Fighting over the silliest things

I hear you. My mother does that to me and my dad all the time, she refuses to let us throw any “out-dated” junk… Her habits have rubbed onto my brother as well… arguments go on for hours and it takes forever for them to be forgotten. She’ll get over it… Bad to have to argue during Ramadan as well ehy? Anger is the devils best friend

Ha! Arabs love those wedding videos. I tell you they can sit for hours watching those DVDs. Even sometimes the wedding was two days ago, and individuals will visit the couple, and they will all watch the wedding again! Just watching themselves do what they did just the day before!

That’s funny,man.Arabs and their Wedding DVD’s obsessions.

It’s like Icelanders and their coffee gatherings every single afternoon and night.Tea time for the British.Funny stuff!

You shouldn’t throw them away. If they don’t work because they are in different system you still can convert them into your system.

Anyway you shouldn’t throw them in first place because they are not yours, right!!!

well, you shouldn’t have thrown them away BUT this is coming from a pack rat so feel free to ignore me. I tend to throw away things I no longer need but I don’t do it if it belongs to others not even if is my husband’s. Either way though I don’t think it warranted a full on screaming and drama session.

Mona you are nuts! You are throwing other people’s trash? No you can’t do that. You give them the trash back and told them to throw them out by themselves. hahahaha.

I would have done the same thing as you, Mona. If I can’t get a DVD to work in any player or my computer then it’s trash cause it’s just a piece of plastic now.

Mo is right, arabs are obsessed over weddings and wedding videos. Some years ago my mom threw a fit when she thought she lost one of my cousins videos. My sister nearly tried to kill me once when she thought I didn’t record an episode of Sex In the City for her… I recorded it, she just didn’t rewind the tape.

Hi, I am finally getting to comment on your post.

I did read a lot from your Archive yesterday and must say I did enjoy reading them. Good Job.

I completely agree on this post. We human beings place the sensitive relation on things which have no life? Like day before yesterday, my sister screamed at me for leaving the computer on and said all sort of nasty things.. I mean it was just a computer for god damn sake..and that too by mistake it was on..and I did not switch if off because she was working on her laptop and the wifi was on…it’s really petty…I mean did I commit some crime of killing somebody, robbing etc etc?? So why all this?? I mean even I can just raise my voice and say all nasty things, but, then that’s what I don’t believe it…

Take it light girl….smile and cheer-up

I really don’t think you should have thrown them away. They weren’t doing any harm being there even if they didn’t work. I don’t like to throw anything away though.

If they really didn’t work though, she definitely overreacted. I’d be bummed out you threw them away, but I’d get over it.

oh my god, as if I’m reading my own diaries. my mom does the same too. even more, she reminds me and criticize me of the small Cristal decoration ducks that i broke when i was only 5. Anyways, i’m trying to get a long with her, and i try not get this let me down. cuz i know that deep down there is no escape, so i try suck it up with the least amount of depression.

Awww, I really feel for you on this one. I mean, I’m a huge pack rat, but I wouldn’t get completely mad if someone threw out my stuff (my mom tried all the time!). I mean, most of the stuff you can replace and if it’s broken, then there’s not much point to keep it around. Your mom sounds stressed!! Maybe fasting is getting to her (we’re a bit cranky too!), or she can try meditation! I do know that it’s easy to slip into being, well, mean to your family because they are always there – I always try to remember that after I snap at mine or my poor husband! Once you start, it’s hard to get out of that habit and go back to being calm and polite!
Good luck with your job search – a career is a great thing to get your life more ‘active’ and get your out of the house more; a good thing if you live at home!

I think that this conversation is typical most households (not just Arab)where there are adults who are living with their parents. Parents are used to treating their kids a certain way, and it’s hard to break out of parent mode just because your kids are grown.

On a separate note, I wanted to tell you how much I love the new look of your blog. I suffer from “blog envy” every time I visit here.

@Mona
That happened back in 2001, your story just reminded me the whole situation.

@Mona
hehehe – well, good luck with finding a new field! It’s important to do something that feels fulfilling; or to get a good job that allows for you to do other stuff that is fulfilling! Just get something with advancement – you don’t want to be the 30-something year old who feels more and more ‘stuck’ because they aren’t moving forward! I see that happen to people and it’s just pretty sad… (and the women start to see marriage as an ‘escape’ – not a good reason to get married)

@Little P

…you don’t want to be the 30-something year old who feels more and more ’stuck’ because they aren’t moving forward! I see that happen to people and it’s just pretty sad…

I don’t agree! The only “advancement” for a programmer is into management! I don’t ever want to be a manager. For one thing, I’m a programmer because I like programming and because I’m good at it, whereas I hate management and I suck at it. For another thing, good managers are a lot more common than good programmers, and are therefore a lot more likely to lose their jobs. And lastly, programmers are worth a lot more to a software development company than managers are. Therefore, I don’t think it’s “sad” at all for people to spend their whole careers doing what they are good at, instead of “advancing” into something they aren’t good at. And there are a number of fields I would describe this way. Architecture and engineering, for instance. Anything scientific or technical, really. And same with college profs… how weird would it be for a college prof to “advance” into administration? What possible logic would there be behind that? Or how about doctors? Do they “advance” into hospital administration? What about Lawyers and judges? What is the career advancement for them? The whole “advancing into management” career path just doesn’t work except in fields where the people below management level have crappy and undesirable jobs, like tech support/customer service/insurance adjuster/etc.

@Craig and Mona hmmmm, I think I’ll clarify as my point didn’t seem to get across. lol – let me see if I can break down how I’m thinking because while we may have some disagreements, from what you wrote they aren’t as deep as what you seem to think. I will also try to bring in my examples of peoples in these categories and I would love to see yours or if you would re-define them. I think much of this type of argument comes from definitions

BE WARNED – LONG POST! TWO PARTS – MARRIAGE & CAREER

So – my thoughts from before come mainly out of my comments “Good luck with your job search – a career is a great thing to get your life more ‘active’ and get your out of the house more; a good thing if you live at home!” and “well, good luck with finding a new field! It’s important to do something that feels fulfilling; or to get a good job that allows for you to do other stuff that is fulfilling! Just get something with advancement – you don’t want to be the 30-something year old who feels more and more ’stuck’ because they aren’t moving forward! I see that happen to people and it’s just pretty sad… (and the women start to see marriage as an ‘escape’ – not a good reason to get married)” There were 2 things mostly from this: marriage as an escape and a career for self-fulfillment.

MARRIAGE AS AN ESCAPE – I have seen a few types of people who fit into this, however the danger point is if the person does not understand what a ‘marriage’ means (ie, commitment to the other person, compromise, trust, love, etc). So, here are the types I have seen through my friends and what I see as the pros and cons. Now, I’m not pulling from studies – I’m pulling from observations I have had in various parts of mostly the US (with a bit of MidEast, I can probably pull in parts of Europe too I suppose) and so I’m sure you can find other examples to contradict this. But, I am looking at the people who you would say- ‘hmmmm, they seem to be trying to get away from something’; not people who you say, ‘oh yea, they are a great couple’ Obviously each person is different and so, like we often do in talking about social circumstances, these are generalizations based off broad groups of people.

Best type – the Arab from back home (because I really don’t see it in the U.S. like this, but I’ve never lived in very rural areas, so maybe it’s different there) who marries because they are ‘old’ (ie, over 30) – often times (and I’m going to focus on the Levant region; Egypt is way different) after they have been dating a guy for years and years… they break up, or the guy doesn’t have enough money, or the guy leaves for a job in another country and… doesn’t get enough money. The girl then starts looking for anyone to give her a good home and life because she is getting to be an ‘old maid.’
Pros – the girl understands what a marriage is and often, honestly, can be quite happy in these marriages. They are looking for the nice guy and life and even if it’s not the big love they had before, they can be content. Also, in the Levant area (and parts of the Gulf, actually), as more women get careers, they are seen less as the ‘old maid’ and burden to their families and so many don’t feel this type of pressure so much. It’s a very slow change, but I am seeing that. But most of my friends, while we *know* what happened (ie, boyfriend situation), they seem happy now.
Con – I suppose that you aren’t marrying for love, which is a con… I totally LOVE my husband, but the Hollywood love is a bit overrated… you got to get practical at some point!

The girl who feels like everyone is doing it and so must they- this often seems to crop up around people directly out of university through maybe 25 years old. All of their friends are getting married to their boyfriends and starting ‘married life’ and so they feel like they are left behind and, quite frankly, like they have ‘failed’ in some way as a women. They pressure their current boyfriend to get married – if that doesn’t work (and they may break up), they find someone else who ‘fits the bill’ and marries them.
Pro – they are married and can talk with their girlfriends about ‘married life,’ do ‘married things,’ etc.
Con – they usually don’t have a good grasp on what it takes to be in a MARRIAGE, as opposed to long-term relationship, and often after about a year, find the cracks in the relations, don’t believe in taking an honest look at things (ie, compromises, behavior, what can *I* do, is my guy really a jerk, etc), and seem to either 1. get divorced or 2. have baby thinking it will help, but will probably still divorce or just be pretty miserable.
Pro – I notice that from this group, the 2nd marriage is usually MUCH better because they now understand more what a marriage means… I hate to see my friends go through divorce, but sometimes it all works out!

The girl who feels like she is ‘trapped’ in her life and marries to ‘get out’ – THIS one is the one that I warn about because I see it play out in a particular manner: 1. she meets some guy who is just not someone who she ‘normally’ would go out with (older, poor, weird, etc) 2. They date for only a short time (I’ve seen about 1-2 months usually) before getting engaged 3. they elope or move in together. Now, this could not be a bad thing (I mean, most people live together after a few months these days), but the bad thing is that the girl has this idea that only the man will improve her situation by ‘taking her away’ from where she is now – ie, her home/family, ‘boring’ life, etc.
Pros – she gets ‘away’ from what is bothering her
Cons – she doesn’t understand marriage usually and as the newness wears off, she finds herself just as ‘trapped’ as she was before – now with a legal partner (and perhaps some kids). These are the situations that people always seem to shake their head at.

True, when I was writing my comments early, I am thinking of a particular person. That’s because they say almost EXACTLY what you are saying Mona and their background is like you (although they were born in the US – the brothers where born abroad). I think you are better grounded that her, but I get worried sometime when I hear that from you because I don’t want you to fall into those pitfalls at any point!!!

Which leads to my comments on CAREER

Note: it’s so funny because when Craig said in his posting about ‘advancement’ I thought I had been misquoted! I didn’t remember until I re-read my post that I used that word because I didn’t mean it in the traditional sense I was *thinking* the whole moving forward thing, which was the words I had used before – Craig, I TOTALLY agree with everything you wrote about advancement because I know that with IT and similarly in my field (international education – covers a bunch of things ), you don’t really ‘advance’ but you change from site to site and projects and that sort of thing. But, I will expand on what I was thinking and why I am using the words ‘moving forward’ and such.

I find that if you are NOT happy with what you do, that your idea of self worth goes down A LOT. This is why I had posted that I believe that people should do what they like for a living. This can go to ways:
1. You work what you love to do (IT, int’l edu, teaching, corporate stuff, scientist, event planning… whatever)
2. You work a job that ALLOWS for you to do what you want to do.
I often find that the #2 mentality is found a bit more in parts of Europe – people do their job so that they enjoy their lives. I mean – look at their unions; they aren’t going to do anything over what’s required because non-work time is THEIR time!!!!

I think that we pretty much all agree on that point: do what you like OR work to do what you like (as in, blogging or whatever can’t be sustained long-term by what you like).

I brought up CAREER and my main point really was CAREER – because I find that people who have a career, even if their home situation may be stressful from living with parents and that sort of thing, that their sense of self-worth and confidence remains high because of what they are accomplishing through work. Or, at the very least, it is getting them out.

I did want to go between the two main situations that I find in talking about career and the personalities because it can, of course, get complicated. The main ‘statement’ I suppose would be that a CAREER where you get the self-fulfillment and are around good people is preferable to a JOB around people who are likewise not confident and not improving their lives. (yes, I still sound a bit righteous – I like self improvement; no one is perfect, but I’ll try to break it down)

Even jobs that many people would not feel are ‘careers’ – secretaries, receptionists, telemarketers, factory work – can be fulfilling if the person doing it is happy with their job and feel connected to it. This is very important, as we all seem to acknowledge. In the end, if you are happy with your job, you usually work hard , feel connected to the company or goals of the company, and ‘move forward’ in life (ie, feel self-fulfilled, confident, needed) through this connection with the company and by improving your performance or even through suggestions to the company. While every job is mandate at some point, you don’t HATE the job and therefore feel the sense of accomplishment at the end of the day. Usually in these cases, the people around you really make a huge difference and they are similar to liking what you like and so you have a great social network around you that even people outside your job can see that these people are good. (many people fall into this group: from parents, hippies, rural life, city people, etc) (My hippie –yes, I’m from California- relative never really had a constant job, but she was always happy moving from place to place usually within administrative support positions. She now just does artsy stuff – I think she was able to retire)

The JOBS, in the bad sense, I usually see in two groups: 1. Something that you just don’t like and 2. A place not really in your field and where the people around you are basically holding you back (although I’m again thinking of someone specific)
1. I think we have all been there where we hated our job and the people around us. I got to that point with my last job location, although I liked the field (int’l ed) I was ready to GET OUT of that office. I switched to another office and I love it now – much more than before. I feel a better connection to my field and it has made a HUGE difference. But, I had 2 other friends who got burned out – one just quit and is now looking for a job, the other basically started doing ‘odd jobs’ (ie, travel groups, adventure tours) since she quit.
2. It’s pretty common for people in the US and some other nations to work in jobs not in their ‘field’ from what they studied at university. But, some people really go beyond to jobs that are just not what they have the POTENTIAL to be doing… these people I have often seen to just have a bad work ethics (ie, fighting with your boss and taking off way to much vacation, not doing what you’re told to do… hey, we all start at the bottom! ). This is the main group that I was cautioning about because, ideally you don’t want any temp jobs outside your desired field to become a full time thing that you feel you can’t escape from. Some of the people (and this isn’t everyone – see the point above about fulfillment) who do get trapped in this I find are just around people that in general introduce them to rather odd people, odd habits… that sort of thing. Additionally, sometimes these positions don’t have plans that will allow for you to retire, have health insurance, etc – stuff you need to think about (whether you have a family or not) as you get older.

THAT is something to watch out for because getting stuck in THAT situation can lead to very low confidence. Low confidence and feeling of little self-worth or ‘advancement/moving forward’ (lol – because even if you ‘advance’ you can feel like you aren’t moving forward, which I’m trying to say is NOT advancement) can lead to feeling ‘trapped’ which I then find people who want to get out and take drastic steps like getting married without fully being ready for it!!!

Whew! Super long, but I hope it better explains what I was trying to say and from where I was pulling that from. In no way did I mean anything as an attack, although I understand I probably shouldn’t have put in the ‘sad’ comment – I still kinda’ put in here that view, but I hope it makes more sense now… I really have seen people come from all different backgrounds to do great things and people from great backgrounds fall into a mess… In the end – do what’s BEST for you, but don’t put off the practical things too long or you may get stuck on public services which is not a good feeling usually

@Little P

Good comment, Little P

I don’t really have any disagreements with what you said, and it’s interesting to get your perspective.