Stuck in the middle

I received an email today, and I thought to my self, “Did I just write this and email it to my self?” I do that a lot, but come on!! I always thought I was the odd one out with unprecedented thoughts, but I guess not!

So, a cute Palestinian girl from Finland emailed me today telling me that she is stuck in the middle, and it is something she realized later on!

She wrote:

Hi Mona!

I want to tell you something. I must say, that I like everything you write. It reminds me of my “inner-self” and the way I am in my heart. Rebellious.

I want to share the way I feel, as an Arab girl, with you. Mostly because I feel like you understand.

Let me add to this story; that I live in Europe. My mother is a European and my father is an Arab.

Now, I remember that there was an Arabic guy writing to you about marriages between Arabs and non-Arabs. In this case, the marriage didn’t last forever.  But believe it or not, it was not because they lived and had different cultures. There were other reasons.  I’d also like to say, that my mother re-married another Arab man. And she converted also to Islam. And their marriage has last this far.

Now I’d like to get back to the real story. It hasn’t always been easy to live in Europe as an Arab girl.

I have always been afraid that I’d say something wrong, if I express myself.

I was taught during my early teen life, that I had to be careful how I talked and expressed myself.

Now, in Europe they live differently. There are not any specific limits how you can express yourself, especially in the northern parts of Europe.

I was afraid of talking about my feelings with my family, just in case they wouldn’t accept the way I thought.  But I learned quickly I could talk with my good European friends. These friends also understood my Arabic culture. I want to say that I love many things in my culture, but I don’t like to feel insecure.

As I grew older and my friends started talking about guys, I felt I didn’t belong with my friends.

They went out with guys and talked about things with them. When they wanted me to talk with a friend of their, that was a guy, I didn’t know what to say. I was afraid I’d say something terribly wrong and they would think I am a bad girl. I started to worry so much about what others were thinking about my appearance. I started to worry what would happen if I lived a liberal life, like a European.

Maybe my family would reject me?  But I lived all my life among my friends and knew what kind of life they lived. I came to the decision that I didn’t belong to the Arab culture, nor the European.

I was something in the middle of these two.

Last year, I understood that I had to stop looking for other people’s acceptance. Because, in the end God, Allah, made me to the person I am. I love myself for who I am. I don’t say sorry for the way I think now. I maybe act more like an Arab girl, but there is also something European in me.

Before I could feel sinful and bad, but I think it was time to show people that I stand up for myself.

As I was younger I tried to be a perfect Arab girl. But I would have lied, not only to other people, but to myself. I am no less Arab than anyone else, but I have an opinion and I want to express how I feel without feeling ashamed or afraid of rejection.

So what do you think? Are you stuck in the middle too?

Blah Blah, Culture, Palestine, Religion, They said what?