Some things are hard to admit

It’s hard to change your life so drastically, and expect people to forget you or stop talking about you. That’s pretty much what I have been trying so hard to do. I try to forget names, I try to forget stories, I try to forget who I really was, and I work so hard to eliminate that part of my life from my head. You can say that I am really good at pushing people away, but I have my reasons.

People do like me. Actually, people who know me personally really like my obscure sensitive personality. What attracts them to me more is that I am honest, and I am always a mystery to them. I always wondered why they thought I was a mystery. I remember one time a friend of mine told me, “A lot of people were afraid to talk to you and you were not approachable at all, and you did not go up to people and throw yourself at them like other girls. Also, you were this exotic girl, and girls like you are known to be arrogant. Yet, once people got to know you, you are the best person to ever talk to, because you listen to them. You actually care about others more than yourself.”

However, there are always these traits in yourself that you want to eliminate. I no longer wanted to be that nice person. I didn’t want to only be the listener. I just didn’t know how to express myself, or tell people how I felt. I tried so hard to weigh my words carefully, because I had zero trust in people. Till now, I don’t trust people that easily. Finding a friend or some potential love interest is not easy for a person like me, and probably never will be.

Moreover, the mistakes of the past, or the people I knew from the past are the reason I despise my 20’s. I can honestly say, after 28 years of life, living in multiple countries, living in different environments, being a victim of living a double culture and balancing both out, and trying to figure out what I really want from life, the past 8 years has been the worse. People keep saying that their 20’s are the best time of their lives. But I say, that my 20’s are the worst, and I wish I can accelerate time and be 30 already.

Why do I hate my 20’s? I hate it because in this modern day and age, it is the time you spend researching what life really is. You are surrounded with different people, different personalities, you try to figure out who is a better match friendship wise or love wise, and if it is someone you want to always be with and trust forever. You are still discovering things about life and you cannot make up your mind. It is the time where you are hanging between two worlds. The world you were forced into, and the world you wish you were in instead.

I am not sure why I am having these thoughts and deciding to write them out for the internet world to read. Half the time I have no idea what I am thinking or why I write such things. Maybe it is easier to write things out then tell it to someone personally. Maybe it’s the “what are they thinking of me as I am talking” thought in my head. Maybe it’s me trying to avoid the face to face confrontations. Maybe it is my inner battle with the horrible personality traits that I carry. I know that I try to be secretive and non-approachable to avoid being hurt by others. However, I have mistakenly over the past 3 years of this blog venture, have said things that I should not have said, and people I know read them. Maybe I had to say such things, because I was slowly losing my grip of keeping my thoughts vaulted in my head any longer.

I wish I had more courage to speak out, stop ignoring people, and pushing people away. When I am in no mood to talk to anyone, I close all the curtains. I build a barrier around myself, and I don’t let anything in or out.

I am 100% sure that the reason I ignore, try to forget, or push people away is due to the fact that I am still trying to figure out what I want. If I am happy, then I can be happy with other people. If I am not happy, and I am around people who are happy or living a better life than I am, than I push them away and try every possible way to avoid them and even try to forget them.

Finally, what I concluded thus far, I don’t like the majority of things that I discovered about life and people, and that’s why I am not sure what I want. All I know is that I still have a long time to figure it out, and once I do, it will finally get me out of the continuous stressful daily life and mental instability I put my self in.

Blah Blah, Confused, Random Thoughts, They said what?