Why does my mother put up with such people?

I don’t like Arab women in this city. Especially Palestinian women who have many daughters, think that they are the most beautiful girls in the city, and are married and have 2 or 3 kids each already. So what does that have to do with me?

I am not ugly. I am a normal Arab girl. I am 29 and past expiry date for marriage age in the traditional Arab calendar years. So what is wrong with me? The longer I wait, then the more Arabs would call me old. So is marriage the only solution? So get married for the sake of marriage to avoid Arab continuous criticism of other people’s daughters? Or one should get married when they are ready and sure that this is the path they want to go?

I have nothing against marriage. I have something against Arab mentality and the way they perceive marriage. I have something against Arab families that want their sons to marry certain types of girls and if not, force the girl to be something she is not to fit in and follow their list of rules.

I am very stubborn, I don’t like to be told what to do or how to act. I have suffered from such mentality in the past. I cannot change who I am. I cannot be something I am not. Fakeness is not in my dictionary. I am a very quiet patient person. I like my space and live my life the way I want it. I go wherever I please and I don’t like to be told what to do, how to dress, how to act, and what to say.

I am not this typical Arab girl. I don’t like to wear this mask to please an entire culture.

I am not stupid either. I am highly educated, very articulate, independent, and I don’t need this guy by my side to complete my earthly presence. I think when things happen, they happen.

A few months ago, I may have had a bit of the blues trying to adjust my mentality to accept this quiet life. I used to feel sorry for my self that I cannot find someone to like me for who I am. It’s hard to find such a match, and me being the Mona that I am, I started blaming my self for not trying to fit in. However, one day I just quit caring. I convinced my self that there is no point of trying too hard. No point of living my life to pursue a guy. What is this? Is this a life to live?

If God has a better direction for me in this life, then I have to keep on going and stop worrying. I wish Arabs would stop giving a shit about other people’s daughters and focus on their own. Gossip and butting in to other people’s business is the air that Arab women breath.

Unfortunately for them, I breath the air God bestowed upon the masses. It’s way cleaner.

Blah Blah, Culture, They said what?, Whatever!

We hired the new guy finally this week, and he started on Monday. It turns out he is Pakistani, which I knew anyways. Worse comes to worse, he is not only Pakistani, but born in Saudi Arabia, and thinks he can speak Arabic well enough to talk to me. I didn’t tell him or will ever tell him that I was born there because I don’t want his conversations to end up with reminiscing his childhood and wasting my time remembering stuff I don’t want to remember.

Not only that, he continually tries to speak Arabic to me, and I refuse to talk back. Not only that, he speaks it wrong. Horrible grammar, no respect for feminine or masculine nouns, and thinks he can be buddy buddy with me. Even though I wrote his job description and had final say to hire him, but I am not a friendly person!

I am a pure evil person. I don’t care where anyone is from as long as they can do the job!

Not only that, he keeps talking to me non-stop, and then says words in Arabic that are of religious essence, but I don’t repeat them or even speak a word of Arabic at work or even want to, and then he tell me that I have to. I then do, and then he asks, “Are you Muslim?”

Here we go again, dejavu from my old job and hiring Muslim people that will criticize me for being a walking devil on earth.

May God help me and grow my patience. At least I can be bossy and I am slowly managing things the way that I want.

Oh, and this one lady today, DEAR LORD!, she pissed me off and all she does every single day is come up to me and complain about something. Then she bluntly told me to my face, “I know you don’t care how the software admin management system is supposed to work for me , but you have to do this and that.. blah blah.”

You know I got tired of her whining and complained to the bosses ASAP for such a false accusation.

Then she denied it and said, “Since when do I come to you with any problems or complaints?”

In my head I said, “You fucking bitch that has short term memory or lives in denial. That’s why we hired this guy because ALL YOU DO IS COMPLAIN!”

I don’t even have time to train him, he is taking over NOW! I don’t have time for this shit.

Angry, Blah Blah, They said what?, Whatever!

When days are crappy, and life is treating me badly, I turn to you.

I miss this blog. I miss the days that I spent writing once or twice a day, even 3 times a day my opinions about life. I miss the 3 or 4 am blog posts of ill thought posts that I found no regret in writing. I miss the days when I was bombarded with comments of people insulting me and telling me I am wrong. I miss the days when I receive emails from horny men providing me with their international numbers to call, but I never in my life have dialed out of the country.

I miss the days when I received stories from readers wanting my opinion or guidance with their problems. I miss the days that people sent me hate mail condemning me to the pits of hell for having such a “literally truthful” blog for the whole entire world to read.

The past few months have constrained my habitual writing. I feel that I am suffocating internally but I don’t know how to get it out. Is there really anything to discuss? I don’t know where to even begin. If I start writing how I feel, I will get the pessimistic readers telling me to shut up, and the optimistic readers telling me that life will be ok. Yet, will that help me?

I suffer from depression. I am not going to ever deny that. I take it lightly or I try to find ways around it. You can say I am an expert of putting that amazing big smile on my face, which I call the ultimate form of denial or facade, and just move on. That’s how I lived my entire life.

Now, as I am aging gracefully, I found out that everything that I have been thinking about in the past, and the bumpy life journey that I have been riding, is not worth the headache. The headache is caused by my uncontrollable drive to wanting more. And I know some of you will argue back, because some did in the past with me, saying that I should not bother and even have such a drive in life and just go with the flow. I call these people followers by the way and their entire life span amounts to nothing.

Anyways, I need to stop being mean, which I am. I am pretty selfish and careless and just put all my energy to focus. Focus is a big problem for me since my brain is all over the place all the time. So, I need to go back and focus on the main things in my life. Try to achieve the goals that I have set for my self, and stop caring about people.

People are the root of all problems, and vulnerable people like me get sucked into it faster than the speeding bullet.

By the way, for those people that have messaged me on Facebook and emailed me asking about my whereabouts, I know deep in your heart that you cannot sleep at night knowing I have not written anything for the day. Oh you, I wish we all lived in blog land, make our own beautiful world and live in peace.

P.S. Majority of Arabs piss me off. I just had to through that in it.

Confused, Depressed, Thank you, They said what?, Whatever!

“Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.” -Gloria Steinmen

I can’t spend a lot of time writing. I am trying my best to not sit on the computer too much and relax my eyes. It’s enough i spend over 8 hours a day staring at this thing.

As for the quote I posted above, I need a booster in life. Some of you have noticed my comments on Twitter that I have been sick. However, my sickness is not physical. You can say depression is hitting me hard again.

Maybe tomorrow or so I can discuss how I think my life is. I think unhappiness is resulting in utter depression, and I am not taking it lightly like I used to or try to by writing or finding someone to talk to.

I don’t have anyone to talk to, and that could be another problem.

Oh well, Saturday afternoons need to be spend outside driving around.

Blah Blah, Depressed, Random Thoughts

Just for a day and re-hired tomorrow morning! Isn’t that the highlight for everyone’s Monday morning eh?

So, during sessions at work, I have to move my friggen computer out of the place that I usually work in because they need the big huge room. So, I move equipment back and forth. So annoying and I feel like I am in Office Space the movie.

Therefore, this morning, I was at work around 7:30 am, alone, and I wanted to move my stuff back. I moved everything, and lastly was my computer. Which is one of those iMac’s 27inch crapintoshes. You know what I mean. So, I was walking, moving along and I got close to where I was going to place it, and bam, I hit the side of it and it scratched it and left a long running mark of scratch in the top right hand corner. Little piece of glass fell on the table, and my heart stopped!

It STOPPED!

I didn’t swear, I didn’t say anything, but I was like IT’S MONDAY!! AND I SPENT ALL WEEKEND WORKING FOR THIS COMPANY AT HOME!

So I put the computer down, I turned it on, and I thought to my self, I can live with this. I will keep this as a mark for MOVING ME TOO MUCH!

I went around saying oh crap, oh crap, oh creap! PLEASE! NO ONE GET MAD AT ME! IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

Then the boss came and I told her, “Please don’t get mad at me!” She said, “Why, what happened?” So I told her and she said, “It is still under warranty and maybe they can do something.”

I said, “I can live with this..”

Then later at noon, the other boss was telling the other programmer to let me break his code before we release it. I then jumped in and said, “I can break stuff!! Look at what I did to the computer here!”

He said, “what did you do!!”

So I showed him and he said, “I am calling you duck tape Mona from now on.”

I was like, hehe.

Later, I told the ladies that I got an Optometrist appointment right after work, and one said, “That’s so ironic after what you did this morning!” I laughed.. hehe.

So, I went to the Optometirst, and remember guys when I wrote that article about a month ago saying that I was promised a cute guy? DAMN RIGHT I WAS! And the funny thing is, he was not Arab, but HE LOOKED 100% Arab! Impossible! He was dark skinned, dark eyed, had all the Arab features one would think about, but he WASN’T! Weird eh? And he was not Latino.. which made it seem ever weirder! He then told me, “Do you know so and so from my home town?” I said, “No, I am from this city.” He said, “I swear you two look like sisters.”

Ok!!

Anyways, so it turns out I am more than blind. I am blind near sided and far sided. The dude said that maybe I should get bifocals because you guys all know, I am 20 years older than my age and I am withering and dying as we speak. The other suggestion is I wear contacts and buy cheap reading glasses on top of that that will help my eye strain and I can focus more.

That’s how sad my life has become. I need a new job where I don’t stare at the computer screen all day and smash crapintoshes!

Blah Blah, Funny, Random Thoughts, Ranting as usual!, They said what?, Whatever!