A lot of people have been asking me why I have been so cranky and overly depressed lately. Nothing that a hammer and a few sharp nails won’t cure, but seriously people, my life cannot get any worse. It surely can’t, and I didn’t want to discuss this issue, but when things are already as worse as possible, then you can’t help but discuss them. Maybe I should start off by discussing the past, to understand my utter frustration with my current life. Especially at my age where I feel that I had enough. I am tired of feeling obligated to carry on too much weight.

Around 7 years ago, I was forced to stay at this temporary job that I had. No one in my house worked at all. My father unemployed, my brother was receiving student loans (he was working on his second degree), and I was denied student loans that semester before my temp job. At one point, I felt bad asking money from my brother. The reason he gave me some money because my dad made him. Yah, great. So that summer, I took on this job to kill time, earn some cash, and not sit at home. The job was hourly, and after being a temp, I was hired on as part of the “team.”

That’s when things got really ugly. After working for a year at a very low wage, I was forced to use up that money to feed my family. It is kind of sad, but thinking about it, it was probably the reason I gained weight. Depression leads to eating, and that leads to not caring about other things in life. So I spent it working and eating. In the meantime, I was also giving money to the ass hole ex because he didn’t know the meaning of money. And boys like their toys and spending money on anything that they can show off with. Like cars, and gadgets. Long story short, I demanded my money back after I got sick of him. His family didn’t like me either because I was not a tooth pick, and was not white skinned. Arabs love to show off how great they are with an amazing history, but when it comes to something serious, like marriage, they want a girl who is white as snow, skinny as a tooth pick, with light eyes and light hair. Typical stupid Arabs.

So, things got better around 3 years ago. Father was employed, my brother was semi employed (part time), and I just worked and worked and no one gave a shit about how I felt or wanted from life. I blame my self for that, because I am not very expressive when it comes to telling people how I feel, especially to my parents. Telling them how I feel about anything is something I have to plan out in my head and make up some scenarios weeks ahead. By the time I try to implement my plan, my will power would have vanished, and I am back to point zero.

Around January of this year, the economy got a lot worse, especially for the US manufacturing companies. That’s who my dad works for, in other words, he does some high end custom business software for them. So, I spent it over panicking and trying to get a job just so I don’t feel bad, and the money situation at home would stay high. We would maintain our status as a middle class income family. My brother by that point was gone. He left last September out West where he got a nice ass job, and he has his own family to worry about. Yet, he still till this day complains about money and rent. I am like fuck. That’s why I don’t talk to him much, because all he does is whine and complain. It was not enough that dad bought him all the furniture that he owns now, and paid for 3/4 of his current car. No, he just complains and complains because he never felt that much responsibility. He is the oldest and most spoiled. He is the favorite because he is the only boy.

So, around the end of March, my father’s job was definitely in jeopardy. The manufacturing companies that his contracting company did most of their work were closing down. So they no longer needed my dad’s contracting services. My dad works from home for them, and he was pretty much finishing off lose ends. That was his job for about a month.

3 weeks ago, my dad’s contracting services were no longer needed, because the manufacturing companies were completely closed down. However, this time my dad saved up some money in US dollars. How long will it last? Maybe a year or so. My dad is not old enough, not even close to 60 yet, to be eligible for retirement. And me, well, about a month ago I gave up looking for work because I didn’t know why I was looking for work. Now that I think about it even more, why should I work? Why should I be the only one that feels obligated to work and pay an entire family’s bills. I just keep feeling that I will be stuck like this forever. I will never have the courage or care to say that I want to just have my own life. I just feel guilty to try to find my own.

Now, after all these years of working and just seeing money in my account that I couldn’t touch because who knew what will happen, is making me wish I had none. I wish I had no money. I wish I was not educated. I wish I was in a position that I didn’t feel that someone else needed me or think of needing me. I feel bad. I feel so bad when I know someone has no money or they are stuck in a rut. Maybe I just have this extremely good heart that I cannot find a way to tell my inner conscience to be selfish and stop giving shit about everyone else, and go find my own life.

I don’t know how, but it is a reason that I keep thinking about just getting married and go finding my own life. Or go win the lottery or something and buy my self an island with high speed internet. However, I don’t have the will power anymore to figure out what I want from life. I am just living it day by day. Barely spending any money. I barely have any bills, I don’t have a car, and I guess I always felt guilty or horribly wrong to buy one. That’s called selfish in my little messed up world. Yet, I keep asking my self, why did I work? What was the point to continue on and on for all these years instead of focusing on my self?

Also, no one has ever gotten me anything. I was never given a car or money for a car. I was never given money to buy my self a vacation or thought it was ok to spend my money on some extravagant self luxury. I just kept feeling that no one cared about me. She has a job, she can do it on her own. That’s when I felt that I don’t want to work anymore. Why should I? Why bother? Who cares. If I worked or not, I will always live my life like I can’t do anything.

This guilt thing is what is killing me. However, I am trying day and day to tell it to shut up. Just earn my money off this blog, enjoy my time doing nothing, or experimenting with some stuff that I like to do, technology wise. I don’t give a shit anymore about anyone or anything. I don’t even talk to other people. They give me a headache. I don’t want to hear their stories, or how they are enjoying their lives and their lives are moving along and new things are always happening to them. Also, I don’t even eat much anymore. I lost over 20 pounds that past 2 months, and I want to do nothing more than watch TV shows, and walk to the mall and buy my self a chocolate chip cookie and a cup of coffee.

I am trying to keep my self as low maintenance as possible. I told my mom, I got money in the bank. When you guys start needing it, it is there. It will be enough for a year or so. Because I surely don’t need it, and getting a decent job now a days is like winning the lottery, it’s all about luck. My mom works though from home, she fixes clothes and stuff. So she earns that extra cash to buy miscellaneous stuff. I never ask for money. I don’t need it. All I need is peace of mind and stop feeling guilty and obligated to please the entire world. My mom even told me that I am so polite, quiet, and a very good person, but people like me don’t survive in this world. I agree with her, because the way I am now is making me go down hill. Maybe it was all planned out from the beginning to end like this. My rainy day has come, and waiting for a shiny bright day now, is like waiting for ice to form in 20 Celsius degree weather. No way in hell.

Am I pessimistic or what? Is my life great or what? Yah, sucks to be me, but that’s my life. I have every single reason to complain about it. And I will from today till the day God feels that my life should change. I am tired of stressing about it. It’s not worth it anymore. Not at all.

Blah Blah, Confused, Depressed, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!

Weddings. Parties. Special love events. People being happy. I think I just mentioned everything that I have never experienced in my life.

Usually I would be suffering from the inside and wishing that every single cell of my body is deteriorated, but last night, the wedding party I went to was not so bad. I didn’t feel like I was old, hopeless and about to commit some self atrocity. Maybe I am today, but today is different than last night people. Hello! Anyways, so, I went to a wedding, and all I wanted to do was congratulate the couple on a wedding well spent. Everything about it was so overly done that I felt bad for the groom. Then I was told that both the bride and groom had to spend on this wedding. No wonder, I don’t think the groom or his family had that much money to spend on a wedding and put a down payment on a brand new home, etc. He was no doctor, dentist or lawyer. Not even close!

Don’t you guys love that we live in a materialistic world? Damn capitalism! It just makes us want more and more!

So I didn’t feel so bad. Usually weddings, engagements, anything of that nature, or just hearing people are about to get married, makes me sick from the inside. I want to lock my self up and not talk to anyone in this world! Why? Because I am like everyone else who has horrible luck. I can’t stand any happy event or hearing about it. I keep asking my self, why not me? What’s wrong with me? What did I do wrong in my life?

Then I realized that my site is what people like to use against me or the only way to know what’s wrong with me. Umm. Thanks! That’s exactly why I made it. I suck at talking. You try going to a shrink and trying to utter two sentences together without shedding a tear. Yes, that’s me. That’s my life. So, this interweb, blogs, online diaries, or whatever you want to call it, is a place for people like me to say, life sucks. It really does. The majority of people who think they are happy now, will end up like me, or keep lying to themselves that life is great! Yah.. life is great! Bull shit! Wake up sunshines! Life is not that pretty and bright!

So, this morning my mom asked me if I am still looking for work, since I have not gone to any interview for over a month now. I changed the subject and told her that I am sitting on a bank. Do I need a job? What’s the point of working if all I do is rack up the cash for a rainy day. My rainy day has come, and I don’t necessary need one. What’s the point? Why should I just spend my life working? For what? What do I get out of it? What have I enjoyed the past 7 years from this work world and earning money? So I can just look at my bank account and see a large exponentially increasing number that I cannot use for anything fun or worth living for?

What’s the point of working if people don’t appreciate your work, and you get treated like crap? Being a girl is way worse because you get under paid, don’t get extra stuff like benefits or anything from your job, and never thought of as someone who can do something new and beneficial for the company. Especially if you are in the technology field, you are hardly trusted or ever taken into consideration.

Which brings me to a good point. Last night, we were sitting with these very old Lebanese couple that have been in Canada for over 30 years. The guy said this, “I am so proud of this generation of Arabs that live in Canada. Men and women, all getting educated and have power in their hands. They are more involved and have a name for themselves now in these lands. 32 years ago, more or less, the first Arab graduated from The University of Western Ontario. Now look at how many there are today. Something to be so proud of. Us Arabs are getting somewhere in this world. Who cares about money. Money comes and goes, but education is power.”

I thought to my self, ahh.. ahhh.. sure!!! Education is power! I used to think it was a 40,000 dollar piece of paper that is laminated and hanging in a kick ass frame on my wall. If this paper holds some type of super power, then I don’t see any shiny lights coming out of it. Not even a tiny spec of illumination! It should have been made to glow in the dark or something so I can believe it. Seriously.

Oh well.. my time has come to snap out of it, and just enjoy my long long long long long long long long vacation. It seems to be a continuing one. Maybe I should just create my self a job. It’s called self employment, but I rather call it, “when all else fails, hire your self.” Now I need a job title. How about, Online Content Editor and Communications Specialist. Now that’s a kick ass title. Who wants to hire me to do some consultations eh? I can tell you my secret of driving crazy traffic to your blog and always be in the 1st page of Google, and being in the top 100,000 websites in the world according to Alexa. Seriously, I am resting at 73,398 right now. Wouldn’t that be something that will increase your monthly website income, like me! I make money from writing about anything. The day that I start writing anything useful to others, is the day that I actually used that piece of paper for something beneficial to the world.

But isn’t writing about being a true Arab stuck between two cultures beneficial? Umm. Your call. I just have subscribers and readers waiting for me to crack every once in a while. Now those are the best posts ever! ¡Dios mío!

Blah Blah, Confused, Culture, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!

I should be the last person on earth to be asked this question, but people always message me asking, “what is your take on arranged marriages in Islam?”

All I can say, it still happens and it will never change. Do I agree with it? It all depends on your personality and the way you were raised. Not everyone follows it. The world changed so much, that parents or families in general don’t necessary force it at all. They prefer that their sons and daughters find their other half through a process of love. The reason such liberalism in thinking regarding such a sensitive topic in our modern times is more common, is due to the fact that the previous generation, or our parent’s generation, has suffered from these arranged marriages.

Life came to a point that it was rushing so fast. More women were educated, becoming more liberated, and are working and helping out with the family’s income. So, their “role” in the family changed drastically, but the mentality of the way many people perceive it till now has not. That’s how problems arise from these arranged marriages and the overall perception of it.

[source]

Do I think Muslims ever marry out of love then if they go through the process of arranged marriages? Umm…

Many people, especially Muslims, till now believe arranged marriages are better. The groom and bride are forced to believe that love develops after marriage. It should never be before that. That’s fine. The way Muslims perceive it, love can easily fool someone’s emotions, and the devil will occupy those two people and cause them to commit sinful actions. Which is true, it happens a lot, and God does not forgive such actions. It is even a sin in other religions, not just Islam. But I believe that people who end up in such a position because they are very weak. They are weak in personality and faith. If all Muslims followed only the basics of their religion, then no one would have to worry about arranged marriages or forcing a girl to marry too young, or any other weird story that many people hear about every day. However, there is always evil in this world that messes up people’s judgments.

Do I believe in arranged marriages in general? Umm…

If we want to base this on the great method of keeping up with damn statistics, and personal experiences from you, yes you the reader, then, ah, I hear about breakups and divorces more than anything in our world. In Canada, the divorce rate is hovering around 38% yearly, and in the United States, around 45%. Isn’t that a bit too high? Seriously, if the majority of those people married out of love, spent so much money on a wedding, home, furniture, appliances, and even procreating, then why in the world did it end in divorce? Wasn’t it a marriage based on love? So what would be the odds that an arranged marriage is better or worse than that?

For arranged marriages, I don’t know what the statistics are, but I got many people telling me, the odds of marrying out of love or arranged marriage is almost the same, and most likely the same number of people will end up in divorce. Therefore, don’t think arranged marriages are such a bad thing. Like I said, you are asking me, Mona, if I think it is ok. I think marriage in general is not ok! I am anti-marriage and anti-love. Happy? No, I am just joking I swear, but many of you already know my take on this whole marriage business. It ain’t easy, and I am old enough to know that a person needs to control their emotions and think before signing their life away, and be part of someone else’s life. I like things to last forever, and I am not willing to jump into the band wagon because everyone else is. And I believe that resorting to an arranged marriage is like accepting vanilla over chocolate, and I damn love my chocolates!!

For the final time, marriage is different people. Arranged or out of love, married life is SO different. So, this question that people keep asking me, and thinking that it is so backwards and our religion is so oppressing for women, and life, etc, need to really stop. There is no right answer. It is all based on experience, and I experienced neither to really come up with a really really good answer. All I know that love is over rated. Life is a lot more than that, and we should never let our emotions take over logical life choices.

I keep hearing Syrians or even Lebanese saying this regarding marriage, “Marriage is like a watermelon. You don’t know how it tastes like till you open it. It could be sweet or sour. You never know.”

HOWEVER! I can sense the odd few anal people right now that will counter argue that phrase! They will say that you can pick the exact sweet type of watermelon. Science changed things. . . Blah blah blah .. spare me .. spare me this argument. It is pointless!

Advice, Blah Blah, Culture, Random Thoughts, Religion, Sleepy Post, They said what?

Today is Blog About Palestine Day. An event that was introduced by a great Palestinian blogger that uses the online pseudonym Za3tar.

If you guys are wondering why this day was chosen, and you lack the knowledge of the history of Palestine, then I got one date for you: May 15, 1948. You do the math, and remember what happened, because we will never forget.

I didn’t know what to say really. I think I talk enough about it throughout the year. Yesterday, I have talked about a silly event that happened online with other Arabs who don’t really care about our whereabouts. We are just a number to them that live, die, or are born somewhere in this world.

So, enough said. I decided that maybe I should tell people that I am here through some self portraits. Unfortunately, I am very far away from my land, but I believe that being Palestinian is pretty damn awesome.

You try and live your life knowing that you are something else. You withhold dear to you more than just a name. Your blood is always boiling and have this fiery essence burning inside you. You feel obligated that you have to tell the world that you are here and you will NEVER give up! It is amazing, and I can’t find anymore words to describe being one.

And to finish this off, a lovely poem by Mahmoud Darwish. May he rest in peace.

I Come From There

I come from there and I have memories
Born as mortals are, I have a mother
And a house with many windows,
I have brothers, friends,
And a prison cell with a cold window.
Mine is the wave, snatched by sea-gulls,
I have my own view,
And an extra blade of grass.
Mine is the moon at the far edge of the words,
And the bounty of birds,
And the immortal olive tree.
I walked this land before the swords
Turned its living body into a laden table.

I come from there. I render the sky unto her mother
When the sky weeps for her mother.
And I weep to make myself known
To a returning cloud.
I learnt all the words worthy of the court of blood
So that I could break the rule.
I learnt all the words and broke them up
To make a single word: Homeland…..

Updated: Za3tar posted this amazing article about ancient history of the Palestinian land that people in the world ignore. Why ignore ancient history? It is for all of us to learn about.

Angry, Culture, Palestine, Random Thoughts, Thank you, They said what?, Whatever!

Again, I don’t want to get into politics, nationalism, or anything of that nature. However, someone the other day has decided to insult my view points about some stupid entertainment topic in a strictly Arabic forum, by saying that the reason I like this person or dislike that person because I am a fucking Palestinian bitch.

You see, I would rather have people insult me for being me. I could be stupid. I could be a fucking bitch. I can be anything. However, sticking in Palestinian is really uncalled for. Many of you will go on and say the following:

1. They were probably not Arabs, but Israelis or whatever who are against Palestinian. (Obviously everyone’s stupid answer because they don’t want to admit that there are shitty Arabs out there that come from closed minded nations with no respect to anyone. They think they are the only Arabs. And I am blowing this out of proportion. HELLO! This is not the first time this happened. Maybe 121093819238 time!)

2. They were probably joking. (Sure they are joking. When you insult me, my entire nation, and others who are of Palestinian decent that read it on a huge public forum, then it must be joking.)

3. How did they know you are Palestinian? (Few weeks ago I said I was a Palestinian living in Canada, because someone has asked me. That was weeks ago! People follow my every word waiting to turn it against me. Can you imagine if they found out about my blog?)

So, I have been really pissed off lately. Many of you will say ignore, who cares. But you see, it hurts. It seems like a continuous trend and makes me feel so sad that such things will never end. Instead of sticking together as Arabs, nationalism separates us.  Maybe that’s why I didn’t want to write for two days, because I didn’t know if I was shocked or disappointed from my fellow Arabs. At times I wonder why they would stoop that low, and is it really a problem between Arab nations that they can’t get along. If the internet, a global village with every single type of personality and mind set out there, is showing a fraction of this much hatred, then how are the people within the nation thinking?

It baffles me that I see such idiotic reactions. Most of the people that insult me on my blog are Arabs, because they can’t stand it that I am saying something that should not be said or no girl should dare say, but come on! Do Arabs have to stoop that low and insult each other in such a lame way? I also go on YouTube and watch Arabic clips, and like I said days ago, thank God I can still read Arabic, but on such large websites, Arabs have zero respect to one another. They curse, insult, make someone seem like a tiny spec of dirt under someone’s shoe, but why? Because instead of saying, oh I don’t like this person, or I don’t think it is good enough, or just plain ignore, they start insulting them from top to bottom. Like this person was Satan on earth, and should be ridiculed for everything he/she is worth.

When will Arabs change? Many Arabs are infesting the internet with such mentality, and making our cultural values that they continue to boast about seem like nothing at all anymore, and just a lie. And I get people saying, oh, you are making Arabs look bad with what you write on your blog. ME??? I make Arabs look bad because of a stupid title such as Rebellious? You think the word Rebellious is putting Arabs down? You Arabs are putting ME down when insulting me for something I am born with. You are insulting me because I am a female who has an opinion. You are insulting me because I dared say something that you could not stand, the TRUTH! So what do you end up doing? Yep, you know. If you can’t beat them, insult them from head to toe. That’s the Arab philosophy.

Angry, Blah Blah, Culture, Depressed, Palestine, Ranting as usual!, Thank you, They said what?, Whatever!