Forbidden Love

That was just a shock to see that your from America. I didn’t think that once you made it over here; stuff like that still happened. If you want to leave, there are many places you can go. Shelters aren’t always bad and most of them will help you get on your feet. YWCA is great and you can find it anywhere. Do what your heart tells you to do. (Old school is good!)

None of the gentlemen are good for you.

#1 picked by family and you don’t seem to get along, I suggest dump him.

#2 is not serious and I really think you fell for him on the rebound. I seriously doubt he is shooting for a serious relationship. I suggest you dump him as well.

Now once you are free from old and new schools. I suggest you stay away from the present emotional tornado you are in and take care of YOU. Once you are done working on yourself and developing your emotions, then the picture will be much clearer and then you can make the right balanced decision.

We all been there and although it seems so real to us, others outside the circle of our emotions can give us a better view.

Wish you the best and God bless.

Peace,

Khaled

I completely agree with Khaled.

Getting rid of your fiance is an obvious decisions after reading this post. If I could say those things about my fiance, no way would I imagine marrying them. You should aim for marriage to be for a long time if not for life. Would you honestly want to put yourself through that with this guy?

As for the older guy, be VERY careful of the age difference. It can and has worked out in the past with a big age difference, but be cautious. People 15 years apart are in completely different places in life no matter how mature you think you are now. That means completely different views of life, different wants, different needs.

I think you should take a step back from both and just be you. Be happy. Life YOUR life.

when it comes to marriage you are the one who has to decide about it cus it’s your life and lifetime. if you feel that you are muslim and you believe in islam you wont let yourself fell for a christain guy cus you will already knew that it’s forbidden.but, it seems that you dont really care about religions,so, do whatever you feel right and take all your responsibilities cus one day you may regret it.

I feel bad that you don’t only have to make the decision but also have to live it. It won’t be easy.

Suggestion, i don’t have any experience which can be compared to this.

I don’t want to suggest anything…..but my sympathy and best wishes for you……

God loves you. He loves you because you have the free will to choose what is right and what is wrong.

God is above pettiness.

God wants you to be happy.

But forget God for a second and ask yourself a single question.

Will my resentment for being with a man who treats me like shit change my respect for life, and ultimatly God?

My opinion, is that you should avoid unhappy relationships like you would avoid the plague. They will give you nothing but anguish and sorrow. Your parents are concerned about “appearence”, but 20 years from now, no one will care. No one except you, at night, crying yourself to sleep because you are with a man you do not love. Forget your parents, they are foolish. Do not marry the jordanian.

As for the man 15 years your senior, I would say do not marry him. Age differences like that also develop into unbalanced, usery type of relationships. I would say avoid him too, but at the very least, you love him, and that is much better than the other guy.

ahhhhhhhhh ok now i see @Mona

Why are people such against the age difference? When you truly love someone inside and out, age shall not be in the way. Things like that does not even cross ones mind when a pupil is in TRUE love. If we were all blind than we would chose much differently..That is just my opinion.

Khaled speaks the truth.

15 years age difference is big enough to get manipulated. Youre very vulnerable right now so maybe this guy can see that. You wont know until you dump youre fiance, which you sound like you hate, give time to yourself, heal, organize youre thoughts.

If the muslim guy truly loved you he wouldnt be suggesting you marry him and move in amidst this emotional chaos.

Take care and try youre best to get out of that situation. I dont know how you can bare to marry and have a family with a man that you cant stand. Thats a living nightmare.

Dear Troubled Soul.
The knee jerk reaction in the posts is to dump them both. That would solve your problems but it does not answer any of your questions. First, I must agree you cannot allow yourself to be married to your fiance. I am guessing that your family is seeking a Christian Palestinian. They will resist your claims because they are trying to recreate their memory of how life is supposed to be. Resist, it will be hard they will be angry and disappointed. I suggest that you do not run to the one you love. If he loves you he can wait. Do not move in with him. If you do his family may never accept you as any more than a \girlfriend\.

I am from the US, previously Christian (not practicing) and married a Muslim girl from Jordan. I am sure it was easier for me, being male in such a situation is always easier. I suggest you find an ally in your family to help smooth things over. My wife’s mother did not want her to marry me, her brother helped. Without her brother…. My wife rejected various suitors before we met, for the same reasons you discussed. Be strong, pray and call on your family to understand.

You cannot resolve both issues at once. Your family will assume it is because of the other. Your true loves family may assume you are running to him for an escape. Handle one at a time and remember, when you marry you are marring an entire family not just a man.

Good luck and god bless.

Mr. Anonymous wants me to live with him.

That seems like a huge red flag, right there. A Muslim guy 15 years older asks a religiously conservative Christian girl to move in with him, before marriage? I’m a Christian, and I’ve set up house with women I wasn’t married to before, but I wouldn’t even have *considered* asking a religious girl to do that. I don’t want to say too much since from where I’m sitting it’s hard to see what’s really going on, but something doesn’t seem right about this situation.

I agree with what others said… it seems like both the choices before you are bad ones. Isn’t there a third option?

Marc,

I am from the US, previously Christian (not practicing) and married a Muslim girl from Jordan. I am sure it was easier for me, being male in such a situation is always easier.

Actually, it’s not. Muslim men are permitted to marry Christian women. Muslim women are not permitted to marry Christian men. Do you live in the middle east or in the US? And did you convert to Islam when you married your wife?

Hello to all,

I am the the write of this blog and I shall remain Anonymous. It was my mistake for not making a point clear, he is not FORCING me to move in with him, nor did he ever say that, he simply saw how frustrated I was when I stated that I cannt take this chaos momentarily and said I was always welcome which is a typical Middle Eastern hospitality. The age difference never was looked upon as a “flaw” to me because him and I are on the same page as hard as it seems for you all to see. All of your comments were WONDERFUL and I truly do appreciate all of your time spent on this. Also, I wanted to mention that I was NOT looking for a rebound..that’s not something I do. Why can’t you all just comprehend the fact that I am truly in love with a man I cannot be with? Now put your self in my position.

Also, I wanted to mention that he respects my religion so much and always motivated me to pray and get closer to God. He never tried making me convert and he comes from an amazing wonderful loving educated family.

Thank you all once more,

-ANONYMOUS.

@hajar benlahmar

As for the man 15 years your senior, I would say do not marry him. Age differences like that also develop into unbalanced, usery type of relationships.

I’d say that it depends on a lot of factors. 15 years is a huge difference if it’s 20 and 35. Not as much when it’s 30 and 45. Also the people involved matters a lot. A guy who just wants a trophy wife… yeah, that isn’t going to end well. But the two most happily married couples I know of are both cases where the guy is more than 10 years older! My ex-wife is 3 years older than me, and look at us now! All divorced and stuff! I don’t have a good feeling about this case, but that isn’t so much because of the age difference.

By the way, Yes I am getting rid of my Fiance which is very complicated to do so because he is a relative. Yes I know to Americans it’s not approved, but it’s a part of the Arab culture and I never thought I would even LOOK a relative that way being that I am born and raised in America, yet it happend. He was a different guy in the begining and his true colors definitely came out and still continue to. The thing that affects our relationship very much is the language barrier. His first language is my first, and my first is neither of his! I try to teach him, but he doesn’t even want to learn! Not even making an effort speaks enough! He is working very hard on looking for a house for the two of us since we should be getting married by next year or so and is working very hard. But even when he eventually does learn to communicate in English, will I be content then?? Only time can tell. I’m going to take advise of a good friend and delay the marriage as much as possible.

ALSO***** I want to make it clear that MR. ANONYMOUS NEVER encouraged me to dump my Fiance and be with him. He always told me to do what I feel is logically and emotionally right. We are good friends and nothing more momentarily.

@Craig

No it’s not a matter of having a “trophy” wife lol. Is it so wrong to love someone of a different faith? Wow!

@Craig

Craig, yes the age difference is large, but can you give me atleast 3 good explanations why it’s “unjust” ?

Is the guy youre cousin? Youre chances of having children with disabilities are higher the closer youre bloodline is. =_____=

I cant believe youre family are making you do this! puke.

@Mais

Mais, he is the first cousin of my mothers. So to be precise, he is considered to be my first cousin once removed. This was completely my choice in the begining, something my parents didn’t even push against me. I know the chances of having children with disabilities BUT that is chance that is only 2% higher than having children with a non relative and it does not necessarily mean that it will happen. The majority of my family members married there cousins and the children are bright and beautiful and not disabled. FYI, I never even knew he existed until I met him which was about two years ago and we got together immediately. I never even knew his parents since they all previously lived in Jordan. BTW I am Jordanian, NOT Palestinain. Mais, I totally understand where your coming from, I felt the same way prior to meeting him. Actually I have a brother who is not attending the wedding, if it ever happens because he does not support cousin marriages so I understand. Why can’t people just let others be?

@Anonymous

No it’s not a matter of having a “trophy” wife lol.

That was what I assumed. If somebody just wanted a trophy wife, they would not choose somebody of a different faith in my opinion. I did point out I didn’t feel the age difference was a big problem in this case, didn’t I?

Is it so wrong to love someone of a different faith? Wow!

Two out of the three women I’ve been in love with are a different religion than I am, so no I don’t think it is so “wrong” :p

I do have to admit that if he was Christian I probably wouldn’t have the concerns that I have. Maybe I expect you to be more logical about it than I have in the past? I don’t know! If you do decide to pursue this relationship, I urge you not to move in with him though! What would his family think of that? You know if you were Muslim they might be OK with it, but since you are Christian they are bound to make unfair assumptions about you…. no matter how nice they are. Right? Anyway, I’m sorry if I said anything that hurt your feelings. Not my intention at all. I sincerely hope you find a way to a happy ending, whatever you decide to do

@Mais

The actual percentage increase in birth defects caused by cousins marrying is very minimal.

“…1.7 – 2.8 % over the base risk of about 3%, or about the same as that of any woman over age 40.”

http://www.slate.com/id/2064227/

@Ahmed Masri

Yes your so right! You were so precise, thank you Ahmed! Craig, sorry I might have mis read what you previously wrote. I understood what you were saying. You’ve been very helpful and not hurtful at all! Thank you

@Anonymous

Don’t thank me.. thank wikipedia!

The greatest thing to happen to the internet since the queen sent an email. hahahahaha

@ Ahmed. I never said cousin marriages should be outlawed calm down I was just adding it to the argument since anon already said she doesnt like the guy. I was actually looking at the bigger picture its okay as a one off but overtime, if cousins marry cousins, who then marry theyre cousins, who then marry theyre cousins, the bloodline is almost the same and there will be defects.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/newsnight/4442010.stm

http://www.thetech.org/genetics/ask.php?id=284

(both reputable sources) =)

PS I know arabs have cousin marrying in their culture I never said the practice was bad. I just outlined the health risks. There are health risks to everything. Its not a crime to mention them. Not everything is an attack. In nowhere was culture mentioned. I understand because the practice is in arab cultures some may get defensive but it wasnt. Some aboriginal cultures also practice cousin marriages. Cousin

Anon, good luck with everything whichever way it goes. =)

@Ahmed Masri

ahahaha you are so funny! BTW to my fellow Muslim friends, Happy Ramadan. Funny, someone actually got upset with me saying happy ramamdan to my best friend who is muslim. She said, “why would you say that when they never say Merry Christmas to us”? Which is not true because all of my muslim friends call me on all Christian holiday’s.I gave her a simple answer, we are ALL brothers and sisters through Christ. Amen.

Yes, I mentioned that I disgusted by him, but I don’t totally hate my fiance. I don’t hate him at all, I love him, I am just not IN love with him. I hate the way he treats me 94% of the time. We do have some great times together, but the negative ones are more which than overshadow the positive moments. You follow? He doesn’t treat me the way I deserve to be treated, and the way I want to be treated. But than again no one is perfect.

@ Anonymous

as simple as i am writing these words, as hard as it maybe for you;
you should get a job if you haven’t got one already, move out, cut every source of problems out of your life, that way you will not have to succumb to the influences from Mr. move in with me,your family and your fiance.

its hard, but i think its the only way to think and make decisions right.

I really don’t know what to say cause I have never been in a relationship or in love so I don’t have any advice. However @Mais There are many people from my family and family friends back in the middle east who are married to their cousin and Alhamdulillah all of their kids are fine.

Annoymous,
Thats a difficult situation. But 15 years older? And I totally agree with not moving in with him what the hell ? Dosent that seem a little bit fishy? But please dont run away that will cause tensions within your family. Sweety a man is a man, but your family? well their forever! There is the suggestion of looking for another man. But its LOVE, come on its either him or no-one am i right ? As for your fiance isnt there anything in your religion which gives the woman the right to not marry him if she wants? There is no hope in a relationship where the love is either 1 sided or no love at all, just for the sake of family. Well I know ive been babbling on and on probably no help at all but I dont know just adding my two cents in.

All i can tell you is maybe right a letter to your parents and express all the things you would end up yelling about, and see what they say. you might think its weird heck i thought it was weird when i tried it. But It helped a Little, oh and give them an ultimatum

I did not read any of the other posts, so I do not know if someone has said anything I will say, but here are my thoughts.

First, if you are having any doubts about your fiance, do not marry him. This might mean breaking it off, it might mean having some serious discussions with him and with your family regarding this. Do not take your fears lightly as they will only grow when you are married. My ex had fears before my marriage and their solution was to have an affair to solve their doubts, which led to a divorce. So, solve this before marriage no matter what or you will likely cause more pain for both of you after, do not assume he will change or that you will change.

Second, no matter what you do with your fiance, do not make it about your love interest outside of him. People often make the mistake that life will be happier with the other person. If you truly believe you are not to be with your fiance, don’t make the mistake to assume the other guy is right. Take time to reflect before moving forward or you will find yourself back where you started.

Third, never allow your parents decide what is right for you. If they love you, they will accept you, even if they take a while to come around. Your life is your own, not for them to live. Whether you change religions or stay where you are only matters to you and the person you are with. Choose wisely but choose for you.

These are all hard things to be thinking about no matter how old you are. I think the worse thing you can do for you, your love, your family is to act irrationally and run off with this other guy.

that is no good at all u have 2 make yr self happy b4 any 1 else even yr parents maybe he could change his region ?? but in any case i belive love is a gift from god i would never marry any 1 just because it makes my parents happy no way it would not happen NEVER i would get out of the relationship in r in as soon as possable my belive is u marry 4 love n nothing else or at least thats what people should marry 4 i dont care if yr muslim,christain,or nothing lol whats marryage without love its nothing its just 2 people that like each other n will never know what its like 2 be really happy u should marry some1 because u cant live without him or her not because u just can live with him or her if u found that some1 that u cant live without do what ever it takes n inshallah even if he dont change his religion n u r a muslim god will 4 give (but i cant speack 4 god )lol if he really loves u he should think about changeing his religion????n belive in it i say this caz i was a christain n i fell in love with a muslim girl n i changed my religion 4 her caz i would do anything 2 be with her i dont care what ever i have 2 do i will do it n thanks god after i became muslim i really belived in it n i love it more then ever(islam)

@Charlie Hayse

can you write in plan English? dont take this bad