Open your arms to change, but don't let go of your values.

I wanted to close down my blog.

I have been leaving it alone for too many days that no one is looking out for it. I lost the drive to write anything anymore. I used to be very pro-active in this blogging epidemic. Unfortunately, as days pass, and my melancholy mood keeps taking over my being, anything that I write seems pointless.

I am not writing for you by the way. Yes you the reader. I didn’t make this blog to make you happy. I made this blog for me to talk about issues that affect me. It’s hard to do that when I am constantly bombarded by offensive comments and emails. All I know is, I am not making you read this. I don’t go around advertising my blog. I just write because it is my hobby.

Do you have a hobby? Does this generation have a hobby other than Facebook and SMS?

I like this blog. Every time I try to push my self away from it and think to my self that I need to grow up and stop writing, then something pulls me back.

…

Yes, I am talking now to my blog. It is me and my blog and no comments. You want to leave me a note, then email me. No comments.

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My blog. I am suffering now from depression. It has been really bad the past few months. Don’t think it is about work. Work is just an excuse and a facade to cover up what I truly feel. You see, I don’t have a reason to tell the world my real problems. So I make up an excuse for smaller problems to be bigger than they are. I know people are sick of it, I am so sick of it, and the universe is sick of it.

Now, as time keeps wooshing by, I just look at my self in the mirror every morning and pretend to be happy.

It is hard since I cannot pretend to be something I am not. I have a really bad temper. That’s why I stay away from people and don’t like to talk much. I just cannot handle anything anymore that I seclude my self from the rest of the world. It is better believe me.

Also, I am happy being me. I am very satisfied with my self as long as no one bothers me. I don’t want people to ask me why did I said that, why did I do that, blah blah. I don’t want it. I grew out of it. I just grew out of everything. I don’t ask anyone, then they have no reason to ask me.

Fortunately, I sort of feel better today. I found this quote that I sort of like and got me thinking that maybe this is how we all feel.

“When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened”

-Winston Churchill

You know what keeps hitting me in the face? Yep, you guessed it. The lack of communication I have with the world.

Not through my blog though. I am condensing my blog posts or limiting them because I cannot spend every day answering emails from online lovers and religious fanatics.

So here it goes. I want to get back on my feet and say, “hey hey… I am my upbeat social self again.” Unfortunately, I cannot do that due to the commitment I have with work and life. My life has been so busy, that breathing is becoming hard and sometimes I feel like I am suffocating daily.

I keep wishing every day, no, not only that, but I dream daily of the day I resign this job. However, I need money to continue my education and move up in life instead of being stuck in a dead zone. It sucks working in a small business because expectations from you are those of 4 people!

What is really bothering me that it doesn’t seem we will ever get a raise. No structure. No proper nurturing of the employees that work none stop for 8 hours and even do weekend work when necessary. No one cares or bothers. All they want is results and they will squeeze it out of you.

Maybe that is why I have become the most bitter but most patient person on earth. I managed to end up in a job where I have been mentally complaining about in one year than I have in all the years that I have worked in my short life combined.

I decided lately at work since I do not like being bossed around or told what to do (typical me!), that I make up my own projects and do what I want because I CAN and I have enough talents to do it. I got sick of them and I just do what I want and tell them, “Here you go! You like it? You don’t like it? Whatever.. at least I have something to show you!!! You didn’t hire me because I was cheap labour. No no!! You hired me because I can do awesome shit. But you didn’t trust me at all.. but you will now when I show you what I am really made of!”

By the way. Happy Anniversary. I have been working there for a year and my gray hair quadrupled!

As days fly by ever so swiftly, so does my lack of blogging attempts.

I have been sporadically posting on my blog to avoid problems. You see, it is me V.S the entire 250,000,000+ Arabs out there. No seriously. I am not joking. My blog is written in such a way that causes an entire culture to get pissed off.

1. I get the overly religious sect that think they are doing me a favour by reciting verses of Quran and Ahadeeth to enlighten me.

2. I get the overly cultural sect that think I am damaging their reputation by talking about “them.” (Self centered eh?)

3. I get the overly demanding neurotic Arab League (inside joke, har har) who want to tell me what to write since they fear others criticizing their opinions, so they do to mine because they love their one way streets.

4. And finally, there are the handful of young Arab ladies that think I can give them advice on how to solve their secretive relationship problems.

Here is my advice. Do not listen to some wacko Arab girl from up north in Eskimo land. (Oh Canada!) And don’t bother to tell her anything, because she is as stubborn as a mule.

Answers:

A1. Religion is important if you can apply it to your self first and not unto others. So going on some random Arab chicks website and insulting her is not a way to support your claim. Can you imagine if Muslims back in the golden days when they spread the beautiful religion did it by insulting others and forcing everyone to LISTEN and OBEY or ELSE. Do you think anyone would have joined in?

By the way, I was always a member, and never was out. So why you guys think I need to join in and learn!!

A2. My words are more powerful than Western Media to ruin an entire culture’s rep. I am an insider with tools to destroy!! (Sighing from disbelief from some people.)

A3. I can write whatever I want. I can write whatever I want. I can write whatever I want. If you want to start your own topic, then get your own blog and feel the wrath of the masses when they enforce their opinions on you!!

A4. My home girls from A-land. You see.. secret relations are no longer the trend. You either like a guy and tell the folks in your crib about it, or you just don’t. If you are not 100% sure about the guy, then that’s why you are hiding it. Otherwise you would spread the news faster than Reuters to the entire galaxy and extended family members with a set wedding date.

So there you have it. I am a pure thorn in most of your necks. And guess what! You still like it and you come here wanting to be pierced some more.

A lot of people have asked me how crazy I am by still taking courses. Will I ever have enough? Strangely, I ask my self that all the time as well. However, my answer may seem a bit crazy, but here it goes:

1. I like to receive a % or number in the end of my work, more than getting paid! I like those grades. I like those negotiable marks based on my progress. I LIKE IT! It makes me happy! It makes me ecstatic. It makes me queen of the world!!

2. I like to learn new things all the time! Sometimes I cannot find everything on the internet and I need a book in my hand at all times! I like to be challenged and given homework to do in the last minute because I am the ultimate procrastinator.

There you have it. I have decided that education is never ending, and I will continue on till I die!

Peace out!

“You must take initiative to keep your job,” I said this week at the prime of my third course out of seven to get my PMP.

It’s funny how our personality changes as we grow older. My personality has changed completely by 180° the past couple of years. I think it has to do with having a job that I am not fond of very much. And having a very boring life that I am not making anymore exciting by the constant complaints.

However, I am fond of one thing though, and it is the ability to make my own decisions and live my life as I please. I think it has to do more with my bad temper and stubbornness to get what I want. I think of various solutions, and I pick the one that I am comfortable with the most. That could either be work wise, friend wise, or life wise. I pick and choose because I have to live with it. No one else!

The one thing that I am not fond about really is love. I don’t think I can put my self in those shoes again. I tried several times. I met and talked to many men that I can potentially have a future with. However, something was always lacking. Maybe it is the acceptance of the way the other thinks. Or maybe it is what they know about life in general.

I found out that many of those guys are very closed in their own worlds. I don’t know why. I have been trying to decipher the code but to no avail.

Or maybe I keep talking to the wrong guys and I can never find this ONE guy. I might as well stop trying. At my age I rather be alone anyways. I work for my self. I do not have to hear nagging or thinking they are uncle Arab and keep pointing out something wrong every two minutes.

Blah..