What is worse?
You are wondering why I am coming up with all these topics about Arabs and marriage and crap. Well, let’s say I have been inspired a lot lately, and I need to get a wide opinion from several people. Why? Because I want girls and guys, especially those that come from an Arabic background to not feel bad about the problems they face in life regarding these issues, and to not feel that they are alone.
Every time I feel bad about my self, or think, dear Lord, why me? I then hit my head against the wall and tell my brain to work again. I don’t use my heart to make judgments at all. I used to, and I am a very sensitive person. I cry easily. If I see someone crying, I would cry right away. If I hear someone saying sad words or sweet words, or whatever that is so emotionally touching, then I would cry. Never sit with me if I am watching a sappy movie, like The Notebook. The last scene made me cry like no tomorrow. That’s how bad I am.
So, I am very emotional, but also, I try my best to be very logical in my choices. I forced my self to be strong and not let my heart make the decisions for me. I decided that if I want to keep my dignity as a human being, I would then have to make logical life choices, instead of emotional ones.
I know many people suffer every day from heart brakes. That’s fine. We all did, and we learned from them. However, there is no need to keep repeating the same mistakes. There is no need to fall trapped in a world where you have to get married at a certain age, or you are screwed and people will start calling you names. When I turned 28, many readers know my birthday because I celebrate that day also the birth of my blog, a lot of Arab male idiots decided to call me names for still being single. Most Arabs know what I am talking out, and what exact terms they used, but I am just one person. I cannot change an entire culture, but I am trying to change people’s way of thinking about certain things, but to those who are willing to be open minded and understand that these issues are very common and very hurtful.
So, why is it fine for an Arab guy to be 40 and not married, or 40 and divorced, but a woman can’t? She is very much looked down upon and termed, “hopeless” or a “failure.” Why isn’t the guy a failure as well? Or can we really call it failing? If we all want to get married to someone we truly love, then we need to make logical choices. What do we want from life? Do we want love only?
A lot of people ask me or wonder why I am against love. I will answer it clearly now. I am against the idea that a relationship can continue on because of love. Love is not everything, and it is completely over rated in terms of a relationship. You can love someone. It’s very easy for many people to fall in love, but is there communication? Is there understanding? Is there honesty? Is there trust?
That’s what lacks in many Arab relationships, because of the problems that arise from no trust, no communication, and no honesty. If these things don’t exist, because of the closed mindedness and the clear differentiation of males and females in the Arab society, then there are bound to fail. However, because of the pressures of society, many females put up with it. Why? Why do Arab girls continue to lower their themselves that way? Isn’t she a human being as well? Wasn’t she born the same way as men, from a female?
All I know, and I am 100% sure of it, because I know my self so well, if I did get married at an earlier age, and I did it the traditional Arabic/Islamic way pretty much, then I would have lived a very miserable life. I am not going to lie, but religion plays a big deal with it. However, I would have been divorced by now. The problem is that I hate lowering my self to anyone. I hate being a victim of society and putting up with so much crap, especially for a man. Why should I? Also, in God’s eye, divorce is badly looked down upon, and recommended to be avoided. So, why can’t an Arab guy and girl get to know one another before marriage? Like know each other more than I studied this, I like this type of food, this is my favorite color, blah blah. No, more on a deeper emotional scale. Are they matched well as a whole. How can you know all that if there is a barrier and it is looked down upon if you try to before marriage? Why commit to someone before you go that extra mile to know all the answers?
Now another famous poll of mine!
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Blah Blah, Culture, Random Thoughts, Religion, Sleepy Post, Whatever!
wow I cant believe being divorced at 28 is equal in the polls as living an unhappy marriage. seriously I am an arab guy and I would rather die alone then be married to someone were the marriage is continously an unpleasant one with no remedies to the problem. Marriages will always have their kinks but if there is proper communication across the board and equal compromise.
@Salem
Just give the poll some time. Not many people in our side of the world are reading my blog. It is Friday night. And the middle east and Europe is sleeping.
You are a lot like me in the emotional area. Sometimes I don’t like it. I feel too sensitive. Other people’s pain becomes mine and sometimes it’s just too much. I always cry during the Notebook! The part where she remembers for just a few minutes then forgets again. That scene just chokes me up. Anyway I can only speak from the experience of just an average American girl who got married at 19. I met my husband in high school. I dated him and we married just a year after I graduated. It was by choice and I definitely do love him very much. I agree with you though. You see, love is absolutely NOT enough. I tell people that all the time. It doesn’t hold a marriage together nor does it provide the trust, honesty, etc that you need for a relationship to work. You need more. Marriage is work. It really is. I have learned this after almost 14 years! I can’t relate to some of the things you say because obviously I came from a different kind of life but I understand what you are saying. I do, and I absolutely agree with you. I think you know more about marriage then some married people!
lol
@Sandi
Me know more about marriage? Come on!! Maybe.lol I am just a realist and I don’t like my emotions to take over me.
I’d rather die single and happy than live married and miserable. I cannot imagine anyone thinking otherwise…but it takes all sorts to make the world go round!
once again i am not arab lol but what u mean make logical choces 4 love it has 2 be from the heart 4 real love n REAL love is understanding,communication,n trust n so so much more that the problem with most arabs (no offence)u always think logic what can he or she do 4 me thats not a marryage thats not anything thats 2 people who live n sleep togethere thats it its not love 4 sure love comes from the heart n the heart alone n you girls have 2 stand up 4 yourself why is it even like this i mean 4 muslim arabs dont it say in the quran men n woman r equal i love this subject
right now the only way a arab muslim girl can get 2 know a man is on the internet n she still has 2 hide it 
n i think what is best marrying some1 that u love 4 logical reasons (from the mind) or marrying some1 that u love from the heart ???thats what u say mona right u think with your mind not your heart !
Can’t have love without mutual respect in a relationship. Not sure whats going on in the Muslim world when the divorce rate in Makkah is at 50%.
Sometimes the best thing to do is just not to think about it and live as if you’re never going to get married. It sucks at first but can be somewhat liberating.
I know this is an overused cliche – but happiness truly is a state of mind.
Well I don’t know much about marriage and what not. All I know is I’m leaving most of it to my parents when the day comes for me to get married. But I know about being very sensitive and emotional. I cry at the drop of a hat. I hate it because it makes me feel weak.
@Lela theres a good chance yr be dicvorced or in a unhappy marrage lol
I think it’s wise to use your mind as well as your heart when looking for a spouse and I agree with you that love isn’t enough. All those other things are important as well and I was fortunate to find a good husband at 43 who was never married before either. I was happy single and it was a hard choice to make if I wanted to take that plunge, but once I did, I was determined to make it work–and so was he. It does take two to make a marriage. I like how you included that poll right in the post! Very cool!! I don’t know how to do that. This is a link to a post I wrote recently about getting married: http://zemeks.blogspot.com/2009/05/do-you-celebrate-your-proposal-date.html
Hey lady, I put that divorce was worse than unhappily married because even the most compatible couples end up with miserable stretches and I think that it’s very important to work it out once you’ve made the commitment. If both parties are willing to work hard and compromise there’s no money issue or argument worth divorcing over. But if someone’s cheating or being abusive, turn tail and run! But yes, obviously don’t settle straight off the bat for a person who doesn’t make you happy enough to counteract the bad times EVERY couple will face, no matter how logical the decisions.
Statistics so far have been quite interesting, and actually right on!
You know, my own brother told me once that I have high expectations in life and I will never find anyone to match those expectations and should lower them. I just stared at him and said “Why on earth would I want to settle for someone who is not right for me, just so I can say I have someone?” and he didn’t say anything after that. But I recently met someone who is simply amazing, we are going through a rough patch right now, but I still love that person very much. I didn’t need to lower my expectation or standards to anyone because somewhere out there, there is someone waiting for you. It’s just it’s not the right time to meet them.
So people are pressuring you about it, whatever, it’s their loss and not yours. Live your life the way you want it and not what others want out of your life.
@Liane
Thanks for your sweet words.
Salam Mona,
how are you?
Excellent blog entry.
So true!
I have an Italian saying you might like:
“Meglio sola che mal accompagnata.”
“Better alone than badly accompanied”, in the sense of being in a relationship (both adjectives female connotation).
.
(If you’re interested and don’t speak Italian you read it like it s written with very open vowels, meglio “better” you read like “mel-yo”; che as a strong “ké” and accompagnata the “gn” is (akkompa)”-nyata” (the same “n” as in Spanish “carino”.).
Are you telling me these sorry guys told you sp*nster at age 28?? LOL since when is it an achievement to find an Arab man strictly for marriage? Come on everybody could do it if they WANTED it (and had no expectations too high..).
I know quite a handful of GREAT guys, not all Arab, some Turks or Kurds, who get told pretty much by their families too for not being married whilst approaching their 30s. It IS way easier for them – but I see them suffer pretty silently. Like no one is pressuring them SO badly, but they do feel like failures on the inside. And to me these are the best – not those who married in a hurry at 18 and did nothing with their lives – men who really try to make sense of their lives and existence.
It’s so sad, but everyone can only make a difference for themselves.
You know what when my Mom did not yet know there was somebody in my life, and my sis talked to her about marriage, I was around 25 and my sis was 21 – Mom said for me it was “getting pretty late”. I laughed at it, but even if you don’t want to let it happen it does get to you a bit, right? Like you feel “I’m not old – and I’m GREAT!!”
@Dina
me like. I feel like using it from now on my site.. lol 
I know Spanish, so the pronouncation is almost the same and very easy for me! Very nice quote..
Are you tired of being the victim? Now is the time to understand the forces that have been pushing and pulling you all your life. You have to take control of your life stop running in circles, read The Power of Self Separation you have to start understanding yourself before you can change.
@Carl
umm.. ok
You are right, Mona. Like someone said: ‘Nobody is worth crying over, and the person who is worthy of your tears will not make you cry anyway’
Stay by your beliefs, because that’s all we have girl. I know there is guy out there for you. Not all Arab guys are like that, when they love someone, they accept you for who you are. I wish you happiness more than anything, as I know marriage is not everything in life, but a big part of it
Marriage is seen like a dumpy lil thing you have to do due to cultural norms and such. being a single arab female entrepreneur i wouldn’t see why guys aren’t picking you like a fig from a tree. for me conforming to one persons way of life or track of mind is difficult and it requires mutual support.
i believe love can affectionately continue a relationship, it takes ingenuity and innovation on behalf of the lover to keep it interesting, and to say, to keep the piano tuned.
barakat
@Brian
They don’t like me because I express my self and tell them I don’t like … whatever. You know what I mean. This is reality. This is the mentality of most Arabs.
Firstly, check this – you might like it! – http://www.kabobfest.com/2009/03/13-arab-men-you-should-never-date.html.
Secondly, I always used to believe that first you should find yourself, discover who you are and settle in life by yourself and then find a person to share life with. But recently my father (who is not an Arab, but Ukrainian btw) challenged me by saying that it is more important to find that someone with whom you can share your life with first, and then focus on settling yourself, figuring out what you want to do in life and stuff. Maybe that’s because my Dad got married when he was 20 and is happy with my mom. Somehow I started to understand his point in the last few months. Anyways, it’s a random thought on the topic.
But yea, I agree with you: if you have not found that one man who will be ur husband, don’t jump into marriage. You’ll regret it. Holding my fingers crossed so that some nice Arab man reads this blogpost of yours, and falls in love with you, and you with him and you’ll be happy ever after
Greets from Amman (+30 here now..)
@Oksana
The article was hilarious! I would say that I met over half of those, maybe almost all of them in my life. lol
@ Oksana, they forgot the stalker type
Actually, I am in trouble big time, cause I don’t like when guys wax, or tweeze their eyebrows meaning hair is good, and I love the accent. The charming prince who smokes argileh, is sweet like honey, with lots of hair, attitude and a big heart like all Middle Easterners….hehe
I would say being unhappy with the direction your life is headed, at any age, is bad. If you’re divorced but happy with the result (away from an abusive or cruel partner) that’s all that should matter.
BTW, the “if men do it, it’s okay vs. if women do it, they’re scum” sucks in every culture.
Seriously what is with you and bashing Arabs?
Like I don’t get it you’re parents may have treated you badly or given you the wrong idea of how an Arabic family is meant to be brought up but I don’t think i know any single Arab that is as miserable as you are.
I love the idea of the way we get married, I’m 18 and not planning to get married till after I’m done with uni and worked a little but like I think it’s cool that we get married young as women.. if your Muslim then this helps a lot.
Even in the west as I’ve lived in Kansas since i was born women that are in their thirties and forties unmarried and single aren’t really happy there was a segment on Dr Phil about this I wonder if I can find the link.. but yeah it’s not JUST Arabs that have these views, you are either a really unhappy women, really insecure or you’re simply not really of Arab ethnicity.
@Nadia
Hello 18 year old Nadia. What was in this post that made it seem so anti-Arab? Are you for real or you cannot understand what I write? If everyone else can, and you can’t, then there must be something wrong with you. Seriously.
@Mona
It wasn’t just this post also one of your quite older posts about the things you hate about Arabs.. i don’t understand why you think their so horrible??
Maybe I did go a little over the top but it just kind of frustrates me how you can hate your own people.. I don’t like it.
@Nadia
I will say this for the final time. To you and everyone else. I DO NOT HATE ARABS! Get that in your tiny little brain!