I don’t know how to explain the feeling of being free and having your own car. It’s the most amazing feeling. I don’t feel constrained to anything, or sharing my ride with anyone. I am glad I got a car now and not earlier in my life. I think I did well by saving the cash and paying for my car one time. I think I am gonna enjoy this. I may suck at parking, but seriously, 50% of the people do to!
Let’s talk about work. Today it was suggested that maybe I need to work over time, and they will pay me for those hours for about 3 or 4 months. That’s like over 12 hours a day of working. I am really thinking about it, but I am very hesitant if this will really happen and I am asked to formally. I don’t know if I can handle it. I am barely handling my current life situation of having no free time, but over time? I don’t know.
I know it would be nice to have an over flow of money coming in, but I am thinking if I was going to do it, maybe I will go maximum 10 hours a day. What do you guys think? So 8 am – 6 pm. Hmm.. the programmer’s life. They want so much from our brains!!
In the meantime, everything is good. I know there were some negative comments or overly concerned comments in the past couple of posts, but you guys know what? Life goes on. It is not meant as arrogance or thinking highly of my self. It is more of comfort and thinking about my self. I want to learn to do that, because the reason I was hurt in the past because I kept thinking of everyone else first then me. Maybe some day I will try to find the balance, but for now, I want to find what my comfort zone is. Once I do, I think I will slowly change.
Finally, this weekend is the long weekend! Wohoo! Yaaay!! I needed some free time!!
I will get straight to the point regarding my last post. I didn’t want to reply to people’s comments, and just read people’s opinions and try to come up with a clear answer. Many of you don’t know the real story, although I wrote about it on my blog in explicit detail around December 30th of last year, but I removed that post because of several rebuff remarks from the crowd. I won’t get into anymore details. However, several of you wrote that I should go to the wedding and appear as the stronger person, blah blah, but you guys missed the point. The point is, I am tired of being someone’s after thought.
You try living your life as the last person someone thinks of. Or a person that is only remembered by others once in a blue moon. How would you feel then? Believe me, I am not to blame at all. I try my best to stay in contact with people and stay their friend, but sometimes it is out of my power.
My personality is very different than 99% of the people out there. I don’t like to be someone’s shoe. I don’t like to follow anyone or try too hard to be someone’s friend. That is another problem why I am still single, but let’s leave that for another post. As for friendships, I suffered enough in the past. I suffered so much from people that only remember me when they needed something, or they remembered me when thought of everyone else first.
About 8 or 9 years ago, I knew this girl that was getting married, and I hung out with her and that particular crowd for over 2 years. She got engaged and never told me, but everyone else knew. She was getting married, I was never invited, but everyone else was. I didn’t care because back then I never thought that I had any close friends. I was still discovering and learning about people, and I seemed distant from others.
Three days before her wedding, she tried calling me to invite me because someone else I knew told her to. She tried calling a day before the wedding, but I refused to answer. I didn’t want to be this person that was only thought of because someone told them.
Same goes for life, I don’t want to be the last anymore. I am always last in people’s list when it comes to their happy events in life. However, when things go bad and they need something, they always come to me. Why me?
This is what I have been suffering from for years. People think I can solve any problem because I think logically of a good solution, but that’s it. No one asks me for anything else. People view me as this gloomy distant person who knows how to solve problems, but does not know how to be happy or enjoy happiness. You try living your life knowing that this is how people view you. Even though I believe that I am not like this, but how can I make people understand the real me?
I may not live a happy life or a life that people view as happy, but it does not mean I don’t know how to enjoy happiness or be happy. That’s why I refuse to go to a wedding with such an afterthought invitation. Should I go to make her happy? But what about me? Will that make me in any way happy?
I may appear stubborn or so irrational or should forgive and forget, but sometimes one’s dignity and inner happiness is a lot more important. I believe that my past needs be closed so I can start a new chapter. My past always haunted me and I kept dwelling over it till I ended up like this. It is about time I changed and forgot everything in order to move on. I can’t move on if I keep the past in my mind. I am not ignoring it, but forgetting it.
I don’t know what happiness really means or what will make me happy, but I know what will make me sad. Maybe some day I will be happy or find the happiness that I have been dreaming of in the back of my head since I was little. Until then, I will live life knowing I have a goal. My goal is to find happiness. If not, I will at least die trying.
I got an SMS on my mobile today out of no where from my ex-best-friend telling me this:
“Hey.. I am inviting u to my wedding if you would like to call a truce and come I would be happy to see u..”
When I read that I was like what the hell? Wasn’t that the problem to begin with? She didn’t even tell me she was engaged and I had to find out using the most ruthless manner, and she barely talked to me except on a blue moon.
What’s wrong with people? Why does everyone think that I am the same old Mona that is too nice who just forgets everything and moves on. No. I will forgive one day, but I will never forget. If I go to her wedding it’s like admitting this, “Oh nothing happened, and I am only here because it is the truce or whatever the truce even means in this situation.”
I am tired of people. Even though I am so lonely and I have no one to talk to or tell them my little secrets anymore, I just learned to be stronger and focus on my self. Everyone else seems to focus on the number one person. I am going to do that too.
I don’t need friends that think of me as last in their list and think of me as an after thought. Life goes on, and life is meant to meet new people all the time. This is not the first time this happens to me, and I learned to be strong and move on.
Waiting for new people to come into my life is like waiting for a passing comet to shine in my life.
I don’t know if I feel better or just slightly better this week. I know I do feel excited and a bit adventurous. A new cute car, and my job is stable and more structured now. There aren’t many people bothering me that much at work anymore.
As days pass, I wonder what I can do to improve my mental well being. I think I suffered so much in the past, that anything new is beyond exciting. I just need to teach my self to let go and move on with my life. I want the past to just erase it self from my memory, and let my mind accept the new. That has always been my biggest problem in my life, accepting change. Therefore, I just taught my self and forced my self to not wait. Just accept the way things are and try anything new. No need to hide behind an invisible barrier all my life.
I always wondered how I ended up like this. Maybe because things around me changed so much, that I didn’t know how to deal with it. I just kept putting that barrier and staying away. I didn’t want to accept it and just let it be. That’s my problem. That has always been my problem all my life. Now, as I am slowly maturing (yes.. sad but true.. 29 and my mind finally matured), I am finally realizing that life is not worth the headache.
Side Note
Every time my sister sees me on the computer, and I talk to her about anything that pertains to her personality, she tells me this, “I am a rebel!”
Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself.
You know, one day I started watching The Matrix, the first one, and I couldn’t finish it. I was like this is crap! Too much acting and the story sucked. However, one gloomy afternoon, feeling blue and didn’t understand why I had a job and why I have money in the bank, I decided to purchase the Matrix! Yes, to solve your depression, buy something big and useful!
So my lovely peeps, check out my new ride! My Toyota Matrix!
I named her My Eight Pearl. Why? 1) I saved all this money to pay for this car in full for the past 8 years. 8 years!! 2) The colour of the car is Black Pearl. It’s black with a hint of shine that makes it look dark gray. It is gorgeous!!
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Cypher: All I do is what he tells me to do. If I had to choose between that and the Matrix, I’d choose the Matrix.
Trinity: The Matrix isn’t real.
Cypher: I disagree, Trinity. I think that the Matrix can be more real than this world. All I do is pull a plug here, but there… you have to watch Apoc die.
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