We are who we are
I may not know many people in this city that I live in, especially Arabs. However, my mom knows many because of the nature of what she does. She fixes clothes for people, but 99% of those people are Arabs. It is the only thing she can do, and is more like a hobby and social interaction. She learned this hobby when she was only 15, because it was the only thing that she can spend her day doing. The people raised in a Palestinian refugee camp in Lebanon at its early days, most likely did not have many females getting a proper education. My mom was one of them.
She has been fixing clothes, or being a seamstress almost all her life. She gets to meet lots of Arabs as a result, and hear their stories. And most of you know my mother by now, she is Reuters in this house. I know many stories about Arabs in this city of mine, but never really interacted with them or cared to.
It’s all in the Culture
Last night, I was sitting on my L-Zay Boy couch. That’s where I have been spending all day with the laptop on my lap. I’m spending my day writing a fictional story, and I will soon post parts of it weekly on my blog. Stay tuned! It is just for fun, and something new. Anyways, my mom comes into my blog office, and sits on a chair. She tells me, “I know so many people now. You know this and that. I met her aunt today and 15 year old daughter. They wanted me to add an extension to a dress.”
I looked at my mother with a raised eyebrow and said, “Aha? And?”
My mother continued on, “The lady wanted me to add an extension to the top area of a dress, so her daughter’s breasts don’t show. I was a bit surprised, because I didn’t know that Christians cared about such dress issues.”
They were Iraqi Christians.
“Mom, so what if they are Christians? They are Arabs. In reality, it has nothing to do with being a Muslim only to dress conservatively. It is our culture that is conservative, and not religion,” I said with a concerned voice.
Mom replied, “I sensed that. The lady said that her husband will scream at her, and not their daughter for wearing an uncovered dress like that. It had to be fixed.”
I sensed mom’s concern and confusion. Typical Arab Muslim mentality. I said, “Mom, like I said, it has nothing to do with religion. Look at some Muslim Arabs that live here or back home. Look at the way they dress. It is shameful and an invitation for rape. So what Arabs wear has nothing to do with religion anymore. If they do care, it is following cultural conservative traditions. That’s if many know what those modest traditions still are.”
Enlightening Her with Some History
[Screen shot from Fadi Andrawos music video]
I was reading some history of Palestinian life before 1948 the other day, and I wanted to share some stories with my mother. I continued on the conversation and told her, “Before the war, many of the Palestinians lived in villages and were farmers, etc. They lived a very modest life. Their only worry in life was having daily necessities to survive. Since most of them were living such a life, many of those villages lacked mosques or churches, but everyone knew and respected each other’s religion.”
Mom interrupted me and said, “Of course. That’s true, and the neighbours celebrated each other’s religious holidays. Many Christians fasted in Ramadan like their Muslim neighbours. Muslims celebrated Christmas and Easter like their Christian neighbours. They never let religion separate them.”
I said, “Exactly. Palestinians lived the Arab life. They respected each other, and never made religion a barrier between them. They celebrated each other’s religious holidays. They mourned with them. They celebrated great times with them. I don’t know when this religious separation ideology between Arabs started, but it is not right. Especially Arabs here that come from some noratic closed minded Islamic lifestyle back home, and think anyone who is not a Muslim is the devil.”
Mom said, “You are right. Our religion says to respect those who carry the holy books. Christians and Jews.”
“Exactly!” I excitedly said. “So no more of this religious crap that shocks the hell out of Arab Muslims here. They need to look deeper into their religion. Also, they should learn the true essence of being an Arab,” I added firmly.
I think I lectured my mother enough yesterday. However, I know nothing will change. At least I said something, and not only to her my loyal readers. 
Blah Blah, Confused, Culture, Palestine, Religion, They said what?, Whatever!
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I have also found cultural differences within a country like America. I live in the Midwest and our values tend to be conservative as say compared to maybe Los Angeles or New York. The South is even more conservative.
I tend to dress conservatively. I cannot see myself into revealing too much…like the top of the breast area. I would feel exposed. I guess it’s what you are comfortable with and what you grew up around. Personal choice etc………I had an aunt who did the same thing your mom does. She made wonderful garments. Maybe some time you could post pictures of articles of clothing your mother does.
@Janet
I don’t know if my mom would let me take pictures of people’s clothes.. but why not! Could be a sneaky adventure!
My best friend is a Palestinian Christian (who was born in Canada – I only moved there when I was 9). There is absolutely NO difference in our families’ “arabness”. They are equally religious (meaning a bit religious but not that much – actually, her family probably goes to church more often than members of my family pray), our dads are equally annoyed (and helpless) at our dating habits and have very similar outlooks on almost everything. I’d like to think intolance can be solved by more mixing between peoples or at least more exposure, but then how do explain the Lebanese civil war?
Who the heck knows.
Curious to see your fiction experiment!
Nadine, my experiences have been VERY similar.
I don’t understand when that picking between Muslim and Christian Arabs started – it seemed in the pan-nationalist movements people were closer. As Arabs foremost.
The sad thing with the Lebanese civil war was that it was financed by so many foreign powers, as many Arab and Muslim as non Arab and Jewish or Christian… such a small country, and sadly it fought wars of other nations at the expense of Arab/Lebanese lives..
Regarding, Palestine, as little as I know it, but many high Christian clerics are proud Palestinians and Arabs, and stand firmly with Muslim Palestinians (as long as they do not degrade them, religiously, out of hatred for everyone non Muslim), speaking out against Israeli crimes etc.
“I’d like to think intolance can be solved by more mixing between peoples or at least more exposure, but then how do explain the Lebanese civil war?”
I guess it takes exposure in common trust rather than discomfort and fear and “preemptive strikes” for fear the other party will take power.
They don’t have to pretend they love each other and all but as long as there is mutual respect between them, then there shouldn’t be any problems. The world would have been a better place then. Not just for religion but for all the other aspects that can create division between people.
People judge and steriotype on the nearest visible thing they can see visually, and with muslims, this is usually it.
They are judged as conservative and “harsh” by some peopl, etc etc because they think everything they do is already pre-set in stone, or islam.
These ignorant people dont realise that its not religion which is the only source of influence, its the culture.
And if some people are not willing to see this, or are just unable to see it, then i recomend they look at their own small community, in their own town, own country, and they will all realise very quickly that although each person of their community is of a different religion, they still have many things in common, as they are from the same culture, but yet have different religions, and customs.
About time someone wrote about this, i think this a subject that needs to be discussed worldwide, and maybe the rest of the world can stop being so pig-headed, judgemental and ignorant to other cultures they have not been exposed to, or are simply unwilling to learn about it.
@Nadine
Soon soon.. today I was busy, but it will be just another story. I want to make it a bit adventurous with a little suspense. Hmm..
You won’t believe how much I needed that… To hear this especially today! I’m going through some life-changing times! Will be back with some big news in two weeks.
One battle at a time sweetie.
They look at their own small community, in their own town, own country and they will all realize very quickly that although each person of their community is of a different religion.They still have many things in common,but yet have different religions, and customs.
@Oksana
Awesome.. Can’t wait.
@alicia
Why??? I like multiple-battles! Keeps me on the edge of my seat!
Great post. Enjoyed this one! Thanks
I can’t believe no one has pointed out this quote: “It is shameful and an invitation for rape.”
How dare you say that any way a woman dresses is ‘an invitation for rape’. THAT is shameful. How can you say that religious people should be less judgmental of those of other faiths but then judge women and say they deserve to be horribly “punished” with violent crime? What kind of rebellion is this?
Shameful.
@Astro
wow.. Is that what pissed you off? You really need to understand the culture and the way Arab guys STARE and have disgusting thoughts towards women sometimes. I am not saying all of them, but it is well known fact. Give me a brake. I can’t believe you pointed that out.
@Mona
Believe it or not, it pisses women off when you blame them for men’s violent actions. Men will have disgusting thoughts and leer at women no matter what they’re wearing. This is cross-cultural. Women have been molested at Mecca while wearing clothes that cover their entire body.
I pointed it out because it’s shameful and disgusting that you’d say something like that. If you’re going to point the blame at men’s behavior then why are you saying a woman is \asking for it\ if she’s raped?
@Astro
Man.. don’t you understand. Our culture is a conservative culture, and known to be. Once someone sways away from it, then it is more obvious and a bigger attraction. There are obviously the disgusting ones that have no respect towards their religion, human life, or anything.
My God, why are you so critical towards what I said? I blame both male and female for this who have no respect towards their bodies, no respect towards opposite gender, and no respect to the religion and conservative culture. How about if I just blame the devil for it? Happy? Can you stop arguing about this, cause no matter what, your opinion is just an opinion. Like I have an opinion, you do too. So give it a rest, and leave my site if you hate what I say.
Thank you.
@Mona
Why am I so critical? Is it so difficult to grasp that telling women that they deserve to be raped because of what they wear is a really ridiculous and hateful thing to say? That saying they deserve to be raped because they don’t respect “human life” because they show slightly more skin than other women is horrific? That ideas like these lead to rape being considered a “corrective” measure, or a “punishment” for women who refuse to follow a specific dress code? That ideas like these lead to rapist not being convicted, but congratulated? Do you not understand how rape is used as a tool to degrade and punish women for failing to live up to your “conservative culture”? Are you actually trying to defend this?
Your blog is inappropriately titled. Blaming women for crimes against their bodies is not rebellious thinking in the least.
@Astro
The way we think is different.
You completely exhausted your argument now. Are you done? I think you are. Have a nice day.
@Mona
Yes, because blaming women for being raped is “thinking differently”.
Never mind that women are just as likely to be molested and raped if they dress conservatively, right? That women are most likely to be raped by their husbands and boyfriends, right? Only women who deserve it get raped in your little world! Serves them right for being outside!
@Astro
I can understand why from a woman’s perspective covering up might be a good thing (yes I know how Arab men stare, and it’s not just Arab men) but then take topless beaches for example. I went to one in Spain, and I have to say, *I* probably stared more at some shockingly good looking women’s boobs that the men around me did. I went to a topless beach in Miami, and while the men there were certainly not rude to the women who went topless (they were trying not to gawk), you could tell that they noticed beacause American men are less used to that than Europeans.
I don’t know about you, but that tells me that you can actually condition men – like little kids – by pointing out boundaries of what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable to believe in, and that’s acting on the notion that rape is no different than say armed theft or perhaps murder is wrong and punishable. Its not sexual, no one asks for it, it’s something a perp who can’t control his/her emotions does.
Interesting how in Christian religious legend, sex is viewed as a necessary evil, and it’s assumed that women don’t like sex anyway, so they are the guardians of chastiy. In Muslim legend, sex is not intrinsically bad, but out-of wedlock sex is a huge, horrific sin, and since men apparantly are only just slightly more evolved than chimpanzees and can’t control their impulses, it also falls on the woman’s shoulders to be the guardian of chastity.
Different convoluted arguments, same silly result – one that makes women feel guilty for liking sex, and treats men like unevolved apes who if they see a half-naked woman, are not held responsible for raping her.
In ain’t so in countries where men are expected to act human, and not chimp-like.
I should really proofread my comments… those typos were atrocious. Am I going to be banned???
!
@Nadine
It’s ok. I am worse at spelling and grammar. Seriously, you should not bother commenting regarding this issue. Let it be. We can’t convince people sometimes our point of view of things.
I find it funny that people think the rebellious idea for me is to go outside my cultural values and religion. It is in the header, “open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.” That’s what I believe in.
@Mona
So you believe in not being rebellious. Got it.
Your point of view is reprehensible and damaging. How you aren’t able to understand that is beyond me.
But you’re right, this conversation is over. Perhaps your thoughts will change once you’re personally affected by the violent crime that affects a quarter of all women. Then again, you’ll probably just justify it as being the victim’s fault anyway.
@Astro
Umm, ok. I don’t know why you keep posting and trying to argue this point of view. If I ever become a victim, I will tell you all about it, and tell you why I became one.
Have a nice evening, and give it a rest. I can feel that your body is aching and your heart rate is rising over a stupid post. My blog is not worth it. So have a nice day.
I just wanted to make a quick comment after reading all of this.
While I do not believe rape is the victim’s fault, it is all of our responsibility, female & male to not create an environment that invites unwanted attention that may lead to crimes like rape.
Should a woman be able to wear what she wants, yes. But if the culture is structured in a way that wearing too revealing clothing invites rape, then she should do what she can to limit this.
It takes years, centuries, to change a culture, just because you can walk down LA in skimpy clothing does not mean you should do so in the middle of Beirut.
Be modest for yourself because you can control how you dress & act, not how others do.
@Moonstar Silverwolf
That was very well put – I do agree that “values” are not an automatic green light for violence, but safety is still each person’s responsibility. Female genital mutilation is cultural, female genital multilation is always wrong. Period. So is rape (which has been shown over and over again to have NOTHING to do with sex. It’s about power. You’re an unemployed young Arab man and the girl in your building happens to be making a little bit of cash working at a jewellery worshop that employs only women, if you have little control over your animal impulses, then you might just convince yourself that raping her might make up for your feelings of uselessness. It’s no different from the folks who throw acid on women’s faces who dare to turn their marriage proposals down.)
That being said, values (and yes, I believe that only animals rape – that’s my value and I’m sticking to it) aren’t going to protect you from so-called animals at the end of the day, and as is evident by this blog and everything we see in the news, it does in fact take years (hopefully not centuries though!) for cultures to change and learn tolerance (and they never do 100%, but perfection is not of this world, is it?).
I’m looking at Iranians with a lot of admiration now, and I’m allowing myself to hope that a little bit of well-placed female vanity, increased female earning-power, and the speed of communications will force that cultural change faster than some people might like, and that in my lifetime, a woman can walk down the main streets of any Arab country in skimpy clothing and all anyone can do about it is mutter “sharmouta” quietly under their breath if they don’t like it.