I need to start looking for someone, or for new friends. The older I am getting, the quicker I am losing friends because they are moving on with their lives. They either find a significant other that occupies their time, they are moving on with greater and better things, getting engaged, or getting married, etc. So what does that leave me? Old and alone. So time to find Mr. Right, or new friends.
It’s hard to find single friends my age that are Arabs. 90% of them are married with 5 kids by now, and they are too preoccupied with family matters. And if you are not like them, or living a similar life like them, then you are not worth their time. They don’t want to deal with you or want a single friend around, especially around their husbands or boyfriends.
So what am I to do? I am sick of sitting home all day with no one to talk to. No one bothers to see how I am, or care to ask. Like really care to ask, out of their hearts, and not because they need something. They call me or SMS like crazy trying to find me because they want something. Why no one ever calls or messages me to ask me how I am? Maybe I am sick. Maybe I am dying. Do they care? No. No one does.
I just feel the days are just running by, and I am just watching. I keep asking my self, why me? What did I do to deserve this?
That’s why I am getting really irritated lately finding work. Because in my head, if I find a new job, I can find new friends, and new people to talk to. Something new. I just want to fill my time, and talk to people. The job hunt is making me so depressed and lonely. It got to the point where I ask my self, who will ever hire me again? What am I to do all day?
I keep trying to find something to do, other than write on this blog, but all I end up doing is reading books or watching TV. I don’t have the urge to do anything else or talk to anyone. I just feel that no one will ever understand what I am going through, and end up lecturing me or telling me their great life stories that makes me feel so low and insignificant in their eyes.
I am telling you, I doubt I will ever find work again. I quit my old job because I couldn’t stand working there anymore with the people there. However, I didn’t think that finding a job was that difficult. I quit the old job to give me a boost and better reason to find work. Yet, it is March now.
I can’t even go to the mall anymore or shop or anything. I just feel guilty if I ever buy anything. I am well off financially, but just the thought of buying anything makes me ask my self a million questions. Why am I buying this? Where am I going to wear this at? It is just getting frustrating that I am suffering from a horrible psychological disease again. No. Not depression. I suffer from that daily. However, now I am suffering from Trichotillomania.
If you are wondering what it is, I will explain it in simple terms. I keep pulling hair from my head from the roots. I do it uncontrollably and unconsciously. I used to do it way back, a few years ago, maybe 5 or 6 years ago, but now, I am at it again. My room is filled with hair. Long pieces of hair on my floor or in the family room. I just don’t stop. Why do I do it? Simple. My brain is actively thinking and won’t stop. The more I think, the more I end up pulling hair from the roots. It needs to stop!
I want it to stop. I want my life to change so bad. I am getting extremely frustrated.