A dear Mona moment 2
This is a pretty interesting post, and the writer emailed me asking for advice about the strange actions that Arab girls seem to have with relationships.
He wrote the following,
I just wanted to randomly say I enjoy reading your blog. I admittedly found the site by searching the ‘net for advice on how to handle dating Arab girl when I myself am not Arab.
A few years ago I hit it off with a girl an old college friend introduced me to at a small gathering. We exchanged digits and found each other exchanging texts like teenagers; eventually the texts turned into 6 hour conversations over the phone, and once in a while, a discreet cup of coffee. I had developed feelings for the girl, and her, for me, but she had mentioned before that her parents were very much against her dating anyone that was not Arab. I told her I didn’t care about that, and in a heated moment, she agreed, and we started dating. The first month or two was quite fun – we experienced your typical new relationship bliss, which of course was done in secrecy, but nonetheless, quite the experience.
Near the end of the two months, she was taking a trip to visit family overseas. I had known this was coming, and it didn’t really bother me, but the trip itself seems to evoke a bit of anger and apprehension in her and we had a few little fights via Skype while she was overseas. When she came back from the middle east, she was very irritable all the time, and so I gave her space; I knew she was apprehensive about the whole thing, with her having strict parents and me being not-Arab or Muslim. Our trips to the movies and random car rides became less and less.
The emotional distance as indicated, of course, lead to her breaking up with me. I shied away from her, but she kept asking if I would stay in her life, so for the first time, I made the exception and became friends with my ex. We still had long phone conversations and texted each other constantly; she even decided to kiss me a couple of times. I still have many emails in my work email’s inbox sent over the course of a few months. There were jealous moments on both sides – me talking to other girls. her parents wanting her to meet men with the prospect of marriage in mind.
The friendship was dismantled completely in about 2.5 months, however. The thing about this girl, Miss, is that she is in her 20′s, has not completed college, but sits home playing around on her computer 4-16 hours a day. I, myself, was raised to be very different and independent, and have been so since my teen years – so this lead to some conflicting views as well. One day, we had an argument where some heated and silly words were exchanged. What I said to her left a mark, however, and even though we made up, there was still some tension there. All it took was an argument the next month to end our friendship, when she made it clear she did not want to speak to me again.
I know everything, though rather truncated and vague, sounds senseless and dramatic – especially coming from a guy – but I digress: I can be a jerk, but I am also very sentimental. I think maybe I am sending this email because it brings a heavy hearted feeling that goes well with some scotch and an Iron and Wine song.
I’m curious, though, what makes someone risk their family’s approval at the beginning of a relationship only to give up so easily? I suppose it isn’t even fair to ask such a question. While this girl was not “the one that got away” or anything, I still ponder what could have been, and notice her absence from my life is still rather… well, noticeable.
Your [usually] energetic and witty rantings/posts remind me of her at her best, and while that may not be the most flattering reason, it is what keeps me coming back. So if you took the time to read this, thanks.
Question was: “What makes someone risk their family’s approval at the beginning of a relationship only to give up so easily?”
My answer: If a girl, especially Arab girls who have lived their entire lives being raised in a very reserved culture, trying different things, even though they are wrong seem to be ok for a little while. As long as they try, then in the end, when it becomes serious they do the following:
1. Start fights or arguments that are pointless.
2. End it without any reason because if their family knew what was really going on, then it is up to the family to marry her off to some stranger or unknown relative from back home, or marry her to the one she loves only if he meets all the criteria in their list.
I don’t know what else to say, but the risk that some Arab ladies love to take is their way of living life at the edge. More of an adventure and a secret they can hide in the back of their heads to the rest of their lives.
Oh well, I am not really generalizing, but I would be lying if a bit of adventure and risk taking to try new things is not part of it.
I guess if a non-Arab really wants an Arab, is like a wolf trying to catch a young lioness cub from its parents. Picture that!
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I looove FouseyTube!! All of his videos are... 
This young woman who ‘sits around playing computer games all day’ is intelligent enough to let go of a man who regards her as ‘not the one that got away, or anything’. There you go common sense doesn’t require an education. Don’t worry I am sure you will find her absence less noticeable when you date the next girl who will fill up your work emails inbox.
I could say a lot more about this infuriating post but I will do what this young woman has chosen to do which is save my dignity instead.
@Mais
yeah that line he wrote was a bit harsh, but yah, always go on to the next girl. Move on and forget!
I understand why you would say this is harsh, but I can’t really elaborate /too/ much the situation because I’d rather respect her privacy, and it makes it difficult to elaborate on the “stays at home and plays video games all day” situation.
The reality of the situation is that we were never going to be together, and I was fine with that – her friendship was invaluable to me. There is a time, however to move on; I guess the way I worded my email to Mona made it seem like I was disinterested in her well-being and more interested in the motivation behind the risk of loving someone and losing them so easily. But I digress – c’est la vie.
I don’t think I would have normally replied to this, but I definitely didn’t want to leave the impression that this person was easy to shrug off. But what can you do other than reminisce once in a while, and move on?
The outcome of such a relationship is very much predictable, as an Arab i would be surprised if you (both) succeeded in your relation.
In my opinion, she is the victim, she had to choose between you and and her family, remember that Arab girls here live in two different worlds at the same time
in school she is in a liberal western culture which she is part of, and at home she is an “Arab”, Arab culture is so strong and so different, add on top of that all the contradictions in Arab culture, this makes things really complex and hard to understand.
I am curious to know how SHE is doing now!!!
take it easy man, this might be better for both of you
Mona,if I understand you correctly, you are saying that Arab women, because of their strict(er) upbringing and home situations, tend to dream or fantasize about relationships that they know have no chance of suceeding (a.k.a. with non-Arab men) as a safety valve of sorts. William Dement said \Dreaming permits each and everyone of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives.\ If he is right, then perhaps the phenomena is a broader human one than you suggest. I will admit, however, that I can see that a young unmarried Arab girl, perhaps with inflexible parents, perhaps staring at the prospect of an arranged marriage (or at the very least having a husband chosen for her from a restricted social/ethnic group), might need to seek refuge in dreams and fantasies of \a forbidden relationship\ more than one of her peers from a less conservative cultural background. A young Arab girl has more need to go \safely insane\?
Funny, this sounds slightly like my relationship only I was willing and able to marry my Arab girl and her family wholeheartedly approved of me. But the “starting pointless fights and ending it for no reason” sounds exactly like what happened to me, which is why I am so confused.
@Patrick
Oh, but I already told my girl I couldn’t be “just friends.” I love her too much for that…
I actually have some Arab female friends who are able to date outside their culture with no problem whatsoever. I don’t think I went down without a fight, but in the end, it was my family or her, and even though I wanted her – it would’ve been selfish of me to ask that of her.
Er, her family or me. Pardon the typo.
Patrick, So it didn’t work out with your girl? Please accept my sincerest sympathies. Just one thing I don’t understand: you said that her family “wholeheartedly” approved of you and yet you round out by saying (I think) that the relationship foundered because your girl had to chose between you and her family. She chose the latter. I’m not quite sure I follow that. Sympathies again.
@Mais
Mais, I think I need to call you on this. I think your response to the original post was unsympathetic and needlessly dismissive. The poor guy is obviously conflicted, confused and needs closure on this issue. I agree he could have chosen his words better, but then are we not all guilty of that at some point or another? I quite like Mona’s “Dear Mona” posts and her response in this case was, I thought, quite perceptive. You may not want to become an agony aunt yourself but at least you could do is refrain from adding to the poor fellow’s pain.
@Namasa
Brother, I frankly have no idea why she really broke it off. She was upset with me for some minor incident and she refused to speak with me for two days. I came pleading for forgiveness and she told me that she never wants to marry again, she doesn’t need any man, she just wants to take care of her son etc. i feel like she ripped my heart out and stepped on it. Her family was taking my side and telling her she was acting crazy. But her whole story doesn’t even make sense to me which is why I believe there is something deeper that she won’t tell me. I think part of it she is just scared to death of being hurt. I told her to look me in the eyes and tell me that you don’t love me. She couldn’t do it. I’m giving her space and time hoping that she will come around but I am not holding my breath either. It’s just really sad that I think she loves me but she is too scared to take a chance.
PS- I guess I should say that I have some baggage that has complicated the relationship. I also have a son and an ex-wife. Technically, I am still married although we split up about 7 months ago and I’m just waiting for the divorce to be finalized. I think she is jealous of my ex but she knows I don’t love her and that the divorce is just taking some time.
Pretty interesting letter and responses–just my two cents here—as A Muslim women –bi-racial of African/Arab . I somehow agree its sounds fascinating to have a relationship of forbidden but at the same time. If a person is MATURE enough and educated, you know that relationship is not something you can start today and stop tomorrow. If you are going to be with somebody you have to put your all. And if you know it aint going anywhere what’s the point. I have had many opportunities to date people outside of being Muslim—because race for me doesn’t matter. But I know it’s not going to end anywhere so why hurt the person. Am sure she is not naïve she knew from beginning its wasn’t going to go anywhere—why did she start the relationship? And why did she continue?
I didn’t mean to offend. I just believe that if a guy wants to marry a girl – he will do it. No excuses. xx
wow man i can really relate 2 this …i myself is engaged 2 a egyptain muslim girl thank God
n i am canadain ….but really thank GOD 4 her n everyhting that has happened 2 me sence i met her …i have the kindy the same story as u but we met on fb lol …n strating calling each other n etc…but right away she told me about her family n being muslim n everything …so right away i converted thank God 
n again thank God her parents r sooooooooo nice n …i dont know what 2 say about her parents ,they r amazing …n she is my everything …ok back 2 the point here ,sorry when i start talking about her its hard 2 stop ..anyways i agree with mona maybe she was just trying something dirrernt ….sorry 2 say man ,if she really loved u she would have made it work somehow …did ya ever think about converting ? does she wear a veil ? i ask that qustion 2 see how strick she is or her family ..anyways wish ya the best man ..salams
@Sorry Namasa
i agree with namasa …4 sure if a guy really loves a girl he will do anything 2 marry her …he will die trying if he has 2
@abd
The outcome of such a relationship is very much predictable…u never heard my story b4 did ya lol ..man there r lots of arab girls marrying non arab men …i know some of them myself ….it dont matter what u r ,as long as u r muslim …i mean 4 arab muslim girls
n thank God !
@Mona( always go on to the next girl. Move on and forget!)
diden u n mais talk bad about this b4 lol something like this is what arab guys do when they want 2 forget a girl …
It’s difficult letting go. I was with my Omani for almost 10 years and though I met brothers and an uncle (never a female relative) they stated collectively it would never work out. That no one and I mean NO ONE in their tribe EVER married outside of it…especially to a non-Muslim and a non-Arab. TRUST ME…love makes you do foolish things..even though we BOTH knew that the relationship could dead end due to family we kept going. We were each other’s best friends. And though I ended it (he wanted to keep in touch, visit etc.) I could not….he continued to be the instigator of calling….I stopped. And he again contacted me earlier this year. I haven’t seen him in over four and a half years. The night before he left he cried knowing he had to leave me. I never seen a man cry so hard, his tears soaked my shirt. And when he left I never thought my arms could ache from the emptiness…but you learn to move on…you cherish the good times and move forward. Life is short and hurting over what is is wasted emotion.
A Lebanese girl’s parents telling her that she would be disowned by the family if she did not marry specifically a Lebanase-Muslim. Not an Arab-Muslim or Muslim in general, but a Lebanese person… makes that not so simple.
Janet, I agree. You love, and if you lose…. well, it’s better to try and not dwell on what you have lost. I suppose I really want closure from the whole situation; the fact that it ended with a “we are no longer to speak” hurts sometimes.
The girl did sometimes, yes, but very rarely. Her parents didn’t seem to care whether or not she did in public, and she never wore one around me.
@Sorry Namasa No offence taken, Mais. I instinctively agree with your “love will find a way” thesis. It’s a common thread that runs through a great deal of western literature and film. Regrettably I’m too ignorant to be able to assess if “love at all costs” is echoed in non-western cultural themes. What is clear from all of the comments that have appeared in response to the original post is that any Arab-woman/Non-Arab-man relationship is going to face additional hurdles when compared to the usual boy-meets-girl-they-fall-in-love scenario where there are no obvious cultural, religious or ethnic barriers. Any relationship that asks either partner to chose between their family and their chosen partner is unfortunate, but I disagree with the notion that these relationships are bound to fail. Curse my unregenerate romantic soul but I believe that if there is true love between the two people then they’ll work something out, somehow, someday. But then perhaps I’ve just been reading too many sappy books….
I can relate to this post! I am seeing this American guy that lives two hours away from me. I know deep down that we’re starting to have feelings for one another. And as much as I am afraid to admit it even to myself, I am very attracted to his ways. He’s not Muslim, but religion doesn’t concern me much. As much as I want things to work out, I take it firly slow with him. Because quite frankly, I want whatever feelings I have for him to last. I told him from the start about my stiuation( I can only marry a Palestinian-Muslim). Well, I dont believe in fairytales. There’s a voice in the back of my mind that tells me that our relationship won’t end up the way we want it to. However, I am in no rush. Currently, trying to figure out if this particular person is worth all the risk I am taking. I feel like he is, but I dont want my feelings to fool me. He seems like a decent man with a good head on his shoulders. If he’s all that, I will do whatever it takes to end up with him. I have learned the very hard way not to please anyone but my little poor self. Then again, things may or may not work out. I am open to all possibilities, long as we’re being honest and straightforward about everything.
I am in love with a non-muslim non arab guy for quite a while. me myself isnt reall religious but family will be important in the end. and lately these heart tearing questions pop up; is it worth it, hiding and lying?.. will it go anywhere? i dont want to be left later with a broken heart while i could have prevented it – the dead end.
I don’t know what to do.. i feel like i’m lost
indeed the pointless fights started to begin with my love.
also this arab community pressure makes me very anxious..
“Family will be important in the end”: yes, it will be, but will they be more important than your own sense of self-worth, your own feelings, your own love? If you are truly in love, is it naive of me to believe that in the future your family will forgive you for following your heart and will welcome you (and your loved one) back into the fold?
“Will it go anywhere? I don’t want to be left later with a broken heart…”: these are universal questions we all ask ourselves when we meet someone and fall in love. The supposed socio-cultural barriers are secondary.
“….while I could have prevented it – the dead end”: if you know for sure deep in your heart that it will wind up in a dead end, then of course you are wasting your time and emotional energy. But if you know for sure already, perhaps you’re not in love….
Or perhaps you are in the relationship in the first place only because (to return to Mona’s original suggestion) you need the fantasy and the dream to allow you “to be quietly and safely insane every night”.
Following your heart and, if necessary, going against your family’s and your Arab community’s pressures is without doubt a risky path to take. There are no certain outcomes and the result will depend on the depth of the love between you both. Success and a happy ending is by no means assured.
However, the alternative, I would argue, almost guarantees failure. If you bow to family and social pressure, if you walk away from what you describe as love, you are in all probability consigning yourself to choosing (or have chosen for you) something that will always be “second-best” in the form of a partner from your own cultural, socio-economic, racial, religious, ethnic, tribal (whatever) background. I’ve heard all of the arguments that say that these relationships can and do turn into real love and long-lasting bonds. I’m sure that’s true in many cases. I’m equally sure many turn into unmitigated disasters also.
True love strikes each of us out of the blue only maybe once or twice in our lives. To deliberately turn away from those opportunities in response to external pressures is forever to condemn ourselves to mediocrity and a probable failure to reach our full potential.