The one day I didn’t feel like crying & hating every tiny spec of my being
Weddings. Parties. Special love events. People being happy. I think I just mentioned everything that I have never experienced in my life.
Usually I would be suffering from the inside and wishing that every single cell of my body is deteriorated, but last night, the wedding party I went to was not so bad. I didn’t feel like I was old, hopeless and about to commit some self atrocity. Maybe I am today, but today is different than last night people. Hello! Anyways, so, I went to a wedding, and all I wanted to do was congratulate the couple on a wedding well spent. Everything about it was so overly done that I felt bad for the groom. Then I was told that both the bride and groom had to spend on this wedding. No wonder, I don’t think the groom or his family had that much money to spend on a wedding and put a down payment on a brand new home, etc. He was no doctor, dentist or lawyer. Not even close!
Don’t you guys love that we live in a materialistic world? Damn capitalism! It just makes us want more and more!
So I didn’t feel so bad. Usually weddings, engagements, anything of that nature, or just hearing people are about to get married, makes me sick from the inside. I want to lock my self up and not talk to anyone in this world! Why? Because I am like everyone else who has horrible luck. I can’t stand any happy event or hearing about it. I keep asking my self, why not me? What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong in my life?
Then I realized that my site is what people like to use against me or the only way to know what’s wrong with me. Umm. Thanks! That’s exactly why I made it. I suck at talking. You try going to a shrink and trying to utter two sentences together without shedding a tear. Yes, that’s me. That’s my life. So, this interweb, blogs, online diaries, or whatever you want to call it, is a place for people like me to say, life sucks. It really does. The majority of people who think they are happy now, will end up like me, or keep lying to themselves that life is great! Yah.. life is great! Bull shit! Wake up sunshines! Life is not that pretty and bright!
So, this morning my mom asked me if I am still looking for work, since I have not gone to any interview for over a month now. I changed the subject and told her that I am sitting on a bank. Do I need a job? What’s the point of working if all I do is rack up the cash for a rainy day. My rainy day has come, and I don’t necessary need one. What’s the point? Why should I just spend my life working? For what? What do I get out of it? What have I enjoyed the past 7 years from this work world and earning money? So I can just look at my bank account and see a large exponentially increasing number that I cannot use for anything fun or worth living for?
What’s the point of working if people don’t appreciate your work, and you get treated like crap? Being a girl is way worse because you get under paid, don’t get extra stuff like benefits or anything from your job, and never thought of as someone who can do something new and beneficial for the company. Especially if you are in the technology field, you are hardly trusted or ever taken into consideration.
Which brings me to a good point. Last night, we were sitting with these very old Lebanese couple that have been in Canada for over 30 years. The guy said this, “I am so proud of this generation of Arabs that live in Canada. Men and women, all getting educated and have power in their hands. They are more involved and have a name for themselves now in these lands. 32 years ago, more or less, the first Arab graduated from The University of Western Ontario. Now look at how many there are today. Something to be so proud of. Us Arabs are getting somewhere in this world. Who cares about money. Money comes and goes, but education is power.”
I thought to my self, ahh.. ahhh.. sure!!! Education is power! I used to think it was a 40,000 dollar piece of paper that is laminated and hanging in a kick ass frame on my wall. If this paper holds some type of super power, then I don’t see any shiny lights coming out of it. Not even a tiny spec of illumination! It should have been made to glow in the dark or something so I can believe it. Seriously.
Oh well.. my time has come to snap out of it, and just enjoy my long long long long long long long long vacation. It seems to be a continuing one. Maybe I should just create my self a job. It’s called self employment, but I rather call it, “when all else fails, hire your self.” Now I need a job title. How about, Online Content Editor and Communications Specialist. Now that’s a kick ass title. Who wants to hire me to do some consultations eh? I can tell you my secret of driving crazy traffic to your blog and always be in the 1st page of Google, and being in the top 100,000 websites in the world according to Alexa. Seriously, I am resting at 73,398 right now. Wouldn’t that be something that will increase your monthly website income, like me! I make money from writing about anything. The day that I start writing anything useful to others, is the day that I actually used that piece of paper for something beneficial to the world.
But isn’t writing about being a true Arab stuck between two cultures beneficial? Umm. Your call. I just have subscribers and readers waiting for me to crack every once in a while. Now those are the best posts ever! ¡Dios mío!
Blah Blah, Confused, Culture, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!
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I think that social commentator is a great title for you. It sounds impressive, and it’s the kind of title that very few people will be likely to ask too many questions about if they are not quite clear what it means for fear of sounding stupid.
Now I need to read a few more of your posts to understand what you have against love, marriage and happiness. I’m very curious.
well its a good thing you live in canada n not somewere crazy like saudi arabia n how come if islam is so important there that womans rights (well there is no womans rights in saudi arabia ) n they are all educated there so wheres the so called power that education brings ???
You know, the only thing i can really say that might help, but might not is well. Reading your blogs it kind of seems like your life has soo many hardships. Islamically its said that Allah places hardships on the ones Allah loves. its said that the pious people used to cry when their families were okay, their work was fine, their lives were great. Can you imagine such people crying for that when we would be like “alhamdulilah my life is fine” the pious people would ask allah ” Ya Allah if there is no hardship in my life where do i stand to you ?” Because a hardship only deletes sins or gives you a higher status in islam. I dont know if you care about this in the least, but im just saying either way its like those useful information you put away in your imaginary backpack of useful information.
salam.
@Charlie Hayse
hey islam always gave women rights, its the arabs and their culture that give them no rights ! and education wise, if they are educated they learn as people what rights they have and whats said about women in the quran and fight for it. & why would you think saudi is crazy? you only say that because of what the media and ignorant people say about it.
@Tina T
Heheheh.. cute title.. maybe I should work on it some more!
@Charlie Hayse
I was born in KSA.. umm.. one thing I learned growing up and living in this world, and interacting with the entire world through the interweb, don’t believe everything you hear in the media!
@Holly J
Ummmm.. ummm.. I love what you said.. no one brought forth that type of advice to me before. I know all about this and the hardships and what it means. It feels great that people are re-assuring me that I am not crazy, and I am only going through a phase, and inshallah whenever good things are meant to happen, they will happen.
knowledge is power.
power corrupts absolutely.
Get educated so you can take over the world
Education is not just the piece of paper as that can never explain who you are. You are much more than any piece of paper or even any bit or megabyte. Your heart is feisty, but good – just keep fighting, just keep pushing forward. Take the down times in stride and cherish the happy moments. Don’t forget to smile, but allow yourself to frown. Life is a rush, don’t let it drive you down while you ride. Insha’allah things will come.
Another great posts. I love reading wedding posts. I think weddings are so funny. My wedding was so simple nobody came. It was perfect.
I don’t know why I am so obsessed, but I loved the show Bridzilla.
Overall, I think you are right. Sometimes things just suck and there’s nothing to fix them. Money doesn’t even help. Yet, I still hope you get a job just so you have the option of quitting it and getting another nice vacation. Plus, it might not suck as bad as the last job, hopefully.
All will be cool. And I’ve love to know your secret on how to not work and still have money in the bank
I’ve been trying to set up my business in the last two months and already ran out of all my savings…I guess by end of this month I’ll need to get again into horrible 9-3 pm (hopefully) job.. Which sucks 
((
I remember someone said to me once almost the same phrases you just mentioned in this post “The day that I start writing anything useful to others, is the day that I actually used that piece of paper for something beneficial to the world”…. That person didn’t stop until now and he is now buying himself a new Honda CRV from his blog.
@Vancouver Cosmetic Dentist
That’s my plan! To never stop!
Salam Mona,
Hmm I can relate to you because I do not know at this point what I want to do with my life, professionally, either.
) for doing my doctorate. Not progressing since about the time you started your job search I believe!
I quit my job at university (which wasn’t amazingly paid either
So I can feel you.
). Maybe you are already doing so, and I misjudge you.
My advice, professionally, would be: Read a lot on job related things. Weekly journals on socio-economic and political stuff might be a source. do not stop where you normally would (like maybe global politics or literature or whatever), but search for the job stories. The job market. Science. Innvations etc.
Maybe the feuilleton if you think you might want to be a writer.
Do not limit yourself, but do not waste time. Try to find your “self”, the job you might want to do for 6 months, not for the rest of your life. One of the few top manager females in the country I live in, who I interviewed for a student newspaper, said her advice to me would be to dare try out things. To not think the job I take now is for the rest of my life.
You do sound depressed – my advice is pull yourself out of it (notice: no “try to pull yourself out”
If not: Take your time, but DO something with your time. Read whatever you consider potentially more beneficial than not beneficial in telling you what to do with your time. Maybe the career part of a weekend newspaper edition, or whatever day of the week these appear in Canadian newspapers.
Speaking of self-employed:
Why not? Find your niche. You’re creative? Approach theatres, performing troupes, artists in music or other domains and develop concepts in catering to their needs the mainstream IT consultant or web designer would not specifically adress.
Think of what you like to do and if you want to be self employed and creative for the months to come, find a niche.
And then pursue it. It does not pay off immediately, and the first months are tough. But it can be very rewarding. I have friends who specialized in jazz labels and newspapers and their sites. They were not IT specialists, but musicians (unemployed starving musicians in Paris). They taught themselves the necessary IT stuff in a couple of months and are pretty successful (and not starving) in their niche.
Regarding happiness and love life:
And not in love!
I can only tell you my story.
If you find what I say offensive or not interesting to you, I apologize.
You said you were not going out.
I did go out as a young adult. I went on holidays with my girl friends. My parents fervently opposed it, as you can imagine. They were understanding enough they had to trust me. I met my husband on the vacation, he was there with friends too. When we went to study in a different city (coincidentally the same one), we went out and spent time together to get to know each other. At first it was not official, and we were very afraid to tell both of our parents.
We are now together for 10 years. We met a bit more than 10 years ago and are married only for 6 years. No kids yet
What I want to say:
In my very personal opinion, the man from our culture a girl who wants to work and is self-determined and maybe a bit assertive and critical at mind and free-thinking would want is the kind of guy you’ll most likely meet outside. It s not that you have to go to foggy, smoke and alcohol cluttered clubs. (I tried it out but did not like most of them.)
There are other ways of going out and getting to know a guy that even some hijabi friends of mine have used in finding a partner (or finding out a guy who looked like a good fit at first really wasn’t). Going to a café with friends from university, hearing a concert..
I could not be with a guy who thinks a girl who’s out with friends to a nice café or Arabic restaurant at midnight is not a good choice. Most of us more self-determined ones could NOT live with such a guy, anyway.
Let me tell you about my smaller sis. She let my parents talk her out of going on vacations with friends, of going out etc. The guy she almost married, not knowing him well, was a disaster. Now she’s VERY unhappy, which breaks my heart.
But I must say she knows and sees how I found happiness. It was harder for me being the oldest child. It would be in her hands and courage to pursue this way for herself, if she wanted it.
I can say I am happier than I ever thought I would be, and the day, God forbid, something happened to the man I adore I could not know how to go on living.
Our parents might have been worried about our running around too much – in the end their trust was deserved and we found the ideal our culture normally should have. A very good marriage, and that at an earlier age than many of the people sitting at home being unhappy. And unwed
Oh of course we finished our degrees, very important in this culture isn’t it?
So what is worse I ask you: being out on the search for someone, or maybe on the search for yourself, and finding the significant other on the path. Or take a risk with a marriage, end up in divorce and unhappiness with unfortunate children. I do not know about Canada, but here in Europe Arab marriages are not as stable as the elder people would want them to be. The stable ones are those where the bride is imported, does not speak the language of her new home country, and is awfully dependent. Now that is an achievement keeping this marriage together! (Or rather keeping HER together.) The other ones, arranged or free-willed, where the bride and groom were not so free in getting to know each other often do not approach the 10 year mark my partner and I have reached. So what is worse?
So my maybe brutally honest advice, take it or not:
Be the master of your fate. Professionally and personally.
With much love,
Dina
@Dina
Hi Dina,
That’s the sweetest comment anyone spent time writing on my site, like ever! So cute. Thanks for the words of wisdom. I really enjoyed reading them and I really don’t know what to say. I do agree with you, but if you have been reading my site, I am depressed in a weird secluded way from people. Why I chose that path or ended up in that path, no clue. But that’s my life I guess. I will one day snap out of it. Really.
As for the paragraph before last that you wrote, about Arabs in Europe, Arabs in Canada are the same. It has become a trend here in Canada for Arabs to only marry someone from back home. They prefer it because the guy and his family don’t want to deal with Arab girls here in Canada. They think we are bad or are too much to handle. So they end up bringing someone who is below the age of 20, doesn’t speak English, because Arab men would rather “raise her under their hands,” as they say in Arabic.
Anyways… again thanks for your encouraging words, but it will take time. I just have to snap out of my mood. Again, thanks, and I hope you will always visit my site and give me your encouraging words of wisdom.
Heey.. oh I SO can relate to what you are saying on the “formable” girls. Poor things!
)) ) It takes a strong man to handle a strong woman, and vice versa.
You should know the best guys from the Arab lands grown in “exile” definitely want more outspoken and intelligent and independent women – at least many I’ve met. With the others – believe me, you do NOT want them! (Unless you find one you can reasonably form with your hands
I was not sure if it were appropriate to say so much ininvitedly. I will definitely visit your blog more often, I sometimes check it every day, sometimes forget for weeks. I’m a mess! Reading the other more recent posts after commenting here I realized your situation actually is more complicated, and you too. But in a good way.
I got insecure on what I’d written. So I am glad it did fit to say these things at least in some aspects.
I enjoyed your comment tremondously Dina!
I don’t believe you could have said it any better.
well can woman drive n vote n what is the religon police 4 ??if woman cant drive or vote thats crazy n i am a muslim just so u know n love islam i know theres good n bad everywere
@Mona that is true right that woman cant drive or vote n why is it that woman going 2 collage there have 2 watch there teacher on a tv cause hes a man they are all educated over there (woman)or alot of them but then how many of them are in the work force ?
but thanks 4 bringing islam out of it
Hi Amira!
Aaawe that s sweet, thank you so much for your kind words!!