Have you guys noticed my sporadic posts lately? I used to write daily because there was always someone or some people out there that really pissed me off. I reflected all that anger on this blog, and I unconsciously started thinking of the bigger picture and blaming culture, people’s mentality and the entire world.
I found a scapegoat that secluded me from the rest of the world. However, why did I want to do that? Don’t people want friends? Don’t people want love?
What if I told you that I find no sentimental attachments to the previous things I mentioned? I don’t anymore. I cannot help it, but I lost it. I think I spent too much time alone that I find no value in them. When I had them, I suffered from daily agony. I used to cry to sleep from the people I knew. Now, I perceive my self as “normal.” However, my brain is very clouded, and finding something negative or controversial to talk about is taking a bit more effort.
I can read your thought right now and it is saying, “Mona, but you cannot give up, there are better people out there and you haven’t found them yet.”
And I say, “Am I supposed to spend my life finding them? Ok fine, I will try again…. ”
Remember, I am the Rebellious Arab Girl. I declared my self with that title. I am still writing in this blog trying to find something wrong in the world to talk about. What if I told you that everything in the world is wrong and there is nothing to really discuss. Can I discuss a wrong thing by writing an opinion that is deemed wrong? Hmm?
I was thinking about all the comments that people write about me or to me. What if I didn’t have this blog, and there was no one by my side, where would I be now? Who will hear me? Who would know that I existed? A girl, an Arab, an immigrant, a Palestinian by birth, a Canadian by fate, not yet 30, but her mind is that of a bitter 80 year old who lived a full life and knows what people really are.
It’s funny, a girl today emailed me with a rebellious tone in her writing emphasizing that she is old enough to realize what people really are and how the culture and everything in the world is not right, and she is only a teenager. People at such a young age are open to the world a lot more than when I was her age, and they are quickly realizing that there is something wrong. Life is wrong. Culture tells you one thing, and somehow it clouded religion. The purity of religion is jeopardized and ridiculed because of what culture did to it.
My scapegoat to all my problems is really a big problem. This is just the way that I think. He, she, they, all of them …. something is wrong with the way they think compared to mine. If everyone thinks one way and they will not nudge by any means to change and look at the bigger picture, then there is something wrong. A lot of people tell me that I have a psychological problem and that’s why I am like this. Hmm, have you asked your self that maybe the reason I am like this because of the bigger problem? I didn’t know what it was or the base of my insignificant pointless problems. I looked …. and I looked. I seeked to find the end of the rope, and by golly!!!! I found a big huge ball attached to it that is far too large to carry.
Yet, I am slowly seeing a dent or two. Are you seeing it too?