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It seems to result in bitterness

Queen mother brought up a point yesterday while discussing a show on TV that made me think a lot today. She said that young people that suffer from bad relationships in a young age tend to grow up somewhat shy, reserved, and can barely ever go back or find a relationship that they feel comfortable in.

Makes sense. First time I agree with the royal highness, my mother!

Yesterday, I told a co-worker of mine about my story. You know, the one that I spent years in that resulted in a huge fight, stubbornness, and him going off to marry any girl for the sake of forgetting me. Honestly, if I did that as a girl, I would be viewed as low and uncaring. Yet, if a guy does it, it seems that he is very weak and needs to move on in order to survive one more day.

It’s an Arab emotional thing and gender bias!

On mentioning emotions, I believe that many Arabs always feel that they are the victims, emotionally devastated regarding anything – small or big, and get depressed ever so quickly!

In my case, I felt all the above, but what is the result? Pure bitterness!

Yes, I am very bitter towards Arab men. I am very bitter when going to weddings. I am very bitter when I see two lovey-dovey people together. I am just a very bitter person. But what else can I do? There is also that whole other part of my life that I need to deal with. Sometimes I think that I am really happy being alone, and I wonder why my mind keeps this bitter view regarding relationships, love, etc.

How did my mind end up like this? How long will it stay? Will I get over this Arab over emotional and bitter view of life, or will I one day settle down and find stability in life?

Too much to think about, but you know what? I didn’t think my life was going to be like this 5 years ago, and I think in 5 years, I cannot expect my view point of life to be anymore bitter.

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  • [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Mona, Mona. Mona said: RT @rebelliousgirl It seems to result in bitterness http://retwt.me/1NMCm [...]

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  • والله زمان عنك يا منى. Welcome back :up:

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  • Hey, I have been following your blogs for a pretty long time. I think sometime to forget a person, marrying someone else is right (like it happens in our society all the time). I suffered from bad relationships too but you can not just live in those memories. Life is tough and you have to move on. You are still young (29) & you will find the person who will understand you and have all the qualities you are looking for. I hope that you will find partner pretty soon and you wouldn’t be bitter about relationships or love anymore. There is nothing beautiful in this world then being loved by someone. peace.

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  • [...] It seems to result in bitterness Posted by admin on July 10, 2010 random Queen mother brought up a point yesterday while discussing a show on TV that made me think a lot today. She said that young people that suffer from bad relationships in a young age tend to grow up… [...]

  • I think the same goes for everyone (not only Arabs).. Or maybe because I can relate to whatever you’re going through (sort of) as I’m single too (2-3 years older than you but looking 10 years younger or so, haha).. but hey, don’t let bitterness or anything bring you down, be happy!

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  • Great post as usual. Lots to think about. I have confidence that it’ll all shake out.

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  • When you meet the right person, he will blow you away, it will feel normal and natural being with him. It won’t be difficult, he will never hurt you, and you will forget you were ever hurt before, or bitter…

    Until then, keep an open mind towards prospects.

    Here’s something scary to think about:

    Sometimes when you are bitter or angry for no reason, you are really bitter and angry with yourself (for allowing someone to hurt you so badly or to have such an affect on your life)….

    You should make sure this isn’t the case, and if it is, you should try to overcome it… it’s very hard to be open and trusting and in a position to meet the right guy when you are still subliminally beating yourself up over the last one (if that is the case).

    Not saying it’s true for you… but I have gone through something similar where I was furious at everybody… in the end I realized I was furious with myself for not meeting my own expectations…once I stopped doing that, the world got a lot better.

    As far as the Arab thing goes… Arabs (we?) are generally as a culture (not me personally) very pragmatic about marriage…

    “I had a flat tire, and didn’t know how to fix it, he came and offered to fix it in exchange for marriage… I thought I need this fixed, why not … let’s get married, you fix the tire”

    Pretty cut and dry… two people get married… the man fixes shit around the house… the woman fixes shit around the kitchen… she never lives with broken lights… he never goes hungry… very pragmatic … love ? respect ? growth ? an aligned vision of their future ?

    Nope… just a general service contract (for the most part)

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  • I know what you mean when you feel bitter about seeing someone else have what you don’t have especially when you deserve it =D

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  • @Sayyed
    Thank you!! Nice to see you too!! Zaman wallah!! :D

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  • @Muhammad Sheikh
    Me young? well thank you!! I guess I see your point, in our society everything is ok and life goes on. Arabs don’t dwell on the past….. <— that doesn’t sound right!!

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  • @Leeroy Glinchy
    All shake out??? Do I have to keep belly dancing until all of it goes away!!

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  • @Haitham Al Humsi
    Wow.. everything you said is so true and I agree with you!!

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  • @mais
    I am glad you feel my pain!! :P

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  • lol when i read what your mother said I was like :O wow that almost sums up mona maybe she knew all along all these years and took that show as an opportunity to hint it out :P… Ummm. lol I think that was a stupid decision on his part I don’t see how a viable option in forgetting a girl is marriage, kinda dumb and I feel bad for the innocent wife who’ll have to go through his bullshit i.e the whole break up issue, you can never forget about your first/strongest love/person you had feelings for in a jiffy thus moodswings irritated ness. … Well to be honest I don’t really see how people would think that way; the whole guy is weak but girl is bitch. I would think the people who thought like that would be missing their empathy button.

    Ohh believe me i’m the same about pregnancies like this one woman I know is pregnant and I couldn’t help but feel animosity towards her (May Allah forgive me) kinda cause she’s living the life I wanna live so you’re not alone my friend.

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  • @Haitham Al Humsi
    oh wow that is soo true!

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  • That’s not Arab, that’s just emo!

    :cry:

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  • Bitter is better. Everybody else is busy causing diabetes by being too sweet.

    And how messed up must a guy be to get married to forget a girl? Mona, you should feel sorry for his wife; she’s got herself a ticking bomb in trousers. Funny how, as soon as summer creeps in, marriage becomes the main topic of every discussion. Yesterday, my eldest brother exclaimed he needs to get married, because he is BORED! Yes, sheer boredom! Some wedding night he’ll enjoy with a clown, I tell ya. ;-)

    My latest blog post was about the (unnecessary) steps leading to sealing the wedding deal in my country. I’m unsure if it’s the same elsewhere in the Arab World. Oh well, newlyweds, enjoy for now! Come September, courts are going to be buzzing with divorce …

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  • All will be forgiven if I marry a future nobel prize winner. Just putting it out there in the universe! =)

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  • you said :……Too much to think about, but you know what? I didn’t think my life was going to be like this 5 years ago, and I think in 5 years, I cannot expect my view point of life to be anymore bitter.

    5 years ago, you were thinkikng 90% negatively…today that has reduced to 30%….that’s why you say “I CANNOT EXPECT MY VIEW POINT OF LIFE TO BE MORE BITTER.
    when your negative or wrong thinking level reduces to 5 %,sure you will find a suitable life partner.

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  • you are capable of reducing your negative thinking level to 5% right now…its possible only if you think you can….

    POSITIVE THINKING 95% means, your would be life partner right on your door step (your accepting part of mind) any time from now.

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  • oh where can i start lol mona first thing u need 2 do ….is get over that n try n understand that not all arab guys r like that ..they cant be ! n u need 2 be happy 4 other people ..i think yr mom is 4 the most part wroung ..most young arab girls r shy anyways ..as 4 the men ..not so much lol ..i think if u can start 2 be happy 4 other people then maybe u will get over this bitter feeling …every1 has some kind of problem n its just how u deal with it that makes u who u r …but hey i dont mean 2 sound any better then u or anything caz i am not ……..salams n great post mona …n 4 a guy 2 marry a girl to 4get another girl ..well thats just crazy ..that unfair 2 the girl n even 4 him ..but hey 2 each there own i guess ..its funny caz a while back me n my( plz God)girl had a big fight n 1 of my friends (who is arab btw)told me 2 find another girl right away so i can 4get about her lol i was like r u crazy i dont want 2 forget about her

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  • Mona,

    I’ve read this article on Sunday and I wanted to reply to it on that evening but since then I was kinda lost in my memories. I think you are passing through a crucial phase which would either pave way for a good or bad future.

    One important point to reveal is that am neither a Muslim nor an Arab so I may not be in a better position to give a good opinion about the Men or Women in that part of the world but I can confidently say that not all Men or Women are bad, be it anywhere.

    As I wrote I was lost in my own world thinking about my past, present and the future. It all started for us in 1998; I was 24 and she was 20 and it went on very smoothly till 2002 (long distance relationship since I was away in the US to pursue my Masters and a PhD so mode of contacts are only phone calls, letters and personal meetings only when I visit my country once in a year or so).

    When I visited my home on a short vacation in 2001 her mother started creating troubles as she was really into insecurity mode because of my status (fortune) and my overseas profile. After many months, she at last cracked and gave into her Mom’s ill feelings and started to pressure me to get married in 2002 but I firmly told her I couldn’t go ahead till 2005 or so due to my blooming career in the US and my planned future post 2005 (to settle in my country and to pursue my own business). Once I got my PhD in 2000 I made a good T/R plan but I never dreamed that plan would cost me very dearly…

    So, I’ve tried my best to talk to her and to infuse more confidence. I also proposed to her to get engaged and proceed for the marriage in 2005 or so. My family and her family were involved in the discussions too but even till date I couldn’t fathom her Mom’s strong insecurity! She felt I might suddenly get married to another girl or even to a foreigner (it’s common in the US; some of my country guys met married there for several selfish reasons such as quickly getting a Green card etc).

    The much dreaded D-day arrived in my life as she and her Mom issued an ultimatum to get married in 2002 or else she would forever part her ways!! It felt like a Nuclear bomb hit on my head but I quickly tried to rectify the critical situation and again my family members were involved too. Nothing worked out. I tried a million things to stop her. After that she stopped talking to me and cursed me that I won’t be happy in my life forever! But why? One fine day the terrible news has reached me. In late Summer of 2002, she got married to a Naval officer and moved away to another city (650Km away). I felt like I was half-dead. I don’t know what hit me so hard. Now I have everything in my life in front of me but I dearly and truly miss those basic and utmost important elements inside me – Love & Happiness.

    Why I opened up (after a long thought) is to tell you that I don’t harbor any negative emotions inside me against her or all girls or women (because of her Mom). I always loved her so much and I continue to do so in my heart (actually, it’s very wrong in my country’s traditions to think about a woman once she gets married). But am helpless. Neither I can forget her nor my past. I can’t marry any other girl in my life because I feel like I might be able to fulfill the umpteen chores in the sacred marital life (please read as living with her 100% true relation). I strongly believe in single love and marriage even after living in the US for 15 years!

    Now am 36, looking ahead of my future which has two sides just like any coin; Heads is my life is blessed with my parents and flourishing business but Tails is a very dull and lonely personal life. You said about 5 years and wondering about the next 5…am going through all this trauma inside me from the last 8 years and I can’t forget those previous ever-memorable 4 years. You know, 12 years is undeniably a good chunk of life!

    But, do I think all young girls in my country are bad? No.
    Do I harbor any bitterness towards all the girls? No.
    Have I turned into a sadist Boss (against women)? No. I’m proud that my employees love me (almost 65% are women!).
    Last but not least, am I worried about my future to live forever single? Yes and No. (Yes because am wary of myself once I pass through 50 or 60 yrs…would start getting old and without a better half it would be a very big difference…in short could be a hell).

    When I go to any engagements such as Marriages etc I feel that am missing my better half (that girl) next to me. Yes, that feeling becomes more stronger whenever I see young couples or married ones but am not haunted with any bitterness. I’m thankful to God for blessing me with no evil thoughts (some young idiots in this country take the extreme steps such as to avenge the girl with violence or some commit suicide only to cause tremendous pain and bad reputation to their family).

    Having written all that, did I forgive her? I really don’t know. I thought, after all, we all are humans because I do believe in every human would be rewarded or punished as per the ones Karma (deeds).

    That’s all to share about me and having written all that I could only hope that you would really ponder on what I meant to say to you. Last but not least…

    @She said that young people that suffer from bad relationships in a young age tend to grow up somewhat shy, reserved, and can barely ever go back or find a relationship that they feel comfortable in.

    I wrote somewhat long so I would reserve my comments about that statement because it would be a new another discussion which would take a lot of write about.

    Hmmm…I wrote all that in a hurry, regret the typos, if any.

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  • Maybe you’ll grow out of your bitterness when you find your prince. People change, things change with time. Don’t expect things to stay the same forever. Just because something bad happened once doesn’t mean it will happen again.

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  • Retelling of Dr Akula/Liars story.
    -He met a very beautiful girl
    -He strung her along for four years, because he thought he could, and wanted to see what else was out there
    - The lucky girl had a intelligent and caring mother, who, looking out for her daughters interest, encouraged her to find a committed man, worthy of her love and affection
    -This caught Dr. Liar off guard, his huge ego meant he did not expect such a thing to happen to him
    -The girl has a loving family and caring and commited husband
    - Dr. Liar is still recovering from his bruised ego. He still hasnt settled, after all these years, which is a telling sign of the kind of man he is.

    There should be more respectful women like this who steer their daughters away from egotistical wealthy men. This honorable lady knew her daughter needed a good man and stable family, a very honorable lady indeed and fantastic mother. I love hearing stories of strong and intelligent mothers it brightens up my day.

    We can all learn from this honorable mother who knew that her daughter should not be strung along by any man, whoever he may be, for an unlimited period of time.

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  • Reading your blog archives reduces my stress.I have the same situation as that mouad.

    http://www.rebelliousarabgirl.net/2010/04/28/guest-post-the-result-of-a-sheltered-upringing/

    I am intelligent,good looking but hate the stuff people do like smoking,using badwords,backbiting.
    Reading your blog gives me new light.I want to say many thing but normally i don’t express myself much.I am just trying to get in this world now.

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  • @Small Clarification

    I’m not surprised reading that but by inscribing such a media-style assumptive annotation you have successfully demonstrated that how small a human mind could really think under the influence of conceitedness and malignity! Anyway, here’s my small clarification to such a nice deduction:

    - Very True.
    - If I wanted to “see what else was out there” I would have got married by now!
    - You guessed that utterly wrong. Neither her Mom was intelligent nor caring. I came to know that she hardly cared for her daughter (Happiness) because she fixed the alliance hastily (coming under false pride) within 2-3 weeks! Her daughter’s whole and sole interest and happiness was only me but she spoiled her by filling her daughter’s mind with a slow poison called Insecurity. This sentence of yours – find a committed man, worthy of her love and affection – is quite far fetched.
    - Trust me I’m not an egoist at all. Yes, I didn’t expect such a thing to happen to me because I trusted in her as she did in me but sometimes events in the life could go horribly wrong spinning out of control, credit goes to her Mom.
    - Superfluous note.
    - Frankly, I don’t suffer with any bruised ego. In this context word ego is quite eccentric! Actually, am trying to heal my pain but I admit that am not sure how far I would be successful. You are correct in a way as am not yet settled in my personal life which I already explained in my note (Tails) but on the other side (Heads) my life is going in full flow :) But once again this sentence – which is a telling sign of the kind of man he is – crap!

    @There should be more respectful women like this who steer their daughters away from egotistical wealthy men.

    Your guess has gone wrong because she’s from a wealthy background too! There isn’t any psychological classification about wealthy Men/Women; any human (irrespective of sex, status etc) could end up committing nasty mistakes.

    @This honorable lady knew her daughter needed a good man and stable family, a very honorable lady indeed and fantastic mother. I love hearing stories of strong and intelligent mothers it brightens up my day.

    Nice script but this isn’t any movie! Unfortunately, there isn’t an iota of truth in it. Example, her Mom didn’t even finish her high school (in those days women are not encouraged to study) so most of her thinking (about her daughter) was quite tangential. I wonder on what basis she would qualify for an intelligent Mom?

    @We can all learn from this honorable mother who knew that her daughter should not be strung along by any man, whoever he may be, for an unlimited period of time.

    Should all those honorable mothers go by your notion then the most sweetest thing on this planet called “Love” (please read as love marriages) would cease to exist! I will tell you one fine example. There is a couple whom I know work for NASA and they have spent solid 9 years in courtship before getting into the wedlock! What do you call them? Brainless or Foolish or Dishonorable people? Oh well, I never pleaded my girl to wait for me for an unlimited period of time. Hardly a few years more…it didn’t happen that way. Maybe I’ve done some evil things in my previous life so am cursed to suffer in this life by living single…which I would never know. Period.

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  • @Dr. Akula2 French influence could be sensed in your writing style. ;-)

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  • Bon. Merci Monsieur Wilmaryad…vous Francais?

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  • @Dr. Akula2 Non, je ne suis pas Francais, mais je parle la langue.

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