Life is like a bag of awful tasting jelly beans
A lot of people have been asking me why I have been so cranky and overly depressed lately. Nothing that a hammer and a few sharp nails won’t cure, but seriously people, my life cannot get any worse. It surely can’t, and I didn’t want to discuss this issue, but when things are already as worse as possible, then you can’t help but discuss them. Maybe I should start off by discussing the past, to understand my utter frustration with my current life. Especially at my age where I feel that I had enough. I am tired of feeling obligated to carry on too much weight.
Around 7 years ago, I was forced to stay at this temporary job that I had. No one in my house worked at all. My father unemployed, my brother was receiving student loans (he was working on his second degree), and I was denied student loans that semester before my temp job. At one point, I felt bad asking money from my brother. The reason he gave me some money because my dad made him. Yah, great. So that summer, I took on this job to kill time, earn some cash, and not sit at home. The job was hourly, and after being a temp, I was hired on as part of the “team.”
That’s when things got really ugly. After working for a year at a very low wage, I was forced to use up that money to feed my family. It is kind of sad, but thinking about it, it was probably the reason I gained weight. Depression leads to eating, and that leads to not caring about other things in life. So I spent it working and eating. In the meantime, I was also giving money to the ass hole ex because he didn’t know the meaning of money. And boys like their toys and spending money on anything that they can show off with. Like cars, and gadgets. Long story short, I demanded my money back after I got sick of him. His family didn’t like me either because I was not a tooth pick, and was not white skinned. Arabs love to show off how great they are with an amazing history, but when it comes to something serious, like marriage, they want a girl who is white as snow, skinny as a tooth pick, with light eyes and light hair. Typical stupid Arabs.
So, things got better around 3 years ago. Father was employed, my brother was semi employed (part time), and I just worked and worked and no one gave a shit about how I felt or wanted from life. I blame my self for that, because I am not very expressive when it comes to telling people how I feel, especially to my parents. Telling them how I feel about anything is something I have to plan out in my head and make up some scenarios weeks ahead. By the time I try to implement my plan, my will power would have vanished, and I am back to point zero.
Around January of this year, the economy got a lot worse, especially for the US manufacturing companies. That’s who my dad works for, in other words, he does some high end custom business software for them. So, I spent it over panicking and trying to get a job just so I don’t feel bad, and the money situation at home would stay high. We would maintain our status as a middle class income family. My brother by that point was gone. He left last September out West where he got a nice ass job, and he has his own family to worry about. Yet, he still till this day complains about money and rent. I am like fuck. That’s why I don’t talk to him much, because all he does is whine and complain. It was not enough that dad bought him all the furniture that he owns now, and paid for 3/4 of his current car. No, he just complains and complains because he never felt that much responsibility. He is the oldest and most spoiled. He is the favorite because he is the only boy.
So, around the end of March, my father’s job was definitely in jeopardy. The manufacturing companies that his contracting company did most of their work were closing down. So they no longer needed my dad’s contracting services. My dad works from home for them, and he was pretty much finishing off lose ends. That was his job for about a month.
3 weeks ago, my dad’s contracting services were no longer needed, because the manufacturing companies were completely closed down. However, this time my dad saved up some money in US dollars. How long will it last? Maybe a year or so. My dad is not old enough, not even close to 60 yet, to be eligible for retirement. And me, well, about a month ago I gave up looking for work because I didn’t know why I was looking for work. Now that I think about it even more, why should I work? Why should I be the only one that feels obligated to work and pay an entire family’s bills. I just keep feeling that I will be stuck like this forever. I will never have the courage or care to say that I want to just have my own life. I just feel guilty to try to find my own.
Now, after all these years of working and just seeing money in my account that I couldn’t touch because who knew what will happen, is making me wish I had none. I wish I had no money. I wish I was not educated. I wish I was in a position that I didn’t feel that someone else needed me or think of needing me. I feel bad. I feel so bad when I know someone has no money or they are stuck in a rut. Maybe I just have this extremely good heart that I cannot find a way to tell my inner conscience to be selfish and stop giving shit about everyone else, and go find my own life.
I don’t know how, but it is a reason that I keep thinking about just getting married and go finding my own life. Or go win the lottery or something and buy my self an island with high speed internet. However, I don’t have the will power anymore to figure out what I want from life. I am just living it day by day. Barely spending any money. I barely have any bills, I don’t have a car, and I guess I always felt guilty or horribly wrong to buy one. That’s called selfish in my little messed up world. Yet, I keep asking my self, why did I work? What was the point to continue on and on for all these years instead of focusing on my self?
Also, no one has ever gotten me anything. I was never given a car or money for a car. I was never given money to buy my self a vacation or thought it was ok to spend my money on some extravagant self luxury. I just kept feeling that no one cared about me. She has a job, she can do it on her own. That’s when I felt that I don’t want to work anymore. Why should I? Why bother? Who cares. If I worked or not, I will always live my life like I can’t do anything.
This guilt thing is what is killing me. However, I am trying day and day to tell it to shut up. Just earn my money off this blog, enjoy my time doing nothing, or experimenting with some stuff that I like to do, technology wise. I don’t give a shit anymore about anyone or anything. I don’t even talk to other people. They give me a headache. I don’t want to hear their stories, or how they are enjoying their lives and their lives are moving along and new things are always happening to them. Also, I don’t even eat much anymore. I lost over 20 pounds that past 2 months, and I want to do nothing more than watch TV shows, and walk to the mall and buy my self a chocolate chip cookie and a cup of coffee.
I am trying to keep my self as low maintenance as possible. I told my mom, I got money in the bank. When you guys start needing it, it is there. It will be enough for a year or so. Because I surely don’t need it, and getting a decent job now a days is like winning the lottery, it’s all about luck. My mom works though from home, she fixes clothes and stuff. So she earns that extra cash to buy miscellaneous stuff. I never ask for money. I don’t need it. All I need is peace of mind and stop feeling guilty and obligated to please the entire world. My mom even told me that I am so polite, quiet, and a very good person, but people like me don’t survive in this world. I agree with her, because the way I am now is making me go down hill. Maybe it was all planned out from the beginning to end like this. My rainy day has come, and waiting for a shiny bright day now, is like waiting for ice to form in 20 Celsius degree weather. No way in hell.
Am I pessimistic or what? Is my life great or what? Yah, sucks to be me, but that’s my life. I have every single reason to complain about it. And I will from today till the day God feels that my life should change. I am tired of stressing about it. It’s not worth it anymore. Not at all.
Blah Blah, Confused, Depressed, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!
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this world is sometimes a downer, you could either become numb and waste whatever time you have away, or you can bless every moment and be thankful for each breath. so what if times are hard, its been harder in the past and we have prevailed.
i sometimes find a quiet little niche to cry in because the world is on my shoulders. thats just how i feel. however its not a depressing ‘oh i wanna jump from a plane without a parachute on’ sorrow. it is just this suffering that is bittersweet. buddha suffered because he witnessed the worlds suffering through the untouchables. however, he made all the sorrow in the world not seem so bad. plus a tear every now and then is kinda sweet. it shows many things, but mostly that you care.
so dont become numb to the pain, the pain helps us cope.
when you suffer from within then all beings feel the suffering and respect it completely.
barakat
Hey Mona, I saw a weird trend when I was reading your recent post.
The part where you said that no one has ever gotten you anything, and why would they? because you have a job and can cope for yourself. I partly believe that you didn’t want to work anymore so that somebody could take care of you. Its always great to be independent but its just as nice to know that somebody is there for you and can take “care” of you emotionally and etc. I dont mean to judge because no body knows what you have been through besides yourself. But I do believe that you have been hurt, and that from that hurt, it has become difficult for you to open up to another man without having those feelings re-surface again and once again feel vulnerable to pain.
What I can tell you is you need to start going out with friends or family and have fun. Depression feeds off of lonely-ness and being at home stewing in your own depression. One trick is to counter-act those negative thoughts! Stop them dead in their tracks, think about all the great things you have going for yourself and stop being pre-occupied with all the negatives.
Your a beautiful, intelligent strong minded woman. Look at all your great assets and concentrate on having fun and living your life. Good things come when your least expecting it, and I believe that god helps those that help themselves.
i tried calling u…call me? or come online?
Wow, reading this the only thing that popped into my head is VACATIOONN!! you know i really think thats what you need just go somewhere and shut down, even for a month or so clear your head. maybe you’ll find inspiration there.May i ask you a question Do you like children and helping people because theres this really nice website i went to where you can volunteer abroad for months at a time. I guess it would be cool if you think about it, forget about all your probelms and just help kids. Have you ever looked at children playing outsite and running around ? how they just run for hours without a care in the world which makes you smile for a while untill you realize how lucky they are for a short period of time where they dont get to worry about anything but you remember every problem you have. or if you dont care for that, just a simple vacation in a nice place with a beach or somewhere would be wonderful. I dont know have you ever thought about that ? Honestly i can almost feel what your going through, cause im getting out of my little episode where i was depressed and locked myself outside from the world, where the only place i could ever be me is at home. I want to try getting a little part time job and just save up for a long nice vacation. & hey one question, cause im seeing a moroccan guy i really like, and he really likes me, my roots are arab but im not fully arab (less than a quarter), he’s told his parents about me, they havent said anything yet. But he sometimes talks about getting married to me, My question is, because you said in your blog that if the girl isnt to their perfection they might not like her ? that worried me a little bit.
oh and the website is http://www.projects-abroad.org/ if you wanted to check it out.
Whatever I tell you now won’t make you feel better. And the fact that I’m some random Ukrainian chick from far away won’t add to the understanding between us.
Well, all of us are PMSing time from time. So don’t worry about it.
And by the way, people like you do survive in this world. And even become someone who brings impact.
And by the way (2), I’m not employed at a regular office job now either. And I’m loving it. Who said that only 9-6 pm job can be the job that counts? I would say, you have a job of being a writer and a blogger. That’s a totally valid job position. The point of work is to do what you love and to get enough money from it to get by. You have both. So, quit whining
) And think of all these poor people, stuck in the white-walled offices somewhere in the downtown Amman! Walla, their life is worse than yours. 
again, I truly know what your going through. Every time I want to buy or do something I have to think twice because of that stupid guilt trip I go through. I totally understand…sometimes I just want to stand on the highest peak of earth and yell my lungs out!
This is what pisses me off is when I find out about brothers pissing off and doing what they want, leaving the sisters to take care of their parents.
There’s a reason why they get double inheritance than a girl… and that’s too look after their family…which includes YOU!
I think I annoy my brother a whole lot because I act like a slacker (I like getting things done…and I actually annoy myself too) because he needs to step up and be a man, which is why I don’t do anything for my parents unless necessary. I love my parents, I would do anything for them, but I figure that the brothers get what they want (Car, house, etc.) they must work it off someway
I applaud you for taking this time off for yourself…sometimes it’s ok to be a bit selfish
Wish things were better for you. I have also felt like intelligence and degrees were a curse not a gift.
My wife studied the situation, and she agrees that getting a good job is all luck. Everyone who had it made had a lot of breaks for them that will never happen again.
It seems you got dealt a shitty hand, but I think you are doing your best with your situation. I hope you do get a job and that your father gets a new job.
I’d like to say you are unique with your problems, but you are not. You are intelligent & you are willing to sacrifice for others, but then you let resentment building when it feels no one is sacrificing for you. Sure, getting married will break this trend, but I fear you will just end up back where you are. Being selfless is a good trait to have, but deep down we all have selfish tendencies and sometimes that means allowing that selfish person to show once in awhile. Whether it’s buying something or treating you to a spa visit, and don’t feel guilty for it, especially if you are giving things up for others.
Hi .. You know i didnt read all of what you’d written cuz it was soo tiring hearing all that complaining n nagging. im sorry, but why do waste all of that energy on writing that kind of stuff, it’ll only make those negative parts a bigger deal n magnify them. think of what you actually have, health when there are ppl who cant talk, think or walk even. Do something productive with your life n think positively, look at the bright side n thank God bout the things you actually have, like a dad, there are a lot of things even if i start counting i wouldnt stop any time soon. if you’re bumbed bout the crisis in america, then ill tell you that in Islam, those types of banks aren’t used, we use an islamic bank with a different system that doesn’t cause the crisis that just happened, so ppl r now changing to islamic banks rather than the ones we say are ” rabawiya” i dont know the term in english sorry. So my advice is get your thoughts straight, cuz if i had your mentality of thinking bout things i wouldn’t be happy, n i don’t think you are. God is generous n he will give you more when you start to thank bout the blessings in life n those that you’re not aware of. Thank you
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I was waiting for the religious/think of others/thank God for everything speech. It took 24 hours for someone to come up with the obvious.
I am going back to sleep.
very heartfelt…no other comments
I’m IN LOVE with your blog!! You say it like it is and it’s MUCH more insightful than my ahem “20somethinginsight” blog. I totally dig this post and will be reading more tomorrow. I’m where you were. I hate my job but see no way to do what I love and support myself and its scary as hell wasting “the best years of my life” waiting for something magical to happen to get me out of my hell of a 9-6 job. Your “fuck em all” mentality is such a breathe of fresh air- and a wake up call. Nothings going to change until I take the steps toward that change and stop wallowing at my the desk I feel like I’m chained to. Thank you. I cannot thank you enough. I’ve been blogging erratically and honestly pretty pathetically recently (my closest friend discovered my blog and has basically ended our ten year friendship without any explanation whatsoever. So recently it’s been difficult for me to write honest and uncensored out of fear that she took my writing too literally and anyways, long story but it hurts and I don’t like writing ten posts in a row about how depressed I’ve been- and it’s hard to write about.) But question… how do you make money on your blog? Does this really work? (enough to slightly support yourself?) I have no problems with extra side work for extra money. It just seems impossible to get a second job when you’re already working 9-6 every day! When would I get to just LIVE!?!? Ya know?
@Heather
Hahaa. your comment is so cute!! How I make money? From the advertisements that you see. The more people that visit my site or click on the ads, the more money I make. I don’t make 100’s of dollars. But I make a bit of change that makes me happy and buys me some cool stuff!
I admire that you live low matiennece[sp] as possile, because that’s exactly how i wish live. Except, that obligation to please the entire world is probably something you should work on letting go. It seems to me as the world hasn’t pleased you, which is so cool, because i feel like school hasn’t pleased me and i am not looking forward to collee. HOWEVER, I wish that you could find a way to be at peace with your life!!
You’ve given too much and neglected yourself. That’s called codependency. That is why you always feel the need to take care of others. Set some boundaries, some expectations for yourself. You’ll start to feel better.