Everyone please read this guest post!
“Okay, so I’ve been wanting to write this for the longest time, but haven’t gotten around to it until today because I assumed things would get better. But they haven’t. I have a big dilemma that I need help with and was hoping that you, the readers, would be able to shed light on my situation and guide me as to what to do. Here goes:
I am in my early twenties and have gotten divorced about a year ago. I was forced to move back in with my parents, against my will. I used to live in North America, but have now moved half way across the world to be with them. Basically, two weeks before I got divorced I assumed my life would resume the same way it had been going for the past few years; I had a job, friends, and lived in a city I love. The only problem with the situation was my husband, my now ex-husband, who I wanted to leave a few months after we had gotten married due to the many problems we had. I stayed with him for two and a half years. I wanted to try everything before giving up on this.
Anyway, so I thought, okay, I am going to get divorced and move in with my brothers, who still live at home (in North America) and continue with my life (this was the original plan my family and I decided). But two weeks before I got divorced my family presented me with the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make: stay living in NA without the support of my family, and basically be disowned by them, or move overseas and start a new life here. Of course, at the time, even though I badly wanted to stay, I moved. I felt like I had no option and I didn’t want to lose my family. They are Arab and Muslim and don’t think that it is right for a Muslim girl to be staying by herself, unmarried, without her family (technically I would have stayed with my brothers, but they didn’t consider that acceptable-even though they are mahrams). They are worried that the gossips back home wouldn’t ever leave me alone. I told them I didn’t care what people said, because I’ve learned through my tough marriage, that people will always talk no matter what.
So I packed up all my stuff, of which I had brought less than half of with me, and sold my furniture and everything else, and prepared to move. It has been a year, and I’ve been very depressed about being here. I am living in a foreign country amongst people who don’t understand me or even try. I left my life and have no job here (I can’t legally work here), I don’t go to school, and I spend my days day-dreaming about what if I had taken the other route. I talk to my friends on the phone, msn, whatever, but of course it is not the same. My parents don’t let me go out without their permission, and don’t let me see people who they don’t know. Basically anytime I make a new friend, I have to have them over for a meet-and-greet with my mom so that she approves of them, and lets me go out with them. I can’t stay out past 9 PM, nor can I get around without asking my dad for rides everywhere. There are no buses here and the only other form of transportation I can take is a taxi, which he doesn’t let me take. I feel trapped, spending most of my days wishing and hoping I can go back. Staring at the window looking at people going about their daily lives and not feeling as though I am a part of it. I sleep a lot, and am home pretty much 95% of the time. I don’t get along with my parents, but I came here to prove to them I am an obedient daughter. And they don’t even seem to realize the sacrifices I’ve made for them.
My whole life I’ve been controlled. First by my family, and being forced to be homeschooled in grade 8, after I’d already been going to a public school for most of my life. I fell into a deep depression which was only briefly alleviated when I got married. I married someone I didn’t love (we talked maybe three times before the marriage took place) and of course, it wasn’t surprising when it ended. He was always lying to me and cheated on me several times. And I only got married to leave my parent’s house thinking I would have a better life with someone (who I thought at the time) wouldn’t be able to control me as they have. My parents are typical Arabs and are very narrow-minded and don’t see my point of view on anything. They’re constantly making me feel like I’m a bad person because I disagree with them on a lot of religious matters, and they are constantly judging the way I look, act, and who my friends are. I don’t feel as though I’ve done anything to warrant this behaviour from them. But they’ve always been like this, and I was stupid to think they would change and be open minded.
Anyway, back to my present situation here…I feel trapped with no way out but the alternative my dad presented me with before I came here. If I leave, I will not be able to contact my family or have anything to do with them, and basically be disowned. But if I stay I feel like my mental sanity is at stake.
I’ve tried to adapt, for a whole year, but it’s been in vain, since my family doesn’t understand me or even care that I am depressed all the time. The only way I feel like I’ll get my life back is to leave. But I’m scared and worried that they’ll do good on their promise to disown me, and I will get punished for it on the day of judgement, for not listening to them. I need help, and if anyone knows of any alternative solution to my problem, I am all ears…Thanks for listening.”
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@The Girl Who Wrote This :
I think you are a very brave girl. Braver than you think. You already took a very hard decision to get a divorce and live with your parents. I’m sure you still have the strength to make another hard decision to live your life the way you want it. It seems that your parents are emotionally blackmailing you, knowing that you will always be the Obedient girl. But Always remember that Allah is the merciful and you won’t be punished for living your god-given life the way you want. Don’t waste any more time worrying what they will do. Life is too short. I really wish you all the best.
@Sandee:
I feel sorry for you. But believe me you are better off without him. He’s a liar and cheater, and I can assure you that his parents have nothing to do with anything, it’s all his decision (I’ve seen it before). He is the unworthy one not you. You will meet someone else who appreciates you. Be strong.
@Ibrahim
I guess a woman can’t have 4 husbands because it seems very whorish for a woman giving herself to 4 men at one time, and there were no paternity tests back in the 14th century to indicate which of whom is the father.
They say in the gulf 60% of marriages are ending in divorce main reason are cheating husbands, pornography, unrealistic demands for ‘sexual (in this case conjugal) services impacted by pornography’ expected from ‘clean Arab girls’ and financial reasons. I guess even in this day the Arab culture continues to vicitimise women and we result in either obeying our parents rules (at the expense of our misery), been disowned by them or rebelling against the rules or restrictions they have placed on us. The woman is always viewed as a liability and victimised by men. This leads many of us to opt for a path of celibacy, lesbianism or bisexuality because we no longer feel secure marrying any man from our society because of all these fear-mongering stories we keep hearing, and we can’t stay silent. So we either stay single or find a girlfriend. This also as you said indicates women’s rights are slowly been reopened and addressed if not, many Arab female youth are opting for feminism to break free from this oppression.
@Sarah
At the end of the day, I do ponder once in a while, why polygamy is permitted in Islam and forbidden in the other monotheistic religions.
Very!
Divorce is not permitted for Christians (according to Bibles in the Arab world) because the concept of life partnership is very significant.
The Christian rules for divorce are in Mathew which is one of the Gospels. The Gospels should be contained in every Bible, or it’s not a Christian Bible
These are the rules:
Mathew 19, 1-9
When Jesus had finished saying these things, he left Galilee and went into the region of Judea to the other side of the Jordan. Large crowds followed him, and he healed them there.
Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
Very simple and easy to understand, in my opinion.
I’m not sure what to say about Judaism, perhaps it is the same.
Mosaic law permits divorce under a variety of circumstances (you can see Jesus referencing that and modifying it in the previous scripture quote)
I think it’s very important to point out that in Christianity people should only marry for love, though. Based on talking to Arabs I’ve known about their concept of marriage, it often does not really include a requirement that the couple love each-other. That makes it an entirely different institution than it is for Christians, in my opinion. I’m not sure what values and ideals, if any, cross-over between Islam and Christianity when it comes to marriage.
@Craig
Your reference from the gospel makes it clear divorce is permitted in Christianity. However, in Iraq, Syria, Jordan, Egypt (and perhaps some other Arab countries with significant Christian populations) have eternal marriage where they cannot divorce under any circumstance, however they are permitted to marry if they have been widowed. Which is another reason why Arab Christians don’t marry their children off without making it more complicated (asking more questions and investigating the potential bride or groom) than Muslims themselves.
FYI: My mother lived across the road from this Christian family in Iraq, who cursed, yelled and screamed at each other everyday using foul language which is very offensive in the Arabic language with words that do not apply to either of them (to the extent all neighbours knew they had issues).
To guest poster,
I had to leave my home when I was 17 to get away from my family and their indoctrinated and cultural beliefs, they loved jesus, church and preachers more so than they loved me. I was so happy to get away from the nonsense of religious and cultural oppression. I had to cut my parents off and disconnect from them as if they were deceased because they would not listen to me and my wants and desires. The best thing you can do is get as far away from your parents as you can but do not let your guard down because there are wolves in sheeps clothing, especially men.
Do not, I repeat, do not go to places alone where men gather anywhere, not even in churches or mosques.
It’s going to be very difficult for you to live alone, you need a female friend whom you can trust to live with you. But you must get away from your family and live your life as if they never existed, that will be the most difficult part.
Leaving home is a very big decision, it’s sad, but you must not live in oppression, you must live for you, someone once said, you die your own death, so you must live your own life.
Like Polly said, your family will not embrace you unless you cow down to their way of living, that’s not a life worth living, that’s a slave, IMO.
You’ll probably one day just move away and say screw them and get a life of your own. I doubt if your parents are very happy people because they too are under religious and cultural oppression.
I know you’ll do the right thing, I wouldn’t tell your brothers what you’re going to do either, you have to become independent.
Best wishes for your future!
Except some, most of us including me are concentrating and debating on our thoughts and beliefs instead of solving your problem..
Well so you have gone through a divorce and been through tough times but guess what? It is over and done with now therefore thinking about it would not do any good to you but add more misery to your already bad pain. This the time to look into different things and move on but its not as easy as it sounds for most people. Read on to discover some of the most incredible ways on how to move on after a divorce and achieve mind blowing results.
Think positive- Negative thinking is something which holds most people back after a divorce therefore its extremely important to think positive and forget the past. Stop fearing the future and concentrate on the present. Positive thinking is very important to make yourself carry on and get life back on track again.
Start going out more- The more you sit at one place in your home the more you would start thinking about the past and the divorce. Therefore make sure you start going out with friends or even by yourself when you feel like it. You see the more you go out the more new people you would meet and the less you would think about your past and the divorce.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself- Some people simply tend to feel sorry for themselves all the time and start getting depressing thoughts. You see in order to move on you need to change the way you think about yourself and the world around you.
Time always heals it- Nothing in life is constant everything changes sooner or later and so would your moods. You see it might take some time but things are going to be back to normal again.
Listen to your parents, they restrict you not to be fall into the trap by criminal elements that may exploit and force you into pornography, sexual abuse, blackmailing etc..because they know girls are vulnerable to criminal elements (male) that know how to manipulate innocent ( even though girls are intelligent, they are most likely and easily trapped by sweet words ) your parents love you more than anybody on earth, think positively, stop adding and thinking negatively about your present situation. Positive thinking always help us avoid thinking ending life and if not push us towards miserable life.
If you believe in God, Prayers always a great medicine for stronger mind and healthy living. Keep praying, add strong thoughts while you pray. It is the fact that our subconscious mind is receptive to weaker or stronger thoughts that helps us to either toward depression or success..
1) If I always think about becoming mad, I end up in a mental hospital.
2) If I think about success in future, I may try my level best to achieve the goal, and get it.
3) Americans landed on Moon,because they were thinking about landing on Moon.
4) If I think I m divorced and my life is going to be miserable, then I have no chance of recovering my life to be successful.
5) If I blame everything on relegion, culture parents or whatever, the possibilities of overcoming my difficulties are dim / blur.
6) Some comments above are really discouraging and similar to your thoughts that may encourage you to hate religion and your parents. Beware of those thoughts; those things add fuel to fire resulting to your disastrous future.
@Sarah
However, in Iraq, Syria, Jordan, Egypt (and perhaps some other Arab countries with significant Christian populations) have eternal marriage where they cannot divorce under any circumstance, however they are permitted to marry if they have been widowed.
Catholics are like that too, although annulments are still possible – which makes no sense at all to me. I know Catholics who became Protestants because they wanted a divorce and didn’t want to feel like outcasts. And even amongst Protestants divorce is highly frowned upon. I myself was counseled to try to work through my marital problems even though I had good cause for divorce, and I stayed married 3 years after it was obvious the marriage was over as a result… in Christian counseling the whole time. There’s no doubt that in Christianity marriage is SUPPOSED to be “till death do us part” as the vows say
Which is another reason why Arab Christians don’t marry their children off without making it more complicated (asking more questions and investigating the potential bride or groom) than Muslims themselves.
I suppose that could be a good thing. I don’t know what it used to be like in the old days in the west. Maybe it was similar. I don’t think our high divorce rates in Western countries are caused by any religious issues. I think that came about as a result of (secular) cultural changes.
FYI: My mother lived across the road from this Christian family in Iraq, who cursed, yelled and screamed at each other everyday using foul language which is very offensive in the Arabic language with words that do not apply to either of them (to the extent all neighbours knew they had issues).
Yes, I’ve known people like that too. I had one neighbor about 15 years ago that I wanted to throw a party when he divorced his wife and moved out of the house, because I was so happy there’d be some peace and quiet in the neighborhood for a change
@Craig
that was an interesting enlightenment. Arab Christians in Iraq, Syria, Jordan etc are all Catholics, while Egyptian Coptic are Anglicans divorce for them is also not permitted.
Thanks
Aw. I felt sad after reading your story. But let me tell you this, we may have a different culture, different belief and religion but nothing will be more powerful than prayers. I agree with Ibrahim, try to have a heart-to-heart talk with your family. If they do not listen to you, maybe you should start stand up and fight for your right. If they say they’ll disown you, they will for a while but later on, when you come back to them (if you decide to leave). In time, everything will be okay.
I’ll be praying for you.
@Sarah
I wasn’t aware of the lesbianism/bisexuality trend of women over there. Very eye-opening indeed.
But let me assure you, and that’s coming for a bisexual male, that sexuality is NOT a choice. I don’t believe these women just wake up one day and decide to go have a women as their significant other. It certainly does not work that way.
I think there’s a very dangerous misconception with Arabs and a couple of other cultures that tend to believe one’s sexuality is a choice despite MANY scientific studies that have proven otherwise. This just proves that education really is key to a flourishing and informed healthy society.
@Ibrahim
. At first I didn’t know he was gay, then I came to know he used to play with dolls as a child and spent most of his time with his sisters and girlfriends. He tried to have a girlfriend and found no spark with this girl then he found a boyfriend and it took a while for him to be upfront about his sexuality (there is a misconception homosexuals and transgenderism is widely accepted in Southeast Asia but it still is a bit of a taboo over there) but the spark came with his boyfriend 
. I knew of some Arab girls who had been cheated on by men and found ‘comfort’ the arms of other girls (perhaps it began on the emotional level, I still don’t know), I don’t consider these girls lesbians, but I do feel they are somewhat bi-curious and looking for experimentation.
“Sexuality is not a choice” I know this very well. Arabs gays are more common than lesbians. Girls fooling around is a way of experimenting with sexuality, it’s easier for parents not to suspect anything when it involves women, its much harder not to get busted when you’re seeing a guy behind your parents back. I believe bisexuality and lesbianism comes from upbringing. If a girl is raised with all brothers she is more likely to be tomboyish, and if a guy is raised with many sisters he is more likely to have a very feminine and emotional side. I had a Southeast Asian friend back in college who was raised with his sisters and is very close to his mother. He is a charmer and very popular with the ladies
@Sarah : thanks a lot for clearing this bisexuality ‘choice’ syndrome for our gay lord poster. It’s a choice for sure, why don’t gays get it?
@Ibrahim : You won’t have been writing these posts today if your mother hadn’t had a ‘man’ to marry with. So biologically speaking a woman needs a man to have kids. Any sane woman once in her lifetime either married or single does seriously think of having a baby. You are gay because of questionable upbringing/inherited moral values or most probably child molestation in childhood days. Sorry for being so rude but true. Bi’s are usually bi’s because when they can’t find the opposite sex, they satiate their urge (read: sexual frustration) by having the same sex partner. I.e. you might have been subjected (read: introduced) to sodomy in your younger years by a naughty uncle, neighbor, teacher or a friend. And you made it a way of life. I feel sorry for you. One should commit only that much of sins for which one can take that much of a punishment (every action has a reaction from a scientific point of view which atheists believe as well). You strayed from religion because you learned it from a deviated source and observed the followers instead of taking the pain to learn yourself directly from the source. You were born in the religion, you never were attracted to it nor did you bother to learn about it. Therefore, the result is here in front of you. You can’t give this lame excuse of being agnostic since you didn’t like the way your parents practiced it. Okay fine, what about now? Hopefully you are adult now and can read about it and then decide either your parents were wrong or the religion itself doesn’t ‘suit’ you? (pun intended).
@gingerale : I will surely learn to spell because I need to since I ain’t ‘english’ and I’m not ASHAMED of not being one. I just wanted to put my ‘thoughts’ across. Apologies for being rude, I really re-read my post and acknowledged that I was very harsh – maybe that’s my natural style of being focused and to the point in lest most amounts of words, the point was to get message across and it did. However, i sincerely do really feel bad for her and really want her to get tough in these tougher times for her in this lifetime.
@Ibrahim
That’s where your wrong my friend, true you don’t wake up one morning and say I’m gay you over time tell yourself “maybe I am gay” and worry about it then eventually convince yourself that you are. Then go along with it. You know what they say you can pretend to be something untill you really think you are (or something along this). Maybe you just believe that ‘I didn’t want to be like this/It’s not my fault” “‘God’ made me this way or it’s my pituitary glands” like the sister sarah said above about girl’s being raised with boys all they will hear is “this girl’s sexy etc…” Well what do you know that little girl eventually thinks girls are sexy…. same ways with guys. Is that why you became agnostic? Cause of your sexuality ?
I enjoy the blog but don’t like to reply much. I sure appreciate the insight. At 55 I learned long ago that advice is fairly useless as people generally know in their hearts and minds what they need to do, they’re just looking for affirmation. To The Girl Who Wrote This, whatever you decide, there is going to be sacrifice. It’s up to you to figure out what will be best in the long term. I wish you the best of luck.
@Sarah
Arab christians are not all catholic, alot of them are orthodox (which does look alot like catholic I admit) and some of them are of separate groups.
The Kopts are not Anglicans. The Koptic Christian religion is more than a thousand years older than the Anglican church. Kopts are one of the separate groups of christians.
(I hope I’m not being a wiseass)
@mar
Thanks for the insight, appreciate the info. And no, you’re not been a wiseass
@sandee
u might not be able 2 see it now but keep praying n inshallah God will give u some1 soooo much better …if he would do that 2 u hes the bad 1 not u …salams
@Yahud Kanjar
Big shot psychologists and biologist would beg to defer with your uneducated opinion. Go read a book or google a few scientific studies on the topic before you talk: scholar.google.com
That’s all I’m going to say because explaining myself to such a closed-minded person is just a waste of my time and energy and I personally have better things to do
One of my brothers addicted to alcohol, neglected his duties towards his wife and children , and started blaming his every bad works are due to our father being strict and religious.
We other his younger and elder brothers and sisters were also brought up on same way as our addicted brother.
We never blame our beloved father for his extraordinary way of bringing us up to this level.
But our alcoholic brother never leaves a chance to blame our father and Islam.
It is all in your mind how you take the words of your parents on some particular situations…. and when you take that in a negative way, you start blaming them.
Should you go or should you stay?…..
Thanks to everyone for your honest advice, and encouragement. I feel much better knowing other people understand my situation and not being judged. I think I always knew what to do, but now I feel better about it all. Thanks again guys.
@The Girl Who Wrote This
Your post was pretty insightful and gave me some food for thought I was unaware of these kind of situations been an (Arab raised outside of M.E). I wish you all the best. Take a walk, pray ist5ara and go for it! Do what’s best for your and relax
I have not had such a long commented post in a while. Thanks you guys for helping “The Girl Who Wrote This” with your suggestions and good hearted advice.
@the girl who wrote this,
YOU SAID : I think I always knew what to do, but now I feel better about it all. ….
ME:..what you know what to do NOW ( NOW) ?…please?
@ myblog: I don’t understand your question…is it even a question?