Analysis: It is much harder to get rid of her

As you said about not generalizing, Most of Arab guys think like that, at first experiencing relationships with girls, trying to find the most of their Strengths and this mostly happen in college..

and at last getting a job and with force & tension of family to get the one married, they do what you say ..

and It’s not just with guys, There is a high percentage of girls that are trying now to have fun in every single moment of their time at college and at work before they decide to get married or find the right person for this ..

I would say this is due to the lack of self-confidence .. wrong breeding about how relationships would look like ..

I don’t follow the established way of having “fun”.

The rulings of my religion are very sacred to me. I do hold them very dearly and it is something that teaches me not to go anywhere near indulging myself with such evil. I try my best to live up to the standard that Islam prescribes…I slip sometimes…but not too hard to fall into the traps of the devil, ALhamdulillah.

It is not the common way of thinking, even among Arab men.

I would like to venture out on a limb and say that this generalization can be drawn into the male world in general. Often men want a girl that is pretty and not as smart as him. We attach negatives to girls who have been sexually promiscuous, we tell girls to shut up and not talk so much, etc.

I think it’s sad as there are a ton of great girls out there that will love you to death. Sure they may be smart as hell, but shouldn’t that be something worth wanting? If a girl wants a father for her husband, then good for her, but I think she’s missing out on many aspects of life. I would think an intelligent independent woman would be fun to be with, and to think, they want to be with the guy – how lucky is he?

Mais :

I think that once youve been told something is wrong and you live youre whole childhood and teenage years without it you cant really change youre behavior too much.

Don’t be so sure of that.
I know non-arab muslims who did “everything” after coming to UK which you can’t do in a muslim country! They were brought up in an environment where “such things” are seen as sinful and contrary to custom.

As far as I have seen it’s usually the people who have respect for their religion and practice it sincerely are the ones who stay away from a lot of “fun”. They can even break the stereotype and want that their life partners to be smart, educated and even minded because they may like to set up a relationship of respect and appreciation for the other and not that of a master-slave partnership.

@Abdullah

Are they muslim boys? If so its understandable, Muslim boys are usually allowed to do anything, the restrictions are mostly on girls.

Even if the muslim man initially doesnt want it to be a master-slave relationship, I dont think that any muslim man can ever truly think of a woman to be on the same level as him, because he is socialized this way, dont through religious islamic institutions, and made legal by the state. Whether that is bad or good is not something I want to comment on but I do think its important for any girl thinking of marrying a muslim man to be aware of those things. All too often I hear muslim and non muslim women say ”oh it wasnt like this/im shocked/i didnt expect this” due to lack of knowledge and research into the religious institutions and legal systems (sharia) used throughout the muslim world. Im shocked when I meet fully grown and educated! European women whove had theyre kids taken away from them dont know that Sharia law doesnt give women the same parental or custodial rights as men. Dumb Dumbs.

I think they want young naive and inexperienced girls for wives so that they won’t ever get complaints about what shitty lovers they are are about what selfish and uncaring SOBs they are, because their wives don’t have any frame of reference for that. But could be I’m wrong!

Sorry I can’t come up with a more serious analysis than that, but I can’t relate to the idea of trying to fine an UN-interesting woman to marry. Seems like it would defeat the purpose. What is a wife? Livestock? Or a (hopefully) lifelong partner?

@Mais

I’m not going into Sharia Law…but I get your point.
It happens to both Muslim boys and girls who come to UK and there is restriction on them in their home country. Since they look at the restrictions put on them as a burden instead of a blessing they seem not to have any self-restrictions either! They go wild!

Craig :

Seems like it would defeat the purpose. What is a wife? Livestock? Or a (hopefully) lifelong partner?

@Craig

Nice point!

I agree with what that friend of yours said. I also believe that a guy would want a gullible lady -or several of them for that matter- for the sake of doing whatever he likes. It gives him freedom when the wife he married sits quietly in the corner drooling over and entranced by the new silver bracelet he bought her.

As for the girls, they agree because they realise that they don’t have much to do with their lives. It’s either marry this guy, or bring shame upon the family.

Mais :
@Abdullah
I dont think that any muslim man can ever truly think of a woman to be on the same level as him, because he is socialized this way, dont through religious islamic institutions, and made legal by the state.

@Mais

I strongly disagree with your view. “Muslim man” encompass the entire world and they come in all sorts of size and colour. They have views that extend through out the entire spectrum. I have to agree that there are men of the type that you have mentioned. I guess you have not met too many muslim men who are not perverted having wives more qualified then themselves.

By the way, if the arab guys are such a big fan of marrying girls who are not smart….I guess the smart, educated and self-concious girls also get married….but to what kind of guys?

@Mona
seriously?

@Abdullah

The areas Im covering are Africa, the Middle East. I know that in East asia, Europe, and parts of North Africa its different. Im not talking on the humanist sense, Im talking about social, political, economical, and parental/family rights in accordance to sharia law. Offcourse people can ‘love’ each other on the same(ish) level.

@Mona

Good luck to her! Personally I wouldnt prefer to have a state marriage ceremony over religious, I prefer state law, especially in countries where its applied.

Abdullah said “.I guess the smart, educated and self-concious girls also get married….but to what kind of guys?”

Mona said “Old rich guys at the edge of dying. ”

Mona, are you going to marry old rich guy at the edge of dying? Nooooo! Marry me! Lol.

@Mais

I was born in North Africa….But I’ve got no idea as to what the culture is like.

So what’s your take on sharia?

@Mona

Yup…I’m quite sure that you are kidding because if the general guy can get married to an 18 year old…then a rich guy would choose a 16 year old or may be even 14! Not a smart-ass 30 year old….the guy on the edge will have to jump off the cliff of life! Now who would like to commit suicide in such a sad manner?

Hudaman :

Mona, are you going to marry old rich guy at the edge of dying? Nooooo! Marry me! Lol.

@Hudaman

And I’m assuming that you are not a filthy rich guy who is at the edge of dying pretending to be a guy who would go for the unsuspecting 18 year olds??!!

@Abdullah

I think all old guys at the edge of dying want the unsuspecting 18 year olds, but unfortunately for them they mostly aren’t that rich…

dont deceive yourself, all normal man like cute teengirl without concerned where he is from, religion etc. But everybody have difference culture, and I agree if they don’t lost each others

@Craig

So they compromise and settle for the smart ones??

@Hudaman

And I’m assuming that you are not a filthy rich guy who is at the edge of dying pretending to be a guy who would go for the unsuspecting 18 year olds??!!

I AM! hahahahahaah

I have a sweetheart of an Arab guy friend at university. He’s smart and good looking and he’s going to have a fabby job in two year’s time and he still wants a sweet, pure, Muslim girl from an arranged marriage even though he mixes with smart self assured girls every day. And his decision has nothing to do with control but everythhing to do with standards, he’s staying chaste all his life and prays regularily, he’d be gutted if he married a girl who was all sweet for the engagement but he found out later she’d already had sex with somebody else. He doesn’t want ‘plain’ but doesn’t want somebody who’s vain. He doesn’t want dumb but he’d prefer that to a highly educated girl who manipulates. He wouldn’t say no if he came across somebody who was smart and gorgeous and highly educated IF he’d known them long enough to trust they have a squeaky clean past. He’s been burnt before and doesn’t want to make that same mistake again.

It’s not just Arab men but Muslim men overall. I guess it’s because they want to be the one the bread-winner in the relationship and the provider for the family without any assistance from the wife. They also don’t want a woman who is making more money than them. However, all these things are changing now because men have realized an educated woman can greatly contribue in building a good family. And before I go let me add, all muslim men (good or bad) want to marry a woman with no exprience about life and men. I don’t know why but they should answer to us. Allah knows best:)

@Somali_Girl

Somali_Girl :
, all muslim men (good or bad) want to marry a woman with no exprience about life and men. I don’t know why but they should answer to us. Allah knows best:)

I don’t know what you mean by “life and men”.
There are guys who stick to the letter of the religion and remain chaste. For them to expect somebody who has similar background…I don’t find it unreasonable. But what I find very hard to understand is that men who had had many women in life but still emphasising that their partner in marriage be chaste! That’s just cheap double standard.

But it’s quite different to expect the partner not to be highly educated or having a higher income. I guess it’s the ego and the environment that nurtures that ego. I don’t know what definition of marriage these guys come up with!

My answer would be that the guys who were brought up in an environment where women are looked down upon and they can’t understand that a lady can be of the same status. Instead of considering how the qualification of a lady will greatly help in a marriage they end up thinking that they will be losing “control”. That beats the whole purpose of marriage. You don’t need to get married to show who’s the boss around…..there are easier ways to do that.

Most Arab men are not looking for women who are naive, or gullible, or lower than them, or whatever adjectives you guys used to describe the type of women that Arab men would consider as a partner.

Most Arab men, like other men worldwide (yes including North America/western Europe), look for the same qualities in a partner that women do. Believe it or not. Though, it looks like most of you don’t believe it, for one reason or another.

That is not to say Arab men who want such a woman are not out there. Such a person was, after all, described in the blog post. I am sure you will come across a person like this once in a while. It is not just some Arab men that think this way, there are some men who are European (including western Europe), Asian, African, etc. who would say this is the type of woman they want.

You know, this topic comes up in every other monthly news magazine or talk show, and no one comes up with a hard answer for what men or women look for in each other.

@mo

@Mona

How about somebody who is stable but 2/3 years younger?

My Pakistani cousin is having a hard time finding the right person. Since she is a doctor and studying for her Phd and on a very successful career it’s becoming hard to find somebody to “match” her. I don’t understand why guys can marry somebody younger and less educated but girls won’t(probably doesn’t apply to everybody)!

It’s called “Patriarchy” . A structuring in which the family unit is based on the man, as the father figure, having primary authority over the rest of the family members. Along time ago it also meant that the man should provide, protect, and sometimes die for his family and tribe, but in this day and age that concept seemed to have died a long time ago with the only thing remaining is the man having all control.

I find it strange that people blame this on religion, be it Islam or Christianity, since it has nothing to do with religion. It’s all about culture, Arabs regardless of faith do it.

Why it’s okay for a man to “bonk” every female organ in the room, and then have the nerve to reject a potential wife because she isn’t a virgin is beyond me. Frankly if my son was acting in such a manner I’d backhand him into the next century for shaming my name and my family.

Beauty and age matter not. For both beauty and age will fade away, but intelligence, self-respect and a pious soul last for a long long time and that my friends is what we should all be looking for…and maybe a few $$$.

@Mona
Well, that’s ok.

@Mona

It’s not related to you.
Can you tell me why a guy would be willing to marry a younger lady with less qualification but in general a girl won’t marry a guy say whose earning or qualification may be lower(but sufficient to lead a decent life)?

It it something very cultural?

I want to weigh in!

OK! so.. I think, in truth, and if we were completely honest with ourselves, we have NO idea what we actually want. NONE!

I constantly see men AND women fall for people who are the exact description of what they DO NOT like in a mate. Pretty weird.

Sigh.. you can’t control attraction. You just can’t. You can only hope that you will find yourself attracted to someone you can be with!

I think most of the arguments above about men wanting women who are easier to control and who do not challenge their roles as men to be fairly accurate, but also fairly shallow in description..

Ask yourselves this.. what is the common denominator throughout history? Men want women who will serve and please them, and women want men who will protect and care for them…. basically.. ESTABLISHED ROLES!

Today.. it is much much more difficult to fill those roles, on both sides of the fence, and I think it has nothing to do with age and everything to do with EXPERIENCE and ATTITUDE!

The more experience a man gets, the more he wants a woman without experience. A woman who has not traversed the field of manupulative dating and game playing.

And that is essentially what it is for me.. Race, Age, Creed, none of that matters for me. What matters is whether or not my potential mate can live and interact with me without challenging my role as a man. She must not emasculate me. Ever.

To clarify, emasculating a man has nothing to do with career and/or intelligence, and everything to do with attitude. I can marry a high-powered woman who works on wall street, and as long as she continues to make me feel like I am the man, she can make as much money as she likes… (Our kids would have what they want; what’s wrong with that?).

(I would like this on the record. Arab women tend to be very very good at emasculating men, regardless of financial and educational history.)

@Mona

See that’s the problem. How people are raised. If you remove Islam as the set of codes (The Non-Saudi Kind of Islam, you now like the NORMAL Islam) in which people are raised then what do you have left? Culture! And that’s bad! Because culture can be more easily abused then religion.

When trying to change people’s attitudes against certain things, like education, I ten to find using Islam against them works much better then using Western culture. Also they then admit that it has nothing to do with faith or culture, it’s just that they don’t want their daughter/son to do this or that.

@Mona

I believe that with sufficient education and appropriate role models, that trend of thought can be changed. But I’m an extreme optimist at times.

@Ahmed Masri
Nice

Arabs can be funny in a unique way:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpBlGKUp2TU&eurl=http://www.facebook.com/home.php%3Fref%3Dhome&feature=player_embedded

I am a 22 year old very educated Arab-American studying Speech Language Pathology… and I got married 2 years ago. I always wanted to be married and a mother, even though my education and work was always important to me, it was never my top priority. (not to brag, but I am damn beautiful, my hubby is lucky his ass snatched me up quick!)
Mona, you had said young girls who got married to men that have already been around the block were “last choice” I dont think that is true. I feel that they were first choice. Men are going to be men, period. They will play around with girls and have their fun, but those girls will never be “wifey material” and when those men do want to get married, their first choice will be the innocent young girls.
On a completely different note, I married a man from Yemen. A man that has never left the country, a simple man, a man with a clean past. Why? you ask. Let me tell you why. I wanted a man who still believes in respecting their woman, I didnt want a man-whore. I feel like here in the U.S and in every other non-muslim country woman are to easy, which makes it so easy for a man to sleep around. Nowadays there is a double standard more than ever in our arab culture… since when is it halal for a man to sleep around with woman other than his wife??? its accepted now even among our older men!If the men dont want to marry a girl with a “past” why should we marry a man with one? we dont need their damn STD’s and what-not! UGH I can rant on forever about this!!! ANYWAY TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT: I did what the men are doing, and got me a “innocent” man from back home and married him.

Zaina :
ANYWAY TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT: I did what the men are doing, and got me a “innocent” man from back home and married him.

@Zaina

Good for you
There is a pretty basic difference between what you did and what the “men” are doing. Many men represent double-standard. They do something(and like it too) but don’t like others(their “innocent” wives) to do the same!

hey thanks! umm random question Abdullah, how did u get ur picture up?

@Zaina

Mona gave me the link…

Go here:
http://www.gravatar.com/