, and he refused. Till this day, the girl just goes to work, and back home. Doesn’t talk to anyone. Doesn’t go out. Just sits in the basement, watches TV and doesn’t talk to anyone.

Every time I hear her story, or remember it, I feel bad for her. I want to go over there and tell her, you are not the only one. It wasn’t your fault, but was he really worth it to stop life for him? Maybe he was. Who knew. I don’t know the girl personally, or was ever friends for her, but every time I remember her, I feel pain inside my chest. I feel that some of us were cursed. Life cursed us to feel this utter permanent pain.

You know, I have been complaining all along that I am 28, and no one likes me or wants to talk to me. Wrong. I just lie to my self and live in denial. I am the one that chose that path. Every time I talk to someone new and try to get to know him, I just ran away. I can’t for the life of me trust another guy or think of love again. Every time that I do, I run away. It’s no one’s fault but mine. I feel better this way. I avoid heart breaks before they come.

I know that not all guys are the same. I know and I heard that story a million times. But every time I try, I tell my self that there is no need to risk it. Don’t take risks again Mona. Don’t do it ever again. Because if it happens again, the result is not a heart break, but a heart attack!

I think Valentines day is around the corner. That’s why I am like this. I call it the day of mourning.. Not the day of shitty love. Love? What’s love? Once you fall a victim to it, you are screwed for life. You may end up like me! Who is crazy enough to be like me?

Confused, Culture, Depressed, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!

I spend my time sitting next to my bedroom’s window, and looking outside at the sky.

The last time I went outside of the house was Monday. Yes, a week ago almost. I have been sitting at home in my PJ’s for the past 7 days. I don’t have the ability to even go outside. I just don’t want to look at people. I don’t want to see anyone.

When I did walk outside, I saw people around me walking with someone, talking on the phone, walking in groups, or holding someone’s hand. Now, I ask, why me? Why am I always alone? I can’t even talk to anyone anymore. I feel like no one wants to talk to me, or even asks about me.

I think at times that it really is my fault. I am the one that doesn’t call, email, or ask how you are doing. It’s my fault. I was always the one that did that and I guess people got used to it. But at times I think to my self, why doesn’t anyone do the same? Why don’t people ask about me? Why am I always the one initiating every step? Why do I feel that I have to work so hard to just talk to someone?

Then, I tell my self that it is my fault. It really is my fault. I am the one that is not happy with my life, and I don’t have the ability to look at someone or talk to anyone anymore. I even got tired of writing on this blog. People out there don’t understand me. They judge my entire life from a post that they land on from Google, and they think they can miraculously solve my problems. No one can solve my problems, because I don’t even know what they really are.

All I know know, lately, it has become hard to wake up in the morning aimless, and have no idea what to do with my life. No one out there wants me. I can’t find work, I can’t find someone to like me, I just can’t find anyone that even cares to ask how am I doing. When people hear my story or just read what I just wrote, then I am sure deep in their heads they think I am a failure. A total failure. Maybe I am. I really am.

I may sound weak, and so unlike my self. But I am tired. I really am. I can’t even cry anymore. My tears dried up long ago.

When I see the grey hair on my forehead, I look at the rest of my face and ask my self, did I really waste my life? Did I really waste my young life? I want to convince my self that I am like everyone else. I am a girl who just wants a chance in life. To do something. To be someone. To be liked by people. To be loved by someone. However, I can’t. I can’t even think there is a chance that it may happen. I don’t have any dreams anymore.

Now I know I will get many emails, comments, or someone message using whatever technological way of communication there is to tell me that they want to help. Or that they have amazing advice that they want to share. I am tired of reading everyone’s advice and stories. Most of you tell me the same thing. Most of you give me either the conservative view from an Arabic perspective, or give me advice from the open minded highly liberal life view that everyone should be living. Why can’t someone think of the middle ground? Why can’t I find someone that actually understands what I am saying? I am just looking for the simple things. I swear to God I am really a simple person.

However, lately, I just feel that I am but a simple person with blank dreams that I can’t fill.

Depressed, Random Thoughts

I wonder how it feels to talk to someone. Like really talk to someone and them listening to you. I don’t think anyone has ever done that for me before..

Depressed, Sleepy Post