Window shopping for a bride
Another messed up but very old Arab/Muslim tradition is the window shopping for the perfect bride! Some Arab guys are raised to have no personality, or are too busy to use a dating site to find a potential bride, or maybe meet other people through friends. So what does he do? He wraps his arm around his mother, and goes from house to house to find the perfect model like bride!
Cheap eh?
[source]
You see, my parents don’t allow this crap to happen, but the past weekend, was a pure exception full of lies. And in RAMADAN? Don’t tell my mom that I figured out her master scheme plan that she tried to hide so well from me a day before. I ignored it and wanted to see what will happen, and played along.
My mother hates these traditions. Hates them more then me, because she was ridiculed when she was younger that she was dark, etc, and wasn’t white enough. However, last Saturday, a lady called our house introducing her self as so and so. My mom had no clue who this woman is, but she is friend’s of a friend that my mom knows. I didn’t hear the entire conversation, but then she told me bits and pieces of fabrications after. It seems she caved in to this lady’s request to come visit and just “meet.”
She told me, she is so and so, the mother of a guy who studied the same crap as me in University, Computer Science. So I kept thinking, who the hell is this guy? I knew most of the Arabs who studied Computer Science. I don’t know this one. Is he that much older? Then my mom told me that this woman is coming the next day (Sunday at 11:00 am) and she is going to be busy doing something, and I have to sit with this woman for a bit.
I was like aha? Why? Who cares? What’s so busy and so important!?
I knew right away that this woman was coming to look at me. Eww! She was in for a surprise big time. Sorry, I meant I was gonna be in for a surprise big time!
I obviously didn’t give two shits about it; however, I thought that maybe something good may come out of it. Maybe the guy is very handsome, tall, very presentable, and has a good stable job, and obviously a nice personality. (Yeah right!)
Anyways, I woke up the next morning, got dressed in my household attire, track pants and regular shirt, and I didn’t care! This woman came for something, and my mom wanted me to sit for a bit with her. Why would I dress up for that?
I was sitting on the other side of the house watching TV in the family room, and the door bell rang at 10:50 am. Funny… Desperados? My dad answered, and I kept hearing him talk and talk. Blah blah blah. My dad loves to talk. Then my mom talked, blah blah. About 10 minutes later, my mom comes to the family room and tells me that this woman wants to see me. I said, “Why? Aren’t you and dad (since I heard him ever so loudly) are doing a good enough job?”
So I stood up, barely looked past the kitchen onto the living room, and there was a guy! IN A SUIT? An ugly striped dark blue SUIT! I hesitated for a second, and I thought what the hell is this? Then I stepped closer, and my mother behind me, and I just charged in the living room.
Nightmare.
The guy had major acne problems, looked goofy in a suit, and didn’t’ even stand up when I came in. His mother did. His mother was dressed funny too. She was short and heavily over weight, wore hijab (head veil), and a hat on top of that. Don’t ask me why or if I am lying. I AM NOT!
The lady shook my hand, and then I shook this guy’s hand, and he didn’t even get up. I didn’t’ say a word, and I tried to make my way out of this awkward ugly situation, and then the woman said, “You look my daughter. Blah blah!” I didn’t reply and just gave a faint smile. My mom then said, “Oh, is that so?”
I then just walked out. My mom and dad got the hint and so did these people, that ewww. What the hell?
The guy till now, I have no clue who he is, and I have a really vague recollection of him. He might be younger than me? Double eww.
When the window shoppers left, my mom came into the family room where I was sitting, and didn’t’ say a word. Few minutes later, she said, “I have such a headache from talking so much. ” I said, “No one told you to talk so much, and in Ramadan, and in the morning!”
Till now, no one in the house mentions a thing. I just laugh every time I think about it. However, today, my mom brought up the idea that guys who’s moms drag them from house to house to look at girls have no personality, and this is the worst tradition that Arabs still do till now. That a guy who wants a girl asks for that GIRL and not to look at her like an object to judge. It lowers a girl’s worth. I said, “Aha.. ?? I know that.”
I ended it there. I wasn’t going to question the obvious with my mother. Because she noticed from the beginning that it was wrong and she was overly hesitating. However, the whole situation brings up a good point. Window shopping for a bride is still a tradition that is well known, even in the Western Society, even in the Internet world, even with people with the brightest minds and highest education.
Don’t we all wish that maybe Arab parents should teach their kids some personality, instead of worrying about them getting a University degree?
Blah Blah, Culture, Funny, Random Thoughts, Religion, They said what?, Whatever!
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Wow, that sucks that you had to go through that. At least your parents knew it was wrong and didn’t agree with it. I have a friend right now who was pretty much forced to talk to some guy who lives in the Middle East while she lives in Canada, and try to get to know him because he is interested in getting married. It’s not as though he’s interested in marrying her, because he knows her or heard she’s a good girl, he just wants to get married. I don’t understand parents who do this to their children and make them go through it, thinking they are helping them. It makes me so depressed when Arabs/Muslims think this is the only halal way of going about it.
ok 1 thing i dont get is if he was good looking u would have maybe give it a shot so how can u talk about this lol its like moms n dads like 2 play matchmaker n if the guy dont have time 2 look 4 a wife himself (internet etc)hows he going 2 have time 4 his wife ?the thing i dont get is people say a boy n a girl cant be alone 2gethere but god says 2 lower yr gaze n dont any1 have any 1 self control i mean i talk 2 girls that r my friends n they r good looking n i dont try 2 do anything 2 them or even think anything bad i am going off topic now lol i mean why cant people talk boy n girl n without having any pressure put on them by there parents being there i mean if i was 2 meet a girl n mom was there 4 the frist time she is not going 2 get 2 know the real me anyways (even tho i am myself around mom)caz it would just strange 2 have mom there n me meeting her 4 the frist time thats 2 much lol anyways i am sure this happens lots of time n lots of times they fall in love (thanks god)it seems 2 me u would be up 4 it so dont say anything bad about it mona n 2 me it does lower a girl its really like the guy is shopping around its really dateing but with yr parents lol this is what people do here with there kids its called a play date lol
@Charlie Hayse
The reason I said that maybe I would have considered it, because I want to act like those guys with no personality for once and be as shallow. I want to know how it feels to lower your self worth for such a thing. Maybe then I would understand that maybe this is right. However, although I have a bigger brain than a lot of people I know, I would have never been able to do it. It was just a thought. Shallowness is something I try so hard to maybe think about and try to act like, but I can’t. It seems to be a hard task, but maybe we need to experience and think of such things every now and then to try to understand people. So far, I don’t understand people at all, because I am not shallow.
You say that folks mistreated your mother for being darker skinned, and that wasn’t right… and the first thing you mention about the guy that you don’t like… he’s dark… subhanallah you’ve not learned?
This tradition I agree can be unnecessary… for those of us with teh where withall to do for self and follow some other traidiotna dn polite ways of seeking a mate; that work inside of Islam. But, there are some folks; girls and guys who have personalities, but are shy or socially very awkward and need some help in finding a mate… usually they find eachother through this process… and it seems your parents knew its not hte process for you, but maybe didn’t want to pass on a chance that he could be your naseeb
you never know waht barakah can come in the Ramadhan…
@tas
We are not that dark. We are tan! Olive skinned. And like I mentioned in the other comment, I am trying to act for once as a shallow person and see how it feels. So far, I don’t like it.
And my parents don’t agree with this process. Didn’t you read that part? Not every guy you can possibly meet through this process is a naseeb. I doubt that works out nicely. Don’t Arabs/Muslims know what love is? Or is that just stories in romance novels and something that might happen after marriage. Any love story that is thought to happen because others are involved is really not love.
Why do Arabs must learn to love one another, if ever, instead of falling in love?
Man that’s too funny…Since he knows who you are I wonder if he is going to read this…
@Jason
Maybe he knows or seen me before at the University. However, no one knows about my blog. It’s not like you can search for me and find me out of all the Arab Mona’s in this city or country.
ok maybe what i said was confusing… i know ur parents didnt like the process…. i know the naseeb cant be found this way… i went through same thing with my parents, parading guys from “good families” in, like I want someone for their pedigree… like they breeding horses or something
and just like your mom said, my mom confidedc she felt that process is not the best… but I think they feel they have to give the cultural ting a try first… then you can find your person…. they use to always preach “quran says mutual attraction” before I was interested in marriage, then after I wanted to marry it was like, ok he must meet this criteria…. laundry list…. and then they went back to “mutual attraction” and marry someone who is like you and that is a good march/fit….
but I know some folks who can barely talk to their own siblings… too shy or just not able to open up… they need help… “window shopping” has its place for a minority of folks, it is pretty mniserable for everyone else to have to go through it as well
True very true.
I can’t understand why he didn’t even stand up for you. He let his mother do everything. What if you did hit it off. It would be his mother you would of married not him… She would of tried to control his part of the relationship. If that is how he wants to go about finding a bride he is going to have to step up his game. Or just marry his mom…
@tas
Now I understand what you meant and I agree with every word you said!
girl, if you try to say “falling in love” before marriage is allowed/opssible that is an arguement you gonna lose… I can hear all the older women ‘waht you need to love him BEFORE marriage for” … ” you will LEARN to love eachother later”…. and waht about consumation, does that make since consmate now and LOVE later? isnt that like what’s in the heart for zina? isnt that what you want to avoid? I been married a while now so it’s not the biggest issue for me but I remember it was very tense for a while… waiting for my parents to go through the list of suitable/available guys that look good on paper but couldn’t fit the bill
ok, i’m gonna get off your blog lol……good topic
You just reminded me of the Oedipus complex.
@tas
Can you imagine sleeping with someone without loving them? It’s like ….
@Mona
ok i got ya now but u shoulden try n change yrself tho i mean i am sure theres some lucky guy out there 4 u somewere that will see things the same as u maybe u could meet like this who knows ??i say b4 i dont really like that idea caz it really lowers the girl i think can a girl do this 2 go around n meet men like this n see who she likes ?anyway u shoulden have 2 change 4 any1 (or even try) or just 2 meet some1 i think n the reason i think why u cant do it caz its not u its not who u r p.s i am super sorry if i say something wroung
@Mona
cant imagine it, that’s a COMPLETE STRANGER touching you.. no way…then you are like dating inside your marriage, waking up like, ugh waht’s your name again?? lol
in all seriousness this was ok back in the day when ppl get married and you know the guy from your village and he’s gonna be gone for busienss traveling, caravans and stuff (obviously I’m talking waaaaaaaaay back in the day)… but now just marry someone you dont know on their credentials and move in tomorrow, not gonna happen…
That was just too funny. At least your parents got the hint and won’t be bringing anymore guys around. But be careful, they probably won’t bring guys over anymore, but I’ve heard stories on how parents shows off their daughters to other suitors without them knowing it.
By the way, even if that guy was great-looking and wearing an amzing suit, the fact that he didn’t stand up when you walked in the room says a lot about his character. Its those little things that tells a lot about a person.
@tas
but how can u say this was way back when (sleeping with some1 u dont love)lots of muslims get marryed like this now they meet with there parents n then a week or 2 later they r marryed n sleeping togethere n they r still so called learning 2 love each other lol (if u have 2 learn 2 love some1 thats not love )its like u r leaning u love him/her caz now u r marryed
Thats crazy! This topic is so depressing. Its times like these that being arab drives me up the wall. Im turning 26 in April… and according to my father im over the hill and now should only look for suiters double my age. Yeah wont happen in my lifetime. Its really frustrating because as if its not hard enough to find a compatible match as an arab/muslim girl… you have to get the approval of the parents too. Effing impossible. I think this whole thing would be a whole lot easier if muslim parents didn’t act like hell is gonna freeze over if their daughters actually talk to a guy. I believe a girl can socialize with the opposite sex without necessarily sliding down a pole and sucking on her fingers.
Its as if women dont have a brain on their shoulders to make good judgements on their own. Ill never get it. lol Anyways I went off topic… to sum it up… I’d rather be die single and happy than paired up with a stranger and forced to get along with that person.
that is hilarious, if i were you i would have asked him questions that made him freak out.. thats the advice i give to all my friends when their mothers go window shopping for them in weddings, and wedding video tapes. the plan was the moment the coffee is served and the interview begins ( and it is an interview because some awkward questions are asked) one should following the following guide line:
1 put a smile on your face because this shit is going to be funny. if you dont do that it will be just awkward.
2 prepare a list of questions that will make them freak out but in mixed order between normal and absurd
example:
do you like children?
do you like anal sex?
what are your hobbies?
would you consider marijuana as a hobby?
would refer johnny walker whiskey and smirnoff vodka in thier arabic names
yu7ana el mashi and samira noff?
3 when the parents come in and ask how things went look at the parents sincerely shake your head and walk away silently
these steps should work…. however i dont suggest you drop a magnum condom wrapper in the couch and tell the parents that it is the golden tickets from williwonka…. ( this is a true story that happened to my friend in his home village of the beirh ) :up:
@Charlie Hayse
yeah its still probably the monst popular way most muslims getting married around the world… maybe not in western countries, but I think its still the most common if you added up … I meant that back then it was necessary, maybe cause of travel that the men do, you know you read alot of hadith or stories that so and so married and left on the caravan and came back 18 mos later, or that folks married through correspondence, although they knew who eachother was it was arranged and blah blah
so you could say it had a place in the culture and time “back in the day”, but now it just seems that there are so many ways to keep physical distance and still get-t0-know the potential mate, and stay halal there is really no reason
I know parents getting involved at middle school cause they see they kids like eachother, they call a shura… ok so, these 2 kids are intended how we gonna manage it… its like wooooooooooow a little crush and you’re ready to talk mahr….. whoa nelly
@Mona
honey sometimes it hard to sleep with a man and you love him, they can make you so mad lol… no i cant imagine at all the “learn to love” method sucks, and to me lacks compassion… I just think of how nervous and innocent and scared I was, and my husband too… I think the only thing we had was this new love and interest for eachother…. but if I didn’t know him at all, and even if it was like ok here’s this attractive stranger my parents assigned to me… I know I could not go through w/ it… I would have been one of those brides crying and sleeping in another hotel room that you hear about…
a little off topic, but I saw this article about a Muslim couple married 2 years and not intimate… did anyone see that? I think they met on their own though, cant remember… I know this happen alot in arranged marriage though, cause the girl is like; no way man, I don’t know you hands off the cookie jar!!
I had a Palestinian-Lebanese friend who was living in Qatar. After she finished High school she got forcefully engaged to her cousin in Lebanon. Then she went to Australia. She freaked out and dreads the day they will be married because she describes this whole relationship as “marital rape” or “consensual rape” because technically you’re married… but you only stay married so you can have kids, you end up “just friends” looking after the kids (depending on how many you have) and just staying married with no love simply because “al-talaq huwa 3aar” divorce is shameful. Then when you disagree or argue you have no power… sometimes this may lead to an abusive relationship. I’ve seen this A-LOT in families I know and its very sad. There is no intimacy, sex is a duty and pleasure is not mutual, you talk to each other awkwardly, once you have kids you put on a show of “care and affection” for them simply because divorce is a sign of shame in your family, you only cooperate because you have to… and its almost as if you live like this as duty/cultural/religious ritual. I reckon its f*cked up ritual and it probably contributes to some abusive relationships in the Middle East which most Westerners blame on Islam… when actually its cultural and Islam does not permit such actions.
Al7amduliah ya Mona, masar heeychi beech nitmana naseebich yikoon saeed wa be kol al-han’a wal-sa3aada. Allah yihfidaich min al-taqaleed al-im3afena wa yihfid kol al-fatat al-3rabiyat inshAllah.
P.S. Kol 3am wa inte ib-5eer. Eid Mubarak to you and everyone else
This is an odd tradition, tho I’m sure it works for some people. I did find it interesting that although you pointed out some of the physical flaws, it sounded like you were more upset that he didn’t show respect to you by standing when you entered which I would have not liked as well. Anyone who is “window shopping” should at least have enough personality to recognize when a beautiful girl walks into the room you should stand to show her respect.
@Desert Shark @Moonstar Silverwolf
My assumption that he might have been short and realized that I am way too tall!
So that’s why he didn’t stand up. Or maybe he was just a chauvinistic male who thought he was the king and shouldn’t stand up for anyone.
take up sniper shooting as a hobby and just drop in the “fact” that you have shot the last 5 guys who came for window shopping and got 4 successful kills(you’ve tried Chinese bullets for the first time!)….
Since nobody said anything about marriage in the conversation….it’s more likely that nobody will mention of marriage after hearing about your harmless hobby!
@Mona
They call them one-night-stands. I wonder if he was up to doing this or was forced himself.
Eid Mubarak peoples!!!
Didn’t get up to shake your hands?! Little things like that can make you tell his personality. I think it’s disrespectful.
Very whack of him to say the least. Glad your parents didn’t co-sign on the madness. To answer your question: book sense without common sense or personality is a waste of man.
Hold out for what you deserve.
I enjoyed this so much! I have been telling my Syrian Muslim friend how degrading I find this practice. (And, yes, I know my western perspective is just different, but it is what it is.) His brother recently went through this shopping-for-a-bride experience and I was like “ah, that’s how we shop for cars and appliances here.” For some reason I just find it insulting for a woman to be shown off to a parade of guys and then he can choose which one he likes. Yes, I know the woman can choose whether or not to accept and that makes it SOME better. But stillllllll. I’m glad to know Muslim Arab women think similarly in some cases.
i have a question can a woman do this also (check out a bunch of men n chose who she wants 2 ask 4 engagement)??
@Incandescent Chimera
thats sad
@Charlie Hayse
In Islam, a woman has the right to accept or reject the man who’s representing himself for marriage. If the woman accepts and she gets the consent of her guardian then the marriage is permissable and the contract is valid. However if the woman does not accept or her guardian does not accept, then the marriage is not permissable and the contract is void. A guardian has the right to refuse a man for his daughter for no reason, if he has a bad feeling about the man. Also in Islam, if a man gets refused, he will not be told the reason why, unless if the guardian chooses to tell him. If the man asks why (he shouldn’t), the guardian will say for personal reasons.
I hope this has answered your question.
@Charlie Hayse
The first answer was about marriage, as for engagement the same applies when it comes for acceptance or refusal, from both the guardian and the woman. If the woman along with her guardian accept the man representing himself for engagement then the spouses may get to know one another, but under supervision. What is meant by supervision, it is not direct as long as they are people (family memebers) around them. If the spouses choose to go out, then a third person must join. Like the girl’s brother or the boy’s sister. I know that this might sound as backwards thinking or old fashion, but this is however the proper Islamic way.
Last but not least,engagement is highly encouraged in Islam, because it is very important to know the person to whom you’re getting married to.
@mohamed
a imam told me that 4 a marryage 2 be vaild all u need is 2 sane adults man n woman that both agree that they want 2 get marryed n 2 witnesses (male) or 1 male n 2 females so if she is off legel age n sane u dont really need the consent of the guardian as long as u have 2 witnesses i was just wondering if girls does this 2 thats all (window shoping )
@Charlie Hayse
It is true what you say, but this applies only for if the woman got divorsed or if she’s a widow. If the woman is a virgin (getting married for the first time) then she will need the consent of her guardian.
Hadith:
“It is the saying of Nabi (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam), ‘Listen! Women should be married off only by their (Shar’ee) guardians (Wali) and their Marriage should take place only with suitable matches.’ (Akfaa).’ (Daaraqutni and Bayhaqi)â€
@mohamed
i thank u 4 yr answer but i dont like it lol if the girl is sane n of legal age she can decide 4 her self i belive n ofcourse the parents should accept him anyways if this is what the girl wants salams
really then 4 a girl thats never been marryed its really up 2 the guardian who she marrys its really not her choce its her gurdian
Of course!!! if the girl does not accept, then the parents cannot force her. If the girl chooses her spouse and her father refuses, is because the father sees what his daughter cannot see and knows what his daughter does not know. Remember that a father loves his daughter nd wants the best for her.
Salam and Eid mubarak
@Charlie Hayse
No bro you misunderstood, both must accept (daughter and her guardian)
yeah i know ofcouse the girl has 2 accept so if the dad knows best why dont he still know best 4 her if she was 2 get marryed again 4 a second time ?
n i just dont understand why a woman (adult woman)cant make her own choice i mean she can make her choice but its subject 2 her dads choice this is what u say n if the dad can see something in him that she cant well that can go both ways so over all its not her choice in the end its her dads caz he really has the last word
s
he can be the best guy ever n they really love each other n the girl really loves him but lets just say the dad dont like his colur he (dad)can say nope yr not marrying him n thats that
@mohamed
salams
First, sorry for not making myself clear. What I meant in my previous comment was if the girl accepts the man, then she can only marry him through the consent of her guardian. When the girl gets married through the consent of her guardian and she ends up divorcing, thats because it was a forced marriage (most of the time) If the girl accepts, then inshallah it will be a healthy marriage. In love with each other? hmmm, I wonder how did they fall in love. If a guy meets a girl talks to her and gets to know personal things about her behind her family’s back then this is not Islamic and he should get refused based on his religion and character. Even if he talks to her with respect and never shakes her hands, still he has no right to talk to her in order to get to her because he likes her without the awarness of her guardian. However, we are allowed to talk to girls if it’s a formal conversation. As for the color of skin, dont see this as racism. For example, an Indian who asked the hands of an Arab girl and her father refused, as we all know, the Indian has darker skin than the Arab girl, but this has nothing to do with the color of skin, but rather with kafa’ah (suitability and compatibility). An Arab father has the right to refuse a non-arab simply because he’s a non-arab, because lineage is part of the kafa’ah.
I hope my answer is satisfying.
You mean a short nerd with acne, who apparently can’t find a date and is rude to women is not your kind of bloke?! You’re just so picky, that’s your problem
@Charlie Hayse
Another hadith I forgot to mention:
The Prophet(PBUM)said: “Any woman who married without the consent of her Wali (guardian) her marriage is null, her marriage is null, her marriage is null” [ Imam Ahmad the Imam of Sunan]
Salam
Hey Charlie –
Interesting that according to your quote the Prophet doesn’t make any reference to the consent of the WOMAN. Are you sure the Prophet was so uncaring about women ? I doubt it – I bet his message has been twisted by MEN who followed on from who changed his message to suit their own ends.
Islam isn’t alone in this subordination of women. Christian fundamentalism, which seems to be growing, especially amongst the ignorant in America, Judaism, Hinduism – they all try and enslave women. The sooner we ALL drop ALL these religions – which are really methods of control – the better.
I love the 1950s way of trying to get you a husband. Feel sorry for the guy though, he must hate the fact that his mother drags his sorry ass to girls (who aren’t interested) in order to get him married. The rejection must be painful.
ps. again, marriage comes op and the comments go through the roof
This is great! I think this whole conception of bride shopping…It happens in the Middle East and America even with Arab Christians…It is not a religious but, cultural thing. I think people should be allowed to marry whoever, and whenever. I am soo sick of this arab arranged marriage stuff as I see it happens even within my family. Great Post Mona ♥
@mohamed
again i think u 4 yr anwser but i know this what i say is there is a imam that told me 4 marryage if the girl is sane n of legal age n u have 2 wintesses n the man n woman agree 2 marry then it is permissible he never say anything about her being a virgen or anything like that n lets just say that the dad is racist he can say no yr not going 2 get marryed 2 this man simple because he the dad is racist n dont like his colur n no 1 can question him this is what u say n again i say i belive a woamn can make her own choices n she should really have the last word no boby is perfect yr dad or my dad they make mistakes 2 i know there r bad parents out there caz theres good n bad everywere i have 2 say i love islam n i dont agree with the dad haveing this power over his darrther in this way it is really up 2 him who she marrys not her
@Caledonian Comment
i dont think i said anything about the profit(pbuh)all i am asking is that why dont the woman her self have the last word on who she will marry the way i see it now is that he can be the best man in the world but if her dad is racist or just dont like him 4 some reason what so ever he can say no 2 his darther u r not marrying this man thats it (crazy i think)i mean i know its very important 4 the parents 2 accept him but like i say maybe the dad is racist or something this 2 me is not right nor is it islam the woman can be 23/24 or even 30 years old n never been marryed so why she still needs the consent of her dad (i know she should have it )she is a grown woman n can make her own choices or at least thats what i belive the more i think about this the more mad i get what about those dads out there that r not good dads caz there out there salams