What do I think of me
I will try my best to describe how it feels to be depressed for so many years, and slowly trying to recover. I refused to take any depression drugs while I was suffering from such a disease. I think I was living my life in denial and refusing to convince myself that I had a problem. I still have a problem, but I am slowly trying to solve it so I can live my life normally. What ever normal means.
My depression was worse from the years 2003 – 2008. I have excluded 2009. Although I seemed a bit crazier last year, but it was not caused by depression most of the time. I was just furious, and I tried at the best of my ability to let it all out.
If you tell me, “Oh, I was depressed too sometimes,” then I will ask you, “How far did it go? How did it affect your life? Did you wake up in the morning at times and say to your self, ‘Why am I still alive?’ Have you slept one night crying for no reason? Have you tried killing yourself enough times that that last pill just didn’t do the job and you wish it did?”
Suddenly, when your mood changes to normal again, you have no clue what happened or what the reason was to begin with.
Cause
When I look back at all this, and the things I remember doing to myself and thinking of the reasons why, then I tell my self, “Thank God I found a better way to live and know what life really means.”
I saw so many wrong things in the world. People did or still do the most bazaar things that make no sense, and it seems that their life is fine. For them, life is great! Or they just think it is.
Moreover, people used to abuse me mentality in their own way. Why? I don’t know. Do they know that they did? Maybe or maybe not. Each person is selfish in his/her own way that they don’t care what they do to others, as long as it does not affect them.
Since I was little, I was very secretive as people kept labeling me. In reality, I just didn’t know how to express my feelings. I didn’t know how to let it out when I needed to, and I was afraid of what people thought of me. All the pain just kept building up inside of me. I didn’t know who I was as a person, and people didn’t know either. I was just moody, naive, too nice, and most of the time very distant. Also, I am known to not like gatherings or seeing people. Why? I will tell you why.
You see, I guess when you grow up having no idea what’s going on around you, and seeing how corrupt everything is, then you would inevitably keep wondering, “Why am I here? What’s the point of me?” Then you meet people that are all happy and cheerful, and their life is wonderful in your eyes, then you ask your self again, “Why not me?”
I tried my best to never be envious or ask God to harm them or anything like that. I don’t think that way, and I really avoid to think that way as much as I can. However, every time I did, I kept it inside of me, and it kept building up more and more. I kept saying why me? Why me?
Time
As time passed, I became gloomy, distant, and disliking everything around me. I tried to express it and just tell people, “No, I don’t like it, who cares.. blah blah.” I heard stories, saw everything wrong around me, and I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I kept telling myself, “That’s it! I had enough!” However, who would hear me? Who would care to know that I had enough?
I was always afraid to express myself, because people were very judgmental. Instead of helping me, they kept judging me and refused to understand me. People refuse to understand what they don’t know. If they don’t now it, then it is odd and unacceptable. People around me kept defining life in an obscure standard way, and I had to accept it and live with it. I didn’t know how or understand why. I just didn’t want to be like them or live that way.
2009
After quitting my job in late 2008, and sitting at home contemplating life for the majority of 2009, I finally realized what I had to do. I reassessed everything about myself. I reassessed everything and everyone around me, and realized the underlying cause of my severe depression. I woke up one day and said, “Fuck it. I don’t care about anyone or anything. I will start by changing myself, and screw everything around me.”
I became heartless, cold, and distant. I wanted to figure out the truth. I wanted to sit down and do nothing. I wanted to wait and see if things will change. Will others realize? Will things change because I changed? Will things get better or worse?
As time passed, things started unraveling. People who were hiding behind their thick skin slowly showed their true colours. They thought that throwing a few words here and there, and stating the most pathetic excuses to hurt me, or hiding the truth and thinking I will never find out, will do anything to affect me.
Recovery
I still care, and I am very moody at times. I still suffer from depressive episodes, but I try really hard to convince myself that I have to keep going. I want to think positive. I have never in my life thought positive. Strange as it may seem, I never knew how or why. Also, when I don’t blog for a day or two, then you have to assume that I am trying really hard to recover, and not show the world that I am weak.
Finally, on this blog, when I write somethings that seems arrogant or unbelievable, you have to excuse me. I just write them because I am trying to convince myself that I am worth something. I was not born to just live life as nothing. There is a reason that I am alive and well, and I have to thank God for that. God didn’t put me on this earth to do nothing. I have to do something, even if it is so tiny and insignificant, but it is something.
You can call it arrogance, chauvinism, or hungry for power. My only reply is, “I am still alive because I have hope in something. I have goals in life, and reason to live. I never did before.”
Angry, Blah Blah, Culture, Depressed, Random Thoughts, They said what?, Whatever!
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hey mona…
“I am still alive because I have hope in something”
That’s the way you should think. I tell myself something kinda like that too. Life is short and we never know when it could be over. So we just have to find that “HOPE” and press on. On the other hand we also have to just focus on our own state of mind sometimes and not other peoples. Do what you do and just keep keeping it gangsta homie haha
@Jason
Thanks!
Me too. I suffer from depression and have tried all the magic pills and therapy but doesn’t work. I live for my daughter because she is the light of my life.
Living with depression is a daily struggle sometimes even an hourly one but finding a way to vent and to express oneself is the key to keep going.
Thank you for sharing us in your life Mona.
@Janet
Your welcome. I really appreciate everyone that talks to me through this blog and is willing to understand. I am glad you are part of my life.
Its really good that even when u were down u never asked God 2 hurt any1 or anything that shows a really good side of u n alot of people get depressed sometimes i think that in its self is normal (as long as its sometimes n not alot)life can be sooo hard sometimes n when it is u have 2 look 2 the good things the simple things may Allah bless u mona n be with u p.s mona this is none of my bussness so u can tell me where 2 go if u want but i am wondering do u pray everyday like r u relgious ?
First, I’ll say, you are courageous to discuss this so openly in front of the world. I’ll answer your questions, since I have also been depressed, though I have never seriously considered suicide, all else most definitely applies. So, here goes – “How far did it go?” It went too far. Nearly destroyed everything I hold dear, however, much like an addiction, once I hit bottom, I saw what I needed to do, which is what it sounds like happened to you as well.
How did it affect your life? – I lost many friends, pulled away from family, damaging those relationships even to this day, but I found a new strength in myself as I grew and realized in myself what was happening. I have managed to do a lot more in my life since I realized the depression in me was controlling me, instead of trying to control it. I still have my ups and downs too, but I do my best to manage it.
Did you wake up in the morning at times and say to your self, ‘Why am I still alive?’- Yes, but not often, and as I mentioned, I never seriously considered suicide, which I am thankful for, even though the thought did cross my mind at some point.
Have you slept one night crying for no reason? – Many more than one night.
Have you tried killing yourself enough times that that last pill just didn’t do the job and you wish it did?â€- No, and I actually say to myself now, Thank God I didn’t.
Stay strong, I have read your blog for awhile and one thing I can say from your posts is that you are a strong person, and if no other reason than to be here in earth, you bring people hope, and that is more than a reason to live.
@Charlie
Religious.. a little bit religious.. I try to be just a bit more and live life peacefully.
@Kevin N.
Thank you. That last sentence really makes my heart happy.
@Mona
thats good news mona salams n hope u have a great day tomorow
It is strong of you to talk about it. That’s a positive step in fighting it, I suffered from depression in my early 20′s and was in mess for a while. I am currently on meds as well since after my daughters birth I suffered post partum depression.
This is not a light matter and I tried to deny and what not but I realized if I did not take care of my self I couldn’t take care of my kids.
I also have OCD and anxiety but hamdillah control it.
I hate the stigma attached ESP by Arabs. But I don’t care anymore. This is something I’ve inherited and the fact u took action to fight it shows I’m strong
keep ur head up girl
@Dena b
Thank you!
Well you have managed to get this far which shows you’re strong in your coping mechanisms. Cheer up we all struggle in different ways… I have bipolar and I’m stuck on happy pills every night and eventually I got over the side-effects. You have done well. Stay strong and beautiful dear
Mona, Mona, Mona,
As always you touch a nerve with me. It may sound odd but I was glad to read about your struggles. I am not alone. But first, I must say you present yourself as angry, bitter while you may have a sharp tounge at times you are also funny, smart and insightful. Ok, I have also struggled with depression. Yes, I have considered suicide, I became an addict and alcaholic to try to finish the job. I tried to OD every night but I still woke up the next day. That went on for years. When I sobered up I felt like some kind of dark alien that no one on this planet could relate to. I had seen too many things been too many places that most people don’t come back from. Now I am working on a Ph.D. I keep wondering why I lived thought it when so many others did not? Do I deserve to be alive? So my antisocial behavior increased. I isolated myself more.
This made the depression worse.
Now I just keep trying to remind myself that getting a PhD is an achievement that most don’t do. That alone may be the reason I am still alive. Then I tell myself I need to do it for the others that I left behind. The grand irony is that those addicts were the best friends I ever made in my life. The old \lifeboat\ bond.
What I hope you take from this is that you are not alone either. And that you have affected lives in more ways than you will ever know. I can only speak for myself as one who has been there. But thanks for making me smile on days I really needed to. Believe me that is huge for me.
Keep you head up.
Marc
ps give the happy pills a chance it is amazing what you find out without the filter of depression in the way.
Mona, you are doing a smashing job much better than you think. Knowing the problem is 50% of resolving the problem. You are an intelligent,strong and gutsy woman with a not a so conventional sense of humor closer to warped and bordering on the cynical if not cynical at time. But, most of all you are hopeful and believe in yourself, Kudos.
Hey you have so many people reading you and thinking about you. Keep your chin up and stand tall. As I tell my daughter sometime, NEVER SAY DIE
I don’t know how much you know about me, but when I first started commenting on this blog, I had just come off anti-depressants after nearly a 2 year struggle with depression, the cause I believe was ultimately related to emotional abuse & neglect by my ex. It took me all of 2009 to realize it was not my fault, it was not me. I became more religious, did something similar to you and tried to stop caring what others thought. I still struggle once in awhile. But, my life is changing for the better, possibly going in a new direction all together.
You are a wonderful person & I hope that your struggles become less and less every day. It’s okay to be weak, it’s okay to be mean, but it’s not okay to allow others to beat you down to a point where you question your own existence. Keep being wonderful, I admire you, respect you and thank you for your support & friendship.
Mona I know you were having a really hard time. Youre coming out of it now though, and youve changed a lot. I went through a very difficult time when I was younger so I understand. Happiness and health and good energy youre way x
@Incandescent Chimera
Happy pills.. the moment I hear that I feel like barfing..
Ahh.. thanks for the support though!
@marc
I am glad I made you smile. My humour is really sarcastic, and I intend to make fun of the most mundane situations. I always thought this, “You know, if life is kicking you in the ass, then make fun of it.”
@Oussama
Thank you!
@T Rana
Thank you for the support!
@Moonstar Silverwolf
You should cheer up and take life easy, and always stand for what you believe in! 
Sweet words! Means a lot to me my on-line friend!
@Mais
Thank you Mais! Everytime you comment on my blog, you bring joy to my little world!
@Mona
I plan to. You should do the same
Sharing your problems, even if its with a million people you have never met, is a good way of dealing with them head on and overcoming them. Glad you’re coming out of your depression and are finding reasons to live your life the best you can. don’t worry about being a little crazy in 2009, we all go a little crazy sometimes.
@Desert Shark
Thank you.. I learned from life that people who think they are sane are just fooling themselves.
I don’t know I think.. somehow depression has something to do with intelligence. I see many talented and highly intelligent people struggling with depression.
yes, I heard that also. Some of the greatest minds, poets, writers suffered from depression. It’s like they feel life so acutely that their hearts cannot contain everything which they see….
I gotta remember that line.
Another great post. I spent a lot of years depressed, too. I think that depression is partially a result of modern culture. We have more information on how things are screwed up, but little ways to fix it.
I’m impressed you didn’t take medication. I think that was a good choice. I think the most important thing to recovery is a good attitude, and that refusing medication is a sign of self-respect which can lead to an end to depression.
I think other people are not so depressed because they are not sensitive. There are plenty of things to be depressed about in our world, if you notice. Some people don’t.
Your self-image is different than how you look to others on your blog. I always think of you as confident. Your posts inspire to be more assertive. I originally started reading because of the “don’t take anyone’s shit” attitude.
Anyway, glad that things are looking up.
Oh, here’s an article about what I mean about American culture relating to mental illness:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/10/magazine/10psyche-t.html?pagewanted=1
Hi there!!!
Greetings from Northwich. My names is Burcu and I am originally Turkish. i’ve been reading your posts since a while.
And believe me sitting at home and doing nothing is not my style at all.
I just wanted to ask you how would you feel if you were me. A person who got married 5 months ago and quitted my job and moved from Istanbul ( such a big city , the population is 17 million) to a small town in northwest of England ( northwich- just 30.000) , have no friends, no contact at all, no job either. The job opportunities are so limited for me here and i don’t know what to do
Anyway, i just wanted to share what i’ve experienced since 5 months.
Have a great week and keep posting!
Burcu
I find that too many people want to be a certain way and get down because they are not the way they envision. This can lead to depression because they do not see a way out of the hole they find themselves in. It is very refreshing to see that you are aware of your struggles and am trying to overcome them.
I know that I am not the best person to give advice because I don’t know you very well, but be aware that there are people who are concerned for your well being. I have a phrase “When you’re stuck in a hole, who’s looking in”. You appear to have a great support group from people who read your blog and leave very supportive comments. Yes, there are also those people who like to kick you when you’re down, but they are like bullies who are weak and have no real power over you. Change comes from within and it looks like you are on the right track to overcome your struggles.
Thank you again for sharing,
I am in awe that you are so open and honest on your blog. I think that it goes without saying that Muslim women have a much harder time than most others…fitting in, dealing with strict parents, etc. I can absolutely relate.
I am glad that you are doing better and that things are going well for you. Thank you for this post! I think a lot of us can relate.
@Hudagaya
Really? hmm.. interesting.
@Leeroy Glinchy
Well.. I am way over sensitive!
@Burcu
Why did you move? Cause you married? Just keep your chin up and think positive.
@Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)
Yes.. I became utterly depressed because I wanted or thought I should be something else in life. I should have done or been someone else.. and I made too many unrealistic goals that I couldn’t reach, and it made me more depressed. So, I just learned to not care and go with the flow.
@Ameena
Thanks Ameena for your support!
I think we see the world in pictures or little movies of others and ourselves, but I somehow figured out that people have the ability to make other people believe their pictures if they played the part. People pick up what you show yourself to be unconsciously or consciously. In the end nobody’s life is perfect. There were some people in my life when I first met them or when I didn’t actually know them I would have given anything in the world to be them, some had lives with extraordinary experiences others had guts, confidence or seemed to me as if they knew who they are, what the want and where they are heading. It’s scary to comfort such people because one thinks they are going to make their lives more miserable but the truth it’s just the opposite. After talking to those people I learned that everyone carry’s their baggage around with them, no mater who they are. I know this sounds like the most boring and ordinary thing to say that you probably have heard so many times before but it really works, accept who you are, your life and make the best out of it. My mum keeps saying for some people the cup is half empty and for others its half full.
@Mariam
And my mom tells me, “Hope gives people a reason to live.”
@Mona
true I guess, because there is always a possibility that MAYBE something MIGHT happen that COULD change something
@Mona
@Mariam
Exactly! That’s good thinking right there!
Assalamu Alaikum and hi…
Hope you are doing good
… I am glad to read that you have gone from bad to worse to good again… Forget the people who bother you.. 
They anyways are mad…
I am glad you are still here for all of us
:):)
@Khadeer Ali Mohammad
Awwww.. thanks!
Hi Mona,
Good to hear that you are back from depression, you have made so many friends and the there would be hundreds following you. Your blog gives hope seeing your never to say die attitude to people who have so much bad happening in their lives. I don’t know much about you, but whatever i read about you, Looking at the positive side you have a great job, working on a good project, loving and caring family and compare your self who don’t have any of these privileges.. i hope you get what am trying to say.
Don’t worry & be happy and if this blog of yours makes you depressed then stop reading it again
tc and good luck!!
cheers,
sanjay