Another messed up but very old Arab/Muslim tradition is the window shopping for the perfect bride! Some Arab guys are raised to have no personality, or are too busy to use a dating site to find a potential bride, or maybe meet other people through friends. So what does he do? He wraps his arm around his mother, and goes from house to house to find the perfect model like bride!
Cheap eh?
[source]
You see, my parents don’t allow this crap to happen, but the past weekend, was a pure exception full of lies. And in RAMADAN? Don’t tell my mom that I figured out her master scheme plan that she tried to hide so well from me a day before. I ignored it and wanted to see what will happen, and played along.
My mother hates these traditions. Hates them more then me, because she was ridiculed when she was younger that she was dark, etc, and wasn’t white enough. However, last Saturday, a lady called our house introducing her self as so and so. My mom had no clue who this woman is, but she is friend’s of a friend that my mom knows. I didn’t hear the entire conversation, but then she told me bits and pieces of fabrications after. It seems she caved in to this lady’s request to come visit and just “meet.”
She told me, she is so and so, the mother of a guy who studied the same crap as me in University, Computer Science. So I kept thinking, who the hell is this guy? I knew most of the Arabs who studied Computer Science. I don’t know this one. Is he that much older? Then my mom told me that this woman is coming the next day (Sunday at 11:00 am) and she is going to be busy doing something, and I have to sit with this woman for a bit.
I was like aha? Why? Who cares? What’s so busy and so important!?
I knew right away that this woman was coming to look at me. Eww! She was in for a surprise big time. Sorry, I meant I was gonna be in for a surprise big time!
I obviously didn’t give two shits about it; however, I thought that maybe something good may come out of it. Maybe the guy is very handsome, tall, very presentable, and has a good stable job, and obviously a nice personality. (Yeah right!)
Anyways, I woke up the next morning, got dressed in my household attire, track pants and regular shirt, and I didn’t care! This woman came for something, and my mom wanted me to sit for a bit with her. Why would I dress up for that?
I was sitting on the other side of the house watching TV in the family room, and the door bell rang at 10:50 am. Funny… Desperados? My dad answered, and I kept hearing him talk and talk. Blah blah blah. My dad loves to talk. Then my mom talked, blah blah. About 10 minutes later, my mom comes to the family room and tells me that this woman wants to see me. I said, “Why? Aren’t you and dad (since I heard him ever so loudly) are doing a good enough job?”
So I stood up, barely looked past the kitchen onto the living room, and there was a guy! IN A SUIT? An ugly striped dark blue SUIT! I hesitated for a second, and I thought what the hell is this? Then I stepped closer, and my mother behind me, and I just charged in the living room.
Nightmare.
The guy had major acne problems, looked goofy in a suit, and didn’t’ even stand up when I came in. His mother did. His mother was dressed funny too. She was short and heavily over weight, wore hijab (head veil), and a hat on top of that. Don’t ask me why or if I am lying. I AM NOT!
The lady shook my hand, and then I shook this guy’s hand, and he didn’t even get up. I didn’t’ say a word, and I tried to make my way out of this awkward ugly situation, and then the woman said, “You look my daughter. Blah blah!” I didn’t reply and just gave a faint smile. My mom then said, “Oh, is that so?”
I then just walked out. My mom and dad got the hint and so did these people, that ewww. What the hell?
The guy till now, I have no clue who he is, and I have a really vague recollection of him. He might be younger than me? Double eww.
When the window shoppers left, my mom came into the family room where I was sitting, and didn’t’ say a word. Few minutes later, she said, “I have such a headache from talking so much. ” I said, “No one told you to talk so much, and in Ramadan, and in the morning!”
Till now, no one in the house mentions a thing. I just laugh every time I think about it. However, today, my mom brought up the idea that guys who’s moms drag them from house to house to look at girls have no personality, and this is the worst tradition that Arabs still do till now. That a guy who wants a girl asks for that GIRL and not to look at her like an object to judge. It lowers a girl’s worth. I said, “Aha.. ?? I know that.”
I ended it there. I wasn’t going to question the obvious with my mother. Because she noticed from the beginning that it was wrong and she was overly hesitating. However, the whole situation brings up a good point. Window shopping for a bride is still a tradition that is well known, even in the Western Society, even in the Internet world, even with people with the brightest minds and highest education.
Don’t we all wish that maybe Arab parents should teach their kids some personality, instead of worrying about them getting a University degree?
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@Caledonian Comment
i dont think i said anything about the profit(pbuh)all i am asking is that why dont the woman her self have the last word on who she will marry the way i see it now is that he can be the best man in the world but if her dad is racist or just dont like him 4 some reason what so ever he can say no 2 his darther u r not marrying this man thats it (crazy i think)i mean i know its very important 4 the parents 2 accept him but like i say maybe the dad is racist or something this 2 me is not right nor is it islam the woman can be 23/24 or even 30 years old n never been marryed so why she still needs the consent of her dad (i know she should have it )she is a grown woman n can make her own choices or at least thats what i belive the more i think about this the more mad i get what about those dads out there that r not good dads caz there out there salams
@Charlie Hayse
Look bro I dont who this imam is and you’re not even backing up anything you say!! Me, you and every other muslim are in no position of saying agree or disagree so we always have to be careful with what we say. We can only think differently if there’s a difference of opinion, for example we may lean towards on a school of thought more than the other. Again as for racism, if one day you represent yourself for marriage and you get refused, you will never know the reason why. So never accuse the father of him being racist, you cant just assume and accuse it’s haram. The father might be racist, but you cannot make 100% sure. If one day, Allah blesses you with a daughter, would you allow her to marry any random guy? What if your daughter wants to marry a jerk, jackass, he’s not religious at all, he’s a bum. Would you allow your daughter to marry him? As a future father inshallah, you will be responsable for your daughter and if you marry her off to anyone because you’re not being careful when accepting or refusing a spouse for her, then you will be judged on the day of judgement.
@mohamed
How would a Jewis-muslim mixed marriage look? One side of the isle goes “Mazzeltof!” and the other side would be shooting guns into the air.*
“a jerk, jackass, he’s not religious at all, he’s a bum”
Do you mean ‘what if your daughter would want to marry Bill Gates?’
@mohamed
i respect yr answer n thank u n i am not accuseing any 1 of being racist i am just saying what if the father is n he dont allow his darther 2 marry this guy because of that would that then be right (i dont think so)n like u say the dad could do this caz its up 2 him n he dont have 2 say the reason why he can just say i have a bad feeling about him that 2 me is crazy n insshallah if i ever have a daughter she can marry who ever she wants if she really loves him n he really loves her that 2 me is the most important inshallah god will help them with the rest n i wont say anymore on this matter just that if 2 people love each other n want 2 get marryed who is anyboby 2 say that they cant this itself is a gift from god i belive (the love that 2 people share)so how can anyboby even her dad say no u cant marry this guy remember allah knows best n this is just how i see it (belive it)n i know it is very important 4 the dad or parents 2 accept n again i dont understand why a grown woman cant make her own choice n that be that i belive her dad or whoever should respect her choice n accept him anyways (as long as he not a bum n has some kind of life)i wont say this anymore but really by what u say it is the choice of the dad who his dauther marrys not her n getting her fathers love is more important then getting her love caz u cant marry without his concent now that is crazyyy god 4give me if i say anyting wroung but by what u say this is really how it is
@mohamed
p.s i dont need 2 back anything up with what i am saying I DONT LIE its up 2 u if u belive me or not i am just saying what i was told n what i belive i dont mean 2 sound rude salams n happy eid
@Charlie Hayse
I’m not saying that you’re lying, all I’m saying is that you need to back up what you say from ahadith or verses from the quran. When we talk about religion we always have to backup what we say, even scholars do it.
Believe in what you want bro…lets agree to disagree
Remember when you inshallah get married, and the guardian refuses then you have to respect his opinion because you cannot impose your personal beliefs on other people.
think about this is it allah that makes 2 people fall in love n love each other n want 2 get marryed or is it allah thats makes the guradian refuse 4 some kind of supid reason now i am not saying that every parent or guradian refuses 4 stupid reasons but i am sure that some do anyways thnaks 4 yr input n yeah lets agree 2 disagree salams
@Charlie Hayse
I agree with you, Allah makes two people fall in love, but sometimes it just happens as part of life’s learning curve. Our naseeb is already decided for us… its written and sometimes Allah creates reasons for what we want not to necessarily occur. This is not always the parents fault. “Wa3sa an tahaba shayaan wa huwa sharan lakum, wa3sa an takraha shayaan wa huwa khairan lakum”… Translation “Sometimes what you love may be bad/evil for you, sometimes what you hate may be what is best for you” – a verse in the Quran commonly quoted in my house… I can’t remember the reference though. I wish you all the best with your future. Kind Regards & Eid Mubarak.
I guess online dating has that same window shopping element to it. But, it’s almost the opposite, in the sense, that it’s somewhat possible to weed out the people with no personality. Translation: Losers.
Sorry, that was harsh, but it’s a cold Monday and my kids are out of control. Off to school.
BBpluto
“ONE of THE GUYS”
@Incandescent Chimera
i just really belive that she is the 1 (so plz god make her be the 1) another 1 is the best thing 4 a man is a pious wife (hadith)n it dont get any better then her no offense 2 u (i am sure u r a nice lady 2 lol)anyways thanks 4 the wishes n happy eid 2 u 2 n salams 
yeah i know that 1
That was the right attitude to have towards such clowns! :pirate:
Does that mean the guy saw you before at university?
@Wilmaryad
I don’t think so. I don’t know him.
Do arabs shake hand with the opposite gender?
great post! this has happened to me before, once with a religious zealot! I wrote a post about meat markets that are arab weddings http://yuppieactivist.blogspot.com/2009/07/weddings-middle-eastern-remix.html
Yea, I’m an Arab-Indonesian and I still witness that kind of thing happen. Here. With me.
I think it sucks, unless the guy is the perfect man we girls want. Lol.
Kidding. I won’t ever want to get married that way.
Mona,
I found your blog by searching on how to wear a hijab. First, I must say that I am male, and second that I am not Muslim. I was raised Roman Catholic but these days I don’t practice and am trying to find my own way. I’ve been doing a lot of research about Christianity, Judaism and Islam. Anyway, I am sorry that you had to go through this old tradition and I commend you for at least going through with it to make your parents happy. I agree that this is an arcane tradition. Decent moral people can get to know each other without falling into temptation. Like Charlie Hayse said, what ever happened to self control? Well, I think I’m going to subscribe to your blog now, keep the good posts coming. I currently don’t have any Muslim friends, but until I do, I look forward to learning a little bit about your culture. What better way than through the rants of a rebelious arab girl?
@TrackSol
People end in mona’s page when they are searching about all sorts of “other” stuff!
So are you a researcher?
@Abdullah
If you mean researching for a class or that this is a profession, then the answer is no. I am simply doing my own “personal” research to learn about other cultures and faiths. Surprisingly, one can find out a lot about oneself by learning about others.
@TrackSol
well said. Peace be onto you.
@mohamed
Bukhari :: Book 7 :: Volume 62 :: Hadith 67
Narrated Abu Huraira:
The Prophet said, “A matron should not be given in marriage except after consulting her; and a virgin should not be given in marriage except after her permission.” The people asked, “O Allah’s Apostle! How can we know her permission?” He said, “Her silence (indicates her permission).”
note it says here after her permission not her dads or anything ?Bukhari :: Book 7 :: Volume 62 :: Hadith 66
Narrated Sahl bin Sad:
A woman came to Allah’s Apostle and said, “I present myself (to you) (for marriage(n this 1 she came n presented herself it dont say anything about her dad even being there )?
Bukhari :: Book 7 :: Volume 62 :: Hadith 62
Narrated ‘Aisha:
(regarding His Statement): ‘They ask your instruction concerning the women. Say: Allah instructs you about them …’ (4.127) It is about the female orphan who is under the guardianship of a man with whom she shares her property and he does not want to marry her and dislikes that someone else should marry her, lest he should share the property with him, so he prevents her from marrying. So Allah forbade such a guardian to do so (i.e. to prevent her from marrying).
this 1 i dont fully understand but the last part lol anyways salams n i just reading hadith n see some of this lol