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A permanent scar

A lot of people have asked me what is wrong with me. Why am I so negative about love or so pessimistic in even thinking it may happen. You see, this is the type of post I try to avoid. However, today, I will discuss some things that may clear up a lot of misconceptions or provide answers to those who care.

You see, my problem was the trust that came from being “in love,” and the meaning of real love, if there is such a thing. I don’t believe in two people being genuinely in love. I find it to be a fairytale for those who are hopeless romantics and believe in it. See, I am negative again.

Moreover, a lot of non-Arabs email me and ask me for advice about Arab guys or girls. Most of them are girls who have Arab boyfriends or want to marry one, blah blah. However, most of the emails I get are from skeptical ladies that ask me, “Are Arabs to be trusted? I hear bad things about being in a relationship with them… ” blah blah.

I can’t really answer them because I can never generalize. I mean let’s all be real here, yes, a majority of Arab men have this idea that a woman should be this and that. They can never understand or accept any other. I am sorry to say this, but it is true. Can you imagine being an Arab girl who falls in that category of being one of those women that Arab men will never accept?

The Arab society has this standard of men and women. A man can do whatever the hell he pleases, but a woman has to be a certain way. If she is not, then she will never be accepted or even looked at. She will never fit into a stereotypical closed minded society. Anything in the Arab society that is not understood, then it will never be accepted. See, I am negative again, send me hate mail.. I am waiting.

So really, what is my problem?

I have talked to several Arab girls who experienced the same thing as me. Some of their stories are worse obviously, but most of them are the same. A girl likes a guy, the story escalates, then something happens and problems start arising, lots of fighting and making up, and then one day, the one who just couldn’t handle it anymore (me), gives it a quit. I had enough. So I told him to leave me alone, I had enough after all these years. Let’s stay apart. In the back of my head, and from knowing him for many years, that it was just a time out. Leave me alone for a while to think and maybe scour other options.

Unfortunately, about 5 or 6 months later, he gets married to someone else, although we were together for several years, and it never popped into his head or ever dared to.

So, yeah, I am bitter, but I have every reason to be. I have no trust in Arab men because all they want is to have a girl by their side that makes them look good, says yes to them, and knows nothing about all the crap that they do behind their backs. Hate mail coming. But I am only talking about typical Arab guys. I know there are lovely open minded ones out there, but they are still hiding!

Like I said, I don’t want to generalize here, but yah. That’s why every time I am interested in a new guy, and try to get to know him, when things get a bit serious, I just end it. Maybe it is just this unconscious decision that I make. End it now, or the same shit will happen again. I always wondered if those guys ended up getting married 2 or 3 months later because they found the opposite of me.

It’s funny living your life knowing that you are the opposite of what guys wants. Not only that, over time you keep looking at your self in the mirror and thinking, ” I am really not pretty or ever wanted.” I think I just met guys that are like everyone else, the typical Arab guys, and I have not found someone outside the norm yet.

So, if you have been reading my blog, and many of you do, and scare the hell out of them with actually remembering what I wrote about my self or thought about a situation a year ago, then understand this: I am not crazy, I am not pessimistic or hateful, but I was just like all those other girls that got hurt, and I try to brush guys that I suspect will do the same thing.

Unfortunately, days pass, months pass, years pass, and that scar will not go away.

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36 Comments

  • I totally understand the scar. I have it also but we have to move fwd. I was with my ex for 10 years. He was from Oman. I went to visit him and part of his family a few years ago. We were each other’s best friend…confident you name it. When he had to return to Oman after finishing his doctorate he cried like I have never seen a man every cry in my life. It hurt both of us but he had to return. And we kept in touch and he paid for me to visit and all expenses. Well, his family said that we could never marry because I was not Muslim and not Omani. Though I have a wonderful job, published a book, have three degrees (two are Master’s)I was still considered not good enough and it hurt. Allot…but as the years slipped away I realized I still have allot to offer someone and though it hurts not to be with him (and we keep in touch) he knows I have to move and and told me that he will never marry. His brother said that all my ex does is work and has no life and that the brother told me his ex plans to never marry. I found out that my ex had dated but that no one “measured up” to what I gave him. That gave me a small amount of satisfaction however sometimes we have to let go and the love I had for him will always be there. Like you when things start to get serious…JUST LIKE YOU I walk away…The scar will remain but I cannot continue hurting for him. And you are so young, vibrant, intelligent…find out what you want and go for it and maybe some day He will come along…sometimes this happens when we least expect it. Didn’t meant to write such a long response but know I have been there and I understand.

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  • [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Mona, Mona. Mona said: RT @rebelliousgirl A permanent scar http://bit.ly/5svAjR [...]

  • Ah, so that’s what had happened to you. I had been wondering.

    “Can you imagine being an Arab girl who falls in that category of being one of those women that Arab men will never accept?” <— This is prob the thing I hate most about my life, thanks for voicing it, I feel like I can relate.

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  • I have been reading your blog (excellent blog) for a few months now. I have grown up around and live with one of the largest Arab communities in the Western hemisphere and I know this is not as problematic as one would make it out to be. I still do not see what you think arab guys do that no other type of guy does. These relationship problems are very widespread. I have seen these complaints lodged by women at all types of guys. Let me ask, will you ever read an email that simply says only the following: “I am in a relationship with a/an ________ guy, and there are absolutely no problems at all.” Fill in the blank with whatever nation/school of thought/political party you want. First, I bet a person gets very few of these emails. Of the ones that person does get, they are not as memorable as the disaster stories they hear or read about and that person will ignore it.

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  • @Janet
    Sad sad story. I feel your pain, but you are right, time to move on. It is hard, but it has to be done.

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  • @Leila
    Yah.. your welcome.

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  • @mo
    I know there are problems everywhere. I am talking about my self here. I am writing a post about me that is regarding my situation. If I start analyzing everyone, then there is no point of me writing in this blog. I can generalize everything that I have written to every culture in the world. However, I am not. I am only writing about me.

    I don’t understand why people keep telling me that, “oh, this could be applied to anyone.” I know that.. I am no different than anyone else, but I am the one that is voicing about me, the way I feel about it, and the things I can talk about and I can relate to only.

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  • “Can you imagine being an Arab girl who falls in that category of being one of those women that Arab men will never accept?”

    don’t you think you are overstressing? no offense but don’t you think you are being just a little too negative and melodramatic. first off – please let go of your past, just let it die would u? if we all lived in our past we’d never get anywhere and trying 2 analyze the motives of your old bf is not going to get you anywhere. you’re young, educated, good looking and you seem to have it together (can I get a alhamdulilah) — there are lots of people that don’t even have half of what you have. You shouldn’t worry of what a typical arab guy wants but what you look for in a guy and hopefully you’ll find it. You’ll find your match but don’t be self-sabotaging. Also — maybe you need 2 get out of your small town, travel a bit. Sometimes it can be suffocating to stay in the same town around the same people you grew up with. Change is always good.

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  • @randomgirl
    Didn’t I start this post saying that I am too negative and pessimistic? I wasn’t hiding it.

    Anyways, it’s hard now to get out of this town and change. I work here and live here. It’s like I am stuck here!

    Until then, I can complain, think and write whatever I please on this blog. If you don’t like it or think it is too dramatic, then go to the next optimistic little fake blog that you can find.

    Also, el-7ammdullah for what I have. But like the way God created humans, we always want more, to always be better, and to strive for better things.

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  • [...] “in love,” and the meaning of real love, if there is such … Here is the original post: A permanent scar | Rebellious Arab Girl Share and [...]

  • wow why are u so defensive! as a public figure hun ya gotta roll with the punches lol. anyway why does everyone have 2 be either a hater or a fan? I like ur blog but I’m just expressing what comes 2 my mind. I wasn’t trying 2 say u have to be all fake and positive ya know. i’m just saying – live ur life. I know no one thinks they’re perfect and we all gotta deal with stuff in life but sometimes u just shudn’t let ur past define u.

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  • @randomgirl
    Of course I am defensive. This is still my blog with personal opinions that I have to defend. I don’t mind your comments. I actually enjoy reading them, but don’t ever expect me to be all nice, dandy and happy. And I always tell people who don’t like what I write to go on to the next blog that is fake. Believe me, I have read so many. I can’t believe the effort that people put in writing a fictional tale on their blogs.

    Anyways, keep on commenting! I like your “other view points.” It’s refreshing and something to think about. However, most likely 95% of the time I will not agree and tell you that I don’t. That’s just me. I am defensive and very opinionated. If I wasn’t, I would have closed down this blog within the first 6 months.

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  • well anyway u can always be the second wife of your ex can’t you? ha ha LOOL okay i promise no more bad jokes..okay on a serious note, my question is — Do you think you are getting anything out of sabotaging your relationships? Have you ever been upfront?

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  • @randomgirl
    I have been upfront with some, and some kind of figured out why I did it. Most know about my blog actually, and the reason they wanted to talk to me cause of it. However, I guess I am a bit more reserved and afraid in real life. I guess my blog is a good way to express that fear. You know what I mean eh?

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  • so are u like a local celebrity? does that kinda make it awkward or at times maybe even stalkerish because they read about you? did your ex read your blog?

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  • @randomgirl
    Local celebrity? No! lol I am just a girl with a blog, and I had it for 4 years. Yah, the dreaded Ex did read it, and he hated it. He also hated the fact that I called my self rebellious! “Such a bad thing for an Arab girl to call her self,” he said!

    Blah!!

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  • So sorry that you’ve been burned a few times before. So often we get gun-shy because of a few bad experiences. It appears that you either give up and they move on, or you put up too many barriers and they find someone they can get along with easier. I know I have told others this before, but you have to be comfortable with who you are before you can be with someone else. They say that a watched pot never boils, so if you are not looking for it, it may just happen before you know it.

    The best of luck to you. I hope that you can figure out this challenge and not give up totally.

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  • ahhhh ‘hate male’…..love it.

    There is no permanent scar. So what? I think that when you find a sower of love, of giving, then that person will sew up scar’s tears with smiles that will last forever beyond years.

    :cry:

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  • Interesting post.

    Ok, so all of this negativity was due to an old issue with an ex?

    Arab men are really not that different from the rest of the men in the world. Men are men everywhere, unless if you are speaking of the redneck ones!

    There are many possible explanations for his behavior. He may have wrongfully understood you and thought you wanted to breakup or something. Not all men easily understand women. Trust me on this. And yes, both brains function differently. He might have taken it personally. But then again, there might have been major differences between the two of you or maybe he was just a plain out jerk. Possibilities are endless.

    But damn it girl! you left him for 5 to 6 months? what do you expect him to do? Sit there and wait for you? do you know his circumstances? Personally, if a girl asks me to leave her alone and said she had enough, THEN acts like it, ie. stopped contacting for 5 months, I’d next her in a second. Even if I still love her. Maybe I’m different, but dignity and pride is above love in my book.

    I don’t want to take either of your sides since I don’t know the details and can’t judge who owes who what.

    On another note, I totally agree with you that women are oppressed in most eastern cultures. Sometimes even in western societies. It is so common that sometimes women don’t even see or feel it. They think it is the norm. Almost all religion books have phrases that clearly state that women are inferior to men and should obey them or something. Either all of these books were corrupted, or it was just a big hoax!

    Anyway, nice controversial posts you make. This is what makes a successful blog. When you get hate email or diff opinions, you are on the right track. You are not doing it right if you are not pissing someone off. Those who say will leave your blog because of your posts or opinions on certain matters, do and will come back again. A visitor never truly leaves a blog. I hope you don’t ban anyone except the spammers.

    Also think about taking a short break from your daytime job if it is stressful. Make some free time for relaxation and meeting new guys if you want. Think social gatherings, where you can meet and scan over 10 in one day. The more you meet, the more options you have and sure enough you will find your jewel.

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  • I know men from virtually every continent and cultural/religious background and in my experience there isnt too much difference from one to another. Its more upbringing and circumstances (in my experience) that have a larger impact. And you know Im not being biased because of the things Ive said on here about Sharia Law. I think if youre going to marry a man, the most important thing to think of is what kind of environement youre children will be brought up in. Personally, if I have children with whoever, and they think they can run around like stray dogs, theyre going to have a first hand experience of what hell on earth is. Youll find someone, youre wonderful. Smile.

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  • Thanks for sharing this with us and I’m sorry you got burned so bad! There is certainly a certain ‘Arab’ aspect to the normal ‘evil men’ stuff and it’s good to point that out – particularly the women to ‘look good’ thing… I have a hard time sometimes explaining that well to people because it can also be so diverse within families…
    Anyways – on ‘love’ (sorry – side note to your posting!)… I think too many people have the Hollywood idea of love and anyone who has been in a long-term/marriage relationship usually (or, I think they should!) knows that ‘love’ isn’t at all the fantasy that the movies show it to be… it’s such a developing thing, which is why in so many languages there are so many words for the different kinds and levels of love. I would LOVE (hehe) for people to get a more realistic idea of what love and relationships mean… there are too many dumb people getting married.

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  • @Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)
    Thanks… but I am not giving up totally, but describing why I say and react to things negatively. I have my reasons, and I am hoping to talk about them, and slowly try to get over them with you guys’ help!

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  • Itachi :

    But damn it girl! you left him for 5 to 6 months? what do you expect him to do? Sit there and wait for you? do you know his circumstances? Personally, if a girl asks me to leave her alone and said she had enough, THEN acts like it, ie. stopped contacting for 5 months, I’d next her in a second. Even if I still love her. Maybe I’m different, but dignity and pride is above love in my book.

    I understand your reaction, but you would go off and marry anyone within that time frame even though you were with someone else for way way longer? I just don’t care if a guy moves on and finds another girl, but marriage? That’s what I am trying to explain here. Marriage is a major commitment, but for some guys it is just a way to tell the other person, see, you were never worth it for me to reach that level of commitment! I found someone else that didn’t care about anything else in life but be a good girl.

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  • @LittleP

    In Arabic there is only one word for love (khub), but like english many different branches of it, like affection, mercy, compassion, faith (mahabbah, raheem, rahman, iman) But still only one word for love
    Same thing in english, and most other languages.
    The one language that I know of which gets involved with the love word is Greek.
    There is
    Eros – One sided erotic love, ie, I’m going to just love you because you give me good things.
    Pathos – Mutual love, well you love me so im just going to love you and thats that.
    Agappa – Unconditional Love, which i think doesn’t exist because the one condition for true love is always forever!

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  • @Brian – thanks! You put that much better than I did. I guess I always hear people talk about ‘love’, but in actuality are putting it in different branches like love of a friend, wife, child, etc. But, I mostly see that aspect in Latin languages and you are right that it’s probably more about branches otherwise :)

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  • @Brian
    The Arabic word for love is “Hub” not ‘khub.’ Where are you learning your Arabic from? This is not the first time I see you write Arabic wrong.

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  • Thank you for not putting all arab men in the same category in your post. Although I have to say we’re not in hiding so much as we are few and far between.

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  • @Desert Shark
    Well obviously I have no intention in putting all Arab men in one category. That would be stupid and closed minded. I know there is the good and bad in everything. However, the bad seems to over cloud the good, and the bad seem to be more wide spread too.

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  • @Mona

    Not only that, over time you keep looking at your self in the mirror and thinking, “I am really not pretty or ever wanted.”

    That really got to me. I guess its because you saw the scar and it still looked like an open wound? No one should ever make you feel like you’re less of a person. The guy clearly had issues, and I really feel for you. ::Sending e-hugs::

    I’m sure your wound will turn into a souvenir of battle. It makes you stronger, more mature through all the chaos. Keep brushing off the guys that aren’t worth your time. Maybe one day, one will be crazy enough to stick ;-)

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  • @Mona

    :razz: I know it in Arabic, not in transliteration. I’m learning from various sources, friends, books. I think it most proper for you to correct me on my love, a love that only you would know, and I yearn to know.

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  • Mona :

    I understand your reaction, but you would go off and marry anyone within that time frame even though you were with someone else for way way longer? I just don’t care if a guy moves on and finds another girl, but marriage? That’s what I am trying to explain here. Marriage is a major commitment, but for some guys it is just a way to tell the other person, see, you were never worth it for me to reach that level of commitment! I found someone else that didn’t care about anything else in life but be a good girl.

    Ok, you do have a point and I guess for girls this is very painful. However, I still urge you to find out his exact motives behind this. One possible reason is that he was really hurt by something you said or did and it was a no return point for him. I am of that type. It is either black or white for me, and when it is over, it really is over. It isn’t necessarily a good feature, because life needs you accept the grey colour sometimes.

    Do you know for a fact that he loves you? Or was he just playing around with you? You can’t blame him if you were “giving off” signals of “non marriage” material. Does he still love you? I know you do- you should be if you haven’t met anyone after him and it still bugs you- , but don’t know about him. But then again, he may have never loved anyone else but you, but was forced to marry another.

    You see, many young men are also victims of society and giveup under family pressure and such. I hate it and never accepted it. If both of you were young back then, it is very likely that someone screwed with his head and made him marry that other girl.

    Excuse my ranting, but for some reason I feel I need to help. Let me know if you are still interested in this guy and whether or not it is ok for you to get him back. However, I suggest you go meet 10 other guys first, then decide whether you still have feelings for this one. If after that you still do, then he might be worth the hassle.

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  • Mona :
    @Brian
    The Arabic word for love is “Hub” not ‘khub.’ Where are you learning your Arabic from? This is not the first time I see you write Arabic wrong.

    And this just cracked me up real hard! LOL!

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  • @Itachi
    No, you are thinking way too much into this. I hate his guts. I cannot stand him or want to ever see him again. Obviously, you have not been reading my blog for long, or even know half the story. You would not be saying this crap at all if you did. I don’t have time to explain it, and you have to do your job of searching through this blog’s archives to know. The whole point of this post is the fear of knowing someone again and the same treatment to happen again, because unconsciously I have this view of what Arab guys might end up doing to any girl, because I heard many similar stories. Do you understand now?

    As for meeting 10 other guys first, then times your total by 2 or 3. Because don’t worry, I have talked and met many guys. I am just picky, or feel that I don’t want to deal with the same thing again so I end it quickly. It’s a subconscious problem. It has nothing to do with loving some shit head from the past. It’s the idea of what would happen if it got too serious. That’s all.

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  • I think that it’ll be a bit tricky for Arab guys to get along with you because of one thing. You know how Arab guys are always dominating women, and how terrible they are, etc? It’s only true that Arab girls also have certain attitudes that aren’t precisely likable. :roll:

    This is my humble opinion, but I feel that you want an Arab guy who doesn’t act like a typical Arab, but at the same time, you act a lot like Arab girls. Certainly more educated and liberal, but nonetheless, pretty Arab. Before (or if) you ask, I’ve lived in the Holy Land long enough to know how Arab girls act. :razz:

    Basically, I think that you have a double standard with Arab guys due to your negative experience with them… so I don’t blame you. It’s sort of like “Affirmative Action” for Arab Women, if you know what I mean. ;-)

    Take care.

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  • @C.J.
    Maybe you are right. I have to think about that some more.

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  • It’ll take a very patient man, but if they are truly someone worthy of you, patience will be something they should bring with them. Love takes work and it will be hard to maintain it.Every woman deserves to be treated in a way that highlights her desires not his, while at the same time she returns the favor to him. We are often too young to realize this until it’s too late, so while you are alone now, I firmly believe when the time & man comes, your happiness will exceed all.

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