The moment I gave up trying

Oh yah, it’s one of those job hunting posts again. Don’t worry, this maybe my last one. And no, I did not find work. And yes, I stopped looking for work. You want to know why?

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Well, back in the day, I thought that maybe with my years of experience I would start looking for a more advanced position. Maybe someone out there will respect that fact. However, that didn’t work at all. Understandable, because I spent over 6 years doing nothing that is worth it to companies out there who need real programmers, and real IT experience. Sucks to be me. I know. However, it is more embarrassing when I don’t have the guts to lie or make up some crap of great things that I have done in the past. You try sitting in an interview and try to discuss pretty much nothing worth discussing.

Then, I decided to look for jobs that are beneath me, and ended up wanting to commit suicide that I even went to such interviews.

Last, which is the turning point of my entire life and realization that looking for work is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Impossible or just pure damn luck. You got the eyes to look for that needle. You got the patience to look for that needle. You got everything you can possibly need to look for that needle. But can you find it? Which is my life right now.

About 3 weeks ago, I went to one of the final interviews that I wanted to sit through. The job was an exact replica of the previous job that I had. It was in the same location almost of the same job that I had. It was the same environment as the same job I had. It was a job that I said to my self, “if I don’t get this, then I doubt I will get any other job, and I will stop trying.”

Now, 3 weeks later, I am hoping to God that they didn’t bother to call or email me because they didn’t have enough of an excuse valid enough to not want me. Or maybe I missed a call? Or an email was accidentally been filtered to garbage? You know, the odds are more likely that that would happen than someone saying, “you got all the skills, you did the same exact job for 6 years, but … ??”

For the past week, companies email or call, and before I answer them, I look back at the stupid job posting first. Because I am like any other frustrated person, I apply to almost everything, hoping that someone will bother to look at my resume. However, what I have been doing is emailing back saying, “if you read my resume, I have 6 years of experience, the salary is ridiculous and almost minimum wage. You are emphasizing you want a main skill that I do not have, but MAYBE will consider this and that skill. So why are you bothering wasting my time?” Yes, I am rude, and I have been rude to them. They deserve it because they are not only wasting my time, but they waste everyone’s time by doing this. I AM NOT A TOY you can play with! And yes, I am a girl and can fucking program. Is that hard to believe? I swear to God, if this has been all about gender, then I am quitting computers. I might go back to school and study psychology or sociology and get a PhD in them, and do what I do best, analyze people’s horrible personalities and messed up thoughts!

You can tell I am frustrated. You can tell I am about to shoot my self. You can tell I want to curse the day that I bothered to go into this shitty career path. You can tell I want to curse the day that I thought that maybe someone will hire me because I actually know what I am doing, and I got the exact skills they need. No more. No less.

However, and I emphasize, HOWEVER, it is all luck. Someone the other day on my blog told me that finding a job now a days is just luck. Pure and simple luck. Do I believe in luck? I never used to. I never one day thought that I have lived my life so far, and went through so many wild and crazy times because it was just luck. I believed that I built my own path. I chose and walked that path. It was not luck.

Unfortunately, the tides have turned, my thought process have been skewed, and I believe that maybe all along it was all luck. Maybe I have to wait for my luck. It’s like waiting to see if I will win the lottery. Maybe I will, maybe I won’t.

So why did I give up then if I think it is all luck? Well, because I got tired of dressing up. I got tired of playing the part of a perfect candidate. I got tired of repeating the same old stories of what I used to do, and pretend I was awesome and did great valuable things like no other. I just got tired, and I lost all that fire and energy inside me to go through it anymore.

I honestly don’t know what to do with my life. Financially, I am secure. My money in stocks, saving bonds, accumulating monthly interests, and my blog is earning me money to go buy a new shirt or two every month.

I am just missing that person or people that tell me every now and then that I am doing a good job. For someone to praise me for giving it my all. Maybe I just miss being useful and doing something. I just miss having something to do other than this and watching TV. However, the only reason I am totally not crazy right now, and not 100% at the edge, is due to the fact that I think there is more to life than this. I still didn’t find it. I still don’t know what it is. And I don’t think it is time for it yet. I just have to wait, wait, wait, and wait.

Angry, Blah Blah, Confused, Depressed, Idiots, Ranting as usual!