Weighing my life options
What happens when you try to weight both critical life options in the palm of your hands and try picking which one is more important, like job or marriage? Answer: you end up with a bad migraine and a mother who will never understand you. Actually, no one understands me, and I am trying so hard to keep it that way to eliminate the migraine!
Yes, I have been suffering from severe migraines. I do see little specs of light, and my head feels like it is going to rip from the inside and explode! That’s what happens when people only mention these two things to me. I get people who won’t stop talking about work, and keep giving me endless advice thinking they know best. So what do I inevitably end up doing? I ignore them until my mind settles and I am back to normal. I try to tell them, “ok, you know best. You know it all, but I am not in a state of mind to listen to it!”
Then, you got people like my mother, who thinks that it is about time I got married, because I am beyond old and I am approaching the God forbidden word, THIRTY! I have been forced to have this conversation with her the past week, but she won’t get it. This is her constant nagging:
Mom: “How do these girls find guys to marry, and they are much younger than you. They find a guy and it doesn’t seem so hard. Or they go on the internet and find them one.”
When I hear that, I want to shoot my self. I want to open the window in my bedroom and jump out of it. That way I can permanently damage a body part, and not have to hear her nagging me with the same phrase over and over.
I answer her: “I do not go out of the house. I am not going to find a guy off the net that I can only interact with through a screen. And yes, I blame you guys for all this!”
If you are wondering what I am blaming them for, then I will make a long story short, I ain’t going to discuss it ever on my site or to anyone outside my family. It is no one’s business how I ended up like this. The past with the ass hole was bad enough, however, the future is going to be a lot worse if my parents don’t change. It is not my fault I am stuck in a rut cause of them. It is not my fault that I am unemployed (they actually drove me to quit my job because they noticed I was about to crack, and they didn’t like my job at all from day one), and now I can’t find a new job and get out of this town. There are a lot of things that I blame them for, but it seems they don’t care. I also blame them for one last thing, the white or grey hair growth since I was 25. And yes, I blame most of it on being an Arab!
Mom: “How come all those girls have jobs? Why can’t you get a job?”
When I hear that, I want to go and lock my self in a room and scream my lungs out!
Mom: “How come your friends are getting married now. They are younger than you right? That’s why.”
I answer her: “How can people that went to highschool with me, and were in the same classes with me in University be younger than me? Mom, you are going to be shocked now, but they are older than me! I was the youngest one in the group. Remember I was born in December! And the rest of the girls I knew where 1 or 2 years and even 3 years older! Why is it that everyone that is getting married or engaged now is YOUNGER THAN ME?!”
That’s a scene I had in the kitchen earlier today. It’s ok. No damage done. Just some screaming and anger from my side, because my mother does not understand AT ALL!
That’s another problem that I suffer from. When you are stuck 4 months face to face with people, and you have no excuse to get out of the house. (Mine used to be work and school.) Inevitably, you start developing a serious personal problem like I am now. You start hating your self, hate interacting with people, and wishing you can accelerate time until you reach a point in your life that God has written for you that is just a tad bit different than it is right now!
Oh believe me, I am not angry. Why would I be angry? Angry is not a strong enough word to describe how I am feeling right now. Maybe a bit furious and about to explode. Maybe I am about to commit horrible atrocities on my self if I cannot resolve this problem anytime soon. Maybe my social interaction with other human beings is about to diminish, if it hasn’t already, and end up being anti-social like I was a few years ago. I honestly don’t know how else to describe my utter disgust from my life right now. If I say I hate my life, then I would be lying. I am beyond that state. I am far from it, and I am on the other side of the playing field now.
Some people would suggest a drink for me. It’s ok, I don’t drink. However, I went earlier to the mall and I devoured a Haggan Daz icecream in 45 seconds, and ate a Kit Kat Chunky in 1 minute. This is the first time I have eaten chocolate in weeks. I think the chocolate effect has worn off now, and that’s why I ended up writing this horrible post.
God help me.
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I tried to picture myself in your shoes and I think I would be feeling the same way, in fact I have on occasion. The feeling of being trapped while everyone keeps telling you to open that door or the other one and all you can say is..I can’t, I can’t force something like that to open just like that.
On a side note – I love Haggan Daz icecream
I’m sorry and hope things get better soon. Your story is very similar to that of my cousin-in-law; except most of the family (outside her mother) is trying to get her to leave the house. It would be so much better for her mentally. We think she became engaged to GET out if the house… Not good…
I can see your situation from two perspectives. I remember being your age and wanting to get away from my parents who were pressuring me about job and marriage. Now, as a mother, I understand where they were coming from. I try hard not to pressure my two adult children but am concerned for them. I want them both to have jobs that they LOVE and I also want them to have someone to love, but NOT just to satisfy ME. I just want them to be happy, but that may seem to them that I am pushing them to do what I want. It’s really hard as a parent not to want to help your children in any way possible achieve their dreams–both professional and personal. Hang in there!
I wouldn’t get married just because everyone else is doing it. If everyone else was jumping off a cliff would you do it too? Half of all marriages end up in divorce anyways. There are plenty of people out there that wished they never had gotten married and had kids. The wake up one day when they are older and alone and look back think what the hell did I do with my life. So many dreams put on hold to raise kids who turned out to be ungrateful brats.
Some people think the only way to be an adult is to marry and have kids but it isn’t and there is no need to give into social pressure and do something you don’t want to do. There are plenty of people out there that have never married and had kids but live fulfilling lives and are quite happy single despite people telling them they couldn’t possibly be happy. All I can say is your future happiness is up to you and you alone. It is not your parent’s responsibility to make you happy and it is certainly not their responsibility to find you your future mate unless you going the arranged marriage route which I don’t think you want to do.
By the way, it is never too late to marry. There are women and men out there that marry for the first time when they are in their 70’s and even 80’s for love.
i think a little feathered grey in the hair is sexy.
Enjoy the mid term in your life
I’m jobless and unemployed! Got no money to pay next month’s rent. My marriage is put on hold for external reasons, and I’m hanging in between.
And yea, I’m loving it! Enjoy it while it lasts!
Hola Mona, I know this a bit outrageous from my side
, but I was just wondering, Why don’t you move out to an Arabic country. In most capital cities cultural issues are no longer a barrier as it used to be. So it’s a two in one, you can immediately find an awesome job, and your English skills all adds up 
, these days its a huge credit and one of the most desirable skills, ooh and the economic crisis isn’t that bad, with exception to UAE of course. Plus you’ll be surrounded by people closer to you environment and lifestyle, it will be easier to fit in, and they’re deff far more open-minded than the ppl u describe in ur blog posts 
Eh,anyways just hold on, its not worth it
Best wishes ;D
@Maria
You reading my mine. At times I do feel like I should go live back home.. I know there is more opportunities there for an Arab!! Oh well, you can tell I am stuck here!
hmm i see, so is it becuase of a personal choice or a family reason?
OK, no advice, but please don’t hurt yourself. That would make me and the other readers upset. We are all rooting for you.
We know you will find the answer _on your own._
Remember, you were the one who keeps teaching us to stand up for ourselves in everyday life.
I know I am going to read the blog and you are going to married _and_ get a dream job. Also, I know that it’s going to be so much better for waiting. 30 is NOT old. It’s just not.