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Are you waiting for something?

Hi everyone,

Yes I know. I have not blogged in a while. I had my reasons though. First of all, I find that others are waiting for something. I have nothing to provide. I am not interesting. I was borderline suicidal a couple months ago, and I became someone I hate, but I tried to compose my self. Patience is something I value the most, and it helped me through a lot.

What I have become, and it will take me months to slow down from, if ever, that my verbal communications are without limits. I understand people, and I am not afraid to say what is on my mind. I don’t regret anything, and I stand with my point of view 100%. I am not ashamed of anything or think twice. I have endured so much crap in my life, especially the past two years, that my sanity was jeopordized at some points, and now, well, I have become “this”.

I will get back to my first point. I am constantly being watched. Either by my psedonym that I tried to flourish since 2005, or the name I was born with. I don’t get it. Why me? What is so interesting about me? What do I say, or portray about my self that is so interesting? It’s not. I am a very boring 32 year old. I am alone with my thoughts. I work very hard at anything I do, and I show it with my talents. I am very blunt and I stand with my opinions.

Enough of that. I am enjoying my new job. It is interesting and very mellow. I needed that because I wanted to step back a little bit. I get paid a lot, and I don’t do anything that requires that much energy or thinking of various solutions as I did in the past. I am focused on one thing, and that is it. So what did I do so far? I work really fast, and I need to slow down. Hmm, I portray my creative talents, and I love that. Oh, and I made one guy almost cry and walk out. I had to stop him at the door and calm him down. He apologized to me the next day, and realized who he is dealing with. He tried to justify my actions personally, but what was there to discuss? He is he, and I am me. Isn’t that nice? Oh well, sometimes you have to be your self to fit in. Or some people like a challenge. No? Hehe!!!

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7 Comments

  • There is a difference between who you “are” and the “who” that others see you as. I have been fortunate enough to be able to see many facets of you over the years. I am glad that you are the kind of person who speaks their mind and is not afraid of what they say. It reveals more of the “you” that you “are”.

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  • These things that test us make us. I’ve had 3 people’s worth of shit but I’m thankful for it now as it makes you who you are. Do I like myself and who I am? No, but that’s life. I’ve been reading your Blog since the start and you’ve always been loud. Your great Mona. I’m sad that you’ve been suicidal. It’s hard when our minds fuck us up. Keep strong if you can.

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  • awww thanks Slim!!! :)

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  • I know this sounds dumb and crazy… But when I was suicidal or close I used the forum suicideforum.Com and I think it saved my life. Pills never worked. It’s a odd forum because many want to end it… But I found some good people who I could relate to which is hard in the real world. I now help out when I can. I would never say I’d never think of suicide cos I do a lot… But I swear, when I tried it it’s one of my biggest regret I have. The pain was the worst, but the pain it caused I can never forgive myself for.

    I’m not Arab, but your one of the few people I relate to. I sometimes wish I was more like you, other times I wish I could sit down and tell you off. Forget the outside demands and worry about you Mona. Try to do what you want.

    Keep fighting.

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  • @Slim
    you said : ………………… when I was suicidal or close I used the forum suicideforum.Com and I think it saved m y life. Pills never worked. It’s a odd forum because many want to end it……………..

    watch this:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-flJ60k-uis

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  • I have no idea what that has to do with my reply… But thanks I guess….. hmmmm

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  • So sorry you were suicidal. I could never tell from your posts.

    I love this blog because it has made me more assertive in life as I think that you are a good role model. It has shown me a non-white point of view that is interesting. I know I’ll never totally understand it, but it’s nice to have a tiny window into other people’s way of thinking. The more I read this blog, the more I think that I do understand you such as the type of people you want in your life.

    If you can do so, I hope you continue to keep writing. I love all the posts no matter how short.

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